Alpha Kane

[ 24 ] - anguish

The fear crawled across my body until it gripped me by the throat.

When the dam of my shock broke, the sob fell from my mouth. Time felt suspended until we were surrounded. In a flash, the men seized Kane, and Carmen wrapped her arms around me, yanking me back.

My neck stung as his canines scratched my skin. I immediately covered it with my hand. He marked me.

I fell back onto Carmen, scrambling back as four of them took a limb each.

They pinned him down with all of their strength as he snarled.

He looked like he was going to shift before Finn stabbed a needle into his neck, injecting him with something.

I stared at my mate with tear-filled eyes as he slowly went limp and unconscious.

My ears were ringing and it took Carmen shaking me for her words to finally cut through it.

"Rina! Rina! Look at me!"

I craned my head back, meeting her worried gaze. I couldn't breathe and my chest felt tight. I twisted my body to face her and flung my arms around her neck. I held on to her for dear life and cried into her neck. Her arms wrapped around me tightly.

"I've got you. You're okay," she said comfortingly, rubbing my back.

"He should sleep until the full moon goes down," Finn spoke, cutting through my cries. I felt him come closer. "Luna, do you need medical attention?"

I turned in Carmen's arms and looked at him through blurry eyes. He was kneeling beside me. I pressed my lips shut, trying to swallow down my heavy breaths. I bared my neck to him so he could see.

"It's just a graze—he marked you properly," he softly said, glancing up at Carmen with a frown. "I need you to take her home. Take the car."

There was an intense tugging in my chest. It was only now that I was out of his arms that I could feel the effect of the mark. The mating bond had been strengthened and half of my soul had tied to his. He would be able to see into the depths of my heart and mind.

The thought of being apart from him felt more unbearable than before, especially because of the full moon. "I can't leave him..." I weakly replied, glancing at him lying on the floor and looking so defeated.

"He's very unpredictable right now, Luna. I can't risk your safety any more than I already have. He will kill me if I let him harm you again."

Again.

The emotion threatened to cut off my airway. I knew I had to listen to Finn, but my body wasn't on the same page as my mind.

"When is he going to wake up?" I asked.

"Tomorrow morning. We'll move him to the other room. It has a bed and another set of chains."

I exhaled shakily. I hated the idea of him being chained like a wild animal, but I knew that he needed to be. He had torn the chains right from the ceiling.

"What's wrong with him? What's happening to him?"

Finn's frown deepened and Carmen held me tighter. "We don't know. This has happened every full moon for the past three years. He blacks out and will cut down anything in his way. After the first time, he had this room modified and every full moon, we chain him up and make sure he doesn't get out."

It had to be the spell.

"That's why you were all hurt last month—oh my God," I broke off with a gasp.

"Meeting you...he's become so much stronger, so we weren't prepared. But we have more answers now than we ever did before. This is what Santiago is looking into."

Carmen squeezed me. "We're going to find a way to help him, Luna. We're not giving up on him."

Why was this happening?

"I—" I closed my mouth. I didn't know what to say.

Carmen coaxed me up and I didn't let go of her.

Callum, Jack, Taron and Rollo were kneeling by Kane and keeping an eye on him.

He was breathing but the storm was apparent on his face.

Even unconscious, he appeared to be fighting something.

My heart broke for him and all I wanted to do was hold him in my arms and comfort him.

"Come on, let's get you home."

I reluctantly let her walk me out of the castle. We came to her car and my movements felt robotic when I climbed into the passenger seat and clipped my seatbelt on. We drove home in silence and there was nothing behind my blank stare.

His scent flooded my nose as soon as I stepped into the house and it almost triggered the tears.

This scent felt like home and was a stark difference from the wild tinge his scent had in the castle.

It was almost as if it wasn't him. I knew it was, though, because his mark on my neck fine-tuned all my senses towards him. I would know him blind.

When I dragged myself to the bathroom with a change of clothes, I turned to Carmen who was watching me carefully. "Please don't leave."

"I'm right here, I promise."

Her words were comforting enough when I entered the bathroom and turned on the shower.

I needed to wash off the feel of the cold, hard floor and the rusty, metallic chains that had dug into my back.

I only looked into the mirror after my shower.

I wiped the condensation off and there, clear as day, was his mark.

Two puncture wounds that he, even in his mania, had managed to seal with his saliva.

He had pierced my flesh with such accuracy that I knew he had been driven in his blackout to mark me.

I wished I had been ready.

The only sign of a struggle was the scratch marks that went vertically down my collarbone. They would heal by tomorrow.

Carmen stayed true to her words and stayed with me, even as I fell asleep from exhaustion.

—————

I was awoken from a tiring sleep by a buzzing sensation all across my body. Every cell in my body felt like it was pleasantly vibrating. The mate bond had intensified. Even in my sleepiness, I knew Kane was near. I opened my eyes and saw that Carmen was lying beside me, fast asleep.

She too woke up and I quickly understood why when Finn slowly opened the bedroom door. He smiled sympathetically at me and quietly approached his mate.

"Finn, are you all okay?" Carmen sleepily muttered, sitting up.

He nodded and said in a hushed tone, "Yes, go back to sleep. I'm just here to get you." He hooked one arm underneath her knees and the other around her back to lift her into his arms.

She linked her arms around his neck and I smiled a little when she said my name. She was back asleep before I could reply.

Finn lifted his gaze back to me. "We'll come back to check on you later, okay?"

"Okay. Is he...?"

Finn nodded and left me with one final smile before leaving the room. The door slowly swung behind him. They could leave Kane by himself now that the full moon had disappeared. Things were back to normal, for lack of a better word.

I sat up and groggily rubbed my face. I threw the covers off my body and stood up. I only made it to the foot of the bed before the door creaked fully open again.

I felt my heart break and mend at the same time.

Kane stood in front of me with a grey undertone to his skin. He looked truly drained and there was a darkness in his eyes that hadn't been there before. The bags underneath his eyes told me that being unconscious did nothing to help him rest. He dragged his feet forward as if they were mountains.

I held my breath as he closed the distance between us. I felt like I was floating. He looked lost when the apprehension appeared in my heart and on my face.

Then, his gaze lowered to my neck and disbelief flashed in his eyes.

Since the first day I had met Kane, he was a man of contained emotion. A man who towered over everyone else in stature and power. But, for the first time, he bared the depths of his soul to me.

I forced the air out of my lungs when he lowered himself to his knees in front of me. His head fell forward and rested against my stomach. His arms wrapped around the small of my back. I stood still and my breathing filled the silence until he cracked.

His body shook with his deep sobs and he held onto me tightly.

The sleep cleared from my eyes and the sound of his pain shocked me back into my body. I almost lost my balance and steadied myself with hands on his shoulders. My hands flexed as I felt him shake harder. I tightened my grip on him and threaded my fingers through his hair.

"I'm so sorry, Rina." He was barely coherent as he spoke through his sobs. He repeated it again and again.

My bottom lip shook and I looked down at him through a mist of tears. My heart shattered once more.

I couldn't find the words.

After a while, his cries dwindled and his body slumped against mine. He looked up at me with a tear-stricken face. His amber eyes had darkened with anguish. It was tearing him apart.

"Rina—I tried. I tried so hard and I failed you."

Flashes of yesterday came back to me and I felt my hands shake. It wasn't him, I repeated in my mind. My conflicted thoughts made the tears fall down my face.

"I know," I whispered forlornly. "I know you didn't mean to, but I didn't—it wasn't supposed to happen like that."

My heart twisted in my chest and he winced as he felt it. I wouldn't feel his emotions until I marked him too.

"And I'm so sorry for that. You have to believe me. I didn't want to hurt you." His deep voice cracked at the end and he dropped his head in shame.

I stared at him silently. Part of me wanted to hide myself away from him but the other wanted nothing more than for him to wrap his arms around me and tell me it would all be okay.

I lifted his head with a gentle hand around his chin.

"You're my mate," I spoke shakily, pressing my fingers against his jaw.

"So I forgive you. But I'm going to need time to come to terms with what happened.

And before that, you're going to tell me what yesterday was about and why you hid it from me. "

He nodded instantly. "Okay. Whatever you need, I promise."

I coaxed him up onto his feet and he peered down at me with dimmed eyes. There was pure magnetism between us now that he had marked me. It had poured a part of his soul's essence into me and I could feel his power flow through me.

His hand lifted to touch my mark and I held it instead. "Please don't," I said quietly. I wasn't ready for him to touch it just yet.

He faltered and swallowed audibly. "Your mark or you?"

I sighed. "Just the mark."

He took his hand from mine and cupped my face. His thumb gently caressed underneath my eye. "You're tired and hurt and feel like you're not safe with me anymore."

I shivered and turned my head away from his hand. "That's not fair. Stay out of my head."

He frowned. "Would you tell me if I do?"

I lifted my heavy gaze to his. "Like you told me about your blackouts?"

He stared at me for a long moment. "I deserved that." His shoulders fell in resignation. "Be angry with me, Rina, but be with me. I promise you don't need to shut me out."

"I have been in survival mode for three years." My voice cracked and I tried not to cry. "This is all I know how to be, and I swear I am not trying to punish you for something you had no control over, but I'm in pain and even if my mind knows differently, my body doesn't."

His jaw tensed as he felt the flood of my emotions. "I know. I just want to be here for you. You don't have to let me touch you or even speak to me, but I'm here. Please don't push me away."

He's your soulmate, Rina, I thought.

I looked at his flushed face and the deep pain in his eyes. I didn't need to mark him to know that he was scared that he had ruined things between us.

Talking could wait.

"You scared me yesterday," I said, honestly. He exhaled shakily. "But I'm not scared of you. I know you tried to fight it."

"I did," he rasped. "I swear I did."

I nodded, taking a step closer to him. "I need to cry and I need you to hold me while I do."

He set himself into motion like he was waiting for me to let him touch me. He lifted me bridal-style and kneeled on the bed. I gripped onto his shoulders and waited for him to sit against the headboard. I lay my head on his shoulder and fisted his shirt in my hand.

He had showered and gone was his wild scent. He smelled like home again. The second I took in his scent, the floodgates burst.

I cried for what could've been without the spell, and all the things that had happened because of it.

He held me firmly even though I knew he was breaking too. He stroked my hair with a delicate hand and I took comfort in his embrace. I wasn't sure how long I cried for, but when I stopped, my eyes were half closed.

I was so tired.

"Tell me we'll be okay..."

"We'll be okay. I won't rest until we are," he replied into my hair, kissing my head.

I stretched out my legs to lie on him. He shuffled down the bed until he was flat on his back. We had a silent understanding that we needed to sleep.

It was mid-afternoon when I woke up again, feeling more well-rested than before.

Kane was still fast asleep and when I lifted my head to look at him, I felt a surge of emotion in my chest. Now that he had marked me, I couldn't deny that I had such intense feelings for him.

They were no longer hidden from him, so I had to feel and acknowledge them.

He had claimed me, more than the brand on my wrist ever did, and we were one step closer to completing the mate process. Everyone would know I was his.

I smiled slightly at that thought.

I could've stayed watching him if it wasn't for the intense hunger pang that reminded me I hadn't eaten in twenty-four hours. I almost climbed off Kane when his arms linked around my body.

He wasn't awake yet but in his sleep could tell I wasn't flush against him anymore.

"Kane," I whispered, sliding my hand against his angular jaw.

His eyes fluttered and opened slightly. "Are you okay?" he responded softly.

I nodded. "I'm hungry. I was going to make food."

He reluctantly loosened his hold on me. A sleepy frown climbed onto his face. My thumb traced the outline of his lips.

"You're still tired. Sleep."

He gently shook his head. "I don't want to spend any more time apart from you."

I cracked a smile. "You'd think I marked you."

His eyes opened more now. His chest rose and fell with soft breaths and he smiled too. "If this is how I feel without it..."

I sat up and straddled his muscular thighs. "I don't regret it, you know—trying to help you yesterday. Even though I wanted it to happen differently and later, I always knew I wanted your mark."

His hands slid to my hips and his fingertips danced across the hem of my shirt. They felt warm against my bare skin. "You're too good for me, you know that?"

I shook my head and took his hands in mine. I turned it over and saw the slightly raw skin of his wrists. The silver slowed down healing time. I lifted them to my lips and kissed them. "None of this is your fault."

He held my gaze and slowly sat up. He pressed a kiss on my chest then my collarbone. He stayed away from my neck because he felt the anticipation in my chest. His mouth lingered on my chin and his eyes closed.

"Thank you." His voice was thick with sleep. "Let's go get something to eat."

I climbed off him and this time, he let me. We took a detour to freshen up and then made our way down to the kitchen. We still had leftovers from New Year's, so we heated them and took our seats on the kitchen island.

I dug into the chicken casserole and watched Kane carefully. He was eating quickly since he needed to replenish his energy stores.

I bit the bullet and asked the question. "What happened, Kane?"

He looked up at me and sighed. "I don't know where to start." He placed his knife and fork down. "I started having these blackouts at the end of the war. Only on the full moon. The first time it happened, thank God, I only harmed a few deer and ended up on my parents' doorstep covered in blood."

My heart dropped. It was a miracle he didn't kill anyone in the pack.

"I made sure that the pack were protected from me if it ever happened again, and sure enough, it did on the next full moon. My parents, Finn, Carmen and the rest of the warriors are the only ones who know about it. And now you and Santiago."

"And you don't remember anything that happens when you blackout?" I asked, shocked.

"No," he shook his head, frowning. "I didn't even know I marked you. All I remember is telling you to go away so that I wouldn't hurt you. Rina, yesterday was the first time I ever resurfaced during a blackout."

My eyebrows shot up. Santiago did say that our bond was fighting against the spell. "How did you do it?"

"I-I just thought of you. Last month, I only managed to escape because I felt that you were in pain. The strength that I have now because of you—it's a double-edged sword. During my blackouts, it's lethal."

My hand instantly went to my neck and my fingers brushed across my mark. He had done it in the blink of an eye after ripping metal chains from the ceiling that were encased in silver. His eyes followed my movements and he frowned but continued.

"I hid it from you because I'm ashamed of it. Before we found out about the spell, I thought there was something wrong with me, that I was just a monster. I know the reputation I have. I couldn't have you look at me and think the same."

Kane's name was a bad omen. No one got on his bad side and uttered it without suffering. My old pack knew that when we aided Leander's pack in the war.

I kept my gaze on his. "You feel my emotions now. You know how I feel about you."

"I do now," he replied. "But before, all I knew was that you feared me and I couldn't handle the thought of giving you another reason. I hate that I did."

I put my cutlery down and rubbed my face. "I wish you had told me. We're in this together."

He reached for my hand across the table. "There are so many things I have to apologise for. I promise I'll be better for you."

I squeezed his hand. "No more secrets. Please."

He nodded. "No more secrets."

I averted my gaze for my last question. It was the one that weighed heaviest on my mind. "When you were blacking out...before you realised I was there, you said something, a name. Mari. Who is that?"

His eyebrows came together and he closed his eyes. "I should've been honest with you a long time ago, Rina."

I didn't dare blink.

"Mari is a name from my past—from three years ago. I came to know of it when I turned twenty-one. It disappeared after nine months during the war, but..."

Twenty-one. The age that—

"I had something on my wrist before I met you."