Chapter 48 Harper #3
“And he will,” Mrs. Knox said firmly. “But that doesn’t mean you can’t be there for him when he comes back. It doesn’t mean you’ve lost your chance.”
I nodded, though doubt still clawed at the edges of my mind. “But what if he doesn’t come back? What if he takes a permanent coaching position?” My voice broke on the last word.
Nina gave me a knowing look. “If he does, it’ll be because it’s what he really wants. And if you love him, Harp, you’ll support him no matter what. But that guy?” She shook her head with a small smile. “He’s not going anywhere. Trust me.”
I wanted to believe her. More than anything, I wanted to believe that I hadn’t completely ruined the best thing that had ever happened to me. As I sat there, my coffee growing cold in my hands, I couldn’t shake the fear that I’d already lost him.
The text came later that afternoon, just as I finished folding the last of Connor’s laundry.
Ryan: Hey. Any chance I can pop by? Want to talk to Connor before I go.
My heart jumped into my throat. Of course he wants to talk to Connor, he had asked me last night.
There was just a small part of me–okay a huge part of me–hoping he was texting because he wanted to talk to me.
My fingers hovered over the keyboard for longer than I care to admit before I forced myself to type back.
Harper: Sure. Anytime.
The second I hit send my nerves kicked into high gear.
This is Ryan’s moment, Harper. You’re not taking this from him. He deserves this. You’ve hardly given him the time of day the past three months; you can’t just unload your feelings on him when he’s about to leave town.
But when I saw his truck pull into the driveway, every piece of logic I’d clung to crumbled.
He climbed out, wearing a faded green henley that hugged his chest and arms just enough to make my brain short-circuit. The late summer sun caught the slight scruff on his jaw, and his dark hair was just messy enough to make me think of running my fingers through it.
It took everything I had not to launch myself at him.
Instead, I stood frozen in the doorway, one hand gripping the frame for support as he approached.
“Hey,” he said, his voice low and warm.
“Hi.” My voice came out smaller than I intended, but I managed a weak smile. “Connor’s inside.”
He gave a small nod, his expression unreadable, and stepped past me into the house.
God, he smelled good. Like cedarwood and soap, and something uniquely Ryan. I swallowed hard and shut the door behind him, willing myself to keep it together.
“Connor!” I called, my voice slightly too loud. “Ryan’s here!”
Connor came barrelling down the stairs, skidding to a stop when he saw Ryan. His face lit up and he ran straight into Ryan’s arms.
“Hey bud,” Ryan said, ruffling Connor’s hair. “Got a sec to talk?”
Connor nodded eagerly, and the two of them headed out back. I stayed behind, watching through the window as they sat on the porch steps.
Ryan leaned forward, talking to Connor with that same quiet patience he always had with him. Connor listened intently, nodding along before suddenly throwing his arms around Ryan’s neck.
My chest tightened at the sight.
This is for him. This is what he needs.
Watching them, though, it felt like something was fracturing inside me.
I’d put him through hell these past few months. He had every right to leave. After everything, I’d been awful to him. He’d been so patient, so kind, quietly proving over and over that he cared about me and Connor in ways I hadn’t even let myself see.
And what had I done? I’d pushed him away. I’d had everything I ever wanted–him–and I threw it away.
Now he has this incredible opportunity. He deserves this. He needs this.
He won’t forgive me for what I’ve put him through, and I don’t blame him. I missed my chance.
When they finally came back inside, Connor’s eyes were red-rimmed, and Ryan looked like he was barely holding it together himself.
I crouched down in front of Connor, brushing a strand of hair out of his face. “You okay, baby?”
He nodded but sniffled. “I’m gonna miss him.”
I glanced up at Ryan, who looked like he was about to break. My throat burned, as I forced myself to focus on Connor.
“It’s okay to be sad,” I said softly, taking his shoulders in my hands. “And it’s okay to miss Ryan. But you know what? He’s not going to be gone forever. This is such an amazing opportunity for him. He’s going to make such a difference in these kids’ lives. We need to be happy for him, okay?”
Connor wiped his nose on his sleeve, nodding slowly. “But he makes a difference in my life, too.”
Ryan turned away abruptly, his hand coming up to rub the back of his neck.
I swallowed the lump in my throat and pulled Connor closer. “And he always will,” I said firmly. “Ryan is always going to be a part of your life. This isn’t going to change that.”
Connor’s lower lip wobbled, and I added quickly, “We’ll set up FaceTime dates so you can talk to him and tell him everything that’s going on. How does that sound?”
His face brightened a little at that, nodding again. Then he turned to Ryan, his face solemn.
“You’re the best, Ryan,” he said quietly. “I’m gonna miss you so much.”
Ryan crouched down and pulled Connor into another tight hug, his jaw clenched like he was fighting for control.
“Gonna miss you too, kiddo,” he murmured. “So much.”
When they finally pulled apart, Ryan stood, his eyes meeting mine. There was so much unsaid that it physically hurt to look at him.
This was it. This was goodbye.
“Well,” he said, his voice low, “I guess I’ll see you in a couple of months.”
“Yeah,” I replied, trying to keep my tone light, even though my chest felt like it was caving in. “Take care of yourself.”
He hesitated for a moment, like there was more he wanted to say. Instead, he gave me a small nod and turned toward the door.
I watched him walk away, his broad shoulders tense under his jacket, and my heart shattered into a thousand pieces. No. I couldn’t let him leave like this.
“Wait!” The word burst from me before I even realized I’d spoken it.
Ryan froze, his hand on the doorknob, and turned back toward me with a questioning look. Without thinking, I ran after him, my feet carrying me across the room until I was standing right in front of him.
And then I hugged him. Hard.
At first, he seemed stunned, his arms stiff at his sides. But then he wrapped them around me, pulling me close, and I felt him inhale deeply. Like he was trying to memorize the way I smelled. I tried to keep it short, to be strong, but the moment his arms tightened around me, I melted.
This was my safe space. My person. I loved him so much it hurt, and I didn’t know how I was supposed to let him go. There were a million things I wanted to say–to tell him how sorry I was, how stupid I’d been, and that I loved him more than anything.
I couldn’t. Not now. Not when he was leaving.
Instead, I forced myself to pull back, even though it felt like ripping my heart out. I looked up at him, tears brimming in my eyes.
“I’m so proud of you,” I whispered. My voice wavered, but I pushed through.
“Connor’s going to be okay. You deserve this opportunity, Ryan.
You’ve worked so hard for it, and you should be excited.
Don’t worry about us. We’ll be fine. And I meant what I said–you’ll always be a part of Connor’s life.
The two of you can FaceTime, and…” My voice broke, and I had to pause to collect myself. “We’ll figure it out.”
He looked at me like he wanted to say something, his jaw working, his eyes searching mine. But instead of prolonging the agony for both of us, I forced myself to step back.
“Goodbye, Ryan,” I said softly, my voice barely above a whisper.
He nodded slowly, his eyes filled with so much emotion it was almost unbearable. “Goodbye, Harper.”
And then he turned and walked out the door.
I stood there for a moment, watching him climb into his truck and drive away. Each second felt like a piece of me was being torn apart.
Please come back.
When the truck disappeared down the street, I closed the door behind me and leaned against it, the weight of everything crashing down on me. Tears spilled over as I slid to the floor, my hands trembling.
Connor’s voice drifted from his room, soft and cheerful as he hummed to himself, completely oblivious to the storm inside me. I pressed my face against the door, the sobs shaking my body.
I’d let him leave. And now all I could do was hope that someday, somehow, I’d get the chance to make things right.