Chapter 48 Harper #2
I couldn’t get Shane’s words out of my head, couldn’t reconcile them with everything I’d thought I knew. Ryan didn’t hurt Kyle. And he’d been devastated. He lost his mom, his career, his reputation–and I had added to the pile.
A low groan escaped as I dragged my hands through my hair. The weight of it all settled in my chest, making it hard to breathe.
I didn’t blame him for leaving for this hockey thing. How could I? I hadn’t exactly rolled out the welcome mat for him these past few months. Sure, I let him see Connor, but the wall I’d put up between us had been impenetrable.
He’d tried, though–God, he tried.
I thought back to all the things he’d done.
The way he showed up, unasked, to help Connor with his homework when I was too exhausted to explain fractions for the hundredth time.
The way he put gas in my lawnmower last month, leaving a cold bottle of water on the porch when he left.
The way he fixed the leaky bathroom faucet when I casually mentioned it was broken.
He never pushed, never demanded anything from me. He just… cared. In the quiet, steady way that only Ryan could.
And I hadn’t appreciated any of it. Not one of those little gestures.
I dropped my head back against the couch, staring at the ceiling as tears pricked my eyes. What the fuck have I been doing?
The realization hit me like a punch to the gut.
All this time, I had convinced myself that I was protecting myself. Protecting Connor. That keeping Ryan at arm’s length was the right thing to do.
But the truth was, I had been a coward.
Because deep down, I knew.
I still loved him. I never stopped loving him.
A bitter laugh escaped me, sharp in the quiet of the room. Of course, he was leaving. Why wouldn’t he? I hadn’t given him a single reason to stay.
But the thought of him leaving town, walking out of my life–even if it was temporary–made my chest ache. I wanted to scream. To tell him to stay. Tell him I was an idiot, that I had made a colossal mistake.
I couldn’t do that, though. Not now. Not when he had finally found something good in his life. Something he was excited about. Something he deserved.
The tears spilled over, hot and unchecked, as the last few months replayed in excruciating detail. I had put all the blame on him. And he just… accepted it.
He let me push him away. He let me believe the worst of him because, deep down, he thought he deserved it.
My throat tightened. He didn’t deserve any of it. Not the media’s lies. Not the fans’ betrayal. Not the icy distance I’d kept between us.
Not any of it.
I swiped at my face, but the tears kept coming, each one dragging me deeper into the mess I had created.
I thought back to last night–the way he had looked at me at the pub, his gaze soft and full of something I couldn’t quite name. How he kept glancing at me in the rearview mirror, like I was the only thing grounding him to the moment.
And I let it slip through my fingers.
A broken sob tore from my throat as I curled up on the couch, hugging my knees to my chest.
I didn’t know how to fix this. I didn’t even know if I could.
One thing was clear: I had to tell him the truth.
Even if it changed nothing.
Even if he didn’t feel the same anymore.
He deserved to know.
And for once in my life, I had to be brave enough to tell him. I just wasn’t sure when I was going to get the chance.
By the time Nina was up and dressed, I had managed to pull myself together. Barely. I splashed cold water on my face, fixed my hair into something that didn’t scream, I cried my eyes out all morning, and threw on a light sweater.
“Morning,” Nina mumbled, tying her chestnut brown hair into a messy bun as she shuffled into the kitchen.
“Morning,” I replied, forcing a smile. “I went out and grabbed a coffee for you. Ready to head over and grab the boys?”
Nina raised an eyebrow at me, clearly noting the forced cheerfulness, but she didn’t say anything. Instead, she grabbed her shoes and nodded. “Sure.”
We walked in silence, the weight of everything Shane had said hanging over me, but I wasn’t ready to unpack it with her just yet.
When we arrived at Mrs. Knox’s house, the boys were playing in the yard, dressed in T-shirts to keep cool in that mid-morning sun. Their laughter echoed into the quiet morning, light and carefree. Mrs. Knox stood on the porch, a warm smile lighting up her face.
“There you are,” she called. “Come on in. I just made a fresh pot of coffee.”
Nina and I exchanged a glance, and she shrugged. “I could use some more caffeine.”
Inside, the smell of freshly brewed coffee and muffins filled the air. Mrs. Knox poured us each a cup and gestured for us to sit at the kitchen table.
“You look like you’ve seen a ghost, dear,” she said, her sharp eyes narrowing on me as she handed me a mug. “What’s wrong?”
I froze, gripping the warm cup between my hands, trying to steady my breath. The tension in my chest hadn’t eased, and the quiet kindness of Mrs. Knox only made it worse.
“Nothing,” I said quickly, shaking my head. Too quickly.
Nina scoffed from across the table, not buying it for a second. “That’s the least convincing ‘nothing’ I’ve ever heard.” She turned in her chair to fully face me, her expression a mixture of concern and frustration.
I opened my mouth, the words tangled in my throat. I wasn’t ready for this–not yet.
Nina raised an eyebrow, crossing her arms. “Did seeing Ryan last night have anything to do with this? Because you two seemed pretty close.”
I winced at the mention of Ryan, and Mrs. Knox’s gaze sharpened, catching the shift in the air. She set her mug down and leaned forward, her expression soft but knowing. “Ah, I see. That makes sense.”
I swallowed hard, my throat tight, and I tried to keep my voice steady. “It’s not what you think,” I began, but the words felt hollow even as I said them.
Nina didn’t seem convinced. “So, what’s going on Harper? You can’t just keep avoiding everything. It’s clear something’s up. What’s really going on?”
Mrs. Knox, ever the quiet observer, simply nodded as if to say, go on, but she didn’t push further. “Sometimes, dear, we don’t see things clearly until we allow ourselves to truly look. The heart doesn’t lie, no matter how hard we try to ignore it.”
I didn’t know what to say to that. My heart was too full of confusion and regret, and I had no idea how to sort through it all. But I couldn’t keep hiding. Not from Nina. Not from Mrs. Knox.
I stared down at the swirling coffee, my chest tightening. “I ran into Shane this morning.” I admitted softly.
“Oh boy,” Nina said, sitting back in her chair with a dramatic sigh. “Here we go.”
Mrs. Knox tilted her head, her curiosity evident. “And?”
I hesitated, unsure how much to say, but the words came tumbling out. “He said things–about Ryan, about how he’s been since… since everything fell apart. I–I thought I knew everything. I thought I understood, but I didn’t. I didn’t know any of it.”
Mrs. Knox paused, watching me carefully, but she didn’t say anything. Nina, on the other hand, tilted her head, her lips pressing into a thin line.
“What didn’t you know?” Nina prompted, her voice low and patient.
I closed my eyes for a moment, gathering the strength to speak. “He told me about Kyle’s accident. How it wasn’t a dirty hit, how it was just… a freak accident. And how much Ryan blamed himself. I didn’t realize how much he’s been carrying. How much guilt he still has over Kyle–over everything.”
Nina’s eyes softened, and I felt a flicker of understanding pass between us.
I let out a long exhale. “I’ve been so awful to him, and he never even explained because I didn’t give him a chance.” I murmured, staring down at my coffee. “I’ve made a huge mistake.”
Mrs. Knox’s face softened, and she reached across the table to pat my hand. “What kind of mistake, Harper?”
I took a shaky breath. “I pushed Ryan away. Over and over again. He’s been nothing but patient and kind, and I just…
I shut him out. And now he’s leaving. And I can’t–” My breath hitched, and I blinked back tears.
“I can’t tell him how I feel. Not now. He’ll think I’m just trying to keep him from this huge opportunity, and I don’t want to be that person. ”
Mrs. Knox nodded slowly, her expression thoughtful. “Sometimes, Harper,” she said gently. “It takes the thought of losing someone to realize how important they really are to you. That doesn’t make you a bad person–it makes you human.”
Her words struck a chord deep inside me, and the tears I’d been holding back spilled over.
“What if it’s too late?” I choked out. “What if I’ve completely ruined everything?”
Nina leaned forward, her expression unusually serious.
“Look, Harper, you had every right to feel the way you did. After everything you’ve been through, no one would blame you for protecting yourself, especially Ryan.
But think about this: Ryan hasn’t gone anywhere.
Even after you broke up with him, he’s been there.
Mowing your lawn, fixing things around the house, showing up for Connor.
He’s done all these little things–not because he had to, but because he wanted to.
That guy is so in love with you, it’s ridiculous. ”
“And,” she added with a sly smile, “I hate to say I told you so, but…” She trailed off, raising an eyebrow knowingly.
I let out a shaky laugh, wiping at my face. “I don’t know if I can fix this. What if he doesn’t feel the same anymore?”
Mrs. Knox gave me a knowing smile, one that seemed to carry years of wisdom. “You’ll never know unless you try dear. And if he’s truly the right one, he’ll want to hear you say it.”
I swallowed hard, the weight of their words settling over me.
“I don’t want to ruin this opportunity for him,” I said quietly. “He deserves it. He deserves to go and be amazing without me holding him back.”