Chapter 33 #2
I glanced behind me once more, finding Graham and Eliza going together into the dining room. I would have liked to hear their conversation, but it was not right to eavesdrop on them. I would simply have to wait for Graham to tell me himself.
The stars were out and the moon was bright. The light of it streamed through my open window. Mr. Ashby helped me onto my bed and took a few steps back. We looked at each other briefly, then glanced away. He either wasn’t sure what to say, or he wondered whether he should say what he was thinking.
Either way, neither of us spoke for some time.
“I suppose this is…goodbye,” he said quietly. I met his gaze and was taken aback by the intensity I found there.
“Speak your mind,” I prodded.
He shook his head. “I don’t know what you want to hear.”
I laughed lightly, looking down. “I didn’t ask you to tell me what I wanted to hear. I’m wondering what you are thinking.”
“I just…I can’t believe him.” He began pacing, hands on his hips.
“My father?”
“No. Graham. The man has loved you for his whole life. I could understand his hesitation to leave if he hadn’t regained his memory…
but Elsie, he spent years talking about you and reading your letters to me, dreaming about the day he would go back to Scotland and marry you.
He can’t do this. He cannot abandon you, not again. ”
“It’s funny…” I said, still watching him pace.
He stopped and looked at me. “What is?”
I tried to understand my own feelings. “You are more upset about this than I am.” I stood, walking closer to him.
“Don’t misunderstand. I am heartbroken.” I sighed heavily.
There were far too many things to explain, but I tried.
“When I read his letter, I was angry. While traveling here, I worried about him and missed him dreadfully. When we reunited, I was devastated that he didn’t remember me.
When he regained his memories, I was overjoyed and thought everything would return to its rightful place.
Now, I’m seeing that may not happen. I am aggrieved, certainly.
But…I am no longer angry.” I was standing directly in front of him, staring into his blue eyes.
“I think if he chooses to stay, I will cry. I will mourn. I may feel as if this journey was fruitless. But I won’t blame him. Not this time.”
Mr. Ashby studied my face, his gaze roving from my eyes to my brows, to my mouth and back up to my eyes. He must have seen my sincerity. There was a spark of something hopeful in his eyes. I watched it begin to glow as he asked, “Do you…still love him?”
His question squeezed my heart because it had me questioning my integrity, the very core of my being.
The flame of hope in his eyes made me wish I could say what he wanted to hear.
I felt unsteady. “Yes. Of course I do.” His eyes went dim.
The sight caused innumerable emotions to course through me.
Then a truth I had yet to come to terms with seemed to rise to the surface.
And I let it out like a breath I’d been holding. “But…not as I used to.”
There. The light appeared in his eyes again.
He swallowed and turned away. “This is something you need to discuss with Graham. I shouldn’t be asking you these questions. It’s not my place.”
“Perhaps not.” I wasn’t sure what I meant. Did I agree with him? Or perhaps he was wrong, and it was his place? I let the sentence hang there, the meaning debating inside of me.
He stood still for five beats of my heart, as if he, too, were debating something.
Suddenly he stepped close to me. So close I could see his pupils growing larger in the dim lighting.
He blinked and his golden eyelashes brushed his cheeks.
I marveled at how handsome he seemed to me now, when only a few months ago he’d seemed ordinary.
He looked into my eyes with desperate seriousness, and I could barely breathe at the depth of care he put into his next words.
“Elsie, there aren’t enough ways to tell you what your friendship means to me.
And to say I will miss you does not convey the emptiness I will feel without you.
” He reached out a trembling hand and brushed a lock of hair behind my ear.
Shivers covered my body at that small and delicate touch.
His gaze dipped to my lips and his voice wavered, as if he were holding back tears.
“But it seems missing you will be my lifelong affliction.”
I stood still, taking in every word and every emotion that passed over his features. I felt everything he meant. Arthur Ashby loved me.
“I will miss you, too.” A vision of our kiss passed through my mind.
Tingles began on my skin as the memory of each touch rushed across it.
My lips parted, wishing to meet with his and reignite that passion we’d shared the first day we came to the island.
That mistake that suddenly didn’t seem like a mistake.
Or perhaps not so suddenly. How long had I yearned for Mr. Ashby?
We both pulled back at the same time, not wanting to cause more confusion at such an inopportune moment. The moment of our farewell. He took in a breath and let it out in a puff.
“I will go find Miss Patrice for you. She will need to get ready to leave as well.” He bowed stiffly and left my room, closing the door behind him.
This longing within me, it was wonderful, and yet it congealed in my stomach like soured milk.
I sat down. The reason for the distasteful feeling was twofold: first, I felt disloyal to myself and to Graham; and second, I feared I had been lying to myself about my feelings for longer than a few weeks.
What if my true reason for coming to find Graham had been to convince myself that I still loved him?
What if all those memories we shared, while not invented, had been glorified in order to remain constant?
It wasn’t as if these thoughts hadn’t occurred to me over the past three years.
I’d been miserable waiting for Graham. Despite that, I clung to any and all memories we had together, especially the words he’d spoken to me before he left.
He’d so sweetly assured me of his love. It was heavenly, to be loved in return.
But he was my first love, and I knew nothing outside of Edleroy. I had loved my childhood, and he had been a large part of it. I wondered anew at the depth of my love for Graham Anderson and if he truly was the only man for me.