Chapter 10
CHAPTER TEN
Cody
S he bit her lip, then rolled both between her teeth so they disappeared. Not a good enough tactic to keep me from thinking about kissing her again, but I could admit to being a little distracted by her mouth. I hoped she hadn’t noticed.
“You can go first, if you want,” she said, like I’d take that deal.
“No, thanks. You kissed me, so you get to start talking. Especially after our disagreement.”
It’d been an argument for the record books—more honesty from me in decades. Not that I’d lied to her, but I’d locked that part of me away in high school. The feelings emerged every so often, and certainly whenever I saw her in person. They may or may not have sabotaged several attempts at relationships I’d made over the years. But I’d never laid it out like I had last night.
And she’d never even so much as hinted at the possibility that my admitting to having feelings would nudge her into kissing me.
I’d spent much of the night replaying the kiss and the words preceding it. I’d wondered at whether it’d come from pure frustration, or attraction, or a simple thrill at discovering her oldest friend had a crush on her.
I needed her to start this. I’d left myself insanely vulnerable and I couldn’t keep going first, especially when it felt like my heart had taken the leap years ago and was just as ready to jump the cliff now.
Even though it knew she was leaving.
Garrett delivered the food, which bought her a bit more time, and by the time he’d emptied his tray, she’d buried her face in her mug. After a slow drink from her giant cappuccino, she settled the cup back onto the saucer.
“I kissed you last night.”
A flare of amusement shot up and crossed paths with light irritation. “Fact.”
“And you kissed me back.”
The silk of her voice sounded like what fingertips trailing down my neck would feel like, and I shuddered. “Another fact.”
She cupped the warm drink in her hands as if to draw strength from it. “Do you still have feelings for me? Like you talked about having when we were younger? All those things you never told me so you wouldn’t hold me back or whatever?”
Of course, she went for it. She’d never been circumspect. I loved that about her, and yet it made stuff like this the worst. She wasn’t going to take the easy way and carefully ease into this conversation. Here we went off the cliff.
“I care about you. I always have.”
She frowned. “Okay.”
“I’m not seventeen anymore. So no, I don’t have those exact feelings for you, but I also?—”
She leaned forward on the table, silently willing me to continue.
“I’m still interested.”
“Interested. In… what, exactly?”
I chuckled under my breath and shook my head. “You kissed me, Charles. I think you should be the one doing the talking, and not conducting the investigation over there.”
Predictably, she scowled. “Fine. I was mad at you for not telling me something that clearly meant a lot to you and would’ve to me too. It does mean something to me. And I—I’m interested too. I was before, but after sitting with it overnight, I get it—why you never said anything. There’s more to say there, for sure, but I guess the main thing is that I’m here now. And I’m interested now. In you.”
Heat broke like a wave over my shoulders and climbed to the tips of my ears. I prayed the flush wasn’t as obvious as it felt, but my smile had to be. I beamed at her, making no attempt to wipe the huge grin away and save a little face. “Oh yeah?”
She knocked one leg into mine under the table. “Yeah. So. What are we going to do?”
“I guess we go out. Give it a shot.”
Good grief, she was beautiful when she looked like this—all thrilled and edgy with nerves. She made my heart ache a little; she was so vibrantly excited, one of those people who radiated her joy and passion, and it was catching. Even when the source of those things had been job offers that would lead her far away or acceptance to her college of choice across the country, I’d felt the anticipation for her like it was for myself.
What she hadn’t known and what I’d only hinted at last night was the paired feelings of dread and grief. Her enthusiasm couldn’t drown that out no matter how glorious. Her longing for something beyond Silverton inevitably sent the longing for her to see me, and the place I loved and planned to stay, as enough. But this town and I had never been enough to keep her here for long.
Now wasn’t the time to wade into all of that. This was a chance I couldn’t turn down, and maybe if I let myself be with her for a little while, it’d be enough for me to get over her. Maybe she’d turn out to be terrible as a date, and all those years of pining and wishing things were different would evaporate, just like Mick had suggested.
Yeah. Keep dreaming, genius.
“Are there… rules? I feel like we may both be carrying some expectations, and I don’t want either of us to get hurt.”
I gave her a small smile to cover the pinch in my chest. “Good call. You know I like rules.”
She laughed lightly. “I do know that.”
Call me a cliché, but as an accountant, I appreciated order and sense. I wasn’t one of those right-angles-only types, too meticulous to breathe unless the durations lined up equitably, but I liked rules. That was one thing I was good at. It was also one really clear-cut way for me to avoid telling Charlie I had feelings for her—I’d made a rule that I couldn’t unless she said something to that effect or pertaining to changing her mind about leaving first.
She never did, and I never broke my rule.
Until last night. But things had changed between us. She’d had her adventure. Or, she was in the middle of it. Telling her hadn’t risked anything other than my pride, and maybe her getting upset. Which had happened, but I couldn’t complain about the end result.
“I can’t think of any for this, though,” I added, bringing myself out of yet another rabbit trail heading for yesterday’s kiss.
“I guess my only one would be that if we’re going to date, we…” she trailed off, and her cheeks flushed as she fiddled with the handle of her cup.
“Don’t leave me in suspense, here, Lane. That blush has me very curious,” I said, my heart tripping in my chest. What the heck was she going to ask?
She exhaled a laugh and shook her head. “I just don’t want it to be complicated. So if we do this, I’m not dating anyone else. And I’d prefer it if you didn’t either.”
Warmth flooded my belly and I nodded sagely, like I had anything to consider other than suppressing the urge to say, “I don’t want anyone else. Ever.” Like her saying she wanted to date me at all let alone exclusively hadn’t sent my entire brain for a ride on the tilt-a-whirl. Fortunately, I kept myself together enough to simply agree. “Reasonable. I accept your terms.”
And then, we just looked at each other and smiled like idiots. We’d talked so calmly about this that it hadn’t even registered what exactly we’d said. But it would kick in soon, and I’d be done for. I’d want to touch her. Kiss her again. Say things I shouldn’t. And all of this would be too soon, and in public, and not a great idea for a situation where I liked her more than she did me.
Don’t get me wrong—I knew she liked me. She loved me in many ways, no doubt. But she didn’t want the same things I did, and so my new rule for dating Charlie, which I wouldn’t share with her, was this: Don’t fall in love with your best friend again.
Because she’d be leaving eventually. And I’d have to pick up the pieces of my heart and patch it back together so that someday, I’d be able to offer it to someone else.
“Good. Let’s make a plan for our first date.”