Chapter 16
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Cody
A t first, I didn’t react. But as the words sunk in— I got an offer… dream job… New York —my heart twisted painfully.
“That’s… wow. Congratulations,” I said, my voice wooden.
“Thanks.”
Her word was soft, not boisterous and triumphant. In fact, she wasn’t nearly as happy or energetic as I would’ve expected.
“So you’re leaving?”
Maybe I shouldn’t have gone there, but the ringing in my ears, the swift knowledge that everything good between us, that we’d patched up days ago, had torn open again, wouldn’t ease.
Her frown held disappointment and hurt. “I don’t know what to do.”
I scrubbed my hands over my face and braced my elbows on my knees. Speaking to the ground, I said, “I need you to be honest with me, okay? At this point, you just need to tell me so we can deal with it.”
“Me? I need to be honest?”
The whip in her tone snapped between us and had me looking up just as she pushed off the couch and paced around it.
“Yes. If you’re leaving, please just tell me. Is that too much to ask at this point?”
Her nostrils flared as she drew in a breath where she stood between me and the door. Her hands found her hips and she closed her eyes as she exhaled, taking another deep inhale. “Why should I tell you? What difference will it make?”
My mind scrambled for a response, but what? What the crap was going on? “You don’t want me to know what you’re planning?”
Her eyes squeezed shut like she might be praying for patience, and then they opened to pin me where I stood. “I need you to be honest, Cody. That’s what I need. I need you to be willing to assert yourself instead of foisting all responsibility for what happens between us on me like you always have.”
“Like I always have?”
“Yes. You said yourself that you never told me how you felt because you didn’t want to hold me back—and in doing so, you kept the truth from me and left me to be the one to leave without knowing this truth. You didn’t trust me to be careful with you or to still pursue my dreams, neither of which you had any reason to doubt. And now, you’re expecting me to make this choice about whether to stay or go based on next to nothing from you. You want to date me, but don’t want to worry about what’s coming. You want to be with me and are upset at the thought of me leaving, but have you said you want me to stay?” She marched toward the door.
“Charlie, it’s not that?—”
“I don’t want to hear excuses and I honestly don’t want to know what you want right now. I need time with this, and I shouldn’t have come over. And you need time too, I’m guessing. If at some point you decide you want a future with me enough to tell me, then you’ll have to do it to my face and without me begging you right before you do it.”
She slipped out the door and it closed with the force of just less than a full-on slam.
How had this night taken such a sharp turn away from what I’d hoped for? Oh, that’s right: apparently, I was a lying coward who couldn’t tell my girlfriend what I wanted. But was she even my girlfriend? We were dating exclusively, had hardly seen each other, I was crazy about her, and I felt certain she would hurt me.
I ran my hands into my hair and pulled so it stuck out in all directions, and groaned audibly.
Clearly enough, I’d hurt her. I didn’t understand everything she meant by her comments, but obviously, she didn’t like me deferring to her. I needed to explain my reasoning to her, but I also needed to show her I had an opinion. I wasn’t fine with her leaving—it would destroy me. Again. And yet, I wanted to be with her enough that even knowing that was the most likely outcome, I’d opted into it. She didn’t see it that way, so I had to make sure she understood at least that.
I grabbed my jacket from the hook, shoved my feet into my shoes, and jogged out of the house and down the steps. I didn’t want to stay here trying to listen for her sounds. I didn’t want to sit here and wallow.
I needed perspective that only people who knew me, and knew the history of our relationship—my brother and my dad—could give me. I shuffled along the sidewalk, hunching against the chilly air. The walk into town felt short, and by time I plunked down on the stool next to Mick, a haze of gloom had descended.
“Thought you were having a hot date with your woman,” he said, flashing his brows like that was something salacious.
I sighed. “Kind of blew up in my face.”
My dad sidled up and sat on my other side. “I thought you were staying in for some time with Charlie.”
Mick chuckled and slapped my back. “Apparently, it didn’t go so well.”
“Obviously not, if you’re here now.”
Kieran, bless him, brought me a beer without my having to request it. “Thanks, man.”
“You look like you need it.”
I nodded into the foam and took a sip.
“Well, you want to talk about it or you would’ve just stayed home to wallow, so let’s have it,” Dad said.
I gulped down more beer, buying time. There was no use, though, because my thoughts were jumbled and my heart hadn’t calmed since seeing Charlie an hour ago as she’d left the hotel and looked borderline distraught.
“Charlie got a job offer from what I gather is her dream employer.” I glanced up to see Mick wince and Dad nod sagely.
“And you said…” Dad prompted.
“I told her congratulations, but did a pretty crap job hiding the fact that I am not at all excited about her leaving.”
He nodded again. Mick piped up when Dad didn’t say anything.
“And? She was mad you weren’t happy for her, or what?”
The sludgy mix of disappointment and regret felt like weights on my chest. “She was upset that I haven’t said what I want.”
Both of their brows furrowed in comically similar expressions.
“What?” they both said at the same time.
“I’ve avoided saying much about what I want. I didn’t want to pressure her or upset her. I’ve always known she’d leave, even though I hoped she’d finally make peace with Silverton and stay. But I have definitely not said that out loud.”
Mick’s eyes shut slowly and he shook his head like this was a grave mistake. Irritation flared all through me at my older brother. He’d married his high school sweetheart whose family was here, a girl who’d always wanted to be a nurse and a mom. He knew nothing about loving someone who had no desire to be where I was.
“But you do want her to stay? I know it’s only been a few weeks, but you like her enough to want something longer term?”
My dad’s voice shut down my bitter comparison spiral.
“Yes. And it’s been over a month now, all told, not including the time we were talking before she got here. I’ve compared everyone I’ve ever dated to her, and aside from this glaring issue, it’s great. Everything is better than great with her.”
Mick snorted. “Right. Aside from the whole relationship ending too soon thing and you being a wuss and refusing to tell her you’ve been in love with her since you were twelve.”
Heat flamed at my cheeks and burned in my chest. I hated to hear him say it, but it was true.
Dad smacked him upside the head just hard enough that he sloshed his drink all over his shirt. Served him right.
“Hey!”
“You’re being insensitive, Michael John Keller, and you know it.”
I sent Mick a triumphant look and he pouted.
“But he’s saying something true, son. And I can’t help feeling for Charlie. If she thinks you don’t care enough to be honest, how’s she supposed to make a decision without all the information?” He settled his pint glass on the cardboard coaster atop the bar, not looking at me but clearly speaking to me.
My throat tightened around the words I needed to say, so I cleared it. “It’s always seemed like she’d resent me. If I asked her to stay and she did. And the thought of her hating me while I loved her seemed so much worse than at least having her friendship and that kind of love than nothing.”
Dad’s big hand came up and shook me by the back of the neck. “Fair enough. But might be time to say your piece and then make your peace with what happens. If she’s upset, maybe she’s looking for more than your placating and being so darn flexible she can walk all over you.”
I straightened. “I’m not a doormat for her. I just don’t want to be the cause of?—”
“You’re afraid, Code. And that’s okay—understandable, even. But my guess is this isn’t going away until you’re honest.”
Mick’s comment came gentler this time, and I couldn’t deny the truth in it.
We sat quietly after that, our attention directed at the screens above the bar top showing a game I didn’t even register. Once I finished my beer, I thanked them for talking and walked home in the crisp darkness.
The thought of losing Charlie for good haunted me. It had before, and it did now. In many ways, I had lost her when she moved away. Our friendship had changed completely, and I only got little scraps of her life when she shared them. But was it fair to blame her for my reluctance to be honest? And was it fair of me to expect her to make a choice about moving without at least telling her that if she stayed, and if she wanted me, she’d have me?
No. The answer resounded through me. I had to tell her, and I had to live with the consequences. Because now it’d become clear: if I didn’t tell her, I’d lose her, whether she took the dream job or not.