Chapter 13
THIRTEEN
ANNIKA
As soon as I get behind the front door to my dorm, I press my back against it and release the anxiety that’s been inside me the whole time with a big exhale.
The entire date, I felt the struggle of wanting to get closer to Reid but also struggling with the definition of casual.
I’m seriously going to scream if I hear Chloe say that word to me again.
I take a deep breath in again and close my eyes.
Reid was a dream. He is a dream. He wore this chunky thrifted sweater that was soft whenever I’d rub against his shoulder.
He smelled like rainy woods and palo santo.
His green marble eyes twinkled every time they looked at me.
I wanted to sit on his lap and make out with him the entire movie.
But Chloe’s voice in my head said to keep things light.
“Are you okay? How did the date go?” I open my eyes and notice that Chloe has been staring at me while sitting on her bed reading a book.
She never really likes campus gatherings and always prefers spending time with Dane or me or hanging in the dorm, reading, or painting.
She is sporting a concerned expression as she gazes up from her book.
I realize I look strange pinned against the door, taking deep breaths, so I shake it off and sit next to her on her bed.
“Unfortunately, I think I’m falling in love with him,” I confess to her.
“I knew this was going to happen. What happened to your college fling dreams?” She closes her book and chucks it on the shelf like whatever we are about to talk about is way more interesting than whatever she was reading.
“We both knew I was doomed when my first fling was Reid, the love of my life all through middle school.” I rub my eyes with my palms, not caring that I’ve smeared my eyeliner. “What do I do now?”
“Well, what do you want? Do you want a steady boyfriend?” She leans toward me and starts braiding little pieces of my hair in the hope it will relax me. “Or do you want to be a free bird through college?”
I weigh these options in my head as if my life depends on it.
He already expects a third date, and when he said that, I got a pit in my stomach as if that wasn’t what I should do.
I wish things in my life were clear. I can’t seem to put my finger on the one thing I actually want.
Whenever I try to search within myself to discover what I actually want to do, I can’t help but put everyone else before me.
I decide that I’m not going to settle on something tonight and instead drag myself to the shower and go to sleep.
Maybe tomorrow, I’ll be in a clearer headspace.
11:18 a.m.
Bzzz bzz
I slept in longer than I ever have before.
Even in my sleep, I was procrastinating my next steps with Reid.
I could barely sleep. I kept tossing and turning.
Sure, I got butterflies whenever I thought about him, but also that was followed by a nauseous wave because I can’t help but think it wasn’t the right thing to do.
I don’t even know if I’m enjoying my major, and I am worried that if I start to date someone seriously, I’m going to get even more distracted.
The sun outside is fighting to shine through my drapes, so I stand up and pull them open.
Chloe isn’t on her side of the room, so I’m guessing she’s out with Dane today.
It also doesn’t help that she keeps reminding me to keep my dating experience light.
Yet she’s been dating Dane for a couple of months now.
My head hurts the more I think about everything, and I feel like it would be easier to just hide from everyone and lock myself in my room.
Buzzz buzz
I reach for my phone and see it’s from Reid. My feelings are so confused that I just stare at his name for almost a full minute before opening his text.
It’s a video. He looks like he’s in his car at a stoplight.
When I hit play, he’s singing “Milkshake” by Kelis.
I think of Mean Girls instantly and how, on the walk home from the movie Reid stood under a lamp post and did the same dance from the movie.
I nearly fell down laughing. We walked the rest of the way back, holding hands.
It felt so natural, so easy with him. When I am with him, things are clear, but once I am alone, I struggle with what I want.
In the video, he’s belting out the chorus, and the car next to him is laughing until he blows them a kiss, then they give him a scowl and drive off.
I play the video three times and laugh each time.
He’s so unapologetically himself. He’s such a goof and is not embarrassed by it all.
I really like that about him and find it rubbing off on me when I’m with him too.
I send back a few laughing emojis and decide to go for a long walk today. Hopefully, that will clear my head. I’ll take it day by day and go from there and try to trust my gut.