Chapter 34
THIRTY-FOUR
ANNIKA
I emerge from my room to find Chloe curled on our couch, reading a new release she brought home.
Hardcover. I don’t know how she reads such monstrosities.
I won’t even look at a book unless it's a floppy paperback. Dandy is curled up on Chloe’s shoulder, snoozing away as she reads.
She looks at peace and calm. I hope she’s happy here and not pretending for my sake. She seems happy.
I head into our kitchen and make myself a dirty chai latte on our little espresso machine.
It’s not the same as the Human Bean makes it, but it will do.
I need the energy and courage to have a serious talk with my best friend.
Why am I nervous? Chloe and I have been friends our entire lives and lived with each other for the past six years.
I’m worried she’ll say she’s unhappy and we’ll have to move again.
I don’t want to leave, I want to stay here with my happy life, and I selfishly want her to stay here too.
Joining her on our small sectional, I take a spot on the other end of the couch and sip my chai, staring at her until she feels my eyes burning a hole through the book she’s reading.
“Good Morning Anni,” Chloe says to me without looking up from her book.
“Hey Chlo, whatcha wanna do today? We have an entire free day today. We can do whatever we want. Whatever you want.”
I will myself to stop fidgeting, but I at least get her attention, and she closes her book and sets it down, careful not to disturb the purring cat still on her shoulder.
“Why are you giving me so much attention this morning? What book do you want?” My mouth flies agape. Is that who I am? Do I not ask her what she wants to do, so when I do, it’s only for my benefit? I push aside my defenses and remember it’s not about me right now.
“I just am curious if there’s anything you wanna do today. I feel like we haven’t had a day with just the two of us since our thrifting day in June.”
She lets out a deep sigh. That can’t be good.
Sighs are never good. “Well, honestly, I don’t want to leave the house today.
I know it’s sunny and gorgeous outside, but I just wanna stay in this spot, sitting on my butt, reading my new book.
I feel like I see enough of the public during work that I just want a break from it. ”
She goes to reach for her book again, but I keep talking. “We can have a day in. I can order us some breakfast if ya want.”
“Ooo yeah, let’s get pancakes.” She shimmies in excitement.
“Of course, pancakes are one of your major food groups,” I say.
“Hey, speaking of work, how is it, by the way? I realized I’ve just been happily going to work and rudely never even asking you if you like your job, and all the feelings rushed to me this morning when I woke up, and I feel like a terrible friend, but I’m trying not to make this about myself so I want you to tell me if you hate it and we can try again.
We can move somewhere else that you like too. We can find you your dream job. And–”
Chloe’s mouth falls open, and she reaches for my arm, cutting off my panic rambling. “Whoa, whoa, Anni, chill. Is that what all this is about? You're trying to butter me up because you’re worried I’m unhappy?”
All I can do is nod. I feel like if I open my mouth, I’ll start rambling again, and I’m trying to push the tears away that are forcing themselves up.
“I love you, and you didn’t force me to move here.
You were going to move alone, remember? But you took me with you, and I am so grateful for that.
Sure, I am not the happiest right now, but it’s not because of where we live or my job.
In fact, I’m kind of living the same life I was living in San Diego but in Oregon and single.
” Dandy flops down onto Chloe’s lap so she can get some belly rubs.
“You’re unhappy? When, why didn’t you say something?”
“I didn’t say I’m unhappy, but yeah, I could be happier.
You are so happy here. I don’t want to ruin that with my storm cloud.
I just haven’t recovered from what happened with Dane, and I miss him.
Which I hate. Or I miss having someone to show affection to, at least. And, yeah, being a bookstore manager is not my dream job. ”
“What could you do? If someone waved a magic wand and gave you your dream job?”
She is quiet for a bit. Almost like she’s wondering if she should even tell me.
“You know the shelter we got Dandy from?” I nod.
“I emailed them last week asking if they have any openings. I feel so much joy from Dandy, but being able to rescue her was a different kind of comfort. I want to help the other animals there too. The ones that don’t get adopted.
They need someone to give them love too.
I think that’s what I’d do if I could have a dream job.
To have my own shelter and take care of animals, find them homes, and give them my love.
Have them sit while I paint portraits of each one, so when they do get adopted, their owners can take home their portrait too. ”
My heart warms and breaks from her response. “What did the shelter say?” Now I reach for Dandy because I need something to comfort me.
“They don’t have any paid openings, but they said I can volunteer on my days off. They said if something comes along, it’s easier to transition into a paid position from a volunteer position.”
“That’s great! Are you going to do it? I’m sure there are other shelters around, too, that we can look into. Maybe you can cut down hours at the bookstore.”
“Anni. Look, I love you, so I’m going to tell you this straight.
Stop trying to fix everyone. You need to focus on yourself, okay?
I’ll be okay. Yeah, I don’t love my job, but I’m doing a lot better than I was a few months ago.
You helped me a lot. But please, let me try to fix myself, myself. Why are you tearing up?”
I realize my eyes are getting glassy, and I exhale a deep sigh. “I just want you to be happy.”
“I want the same for you. I’m getting there, okay?” Chloe reaches for my hand and squeezes it. I don’t know if I can let her go completely. I want to help her, but she wants to try to help herself. I need to respect that. I know so deeply how that feels.
“You’ve been there for me my entire life.
You were there for me when my dad left, when my mom didn’t care about me, and when my Birkenstocks were ruined at a party.
Not to mention through the worst breakup of my life.
You picked up my pieces and glued them together for me.
I don’t know how to do it for myself. I need to try. ”
“Okay, now I’m full-on sobbing. I’m sorry, I just want-”
“No! Don’t be sorry for being my best friend, my sister. I love you.”
I can’t take it, and I just reach over and squeeze her, tears streaming down my cheeks.
Dandy nearly misses getting squished between our hug and jumps out to safety.
Chloe’s curly hair tangles around me, and I hug her tighter.
I am so thankful to have this girl by my side and someone who’s been there for the majority of my life.
She’s my sister not by blood but by soul.
I don’t want to lose her, and I’m afraid if I let her figure out her life, she will realize she needs to move away from me.
“Okay, can we order pancakes now? I think I’m going to tell the shelter I want to volunteer, but I need carbs in me.”
“Please do not hesitate to ask me for help. I’m happy to.”
“I know you are.” She smiles and squeezes me tighter.
We set up a little brunch moment out on the front porch, spreading out the pancakes, scrambled eggs, and veggie sausage we got delivered from a local diner so that we can serve as we wish.
I bring out Chloe a glass of her favorite guava juice because I still need to confess my feelings about Reid. I’m worried about how she will take it.
I hand her the glass and give her a big smile. Her face turns from happy to suspicious as she sees the light pink juice. She keeps my gaze as I sit down, and she takes a sip.
“This is guava juice. You only get guava juice for special occasions. What’s going on?”
“I, uh, don’t know what you mean.”
Chloe keeps squinting at me as she gulps down half the glass. “Spill the beans.”
I take another deep breath, willing the heat in my cheeks to subside. I open my mouth, but she cuts me off before I can start.
“It’s about a guy. O-M-G, you’re in love with someone! I know it’s been a while, but I remember you getting all flushed like this the last time….”
I just stare at her and give her an uneasy smile.
She is putting the pieces together without me saying a word.
She knows me too well. When I dated Isaac and Marcus, the relationships were short-lived, flings, not something I thought about day and night.
Chloe rarely heard me talk about them. I’ve thought about how unfair it was that I never gave them all my heart.
I could never meet them at the level I should have.
The level I feel when my heart longs for Reid.
My thoughts are consumed by him. I don’t want to picture a day where he isn’t in my life.
“Annika, you need to speak because I don’t want to guess.”
“You already know. I know you do. I don’t want to say it.”
“Again?” She spears half a pancake and shoves it into her mouth, furiously chewing and swallowing before continuing. “Are you sure? I don’t need to remind you how everything went down last time. Do you think he even feels the same way toward you?”
Ouch, I wince at that last hypothetical question, and she sees it in my face. I knew it was a mistake to say anything. I should have just let this crush simmer in my life forever until one of us eventually moved away. But I know I will always compare anyone I’ll ever be with to him.