Chapter 89
Chapter Eighty-Nine
~Thane~
Every morning, I awake to find myself in the Den, savoring the last remnants of her scent.
I spent the past four days living alone, working alone, and just being on my own.
None of them will take my calls, but I do, however, notice numerous calls going to Alpha Jake’s phone.
I can feel their anxiety, how much they crave her and miss her. I feel the same way.
I pushed them too far, and I pushed her to leave us.
Yet, locked in my depression, I can’t bring myself to face them.
Feeling their disappointment in me crushes the parts I had refused let break for so long.
Or so I thought, because now I realize that they were already broken—some facade of which I thought was whole.
I am just kidding myself, hiding behind my guilt, behind my anger.
My mother will be cursing my name for what I’ve done.
I know I should have gone with her to get Harlow; I shouldn’t have let her go on her own.
It is a mistake I will have to live with for the rest of my life.
Climbing the stairs from the Den, I move toward the kitchen island where I left my phone, hoping by some miracle that they called, or that I will find a message saying she returned to us.
We’ve already lost so much. This time it isn’t someone else that took from my mates—it’s me, and that’s the guilt that guts me the most.
I sigh, seeing no messages or missed calls. I dial Raidon’s number, but the phone rings out. Setting my phone down, I fill the electric kettle and move to start it when a message arrives from him.
Raidon: She is safe.
Just three words, but the relief they cause me is immense.
You spoke with her? I send in return.
This is the first contact I’ve had with any of them. I don’t want to risk calling and have him not answer.
Raidon: Yes, but you need to leave her alone, Thane. I know you are watching our calls, and I know you know where she is.
Me: Come home. Tell her to call me.
Raidon: It’s not home without her there.
His reply angers me, and I set the phone down, knowing better than to reply while angry.
Raidon is hot-headed. It’s why we clash the most. I will get nowhere with him by arguing.
But he is right, I know she is with Jake.
I also know, as much as we don’t get along, Jake knows better than to hurt her.
Our families are all connected, even if we don’t see eye to eye, and there are some boundaries he will push; like when he was pestering me about Harlow at work.
But ultimately, he knows better than to cross me.
Alphas are competitive by nature. He does it for the challenge, but we both know who would win if we were to ever actually fight.
He may have more mates than me, which technically should make him stronger, but I am one thing he isn’t.
I am Alpha-of-Alpha born. My mother was not just my fathers’ mate, but their equal.
My mates' submission only enhances that ten-fold.
I’m making my coffee when my phone suddenly vibrates, and I glance at it before reaching for it.
Raidon: She wants to come home, but she is too scared to.
I stare at the screen, pondering what to reply.
Every time I think of Harlow, that blistering anger returns.
All I see is her drenched in my mother’s blood.
I think of Tara, and the way she manipulated us until we were too blind to see what she took from us.
I never loved Tara, even though I thought I did.
I fell in love with Zara, only to learn she was really Harlow.
She’s a liar, just like Tara. She manipulated us into believing she was someone else, and I want to punish her for it.
Instead, I ended up punishing all of us.
Me: Then tell her to come home.
Raidon: And what is she coming home to, Thane? She thinks you want to kill her or that you’ll put her in rotation.
I sigh, now regretting the words I told her.
Not even I would be cruel enough to go through with killing her.
Nor would I subject my mates, or myself, to a broken mate bond by rejecting her.
I also wouldn’t deprive my own daughter of a mother.
I need her to fear me, because her fear somehow makes my anger for her seem reasonable.
A minute or so passes when my phone vibrates again. This time it’s an image. It’s of Harlow and her twin. The caption attached reads: Her sister is alive, Jake faked her death.
My brows furrow in confusion as I think back on everything I know.
How is her sister alive? And why would Jake lie about it?
It would explain why he never joined the auctions again.
I had not once seen his name on the monthly listings.
I assumed he found an Omega within his city, or one on rotation, but that must be why he was pestering me about Harlow.
He tried to cover his scent, but I now remember the underlying hint of an Omega on him.
That's why it angered me so much when he asked about her. That and her obvious fear of him.
Raidon: That is why he wanted her, Thane. Not for himself, but for her sister, his mate.
Me: You believe him?
Raidon: I believe our mate. She is safe, but she wants to come home. I’m not going to get her if you’re just going to lock her in the Den or plan on hurting her after our daughter is born.
I swallow, trying to wrap my head around this new piece of information. It does explain Jake’s unrelenting help after my mother died. I thought it was for his mother, but now I question those intentions.
Raidon: Thane, are you going to give me an answer? What will you do if she comes back?
Me: I don’t know.
I answer honestly, knowing he will feel any deception. I don’t know. Without her, my pack will fall apart. Without her, I will go fucking insane with constant worry. Will she even come back? I know I would drag her back kicking and screaming if needed, but they would hate me more for it.
Getting dressed, I move about the house, ignoring my housekeeper vacuuming before grabbing my keys off the dresser. Picking them up, I spot the old photo of my parents. Guilt gnaws at me, seeing their once happy faces. Guilt for letting her go alone that day.
The longer I stare, the more I feel her eyes scolding me.
I feel the disapproval I know she would have over this situation.
Growling, I stalk out of my room, intent to go to Elaine’s and speak with them.
Their nervous energy and unease bite at me as I drive down the street.
I need to see them, speak with them, and convince them to come home.
Driving across town, I’m distracted as I head toward them.
I’m so distracted that I don’t realize I am leaving the city until I see the sign saying so.
Cursing, I pull over on the side of the road.
I’m about to make a U-turn and head back, but that tugging feeling inside me and the longing from the bond have me gripping the steering wheel.
My knuckles press tightly beneath my skin.
Before I realize what is happening, or if I can stop it, I have a panic attack.
I feel like I am dying. That my heart will stop at any second.
Sweat beads and rolls down my neck. My phone starts ringing.
I can feel my mates’ panic bleeding into me, reinforcing my own, solidifying it in place.
I find myself frozen, staring at the screen's dash with their names popping up.
I am losing my damn mind, losing myself in grief, anger, and guilt.
Never in my life have I suffered a panic attack, but my life is so chaotic right now, I’m not too surprised.
The very seams I have been trying to hold together toss me blindly into the new experience.
Names keep popping up as Raidon, Leon, and Elaine try calling me.
I know they can feel it and know it is a foreign feeling for them from me.
My hands are locked on the steering wheel as I try to break through the adrenaline pumping through my veins.
I can hear them in my head, trying to talk to me.
I hear the mind-link open. I am muted, stunned, and embarrassed by what is happening.
I feel weak, and just as it feels like it is easing, another surge rushes through me.
The Bluetooth speaker starts ringing again; a private number pops up while they keep telling me to answer their calls, telling me to pick up and calm down. With great force, my finger slides over the button on the steering wheel.
“Thane?”
Silence
“You’re scaring everyone, please speak.”
The moment I hear her voice I break. The panic attack lifts and is replaced with grief for what I lost. I lost the family I created.
I hurt her, and yet here she is, calling me despite her fear.
Whether it is because she cares or because they asked her to, I don’t care.
I’m just relieved and destroyed at the same time hearing her voice.
“You’re okay, Thane. I’m right here,” she tells me as I press my head against the steering wheel. I suck in a huge lung-full of air, feeling as if my lungs had compressed.
“Breathe, Thane, it will pass. Just listen to my voice, and breathe,” she says.
I nod, focusing on her voice while I cry stupidly into my steering wheel. I feel ridiculous—I didn’t even cry at my parents' funerals. I didn’t cry when Tara turned up dead. I never cry. I always saw it as weakness.
Yet here I am, crying over Harlow leaving us, crying over the shame I feel knowing I let my mother down; crying over the woman I want to protect more than anything, but who I hurt beyond belief all because I am too stubborn to see what is right in front of my face.
She isn’t capable of hurting anyone. I blamed her so I didn’t have to blame myself.
Rhen was right. I blamed her because I needed to believe I didn’t waste the past couple years hating the woman I now love.