Chapter 43
Korren
We don’t fly far, just to a temporary medical station on the outskirts of Fairbanks where the evacuation order isn’t in place yet. We’re not the only firefighters getting treated, and the medical staff insist on looking me over even though I say I’m fine.
Meanwhile, Dex is hooked up to oxygen, and it’s not long before he revives.
I’m at his side immediately.
Shifting groggily, he pulls the oxygen mask off his face. “Where am I?” he mutters.
“Dex. Are you okay?”
He reaches for my hand. “Korren. Baby. What happened? You got lost in the fire—”
“I’m fine,” I say, my heart constricting at the affection in his voice.
I need to stop lying to myself.
I had known. Long before he said anything, I could tell how he felt about me. It was addictive and terrifying and I was denying it as fiercely as possible so I didn’t have to give it up.
“I was just following the riverbank, Dex. I never got lost. But you followed me, and you didn’t come back, and—”
Dex pushes the oxygen mask off his bed and sits up. “We’re not at the fire any longer?”
“They’ve withdrawn all the crews along that front. It’s getting too dangerous. The rest of our crew left before us, and a rescue helicopter came to get us after they were gone.”
“You saved me,” Dex says with dawning wonder. “I think I must’ve passed out, because I remember running into the smoke, and then I can’t remember anything else.”
I really don’t want to cry in front of Dex. “You’re fucking lucky you’re alive,” I say hoarsely.
Then I get to my feet and stalk away from him before he can see how fucking emotional I’m getting.
Because I was way too close to losing him.
I hear Dex’s footsteps behind me. “You’re supposed to be resting,” I say without turning.
“I’m fine.”
I keep walking, down the hall and out the doors, to a lawn with a couple benches along the side.
It’s still the middle of the night, so it’s dark apart from the light spilling from a nearby window.
It feels safer like this, with our faces half-hidden in the darkness.
I need to talk to him. Tell him some things.
But it’s going to be really fucking hard for me.
When I drop onto one of the benches, Dex takes a seat beside me, though he leaves space between us.
“I’m sorry about—about earlier,” I begin.
“It’s my fault. That wasn’t the time to spring that on you. And I know it’s not fair that I fucked with the rules of the game.”
I shake my head. “That’s not it.” I hesitate, pressing my hands between my knees, my heart pounding in my throat. “Can I tell you about—about what happened? Before I say anything I might regret?”
Dex gives a raspy laugh. “Are we still playing?”
I want to cry.
It’s hard to drag the words out from inside me. “I was a firefighter and paramedic before this. I think I told you that.”
Dex nods.
I lean my elbows on my knees and hang my head down so he can’t see my face.
“I was driving the ambulance one day, responding to a call-out, when I crashed into a car that pulled out in front of me. I was driving way above the speed limit, so the driver didn’t have much notice, but she should’ve heard the sirens. She didn’t because she had earbuds in. It—”
My throat is closing up, my voice coming out as a croak.
“The car was completely wrecked. It was worse because it was a side-on crash. The girl—”
My shoulders are heaving now, all the awful memories of that day crowding into my head until I can’t see. Dex puts a hand on my back but doesn’t say anything.
“She was my best friend’s little sister.
That’s the worst part of it. She was only nineteen, and her whole body got crushed.
It was so fucking horrifying. And I should’ve responded to it like I’ve been trained, but I couldn’t even force myself to move.
I just stood there, looking at the girl I’d murdered, while the rest of my team cut her out and moved the—the body. ”
“Korren,” Dex says in a low voice. He moves closer, his hand now making gentle circles on my back, and I realize my hands are shaking and tears are dripping down my nose. “Is this the first time you’ve talked to someone about this?”
I nod, still staring down at my knees.
Dex pulls me into a rough sideways hug, and I press my eyes into his shoulder, praying for strength.
“I didn’t get any charges for it or anything,” I mumble. “But I still blame myself. If only I’d gotten on the road a couple minutes earlier instead of misplacing the keys. If only I’d been driving a bit slower. If only I’d been paying better attention.
“It was all over the news the next day. And I couldn’t handle it. I just left. I packed everything I had at my apartment and dumped it on my parents’ lawn, and then I hitchhiked out of town.
“I thought I’d be able to get a grip on myself after a few weeks. But I didn’t. It just got worse. I’ve been a fucking mess ever since that day. You’ve seen how—”
Dex’s arms tighten around me, and I take what comfort I can from his solid presence.
“And it’s not just the nightmares and the way I can’t stop thinking about the crash,” I mutter.
“It’s the fact that I’m so fucking weak that I can’t pull myself back together again.
It’s the way I froze up when I was supposed to be saving her.
The way I still can’t fucking drive without having a panic attack. ”
“Didn’t you borrow my car the other day?”
I give a choked laugh. “I tried. I didn’t make it past putting the key in the ignition.”
“That’s the night you were drinking,” Dex says with dawning understanding.
I don’t say anything.
“You’re not weak,” Dex murmurs. “You’ve had something horrific happen to you, and it’s hard for you to cope with it because you care so much. That doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you, Korren. But—”
Dex leans back and puts a hand on my cheek, forcing me to turn so he can look into my reddened eyes.
“I think part of your problem is that you’re afraid of letting anyone else in.
Afraid of relying on someone besides yourself.
And you shouldn’t be. Needing someone there for you doesn’t mean you’re weak.
Hell, I was so lonely before I moved in with you that I didn’t care what we did as long as I had someone to live with. Even before—” He coughs.
“About that,” I say. I have to get it out now before I lose my courage. “I wasn’t being truthful with you earlier. Because—” This is coming out all wrong. “Fuck, Dex. I love you too. All right? And I’m fucking terrified about it.”