31. Samson
SAMSON
Rowan might leave my life quietly, refusing to say another word as he walks out the front door with his things and Nugget, but the impact on me is earth-shattering.
For the first two days, I don’t speak.
I don’t leave my room. I don’t shower. I don’t eat. I sit on the floor of my closet, wondering if Rowan is right. My whole life has been lived for The Firm, walking in the footsteps determined by my father before I was even born.
Has it all been wrong?
I don’t think so. Unlike my siblings, I don’t have another job outside of this. Torture, extortion, murder…none of them bother me. Quite enjoy them, actually.
But the thought that I could’ve killed Rowan…
You didn’t, though. You never would. He’ll always be safe.
Even now, Rowan is being protected. Wylder reassured me that he’d take care of it within seconds of him leaving—leaving and taking my heart with him.
No idea why my brothers are so happy to be in love. Fucking sucks so far.
I can’t believe Rowan left. I know what I did was wrong, obviously. I never should’ve kept all this from him. But I thought we had something special. Something good.
Maybe I was mistaken.
I wonder what it might’ve been like if I’d met him under different circumstances.
Perhaps at Rounds. Maybe as an audience member for his show.
Wylder usually represents the family at those events, but imagine if he’d made me go?
I would’ve bitched and snarked the whole time…
right until the moment Rowan stepped into the spotlight.
I would’ve fallen for him just as fast. Would’ve worked up the courage to go to the stage door, waiting with his other fans, hoping to catch his eye.
Yeah. That sounds like a nice story.
Shame the reality is fifty shades of fucked up.
On the third day, the door to my closet is wrenched open.
“Fuck, it stinks in here.” Cade reels back as I wince at the sudden bright light. “Have you been there the whole time?”
I shrug. I don’t have the energy to speak.
“At least you’ve stayed hydrated,” he says, spotting the empty bottles of water around me. If he notices the vodka ones scattered among them, he doesn’t comment on it. “Please say you at least left to use the restroom. If I get piss or worse on my pants, I’m stabbing you, broken-hearted or not.”
“You’re fine,” I grunt, my voice like gravel after being silent for so long. Not like I talk much generally, but this silence is unusual. Doesn’t feel unusual. Feels right. What’s the point in talking when the one person I want to speak to has cut me off? “I have some limits.”
Cade sighs in relief before shoving himself inside the cramped space. I scowl at him as he accidentally kicks my calves as he tries to find a place to sit. Eventually, he gives up, crossing his arms over his chest and staring down at me. “You can’t stay in here forever. It’s not healthy.”
“Don’t care,” I mutter. “Now fuck off and shut the door. It’s too bright.” I don’t deserve sunshine. I deserve darkness.
“Dude, seriously.” He crouches down, concern shining in his eyes. “I’m worried about you. We all are.”
I stay silent. I’m worried about me too. Worried that Rowan might have taken the most vital part of me when he left.
“I know how this feels,” Cade says softly. “When Ansel broke up with me, I thought I was going to die, man. I think I wanted to, at one point.”
“It’s not the same,” I say woodenly. “Ansel dumped you to keep you safe. Rowan left because I betrayed him. We all did.”
Cade blows out a breath. “Fuck. Yeah. You’re right. I’m no good at this.”
He disappears, closing the door behind him. Darkness rolls over me again, and I shut my eyes. Rowan’s face immediately fills my vision, my penance and my reward. I can’t escape him.
I don’t want to.
Unfortunately, the darkness doesn’t last long enough. The door swings open again, and this time, it’s Matthias standing there.
I groan. “Why can’t you all let me mope in peace?”
“None of you let me,” Matthias says dryly. He doesn’t attempt to enter my space, instead leaning against the doorjamb. “As I recall, I was literally dragged from my bed and shoved into a shower against my will.”
“That was Cade and Dalton,” I rasp. “Wylder, too. And as I recall, that was because they knew Wyatt was ready to forgive you. So unless you’re about to tell me Rowan is waiting downstairs, you can fuck off.”
I’ll never admit the hope that sparks in my chest at the thought. Nor how quickly it’s doused when Matthias shakes his head. “No. He’s not. I’m sorry.”
My throat bobs. “Then fuck off.”
Matthias doesn’t fuck off, not that I’m really expecting him to. None of us are very good at keeping our noses out of each other’s business. To be honest, I’m surprised they’ve left me alone for this long. They must know how bad it is. How badly I fucked up.
“I’m not going to say something trite like I know what you’re going through, because every situation is different.”
I grunt. Good. I don’t want to hear it.
“But I will say that I thought there was no future with Wyatt,” he says quietly. “What I did… Fuck. I’m still not sure how he forgave me. I know you think what you did was bad, but really, you just withheld information from Rowan. You would never have hurt him.”
No, I wouldn’t have.
“I blackmailed Wyatt into marrying me,” Matthias continues. “I took advantage of him when he was at his lowest point. I manipulated the situation and lied to him about it. About all of it. What I’d done. Who we are. He still forgave me. Don’t give up hope.”
“Why?” I find myself asking. “Why do you think he forgave you?”
“Because he loves me.” Matthias smiles. “Fuck knows I don’t deserve it, but that man loves me. Enough to put all the lies behind us and start afresh.”
Is love really that powerful?
“What I’m saying is, don’t give up hope.
” Matthias squeezes my ankle, the only part of me he can reach.
“Rowan’s hurting right now. But if he loves you—and I really think he does—he’ll come around.
You just need to keep showing up for him.
Show him that you’re sorry. That you’ll change going forward.
If you do that, there’s no way he won’t forgive you. ”
Matthias shines a light directly on the one part of this I’ve been hiding. I told Rowan that I’m in love with him.
And he didn’t say it back.
A small voice whispers that I’d just broken his heart. That he felt betrayed. Of course he wasn’t going to admit that he feels the same as I do.
But I have no proof that Rowan loves me. For all I know, I’ve been in this alone. He was upfront about using me as a distraction. There’s nothing to say his feelings changed at all.
My mind slips to Rowan smiling at breakfast with Jules and Harley, his leg wrapped around mine.
Him finding me in my shed and helping me dance, his hands guiding me to the beat.
Making all my brothers and their partners show up to learn something I cherished.
Standing up for me.
My throat feels like it’s covered in barbs as I swallow. “I don’t know if Rowan loves me.”
Matthias tilts his head. “What do you mean?”
I shrug, self-conscious. I don’t like talking about this shit. “I dunno. Not like anyone’s ever loved me before. I guess Mom did, but she’s been gone so long now it’s…hazy. And Father, he wasn’t capable of it. Don’t think he loved any of us, really. So, how do I know what it feels like?”
“Samson…” Matthias squeezes my ankle again until I look up at him.
“You are loved. Everyone in this house loves you. It’s why Wylder and Harley have been taking turns watching Rowan around the clock.
Why Cade, Neo, and Ansel have been losing sleep tracking down the fucker who killed Adam.
And why I’m here right now. Even Dalton’s been working on something, but I’ll let him tell you about that. ”
I wish I had the energy to ask, but I don’t.
None of it matters now that he’s gone.
“You know what it is to be loved,” Matthias says. “It might not look the same as in other families, but we’ve never been the same.”
“No.” I chuckle lightly, the sound hollow. “We haven’t.”
“You forget, we’ve seen how Rowan looks at you. It’s the same way Wyatt looks at me. Ansel at Cade. Neo at Wylder.” He pauses. “And, neither of them are willing to admit it, but it’s how Jules and Harley look at each other, too. We’re surrounded by love. It just takes time to realize it.”
“I want to believe you,” I croak. “If I had just a sliver of fucking hope that there’s something out there for me to fight for, then I’d be doing it, dammit.”
Matthias gets to his feet, extending a hand. “Then it’s time for you to come and see Dalton’s project.”
We find Dalton in his office. He doesn’t hear us come in, fully engrossed in whatever’s on his computer screen. I always find it weird to watch Dalton work. Not on his Firm job. There, he’s the same caustic asshole he is everywhere else.
But when he’s looking at architecture, he becomes a different person. Quieter. Settled.
Happier.
I wonder if this is what he’d be like if Father hadn’t meddled in our destinies. If his training hadn’t stripped away everything we loved about ourselves, molding us into what he wanted us to be instead.
My hand curls as though my ancient stuffie is there.
The one Mom gave me when I was a child. It’s an unconscious movement that hasn’t happened in years.
I used to do it a lot, especially in the months after Father threw it into the fire and made me stand there until it was nothing more than a pile of ash.
I stopped doing it after Father noticed. He took a cane to my hand whenever it happened, beating the desire and need out of me.
But here, watching Dalton, I do it again. I remember a part of myself that once existed, and I embrace it.
“Oh.” Dalton suddenly spots us, straightening in his chair. “Is he ready?”
There’s a noise behind us. I glance over my shoulder to see Wylder and Cade have joined us, the latter holding a massive plate of food. Harley must be watching Rowan.
“He is,” Matthias says, nudging me forward. “Show him.”
I hesitate. Wylder nods at me encouragingly as Cade smiles.
“Show me what?” I ask gruffly, stepping around Dalton’s desk. He twists the screen in my direction, but all I can see is a bunch of lines. “What am I looking at here?”
Dalton’s face is inscrutable. “It’s a dance studio.”
A sheen covers my eyes. “Even with your best design, I don’t think building Rowan a dance studio is going to tempt him back.”
“It’s not for Rowan,” Dalton says quietly. “It’s for you. Rowan asked me to design it for you.”
I suck in a breath so sharp it hurts my chest. Or maybe it’s the knowledge of what Rowan has done. Why? I need Dalton to confirm it. I can’t trust my own judgment right now, not with the myriad ways I fucked up with Rowan. “Why?”
“He wanted somewhere you could dance,” Dalton says. “Somewhere bright. Not hidden away. Where you’d have the space to be yourself. The person you might have been if Father hadn’t fucked you up.”
There’s a heavy silence around me. I know all my brothers are thinking the same, wondering about the impossible lives we might’ve had.
But there’s no point dwelling on it, I realize. This is the life we have. We have to find happiness where we can.
Like in a purpose-built dance studio.
“Why would he do that?” I croak. I think I know the answer. God, I want this to be the answer, but I’m too afraid to even think that in case I’m wrong. “Why would Rowan want that for me?”
“Because he loves you,” Cade says. “Now are you going to quit fucking moping and go get your man back?”
I eye the plate in his hands, my spirits lifting just enough to give me hope. “That better be for me, because I’m going to need my full strength for this fight.”
“Sure is.” Cade smirks as he pushes it into my hands. “There’s the Samson we all know and love.”
“I’m still not sure how to win him back,” I admit as I start tucking into the food.
It’s fucking delicious—definitely Jules’s cooking.
My chest aches as I realize he’s probably been here the whole time.
Whenever there’s a family problem, Jules shows up.
Just as we all do when something’s fucked.
“If any of you have any bright ideas, now’s the time to share. ”
Neo chooses that moment to burst into the room, his eyes shining. “Oh, I am so glad you asked.”