Chapter 20
Chapter Twenty
Matthias
Fuck.
I couldn’t have fucked this any more.
I almost lost control and marked Maisy back there. And now she’s seen me injecting myself with Moon Cure.
It must’ve triggered her childhood trauma because my lovely mate looks like she wants to run as fast and far as she can away from me.
She stumbles back, and I dive forward to steady her.
“Don’t,” she snaps, shaking my hands off her forearms. Her face is pale. “Let go. I don’t know what’s going on, but I don’t like it.”
“I can understand that, Maisy. I totally can. I’m sure with your parents–”
“What did you mean by keep from claiming me?”
I want to scoop Maisy up in my arms and carry her back to the bedroom, but I can tell she’s not interested in my comfort right now. She wants an explanation.
I yank the band off my arm and deposit the needles in the sharps container. “Come–let’s sit down. I can explain the biology of mates.”
Maisy stalks back into the bedroom, but instead of sitting down, she pulls on clothes, like she’s feeling vulnerable and needs to cover up.
Shifters aren’t shy about being naked, but–so it’s not weird–I also yank the sweatpants that my brothers had on the party bus back on.
“Have a seat,” I invite.
“No, I’m good.” She folds her arms across her chest.
This really isn’t going well. The needle must’ve been more triggering than I even imagined. She must think I’m a junkie or an addict. But she has it wrong. I do have an addiction–but it’s not to a drug. I’m addicted to her. The Moon Cure is to treat that vice.
“According to the lore, every shifter has one true mate. Supposedly, it’s orchestrated by fate. As a scientist, I hypothesize that it’s actually related to biology.”
Maisy stares at me without reaction, so I plunge on.
Science is my go-to when things get tough.
I studied medicine after my parents’ death as a means to control my surroundings when things felt out of control.
When Winnie, our adoptive mother, grew sick, I was grateful I understood the biology beneath her illness, so I could save her.
Then, when I found my fated mate lived in my small town and was far too young for me, I developed Moon Cure to keep my bear in check.
Once Maisy hears the science behind our connection, she’ll understand everything.
“Shifters know their ‘fated mate’”--I use air quotes around the phrase fated mate– “by scent. Because there’s only one mate per shifter, and yours could be anywhere on the planet, only about one in twenty shifters find their mates although I’d like to set up a survey and compile the data from the last twenty years because that number may be changing.
Another thing that has changed in the last ten years is a surge in the number of fated mates with humans. ” I indicate her with my open palm.
Her lips tighten into a thin line. She takes a step backward, like she wants more space between us which doesn’t make sense.
“Once a male shifter finds his fated mate, he will mark her, permanently embedding his scent into her skin through a mating bite to let other males know she’s taken.”
Maisy’s fingers drift to the place I nearly marked her, and she rubs the skin there.
“In order to increase the chances of finding your fated mate, shifters attend mating games around the world. The chances of me finding my fated mate in the same small town where I live must be miniscule, and yet, there you were.” I extend my palm to her again with a smile, but she doesn’t smile back.
“If a male shifter finds his mate but doesn’t claim her, or if an alpha shifter never finds and marks a mate, he can go moon mad.
Basically, he turns feral, unable to shift from his animal form back to human form.
When that happens, they have to be put down for the safety of both the shifter and human communities. ”
Maisy still doesn’t speak, so I plow on. “I developed Moon Cure to treat the onset of moon madness. I use vampire blood.”
“Vampires?” She blinks. I guess she doesn’t know about vampires yet.
“Yes, but never mind about that. The point is, I am only taking this medicine to prevent hurting you.”
“You’d never hurt me.”
“But I want to. I want to mark you.”
“So…” Maisy seems to work to swallow, “You developed Moon Cure, so you wouldn’t mark me?”
I smile at her. She does understand. “Exactly.”
“Because you didn’t want to mate me.”
I frown, suddenly hating the direction this is going. “No. Because you were too young. Maisy, you were only fifteen when you hit puberty, and I realized you were my mate. Claiming you would’ve been wrong in every way.”
Her lips part in shock. Her face turns white. She steps back, like I’ve struck her.
What did I do?
I reach for her, and she steps back again. “I need a moment.”
Maisy
My mind spins out, unable to even process what’s happening. I walk back out to the kitchen where Matthias’ medical bag still sits on the kitchen counter as a sordid reminder. He’s been shooting up to keep from claiming me.
Taking drugs.
I’m cold and clammy. My heart pounds, and a sick feeling twists in my gut.
On some level, I recognize that some of this–the initial upset–is related to childhood trauma. My nervous system is in fight or flight because I saw Matthias in the same position I found my mom before she died.
But there’s more to it than that. I feel so…unwanted. I can’t tell if my sense of rejection is logical–all I know is that I feel it in every cell of my body.
I just need some space to sort through my thoughts. Unfortunately, Matthias follows me into the kitchen.
“Maisy, beautiful, please. Let me hold you,” he pleads behind me.
I turn and swallow. “Let me get this straight,” my voice is quiet. “You’ve been taking a drug to keep from claiming me?”
He nods warily. “But if it bothers you, I’ll stop. I understand how upsetting it must be to you.”
“For seven years?”
To his credit, Matthias looks miserable. I know he didn’t mean to hurt me, but he has.
Deeply.
He spreads his hands. “I tried to stay away from you, Maisy. You were far too young for me. I knew how flustered I made you–I presumed it was because you could feel our biological connection, and it confused you since I was so much older.”
He knew how flustered…
Ugh. Humiliation washes through me as memories of how I spilled coffee, stammered, and became tongue-tied every time he walked into the cafe. The whole time, he was thinking of me as a child. Someone “far too young” with whom he has an inconvenient biological connection.
So basically, he wasn’t interested in me as a person. Of course he wasn’t! Why would he be–I was a nobody. But his animal body has an attraction to my physical body.
And apparently, what I thought was some kind of deep soul connection was also just biology. I was never in love with Dr. Hunk. It was my body. I had no choice in the matter.
I don’t like this.
What felt like a magical, mystical, true love has now been reduced to an unwanted biological urge.
Ugh!
It makes me feel unwanted and worthless.
“Our biological connection,” I repeat hollowly. My stomach twists up again in a painful knot.
“Yes.”
I blink rapidly, and tears spear my eyes.
Matthias looks horrified. “What did I say, Maisy? Why does that upset you?” He comes closer and reaches for me.
“Don’t.” I hold up a hand. “Don’t come near me. I–” I shake my head to arrange my thoughts. “I need to go home.”
“Why?” He steps closer again, and I move away. “Maisy, what’s bothering you? Talk to me, please.”
The part of me that wants to fight back surfaces, and I pin him with a blazing look. “Yes, Matthias,” I snap. “You flustered me. I guess I did feel the biological connection between us.”
He appears confused. “Why is that upsetting? What am I missing, Maisy?”
“Nothing. Nothing at all. I’m glad you found a way to control your biological attraction to me. I would hate for you to have to give in and actually, you know, mate with someone you didn’t want. Someone so much younger and easily flustered.”
“Maisy, beautiful. I didn’t mean to offend you. I didn’t mean it that way.”
Tears spill down my cheeks. “I don’t know how else to take it. Basically, the only reason you’re here is because your biology demands it. If it were up to you–to your head and your heart–you wouldn’t even be with me.”
“No. That’s not true.”
“It is true. You just took a drug to keep yourself from mating me.” I wave a hand in the direction of his doctor bag.
“Clearly, you don’t think we’re right for each other.
You’ve avoided me for seven years. I’ve been an adult for four of those, but you never made contact.
You didn’t show up until I was in danger.
And then, it was probably because your biology forced you to.
So don’t worry. I’ll keep my distance from you, so you don’t have to keep poisoning yourself with drugs to keep from claiming me. ”
I pick up his phone from the counter and turn the screen to his face to unlock it, then dial up Axel.
“I’m going back to Bad Bear. I’d appreciate it if you didn’t contact me.” I hold my head high.
Matthias may think of me as a little flustered girl, but he’s the one who missed out. I’m all woman. We can chalk my inexperience up to biology–I guess some part of me was confused and waiting for him, but that’s over.
I’m a grown woman, and if I’m not enough for him, it’s his damn loss.