Chapter 1
Hannah
“He’s back.”
The words weren’t much more than a whisper leaving my lips and had it not been by the way her shoulders tensed, I wouldn’t have been sure Evie heard me, but she did. I knew it. She didn’t say a word, not as she sat her eight-month-old in his highchair, and not as she opened the fridge, taking out some of her home-made pureed food.
“He’s back,” I repeated as the world around me turned blurry. It wasn’t until she heard the crack in my voice that she turned around, sighing when she looked at me. She ran a hand through her long curls, her audible gulp breaking her silence.
“Who is?”
I scoffed, shaking my head and wiping away the tears that managed to escape. My hands trembled and my heart was about to beat out of my chest, but I was going to keep it together. I had to.
“Derek is back.”
A flash of guilt covered her features, but her lips quickly formed a gentle smile, one of sadness. One of relief. We had been through so much the past months--months in which Derek was off drinking. Months in which Derek had thrown away everything we had built together.
I had spent months alone, left to pick up the pieces he’d discarded so easily.
He had taken it all--our dreams, our hopes, my love, set it on fire and watched it burn to ashes. Seeing him again would send me on a spiral. I couldn’t do it again.
I had too much to lose.
My hands balled into fists, my gaze falling on the fading scars that remained on my wrist as my chest tightened. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think. He couldn’t be back. I’d made progress, I was better off as far away from him as possible because seeing him stung.
I couldn’t imagine what hearing his voice would cause.
Evie sat down next to her son, stirring the homemade apple puree he loved before speaking again. “Did he say anything to you?”
My heart dropped. There was no surprise in her tone, no shock.
“Did you know?”
She nodded, biting down on her lip briefly before continuing. “Yeah. He, uh...he dropped by last night. Says he’s been sober a couple of months. Went to rehab and well...now he’s back.”
I raged.
I fumed.
I’d played out the moment I would see him again in my head several times and every time it was different. Some full of anger and resentment and the others full of heartbreak, just like he’d left me. Never did I think those eyes would reclaim what I was sure he’d lost. Because his eyes, the way he looked at me for those brief seconds told me exactly what he thought.
You’re still mine.
Perhaps that was my fear—that those words were true.
“You should have told me,” I said, running my hands through my hair. Evie continued feeding Noah, her innocent baby oblivious to the chaos brewing around him. “Evie, why didn’t you tell me?”
“He asked me not to.”
Scoffing, I shook my head, wishing the day away. Wishing it was all nothing but a cruel nightmare. “You should have told me. I wasn’t prepared, he showed up at the gallery, didn’t say a damn word and walked away, Evie. Again.” I swallowed, hoping I could utter the words though I knew they weren’t true. “I can’t have him around. I refuse to be around him.”
A hint of anger appeared in her eyes. It was brief, but I didn’t miss it. Evie was never good at hiding her emotions, she wore them on her sleeve, for better or worse. “If you’re asking me to turn him away, I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
I allowed resentment to take the driver’s seat. Anything was better than the pain. Than the heartbreak. “Are you crazy? After all the shit he put me through? After the way he treated you while he was drunk out of his mind? We can”t have him around, Evie. Not like this.”
She pursed her lips together, the heaviness in the air suffocating me because I knew what she would say. I knew where her loyalty lay.
”I didn”t turn my back on you, Hannah. I”m not going to do it to him either.”
She took the knife, shoved it in my heart and twisted it.
”Besides...if he”s back, that means you need to tell him the truth.” She gave me a pointed look, a cruel reminder of the life I had started without Derek, on my own...with my own family.
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“You know what it means, Hannah. It’s inevitable. We’re not children—none of us are. We are grown adults that have to make adult decisions no matter how much they hurt.”
Sure I did. I knew that. Didn’t mean I liked it. I couldn’t fathom telling him the truth. I couldn’t bear the idea of seeing him every day, of hearing his voice, of him being close to me.
“What are you going to do if I don’t? Huh? Are you going to run off and tell him? Would you really do that to me?”
She knew me. She could see me building up my walls, protecting my heart from the pain and bandaging the scars that would forever remain. I wanted to shield myself away, guard my soul from any more hurt but as Evie looked at me with understanding, my armor had no option but to falter.
“I know you’re hurt. He messed up by accusing you of stealing from him and he knows that and—”
“That doesn’t matter now, though, does it?” I interrupted, ignoring the tremble in my voice. “The damage is done. None of the apologies will take away what happened, I’ve learned that the hard way.”
Evie stood up, placing a kiss on her son’s head before walking up to me. She was tired—I could see it in her eyes now, as she approached me, placing her hands on my shoulders. She was a strong woman, but her heart was soft, tender.
Everything I never wanted mine to be.
Being soft left room for ache, for betrayal, that’s the one lesson my mom hadn’t been wrong about.
I didn’t want her to speak, not anymore because I knew her words full of truth would hurt.
“You’re a mom now, Hannah, and it’s the most beautiful thing in the world, but it’s also the hardest. As moms we sacrifice our pride, we carry the load and push through the pain and bitterness to give our kids a better life. You know what is best for you, but it’s not only you anymore, is it?”
I looked away from her, fighting the fucking tears.
“I know it’s hard, but you know what you need to do. You don’t have to do it today or tomorrow, but you need to tell him that he’s a dad. You need to tell him the truth. I won’t, no one else will, but we also won’t hide it from him if he finds out.”
She placed a kiss on my cheek, picking her baby up and walking away with no other word.
A storm brewed ahead, and I wasn’t sure if my walls would be strong enough to hold up.
***
Life changed.
In every aspect, in every sense, my life was completely different. There was nothing about it that remained the same—I didn’t even live with Evie anymore. I stared at the boxes stacked against the wall hoping they’d somehow come to life and organize themselves, but no such luck. I didn’t seem to have it lately. It was a small house. Enough distance from the city that I didn’t have to hear the traffic all night, but close enough to where I didn’t have to rush to work every day.
It wasn’t everything I wanted...but it was enough.
For now.
I kept stumbling over that thought, because everything was temporary, right?
I’d figure out whatever the hell I was doing soon enough. I had to. Not just for my family’s sake, but for mine as well. I’d lost myself in the anger and resentment so much that I didn’t even recognize myself anymore. I didn’t know who I was, or who I wanted to be.
All I knew was that I wanted to be good mother...good enough to not fuck up an innocent’s life like my mother had done to me.
My eyes fluttered closed and I laid back on the sofa, letting the static sound of the baby monitor surround me, maybe lull me to sleep. Instead, all I heard was his voice. His words.
Our truth.
You’re mine.
And it wasn’t just my imagination, it was a memory.
The way he made me his, taking everything from me and giving me just as much in return. The way he kissed away the past, making me feel alive, making me feel protected. Wanted.
His.
The memory of his eyes piercing through my soul as he would push into me, the feeling on his lips on me, breathing me in, tasting me as if he couldn’t get enough of me. My body came to life at the thought, and I opened my eyes, instead focusing my attention on the ceiling.
How could I erase his touch from my body?
How could I erase his burning trail of kisses and the fire they’d left behind?
How the hell was I supposed to pretend it never happened when the evidence of our past slept in the room next to me?
Because every broken piece of me fit perfectly with a broken piece of his. Biting down on my lip, I sat down once again, burying my face in my hands with the wish we could fast forward through this part and get to the happiness because it was difficult to see it now. The light at the end of the tunnel was nowhere to be found.
I had to tell him, but not yet. I wasn’t ready, not that I ever would be. When the time came, though, I would make sure my walls were firm, that they had a strong foundation, strong enough to withstand the storm that came with him.
There was a quiet knock on the door and though it was past midnight, I already knew who it was. Blake stood there, holding a bottle of wine and two bags of chips in his hands. I swallowed thickly, hoping I could keep it together in front of my friend, the one who’d stood beside me throughout my pregnancy, the one who held my hand as they rushed me to an emergency C-section. But as he opened his arms to me, I could do nothing but fall into his embrace, ignoring the cold of the night as he held me tight. Comforting.
“Thank you,” I whispered. “You always show up when I need you.”
He pulled away, wiping away a tear before offering me a small smile. His blue eyes were conflicted, pained. He knew how much this hurt. After all, he’d watched me cry time and time again over him.
“C’mon. I believe you have a lot to tell me.”