Chapter 6
Hannah
It was Nathan’s turn to close the gallery, and yet there I was, sitting in the chair and staring up at the ceiling fan, as if the answers to my...situation, would drop from the sky. Or the ceiling. Whichever. I just needed answers. Solutions. I wished I didn’t care, but that wasn’t possible for me. Usually work would be my distraction but this time, there was nothing that could tear my mind from the life I was now living.
For a moment I envied my mother. She never cared. She was detached from her emotions, from us for that matter, so I didn’t think she ever felt this type of pain. She never wondered if she was hurting us.
I couldn’t do that to them. My girls were innocent in all of this...and despite how much Derek had hurt me, I couldn’t keep him away from his daughters. He loved them. I knew he did.
The door of the office opened quietly, the chatter from the display area filling the room temporarily. I didn’t look at him to know that he was there, but when Nathan didn’t speak, curiosity got the best of me.
Nathan leaned against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest. I knew what he wanted to say, and he wasn’t one to mince his words so I braced myself for the shots he would take.
“Just spit it out already,” I muttered, shutting my laptop.
Nathan sighed. “Have you talked to him since?”
“Talked to who?”
Another exasperated sigh left his lips.
“Derek. The father of your children. The person you’re avoiding. The person you say you hate but—”
I raised my hand, stopping him.
“Well, you’re acting like you don’t know so I was trying to make it clear who I was referring to.”
“No. I haven’t talked to him.”
Nathan nodded. He didn’t need me to answer the question, he already knew.
It had been seven days. Seven days since Derek found out Annie and Isa existed. Seven days since I had last seen him.
Seven days that he’d shown up to see them.
I avoided him like the plague, letting him see them at Evie’s or Deborah’s, but not while I was around. Just the picture that Evie had sent me with him carrying them for the first time was enough to claw at my insides.
Seven days since I’d last heard his voice.
“When are you planning on discussing your...arrangement? He can’t keep going to my house to see the girls just because you’re angry.”
“If it bothers you, I’ll figure something out.”
Nathan raised his hands, waving a white flag. He wasn’t there to fight...but that was my only reaction lately. I could almost see him reconsidering this conversation. There was a small tug at my heart. He was my friend after all.
“You know...the opposite of love isn’t hate. It’s indifference. If you didn’t feel anything...nothing at all for him, then maybe we’d all believe this little act you have going on. But we all know you better. It’s your own fault really. You let us in. You let everyone get to know the real you...the one you kept hidden for years so this,” he gestured toward me, waving off whatever act I had going on, “we all know this is fake. It’s pain. Resentment. It’s fear. You’re not fooling anyone.”
“I’m not trying to fool anyone.”
Nathan shrugged. “Only yourself. We all see through you, and I can guarantee, Derek does, too.”
I stood up, walking past him and to the coat rack, pulling it on and tying it around my body. He didn’t say a thing, watching me silently as I prepared to leave. If that’s what he wanted, he was getting it. I didn’t want to listen to reason, and Nathan, he was the epitome of it.
“He’s not going to push, you know that, right? He’s giving you space. He thinks that’s what you want.”
“It is what I want.”
He sighed, looking out the window to the night sky. “Those girls...I know you love them. But they will grow up one day. And I don’t mean when they’re adults. I mean when they are four or five...they’ll sense things. Children are smart. Intuitive. They’ll know something is wrong when their mom can’t be in the same room as their father.”
I didn’t miss the accusation in his tone.
He was right after all...it wouldn’t be for Derek’s lack of trying. I bit down on my lip, waiting for him to continue. He didn’t mean harm, but it didn’t mean the words didn’t hurt.
Maybe I am turning into my mother after all.
“You and Derek are a fucking mess, Hannah. You have more drama than Evie and I ever did and none of us can ever begin to understand what it’s been like to walk in your shoes. I sure as hell don’t and maybe I’m out of line, but I say this because I want the best for you. You’re family after all. I want to see you happy.”
“How am I supposed to do that? Hm?” I turned around, meeting his gray eyes. Sincerity poured out of every single word. “How am I supposed to be happy when my life is falling apart. It took me a long time to get back on my feet and now my foundation is cracking. How the hell do I do it?”
He thought about it. I could tell he was thinking about it hard. He didn’t know the answer to my question...no one did. No one could tell me how to do it, and yet he stood there, actually trying to think of something to say. And I waited. I waited because anything was better than the hell I was living in.
Nathan nodded once, with a quiet sigh...as if agreeing with himself.
“You take the olive branch offered.” Approaching me, he placed his hands on my shoulders, eyes set on mine with a sad smile on his face. “You take the olive branch and hope for the best.”
Simple.
So goddamn simple, yet so painful.
“It’s not that easy,” I whispered.
“I know. Forgiving isn’t easy. Trusting isn’t easy. None of it is. But you’re living a shell of a life, guarding yourself all the time. That’s not life. You’re supposed to cry, supposed to be angry. You’re supposed to fall, then dust yourself off and get back up again. You’re strong, Hannah. You can do it.”
I swallowed thickly. “I feel like I stepped into quicksand and I’m drowning, with nothing to hold on to.”
“Then take the fucking olive branch.”
I laughed softly and he gave me a gentle hug, one of the rare ones between us.
Funny, how we spent years married barely able to utter a word to each other and yet there he was, giving me the advice no one else dared to.
“I’m scared, Nathan. I can’t handle another heartbreak and Evie—”
“Don’t worry about Evie,” he interrupted. “Yes, Evie will be affected but this isn’t about her. It’s about you, your girls. We’re worried about you. We don’t want to lose the person that we know you are. Do it for you. Do it for your own sanity, because this...this isn’t living.”
He squeezed my arm before walking to his desk, sitting on the chair before looking back up at me. He nodded toward the door, the silent command telling me it was time to go home. I did, knowing that the only thing that would make me feel any better would be to have my girls in my arms.
***
The body can respond to threats in three different ways: fight, flight or freeze.
As I saw Derek’s car parked in Evie’s driveway, mine got stuck on freeze. I didn’t want to move, didn’t want to breathe, not if that meant seeing him. I’d done well keeping my distance from him, but Nathan was right.
I couldn’t do this forever.
Memories flashed through my mind; the memory of his touch, of his kisses, of his sweet words as he made love to me. Closing my eyes, I leaned my head against the seat, waiting for the nerves to subside before I could step out of the car. When I was able to move, I held my coat tight around my body as if it had the power to hold me together. I entered the house quietly, the sound of Derek’s voice forcing me to still. He laughed softly and one of the girls cooed while the other one squealed, the sound making the butterflies in my stomach take flight.
I watched him with the girls, both of them staring up at him as they laid on the sofa in front of him. He kissed their little feet, then their bellies, blowing raspberries on them and they squealed again.
I couldn”t move, holding on to the memory, just like the many others I seemed to keep.
Derek looked up, his gaze finding mine from across the room, his eyebrows raising when he saw me just...standing there. I cleared my throat, running my hands over my arms...hoping he would break the silence.
I sure as hell couldn”t, not with the lump in my throat.
”You”re early.”
I swallowed, nodding before approaching them. ”Yeah...uh...Boss”s orders.”
He hummed, eyes set on me as I knelt next to the sofa, my own set on my girls. Their onesies barely fit anymore, a reminder of how fast time was passing, slipping right through my fingers.
”They just ate. Evie is in bed already. I told her I”d wait until you got home.”
I wanted to thank him. I wanted to say a lot but instead I picked up Annie, cuddling her as she squirmed in my arms. Little Isa”s hand took hold of my finger and I smiled, allowing their love to flow through me.
There wasn”t a thing I wouldn”t do for them.
I”d walk through flames for them and once I was on the other side, if necessary, I would do it again. Derek stood up, getting their diaper bag ready, as if he”d been doing this since they were born. It was like he was wrapping a hand around my throat and squeezing.
Seeing him as a dad, at ease...it reminded me of everything we couldn”t have. He took Isa in his arms, setting her in the car seat and wordlessly, took Annie from me and did the same.
All I could do was watch.
And dream.
Dream of a life in which this wasn”t temporary.
He helped me set the girls in the car, saying his goodbyes with a small kiss while I waited...and waited.
I looked down at the ground, my mind racing. It was hard. Hard to be around him...hard to force myself to hate him because the truth was...I didn”t.
I can”t.
”Evie’s having a family brunch tomorrow. Will you be there?”
My head snapped up at his voice, words failing me as he arched a perfect brow. He shoved his hands in his jeans, waiting.
”Uh...yeah. Yeah, I”ll be there.”
He nodded. Derek wanted to say more, I could tell.
I wanted him to.
Minutes passed, in which neither of us spoke. There was a heaviness in the air surrounding us, making it hard for me to breathe until he sighed, running a hand over his face.
”I”m trying, Hannah.”
Three words.
Out of everything he could have said, those were the words he chose. I could have fought it, could have told him it was too little too late but Nathan”s words echoed in my head and I couldn”t ignore them.
Take the fucking olive branch.
”I know.”
A flicker of surprise crossed his face, but he didn”t say anything else.
I climbed into my car, watching as he stepped back, his eyes still on me.
”I”ll see you tomorrow, Derek.”