Chapter 15
CHAPTER 15
“ I would have loved for us to have a son like Callahan. But we didn’t and we won’t.”
The words played on loop for hours after he’d left Daisy’s shop. He knew it wasn’t entirely his fault for not understanding what she had gone through or what she meant, but he was unsettled by her admission. Showing up at the Patch had been about spending time with her before he left for New York because he knew he wouldn’t see her for three more days.
Except it turned into something else and she was upset with him.
It started fine, with subtle flirting and mentions of past kisses. He also thought she wouldn’t hate it if he touched her, but none of that happened. Especially with Gavin and Ginny showing up. Once they were gone, everything changed.
He could recall, with startling clarity, the way her expression shuttered, blocking him out as he tried to piece together what he’d said that could upset her. He’d spent his whole life making sure that he was never insensitive, weighing and measuring his words in his head before they came out of his mouth. Clearly the conversation with her hadn’t gone the same way.
Twenty years ago, they’d never talked about the future in such certain terms. It had always been about the time they were spending together, so he didn’t know that she wanted to be a mother so badly. It made sense, though. That she’d want to do something her own mother had done so badly. And thinking about it, Daisy would be the most incredible mother. She was so caring and empathetic, but she also had her head firmly on her shoulders. Plus, she worked her ass off to build a business from the ground up all on her own. But her words made it clear the one dream she held out hope for was shattered and he reminded her of it with his words.
How was I supposed to know that would trigger her?
That was further proof that the two of them had so much to catch up on. All these feelings were great and he was glad that they were getting a second chance, of sorts. They had talked about their respective relationships, but that wasn’t the only important part of their lives. Rafferty knew that he should have continued flirting and talking about kisses instead of bringing up wishes and desires.
Was it ridiculous that there had been a time in his life when he’d dreamed about a big life with Daisy?
It was a couple of years after she’d left New York and they’d lost touch—the phone calls went from three to once a week, then once a month and then none at all. He’d startled awake because he had this beautiful vision of them together. It included a big home, dogs and kids running, wind tangling in her hair as she picked wildflowers in their backyard, late nights and early mornings with legs and hands and tongues tangled as they brought each other to the kind of pleasure he’d never felt with anyone else before.
It seemed so real, he’d been able to feel the soft texture of her hair between his fingers and the taste of her on his tongue. But she wasn’t in his life and even though he knew where she was, going after her seemed crazy. Even then, Rafferty knew if he told his family that he missed her they’d encourage him to go to Greenville. Encourage him to go find her. In some weird way, Nonna had seen his feelings long before he had, and she was the one pushing him to do more with her. She was also the reason Rafferty took his job of protecting Daisy so seriously.
He was nineteen when he fell head first into love with her. Initially, he thought it was just a crush or even physical attraction because she was growing into such a beautiful girl. But it was so much more. Every time she smiled or said his name, it felt like a hit of adrenaline. Even if Daisy and her father hadn’t left New York, he knew that he might never have made his move. Rafferty had decided that he’d rather have her as his best friend than not at all. Because in some part of his brain he knew that if he told her how he felt and she didn’t feel the same way, everything would get messy.
He lost her anyway.
The kiss the night before she left might have been everything he wanted, but then she was gone. And a few years later, she was really gone from his life. He’d just gotten her back and did something to lose her again. I can’t give up just yet , he reminded himself, because this wasn’t the end of their second chance. He’d waited twenty years for her, he’d wait some more if she needed it.
“You’ll tell Grandpa that I miss him, right?” Cal asked from the backseat.
“You can still come with me if you want.”
“Indigo said they’ve got lots of things for us to do this weekend. But maybe next time?”
Chuckling, he finished arranging their things in the trunk. It had been a day since he’d seen Daisy, a day since her words had burrowed so deep into his soul he couldn’t forget them. But he also couldn’t let them distract him too much. This New York visit was important.
If it was any other client, he might have asked to reschedule so he could see her and fix everything that had gone wrong. He couldn’t ask this of an Upper East Side socialite, especially when she was going to single-handedly ensure that everyone at Ames Landscaping got a bonus that year.
He’d reached for his phone many times that morning, contemplating all the things he could say to her. None of it sounded good enough. He would apologize, of course, but then what? He understood that she needed space and he would give her that. Even if it hurt him to not see her again. Rafferty decided that when he got back from New York, he would go see her and they could talk about it then. Right now, he would find other ways to keep his mind occupied.
“What kind of things has Indigo planned?” he asked, sliding behind the wheel.
“Video games. They got a new one. We’re also going to do some painting.”
“That sounds fun.”
“There’s other stuff, but I can’t remember now.”
Nodding, he started for the MacArthur house and forced his brain to put all Daisy thoughts to the back for now.
“Will you miss me when you’re gone?” Cal’s voice was quiet and small.
“I already miss you, kid,” Rafferty said, looking at his son through the rearview mirror.
“I’m not a kid any more, Dad.”
Chuckling, he stretched a hand back and gave his son’s knee a squeeze. “You’ll always be my kid and of course I’ll miss you.”
“Don’t do anything fun without me, okay?”
“Does that mean I can’t go to any of the parks with Grandpa?”
“Uh…okay, you can do that. But no zoo visits!”
Mention of the zoo brought up memories with Daisy and he breathed slowly to push them down again. “Got it, no zoo visits. Do you want me to bring back anything?”
“Pizza?”
He laughed and shook his head. “Anything but pizza.”
Cal pouted. “Then no.”
“Maybe I’ll convince Grandpa to visit soon, yeah?”
“Yes! Tell him about Boots too,” Cal said and at the mention of his name, their dog snuffled. “And that I’m a Wildes expert, so I’ll be his tour guide.”
“Those are two very good reasons for Grandpa to visit.”
“Exactly. Also tell him how much I’ve grown.”
Smiling, he pulled up in front of the MacArthur house. Cal was out of the car before he’d turned the engine off, Boots trailing behind him to the front door. Rafferty grabbed the bags from the trunk and locked the car, walking up to where Mack was letting his kid and dog into the house.
“Thanks for letting these two stay for the whole weekend,” he said, stepping inside to set the bags down in the entryway.
“Honestly, you’re helping me keep Dig busy. I’ve run out of ways to entertain my kid.”
They shared a laugh as the kids and dog ran into the small backyard, squealing loudly. He suddenly felt the exhaustion of the last two days weigh on his shoulders and tried to shake it off.
“You okay?” Mack asked.
“Yeah, totally.”
With an arched eyebrow, he closed the front door and waved him to the kitchen. “I’m guessing you’ve never been told that you’re a terrible liar.”
Chuckling, he stood at the counter and watched Cal and Indigo tossing a ball while Boots sat by patiently. A glass of water was set in front of him, but he didn’t touch it.
“All right. I know we don’t know each other that well, but if you need to talk shit out, I’m happy to listen,” Mack said, stepping into his line of sight.
“I don’t even know where to start or how to…explain this.”
“Pick a random place, I guess.”
He smiled and rubbed the back of his neck, then untied his hair, dragging his fingers through the freshly washed strands.
“I think I fucked up with Daisy and I’m not sure how or what to do to fix it.”
“Okay. What did you do?”
His whole life, Rafferty had only opened up with Louise in therapy. When he was married to Zara, he kept a huge part of his life a secret from her. She knew all the surface-level things, but nothing about his mother or his childhood best friend. He didn’t want anyone to taint his memories of Daisy and that meant keeping that to himself. Looking back, it might have strengthened his marriage if Zara knew everything about him. Louise said as much and he didn’t appreciate that.
So the idea of unloading onto Mack felt strange. He was right; they didn’t know each other well. But this was what Louise asked him to do—make friends. Their kids were already besties , as Cal often reminded him. So it made sense for the two single dads to become friends as well.
“We’ve known each other since we were kids in New York and she’s my first real love,” he said and took a big gulp of the water before continuing. “She moved away twenty years ago and we’re now playing catch up. And my feelings are apparently doing the same thing, so it’s fucking messy.”
“Feelings have a tendency to do that,” Mack offered with a grin and gestured for him to sit down.
The back door swung open with a loud thwack and the kids spilled inside, sweaty and happy. They didn’t acknowledge the adults more than a quick grin before juice boxes were snatched from the fridge and they were running off again. Seeing how tired Boots was, Rafferty grabbed his bowl and filled it with water. The dog half-collapsed at his feet once he was sitting on the stool again. The sounds of a video game echoed through the house as Mack nudged him.
“So, feelings.”
Grunting, Rafferty nodded and slumped forward. “I’ll spare you the details, but I made a comment that set her off. I kinda wish she got angry with me, but she mostly just shut down. Tears streaming down her face and everything. We were doing fine until I spoke and I figured she needed the space, so I haven’t gotten in touch since.”
“I’m no expert with relationships or anything, but giving her space is not the worst thing in the world. And I think it might be good for both of you to take that time to figure this out.”
Rafferty sighed and dropped his head to the counter. “It was a total foot-in-mouth situation, and I didn’t even know that’s what would happen. I thought I was being flirty and romantic and man, we were doing so well until that point.”
“Are you two together ?”
“No,” he said, straightening up. “Not yet, anyway. I know that’s presumptuous of me to assume we’ll get there, but I think we could.”
“So you’re what… friends just catching up?” Mack asked.
Rafferty shot his new friend a look which made him chuckle. “I guess.”
“How about you approach this, whatever it is, like you’re just friends. I know it’s hard to separate the two when you’ve got feelings .”
“Why did you say it like that?”
Mack laughed and shrugged. “Because that’s what they are, right? Feelings . It’s this weird bubble in your chest whenever you think of her, or she’s around you. It’s fun and uncomfortable all at once.”
Tilting his head, Rafferty watched the other man for a moment. “Oh shit, you’ve got feelings for someone too.”
Mack shook his head, but he didn’t hide his smile fast enough. “I might be attracted to her, nothing else.”
“Who is she?”
“A realtor.”
“You moving?”
“You met Clementine, right? At Pretty Baked.” At Rafferty’s nod, Mack continued, “She’s my best friend and she’s looking for a new space for her bakery. So I met Jesse and she’s…”
“Everything.”
Mack chuckled, the tips of his ears turning pink. “Yeah. And she inspired me to paint again.”
Rafferty’s eyes widened. He remembered the conversation they had the first time they met about how Mack had been struggling for a few years. So if this woman had inspired him to get back into the thing he was passionate about, she had to be special.
“That’s amazing, Mack. Both that you’ve also caught feelings, so I’m not alone in this. But more importantly that you’re painting.”
Mack blew out a breath and nodded. “I’ve only been able to paint her, though.”
“It doesn’t matter what you’re doing, just that you are.”
They shared a smile, Boots snoring at his feet and the kids laughing as they played in the other room the only sounds. Mack got up and refilled their glasses.
“So we both just need to get our shit together and do something with the women we like, right?”
Rafferty chuckled. “At least you’re not in the doghouse yet. But I guess you’re not wrong.”
“I’m guessing that this is a lot for both of you, so get out this weekend, finish your work and deal with everything when you’re back.”
Nodding at Mack’s words, he emptied his water and patted the counter top.
“Speaking of which, I should head out if I want to avoid the traffic. Thanks for this, Mack, seriously.”
“Looking after your kid or something else?”
Rolling his eyes, Rafferty slid off the stool and squatted to scrub Boots’s head. “My therapist told me to make friends and I was hesitant, but I’m glad our kids got us here.”
Mack chuckled. “They’re very determined. But my therapist will be happy to know that I have one more friend too.”
They shook hands and promised to catch up when Rafferty was back. He said bye to Cal, who was so busy playing the video game that he didn’t do more than let Rafferty kiss the top of his head. A few years ago, that would have made him cry. Now, he was just glad that his son had a friend he felt comfortable and safe with.
It took him almost four hours to reach the Ames brownstone, but got lucky with an empty spot in front of the house. Despite his best intentions, he got stuck in quite a bit of traffic. Given that it was a weekend, he shouldn’t have been too surprised. But once he was parked and grabbed his things from the back, Rafferty stood on the sidewalk and stared up at the row of brownstones. The lights were on in all of them and he was sure that his father was getting dinner together for them.
However, that wasn’t what he was staring at. The house next door also had their lights on and soft music floated out through an open window. His heart clenched as memories flooded him—the teenage versions of Daisy and himself sitting on those stairs, heads tipped back as they admired the stars.
He’d been off at college when a new family moved into the Matthew-Heroux brownstone. So when he’d come home one weekend to get his laundry done, he’d been so surprised by the kids running up the stairs. Over the years, he’d watched those children grow up and got to know the family well enough to be invited over for meals.
Shifting his bag to his other hand, he pulled out his phone. He took a picture of the two brownstones and started to compose a text when the front door to the Ames house opened and his father appeared. Putting his phone away, he hurried up the stairs and hugged his father, deciding to focus on the reason he was there.
Rafferty
[image of two brownstones attached]
New York really isn’t the same without you. But my dad says ‘hi’ and hopes you’ll make a trip up the next time I’m here.
I don’t blame you for ignoring me, but I would love a chance to apologize. And maybe for you to tell me where I went wrong because I don’t like this distance, Daze. We’ve been apart for twenty years, why are we doing this to ourselves again?
I would write out my entire apology in this chat if I could, but I always promised you that I would look you in the eyes and apologize for my fuck ups. So please give me the opportunity to do that.
I just need 15 minutes. Okay, maybe 20. Actually, let’s say an hour. Whenever you’re ready, you know where to find me.