Chapter 34
Patrice came into my room nearly an hour later, which was unusual. She typically came as soon as I asked. “What kept you?” I asked her, genuinely curious. She sat next to me on the bed.
“I was at the mission. Then I ran into the baron. He seems angrier than usual.” She grimaced.
I sighed, looking away. “He has every right to be angry. And speaking with Mr. Ashby didn’t improve his mood. What did he tell you?”
“That he plans to leave in the morning with ye and Graham.” I felt her watching me, presumably to see what I thought about it.
I nodded. “Are you ready?”
She didn’t answer. When I looked at her, she suddenly avoided my gaze. “Patrice?” I touched her arm. “You’re coming home, right?”
She finally looked at me with pleading eyes. “I’ve been thinking about this for a while now. I…I think I belong here, Miss.”
My mouth hung open. She wanted to stay? The idea of leaving without her hadn’t occurred to me. I had surely been taking her for granted. I took her hands in mine. “But we’ve only been here for two weeks. You cannot tell me you prefer living here in these harsh conditions over Edleroy.”
She looked at our clasped hands. “I love Edleroy. And I love ye, Miss. But I’ve never…
felt like this in any place I’ve lived. I have purpose, friends, a cause.
Lottie is an extraordinary person, and I…
feel a close bond with her. If I’m being frank, I dinnae think I’ve ever been closer with anyone than I am with Lottie. ”
“But you barely know her.”
She shook her head. “It doesnae take years tae know some people. Yer heart knows them in minutes sometimes. Ye can also know someone for years and not know them at all.” Her words seemed to carry a deeper, more pointed meaning.
I tried not to think that far. I only focused on her situation.
She went on. “And I told ye when we landed here that I’d not go on another ship again. ” Her lips curled in a teasing smile.
Rather than smile with her, I grew more serious. “Are you certain you can live away from Scotland forever? It’s your home.”
She faced me. “Do ye want to live in Scotland forever?”
“Of course I do,” I said reflexively. I looked into her green eyes and saw my own lie. Or, if not a lie, then a denial of any doubts I had.
“Ye should go home. Yer father has come for ye. Mr. and Mrs. Findlay have a new baby. Mr. Anderson needs to see his mother. There are many reasons ye should go home. But ye need tae think again, whether ye want to live there forever, or if yer heart’s called tae be somewhere else.”
“Nonsense.” I denied all the feelings her words inspired. Hadn’t seeing my father again reminded me of how much I missed home? “Scotland is where my heart is. Plain and simple.”
“That’s that, then.” Her warm smile helped my shiver of uncertainty.
I took her hand again. “That’s that, then.”
We gazed at each other sadly for a while before I spoke again. “Thank you. For everything. You came with me, you protected me, you listened to me, you fought alongside me, you supported me. I can never repay you for your friendship. You know that, don’t you?”
She laughed. “Ye dinnae repay friendship. Ye just love.”
I hugged her tightly. She was my wise, wonderful friend. If she felt the need to stay on St. Kitts because her heart told her so, who was I to argue? For Patrice’s heart was truer than anyone else I knew.
Patrice and I talked for a long time while packing the few things I would bring on my journey home, and I felt better about leaving her in St. Kitts as she told me everything she’d been doing since our arrival.
We had not been living the same life since we landed.
She was doing more than cleaning with Lottie.
The two of them were spending time with the children at the mission, teaching them how to care for a home and themselves, and Lottie had been teaching her to read—something I’d never been able to accomplish.
She had grown close to Mrs. Weiss and Mrs. Bowers as they taught her more about their religion.
Patrice told me she was becoming a protestant, that her faith grew stronger every day.
She felt the spirit strongly at the mission and had felt more at peace than ever before.
Since the battle, she had become interested in medicine.
Mr. Ward had been teaching her slowly as they continued to care for the wounded.
She was living a full and important life on the island.
It seemed her intelligence and caring heart could truly shine here.
I was happy for her. I also envied her. It was not a mundane thing, to find true purpose.
A knock sounded and Graham called my name. I told him to come inside, and Patrice and I turned as he entered. “Miss Patrice, I heard from Mrs. Bowers that ye plan to stay here.”
“Aye, I do.” She stood, understanding that Graham had come to speak with me about a similar topic. “I’ll see ye before ye leave, Miss.” I nodded to her as she left.
Graham came inside and sat in the chair facing me. I was still sitting on the bed, feet planted on the ground. “Are ye ready to talk about this?” he asked.
I sighed, laughing a little. Nerves buzzed in my stomach, acknowledging his foreboding tone. “Since we leave in the morning, there’s no time to put it off.”
“Aye.”
Regardless of my soul-searching since my conversation with Mr. Ashby, I still clung to the hope that I was wrong. Graham and I could still work through this; true love would conquer all. His expression didn’t give me hope, however.
He rubbed his hands together and shifted in his seat.
I could tell he didn’t wish to say what he had to say.
“Ye know what I’ve been through. Ye know the relationships I’ve formed here, and ye know how important this place and these people are to me.
Ye also know how much I owe them. I would be dead without Mrs. Bowers, Nate, and Eliza. They saved me. They gave me a home.”
I nodded. “I know. You don’t have to explain all this to me.” Please don’t say this. I’m not ready.
“I do, Elsie. I need to explain these things so ye will understand why I decided to stay. I cannae go back to Scotland. Not yet.”
It was like a punch to my gut, which was already very sensitive.
It took me a moment to recover my voice and to push down the tears that threatened.
When I was able to set aside my deep disappointment, I decided to take a different approach.
This wasn’t just about me or our promises to one another.
“What about your mother? She deserves to see you again. She’s been worried for so long. ”
He looked down. “I’ve already written to her. I’ve asked her to come here.”
Another punch to my gut; he’d never asked me to join him in the three years he was gone. I knew this situation was different, but it still hurt. “Do you think she will?”
“I cannae predict that, but I hope so. If she doesnae, then I will return. But I cannae leave until the estate is rebuilt. I willnae.” His eyes pleaded with me, apologized to me.
“I ken that I’ve broken yer trust. I’ve been an eejit over all of this.
I’ve mucked it up. But I meant what I said in the letter. Ye deserve better than me.”
“I don’t want anyone better than you.” I denied his words, no matter how much I understood them. No matter how much I was starting to agree with him...
His expression turned more patient and sympathetic. “Do ye remember what I said, that I remember ye as ye were before I lost my memory and I remember ye as a stranger?”
“What of it?” My question was harsher than I meant it. He didn’t seem to take offense, however.
“Those two women are the same, in essentials. But yer more yerself now than ye ever were. Waiting for me didn’t suit ye, and I’m proud of you for taking charge of yer life. Ye’ve grown, Elsie. And so have I. The problem is that we’ve grown…apart.”
I shook my head more decidedly than I felt. “We grew while we were apart. That’s different. Growing as people doesn’t change our love for one another.”
“My love has changed.”
I stared at him, disbelieving. “How?”
“Perhaps if we had married and grown together, we would still be right for one another. But I came to realize that I loved ye with a young man’s heart. The love I feel for ye cannae weather a storm. It cannae cross oceans. It willnae sustain me when all hope is lost.”
“You’re speaking in riddles, Graham.” My heart was breaking, and yet beating fiercely as it felt the meaning of his confessions. This is the truth, it seemed to say.
“I gave up on us when things got too hard for me. Don’ ye see?
” He raised his eyebrows to emphasize his words.
“Yer my first love, Elsie Findlay. Ye taught me to love, to recognize love. It’s because of ye that I was able to find love again in my darkest hour.
” He took my hand. “Please dinnae hate me for saying this. But I think if ye look inside yer heart, ye will discover I’m not the one who makes ye feel most alive. ”
Love awakens you, I’d once told Melody. I’d said it to Graham as well, back then.
He’d agreed that love awakens our hearts and makes us feel truly alive.
My stubborn mind still wouldn’t accept that he wasn’t my true love.
It battled against my changing heart. Tears fell and I wiped them away.
“You can believe what you want, but don’t try to tell me how I feel. ”
“I’m sorry.” The sincerity in those two words and the tears in his eyes told me that he was apologizing for everything: for falling out of love with me, for ending our engagement through a letter, for forgetting me, for his change of heart, and for staying here.
I sniffed, then shook my head. “I wish I could forgive you easily. But it will take some time.”
He nodded his understanding. “I’ll not blame ye if ye never forgive me.”
I wiped another tear from my cheek. I thought about him and Eliza going into the dining room earlier and knew he must have spoken to her about this already.
Hadn’t he just admitted his love for her?
“You have many reasons to stay, I know. But it seems to me like you have one main reason. You said you found love in your darkest hour. Have you confessed this to Eliza?”
He looked down, as if he didn’t want to see my reaction to his words. “I told her I regained my memory and that I’ve chosen to stay. But confessing my feelings for her…it’s not the right time.”
“It’s always the right time to tell someone you love them,” I said. I immediately regretted it. What did I know, truly know, about affairs of the heart? Mine was so twisted with uncertainty that I could barely think straight.
“Yer wise, as always.” His smile was sad. “Write to me when you arrive home. I want to know how ye are. I want to hear about yer family, how Cam and Melody are doing. Just because we’re no longer engaged doesnae mean I dinnae care about ye. Ye will always be dear to me, Elsie.”
He stood, taking my hands to pull me to my feet as well.
He wrapped his arms around me, holding me tightly for several long moments.
I sighed into him, memorizing the comfort and smell of him.
Cedar and smoke, warmth and musk. My Graham.
The man I’d loved my entire life. Now the man who used to love me, who would become only a memory of first love.
I hugged him back until he let go and stepped away.
“I’ll let ye get some rest. We’ll say farewell in the morning.”
He left the room and I fell onto my bed, wincing at the movement. My wound still ached, though it was healing. I pretended my tears were due to the hole in my stomach, though it went much deeper than that. I held my midsection and cried for a long time, only one question running through my mind.
How long did it take for a wound to fully heal?