Track 22
‘I MISS YOU’ (STEVIE NICKS)
Flying business class wasn’t something Lily had ever done before.
In fact, for someone who had flown a lot for both work and pleasure, flying was something she really didn’t enjoy.
It was simply a means to an end. She’d been happy to allocate her saved airmiles to Eve when they had planned Adam’s surprise a year earlier because she hadn’t been planning to use them herself now that her job with BBC Scotland kept her mostly at home.
Her last trip to New York had been a stand-in job, after all, but she had agreed for the experience and networking.
The adjacent cubicles she and Adam were occupying were so comfortable that even Lily was feeling relaxed.
The champagne had helped, obviously, and the fact most people were sleeping or watching movies on their built-in screens added to the peaceful ambience of the flight.
They’d eaten food with proper silver service and had had their glasses topped up frequently.
Now, she sat in her complimentary pyjamas under her blanket, contemplating sleep.
But when she glanced over to Adam, she noticed he was staring into space, his expression filled with sadness.
‘Are you okay, Adders?’ Lily whispered, conscious not to disturb anyone in neighbouring seats.
Adam turned to her. ‘Sorry?’
‘I just asked if you were okay. You’ve been quiet since we left the hotel, that’s all.’
He smiled but it was fleeting. ‘Yeah. I think this was always going to be difficult for me. I took the time to say goodbye while I was out yesterday. But coming home feels like I’m leaving her there… you know?’
Lily stretched across, reached and squeezed his hand. ‘I know.’
‘I just… I suppose I know that a year isn’t such a long time and I’m wondering if maybe it’s too soon.’
‘Too soon for what?’
‘Too soon to let her go, Lil.’
‘Adam, I can’t imagine how hard losing her was for you.
I know how hard it was for me but… She was your wife, so it must have been a hundred times harder.
And no one is expecting you to forget her.
Far from it. But you’re young. You can’t live in the past forever.
Maybe it’s time to look forward now. I’m not saying jump into a relationship with the first woman that comes your way.
And I’m not even suggesting you start dating but at least give yourself the chance to be open to meeting someone, eventually. You know?’
He huffed and leaned his head back. He didn’t speak for a few moments as if processing her words.
Turning to her again with a sad expression, he shrugged. ‘But she was one of a kind, Lil. And I have no clue how to meet someone else. I’ve been with Eve forever. I’m not sure what to do. And I’m not sure I actually want to do anything.’
‘You don’t have to do anything. Maybe… I don’t know, maybe you’ll just meet someone naturally someday, you know? Maybe you’ll meet someone at school.’
His brow creased. ‘At school? Are you having a laugh, Lil? I work with those women. The last thing I want to do is date one of them.’
‘It was just an idea. What about one of the students’ mums?’
He laughed, trying his best to do so quietly.
‘Er… no way, Lil. Don’t you think that would be a tad inappropriate?
I can just imagine parents’ evening. “Oh yes, Mrs Johnson, Simon is doing really great in English, but anyway, are we shagging at your house or mine tonight?” Absolutely no way.
’ He shivered as if the idea made him feel dirty.
‘Okay, yes, I get your point.’ She sat back and pondered for a while. Suddenly, she sat up and blurted out, ‘I’ve got it!’
His eyes darted around. ‘Shhh!’ he whispered, spraying her with saliva in his eagerness to quiet her. ‘People are sleeping and “I’ve got it” isn’t something you want to be announcing in the small confines of an aeroplane.’
‘Eeeuw, Adders! Ever heard the phrase “say it, don’t spray it”? I had a shower before we left, okay? I don’t need another one.’
‘Okay, sorry. What have you “got” then?’
‘Eh?’
‘You said “I’ve got it”, remember?’
‘Oh, yes, right. Okay… what about… and keep an open mind, okay? What about dating apps?’ She held out her hands as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.
Clearly, he did not agree. His face contorted into something akin to disgust. ‘Not a fecking chance.’
‘Come on, Adders! It makes sense. I can help you set up a profile if you like, you know, when you’re ready.’
‘Nope.’ He folded his arms, leaned his head back, and closed his eyes. ‘I’ll never be ready to do that.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because, and I don’t mean this to be offensive in any way, but I always imagine those things to be filled with desperate people who can’t find someone anywhere else and have resorted to the last-chance saloon, that’s why not.’
Lily huffed. ‘That is very offensive. And actually, that’s where you’re wrong. I know several colleagues who met their partners that way.’
Evidently, Adam was not prepared to budge. ‘Don’t believe you.’
‘Okay… Hannah, one of the editors at the channel. She spends so much time at work that she has no time to go out. She signed up two years ago and met Graham. He’s a really nice guy and they hit it off. They’re getting married next year.’
‘Ha… then he’ll murder her and chop her up into little pieces and eat her remains or something.’
She shook her head at him and pulled her face into a look of incredulity. ‘Don’t be so bloody melodramatic.’
He peeped out from his half-closed eyelids. ‘Well, anyway, I’m not doing it.’
She persisted. ‘Jeff in the weather room… He met Sonya through Tinder and they’re expecting their first child.’
‘Then he’ll announce he’s gay and it’s all been a cover-up.’
Ever determined to convince him, she continued. ‘Stefano in the finances department—’
Adam snorted. ‘Green card.’
‘Clara and Phil, married three years.’
Adam opened his eyes and turned to face her. ‘If it’s so amazing where’s your bloody profile, eh? Where are all the guys you’ve met on these bloody apps?’
He had a very valid point. ‘I haven’t been with the same person since I was at uni. My situation is completely different.’
He sighed and rubbed his hands roughly over his face. ‘Look, Lil, I don’t think I’m ready. In fact, I’m not sure I ever will be. And who would want me anyway? I’m just a widowed high-school teacher with a hatchback, not some drop-dead-gorgeous billionaire bad boy who drives a Lamborghini.’
‘I can assure you, Adam, there is a woman out there who would kill for you. Who would love to be the one in your arms.’ If only you knew you were looking right at her.
He scoffed. ‘Says the woman who calls me Pee Pants.’
She smiled. ‘I mean it affectionately.’
He fixed her with a determined gaze. ‘Lily, I am not, and I repeat, I. Am. Not. Signing. Up. For. Dating. Apps.’ He delivered the words slowly and clearly.
She was the one to get huffy now and turned in her seat so that she faced the window. ‘Whatever, I was just trying to help.’
‘Yeah, I know, but just… I don’t know… don’t, okay? Not yet.’ He turned his face away and pulled his blanket right up to his chin. The conversation was clearly over.
Lily couldn’t get to sleep. Guilt niggled at her mind.
Why the hell was she trying to force him into moving on?
She didn’t want to see him with yet another woman that wasn’t her.
But she did want him to be happy and currently he was anything but.
So, she would help him in any way she could.
Even if that meant pushing him into another woman’s arms. If it meant he smiled again it would be worth it.
After all, he didn’t want her. That much was crystal clear.
Sadness washed over her. No, he definitely doesn’t see me that way. He simply never has.
She just had to come up with a plan to make him happy again.
But she would have to be devious. Very devious.
Make him think it was his idea. Yes, that would work, wouldn’t it?
He was a stubborn swine, that one thing was certain.
She would leave it a while. And then she would begin her mission to make him happy again.
When she arrived home mid-afternoon UK time, Lily’s mind was exhausted.
She simply hadn’t been able to switch off after her conversation with Adam about dating.
Was she really that self-destructive that she would rather see him dating someone again to see him smile?
She realised that yes, she did in fact love him that much and it made her chest hurt.
He had offered her the spare room at his house, but she had declined, knowing she needed her own bed and her own surroundings in which she could wallow and get the tears out of her system.
And as soon as she had changed into her own pyjamas she flopped into bed, alone, and sobbed into her pillow until she drifted off to sleep.
She awoke abruptly when someone sat at the end of the bed near her feet. Looking up, she realised it was Adam.
She pulled herself up. ‘Bloody hell, Adders, you scared the shit out of me!’
‘Sorry, I tried to be quiet,’ was his whispered reply. His smile was weirdly flirty.
‘What’s up? What’re you doing here? I thought you’d be shattered after the flight.’
He leaned towards her. ‘I was, but I needed to see you, Lily. I have something I need to say.’
A little shocked at the way he stared at her lips, she swallowed hard and stuttered, ‘Oh? W—’ She cleared her throat. ‘I mean, what’s up?’
He stood and walked to where she sat and gazed down at her.
The look in his eyes was one she had never seen before.
It looked like… lust. What the hell? She focused on his hooded eyes, feeling more than a little confused.
He dropped to his knees and without speaking he ran his hand down her cheek and slipped his fingers into her hair.
‘Adam?’
He stopped her mouth with a deep, luscious kiss.
What the hell is going on? This was really strange behaviour.
She had no clue what was happening but was powerless to stop him.
Especially when he reached up and removed his shirt.
She lifted her hands to touch his sculpted abs, and they trembled under her touch.
He closed his eyes briefly, and when they opened, he bent again to kiss her.
His hand began to slip lower… lower… lower until she arched her back and closed her eyes as he slipped off her pyjama bottoms. The feeling of his fingertips on her skin was like nothing she had ever experienced, and she couldn’t help the whimper that escaped.
Somewhere she could hear music playing. It was very distracting and she tried to ignore it and focus on Adam’s mouth. But the room distorted and the music got louder. She wanted to scream at whoever was playing it to turn it down, for heaven’s sake! But still it got louder… louder… louder.
Suddenly, she sat bolt upright. Shit. The room was dark apart from the glowing of her phone screen on her bedside table. She reached for it, a mix of anger and devastation as she realised none of it had been real.
‘Hello—?’ she answered breathlessly.
‘Good grief, Lil, what’ve you been doing? Running?’
Adam.
Heat rose in her cheeks. ‘Erm… nothing, I was just… erm… sleeping and you woke me.’
He chuckled down the line. ‘Oh yeah? Did I wake you from a cheeky dream or something?’
How the hell? ‘Don’t be ridiculous, Adders, I just had to hunt for my phone. I thought maybe it was an emergency or something and I panicked. That’s all. Good grief.’
His laugh got louder. ‘I think the lady doth protest too much,’ he replied in an annoying sing-song voice.
She huffed. ‘Okay… you got me… you and I were in the throes of passion, Adam. Is that better?’
He stopped laughing. ‘All right, stroppy cow. So you weren’t having a dirty dream. I was only jesting.’ He sounded sulky. Good grief, he’s even oblivious to the bloody truth!
She sighed in exasperation. ‘What do you want, Adders?’
‘I was just sitting here feeling bored and wondered if you fancied getting a take-away or something? We could watch that new true crime thing on Netflix maybe?’
She rubbed her eyes. ‘Yeah… okay. What time is it?’
‘It’s… erm… almost seven.’ Shit, she had been asleep hours.
‘Okay. Give me half an hour to get a shower and change. You can pick something up on the way over. I’ll have my usual.
I’ve got wine.’ And with that she hung up, threw herself back into the bed, and blew out a long breath.
Her thoughts flitted back to her dream and shivers traversed her spine.
She covered her face with her hands and fought the threatening wave of sadness. If only it had been real.