Chapter 7
Derek
“Are you sure this isn’t going to get me strangled or something?”
Lisa was joking but I wasn’t sure if either of us would make it out alive. I told Evie I wanted to bring Lisa to brunch, and she reluctantly agreed. If she died, however, it wouldn’t be at the hands of Evie. It would be Hannah.
I could feel everyone’s eyes on us as soon as we stepped foot in the backyard. The lively chatter died down as Evie approached us with an honest smile on her face. She wrapped her arms around me, whispering how happy she was that I could make it, then hugged Lisa, a small smile on her face. One of understanding.
“Blake is here too?” I heard the shock in her voice, the sadness, but all I offered was a nod.
“Let’s go meet the girls.”
Hannah sat off to the side, next to a tree with the girls by her side. She was thoughtful, quiet...and it wasn’t because there was no one else with her. Her eyes were distant. She was there, yeah...but her mind was long gone.
“Hey,” I said. She looked up at me, startled, then at Lisa.
A flash of anger crossed her face, shooting daggers out of her eyes to Lisa but didn’t say anything. Not a word. Lisa grimaced, pulling on my arm to get the hell out of there but I didn’t budge. We would be in each other”s lives for the next eighteen years, at least. We’d have to figure it out.
“Do you mind?”
She wanted to refuse. But instead, she gestured toward their stroller. Her eyes remained on us as I pushed the stroller, still within her view, but far enough where she couldn’t hear our conversation. We took a baby each and Lisa smiled, her eyes alight with love for the girls that she had just met.
She would be a wonderful aunt.
Between Evie and her, those girls would be spoiled rotten.
“They’re adorable. They look just like you.”
I didn’t think so. Perhaps they had my eyes but everything else? It was all Hannah. Their smile lit up the room, their innocence lightened the load off my shoulders, off hers. I could see it in the way she now sat on the grass, picking at it, trying her best not to look in our direction. She was tense. Blake approached her, sitting next to her and as soon as he did, she rested her head on his shoulder.
ThatI couldn’t see.
“I was wrong, you know? Accusing her. I should have waited. I should have looked for more information before placing the blame on anyone, much less her. It’s cost you a lot.”
We all held blame in this. None of us were innocent.
“What’s done, is done. There’s no point in dwelling on it now.”
Lisa hummed. “Maybe not. But there’s a lot to lose, and I don’t want you to.”
We sat talking, the conversation turning casual as we talked about everything except the situation at hand. After a while, Lisa excused herself, running off to play with Lily. I fed Annie and Isa, watched them as they dozed off, watching how the rest of the family filled the air with their lively chatter. Blake ran a hand down Hannah’s arm, and though the action made my blood boil, part of me accepted it.
She deserved someone who would help her fight her demons, not add to them.
“Want a drink?” Carter sat down beside me with a beer in one hand, a water bottle in the other. His eyes followed my gaze and he chuckled, shaking his head.
“Do I want it? Yes. Am I going to take it? No.”
“Attaboy,” he said, patting my back. “How are you holding up?”
I shrugged, turning my attention back to my daughters. “As well as I can be.”
Carter nodded. I had vague memories of him showing up every now and then during my relapse, bringing me food. Hell, I think he once cleaned up the mess around my apartment while I passed out on the floor. When I woke up, he was there, eating pizza. He’d offered some to me without saying a word, eating in silence. There was no judgment, no attempt to get me sober. Only a quiet meal.
“She’s comfortable with that boy,” Carter said, pointing his beer toward Blake and Hannah. They were looking at something on his phone now, and she smiled, though it didn’t meet her eyes. “He’s there for her, always. No hesitation. He’s a good friend, but there’s nothing more.”
I scoffed. “She has all the right to move on.”
“Hm. She does. It doesn’t mean she wants to.”
I didn’t say anything to that.
“Anyways...she’s comfortable with him. It takes a lot to get her to that point. Her mother...well...Evie didn’t have a loving mother, but Hannah never had the chance. She was caught in her grip from the start, always hoping she could earn some of the love that is supposed to be unconditional. Her mom stripped her of who she was and it’s taken her a lot of effort to get it back. I don’t think she’s fully there yet.”
He was right. Hannah always struggled. I knew it the moment I met her—her demons reflected my own. She doubted her instincts because she was forced to follow her mothers.
“You met her as an adult, but you didn’t see how Elizabeth tore her down as a child.” Carter took another sip of his drink, his mind on the distant memory. “When they adopted Evie...well, Hannah loved her. She always has. I think it’s always been hard for her to show it though. She’d learned to look out for herself, to do as her mother pleased. Her mom never physically hurt her but man...did she say things that stuck with her. Your childhood was no better, I’m aware. I’m just telling you, hers wasn’t either.”
My mother expects the world from me but gives me nothing in return.
She’d said that once, during our affair. She’d never elaborated. She’d said it one night in my arms, as she struggled to fall asleep.
Stay with me. I’ll give it to you.
“It was a shitty situation.” Carter sighed, running a hand through his gray hair. “We could do nothing but watch...and wait.”
“Wait?”
“It got to the point where it was Hannah calling the shots. We knew it would be her demise, and it was...but we knew she’d come around. We knew eventually, she would find herself again. You had a big part of it.”
I laughed, humorlessly. “I wouldn’t say that. Look where my fucked up issues got her.”
“Many things happened during your relapse but, her scars didn’t start with you.”
My eyes narrowed. “What do you mean?”
Carter stood up with a shrug, his hand squeezing my shoulder. “You’ll understand one day.”
***
The day soon turned into early evening. It was cold enough that the kids were all inside now, including Annie and Isa, who napped in the playpen Hannah kept at Evie’s house. Nathan’s parents helped clean up and Hannah...she stayed by herself, like she had done most of the day. With Lisa and Blake gone, there was no one else to keep us from talking to each other, though I knew she wouldn’t be the one to take the initiative.
She laid on a blanket, her arms underneath her head and her eyes fixed on the sunset. I hesitated...but only for a moment. There were still many things to say.
Our life was a never ending confession reel.
Hannah stiffened when she saw me standing over her, but soon focused her eyes on the sunset once again.
I couldn”t help it.
My eyes were glued on her.
She was beautiful. Intoxicating.
The woman had more power over me than anyone else. I sat next to her, watching her throat move as she swallowed...watching as she searched for words to begin the conversation.
”I saw you after your relapse at a bar with Cat. You two seemed friendly.”
There was no accusation in her tone, no anger. Her voice was devoid of all emotions, stating facts like at the time she hadn”t felt a damn thing.
I remembered that day.
Cat had bought me my first drink.
I spent the night ordering more until Nathan showed up and dragged me out.
”That night I decided I wouldn”t dwell on us anymore. Two days later, my period was late, and I found out I was pregnant.” She scoffed, shaking her head. The anger seeped in. ”I told Evie and Nathan...she wanted to go with me to tell you but...well...we know how that went.”
She bit the inside of her cheek, her brows furrowing as she continued, her voice soft. Quiet. ”Everyone tells me to just accept that you”re back. To let you back into my life. It”s not that easy.”
My lips tilted up slightly. ”It”s not...but they don”t know that. They haven”t been through what we”ve been through. Sometimes people forget what it”s like to be angry at the world for dealing you such shitty cards.”
She looked up at me then, her eyes wide, giving me a glimpse of something I thought I”d never see again.
Longing.
I understood her.
It was always like that with us. We understood each other—the darkness, the anger. We didn”t question it.
”This is how you must have felt when I showed up at your restaurant after what I did to you.”
”It is. I was furious.”
”I see why now. It”s a terrible feeling.”
”Yeah...but there were no kids involved then.”
”Touche.”
Hannah sat up then, propping up her body with her arms and stretched out her legs. She was close enough that I could feel the heat radiating from her body, but neither of us moved. Neither of us spoke.
The silence wasn”t strained.
I could practically see the wheels in her head turning, thinking.
Overthinking.
I wanted to pull her into my arms and tell her to stop...but that would mean to push her more, and that was the last thing I wanted to do.
”I don”t want you around, Derek. You have no idea everything I”ve been through these last months. The battles I”ve had to fight. I know...I know you”ve been through a lot too but I just...I can”t.”
Her voice cracked at the end, her resolve quickly faltering. I ached to hold her.
Fuck.
Every fucking cell in my body wanted to promise her it would be okay, but I couldn’t lie to her. It wouldn”t be, at least not for a long time. Her trembling hands wiped away tears that threatened to fall and all I could do was look at her.
”But I know I can”t do that to Annie and Isa.” She sniffled, shaking her head. ”I refuse to hurt them and you”re their father...” She swallowed, as if the admission was a hard one to say out loud. It stung, but my mouth was shut, letting her say her piece. It was the least she deserved. ”I won”t deny them what we didn”t have. They deserve two parents that love them, and God help me, I know you do. I know you”d never hurt them. Right? You would never walk out on them?”
”Never.”
I couldn’t promise much else. I couldn’t promise I”d be a perfect father because I was a shitty man, but I could promise that I would be there for them. That they would have what Hannah and I didn”t—a loving family.
Maybe not in the traditional sense...but we”d both be there.
”You can see them whenever you want...and I don”t mean just here. You can go to my house, take them to your place...whatever you want. Just please...please stay sober. I can”t...I...”
I nodded in understanding. She didn”t have to say it.
I knew what she meant.
I can”t have you around if you relapse.
I wouldn”t want them to see me either.
She was trying. For their sake, Hannah was setting aside her anger, her resentment, for our daughters to have a better chance at life than we did. I”d be a damned fool if I didn”t take the chance she offered me.
Even more if I failed her.
I wouldn’t.
Not again.