Chapter 8
Hannah
I never pictured myself as the diaper changing type. Never really was, until I met Lily. My beautiful niece had ignited a need for a family in me that I’d never felt before, and seeing Derek with her, well...that had driven my hormones crazy. I wanted everything with him.
Annie squealed as I took a little too long to put on her diaper and Isa pouted, because the attention wasn’t completely on her. The sight brought a smile to my face. They were precious—a force to be reckoned with.
They each had their own personality already. It didn’t matter that they were twins and had shared thirty-six weeks in my belly. No...they had a mind of their own. Annie was the happy one. Anything and anyone could make her smile. She was patient. Isa, on the other hand, knew what she wanted, and didn’t have much patience. No matter what, however, if Annie was by her side, Isa would calm down, and vice versa. They loved each other, their bond unbreakable. After all, they’d grown together inside of me, their hearts started to beat at the same time...for them, there wasn’t life without each other.
I picked them up, somehow finding the way to hold both in my arms, finding comfort with them. They were the family I never had.
The family I always yearned for.
Thunder rumbled outside as rain started to pour, with it washing away any hope I had for Derek to show up for the day. I’d sent him a single text with my address on it since I was off. He had replied with only three words, “I’ll be there.” but he never showed. I supposed it was illogical, thinking he would see them every day. It didn’t make it hurt any less.
He probably didn’t want to see me any more than I wanted to see him.
My eyes closed at the thought, forcing away my disappointment.
I held my babies until they fell asleep, held them until the heartache dissipated, replaced by acceptance.
Acceptance for my circumstances.
Acceptance for the shitty cards life had dealt us, like Derek said.
With a sigh, I laid down the girls in their bassinet, watching over them for a few seconds as they slept, peacefully unaware of the battle waging inside.
The rain didn’t let up. I opened the door, stepping outside and sitting on a wooden chair on the porch. I sat back, admiring the designs that the lighting created in the night sky.
I never took the time to admire it before. My focus had always been everything but nature, everything my mother wanted of me. It was a cold night, but it didn’t bother me anymore. The cold numbed the pain and the rain washed away the insecurities swirling in my head.
The storm promised a new beginning.
I picked up my phone, finding Blake’s number and calling him, the sound of ringing filling the silence in the air.
His face appeared on my phone, darkness surrounding him. He smiled with his little boy nuzzled next to him. He was a great father.
“Did I wake you?”
Blake shook his head. “I wouldn’t have answered if I was asleep. Not with how hard it’s been to sleep lately.”
“Tell me about it,” I muttered.
Blake chuckled, sitting up in his bed, running a hand through his disheveled blonde hair. “What’s up, Hannah? You okay?”
I shrugged. “It’s a beautiful night. I wanted to talk to a friend.”
Blake cocked an eyebrow. “It’s storming. It is not a beautiful night.”
Rolling my eyes, I replied, “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, no? I think it’s gorgeous.”
He seemed thoughtful for a moment, taking a deep breath, then letting it out. “Are you okay? I know the last few days haven’t been easy for you.”
I shrugged.
I wasn’t okay, but everyone knew that.
I was trying to keep it together the best I could because if I allowed myself to cry...if I allowed myself to feel the heartbreak, I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to stop. It didn’t take much to realize that, especially not for Blake.
He’d stayed by my side throughout my pregnancy, a constant companion.
“Did he show?”
I looked ahead, at the starless sky. “No. He didn’t.”
“I’m sorry, Hannah. Really...I am.”
I shrugged him off. I didn’t want pity, didn’t need it. Things wouldn’t change no matter how much I wanted them to. All I could do was move forward, stop dwelling on the things that hurt me.
“Listen...I wish there could have been something I could have done. Talked to Lisa when this all started so this all could have been avoided and—”
“Stop,” I whispered. We’d been through this conversation many times. He felt this guilt, like there was something he could have done to stop Derek from doubting me.
There was nothing.
Nothing would have changed the outcome.
The bright light of headlights blinded my vision for a moment as an SUV pulled up to my driveway.
“What’s going on?”
Squinting, I tried to make out the figure as the man stepped out of the vehicle with a bag in his hands, pulling up a hoodie over his head in the rain.
“Hannah, what the fuck is going on?”
“Derek’s here.” I didn’t recognize the vehicle, but I sure as hell recognized him immediately. Blake gave a sigh of relief before saying a quick goodbye and hanging up the call.
I would have stood up to greet him, but my ass stayed glued to my seat as he approached calmly, not giving a damn about the pouring rain.
Everything in me stirred, no matter how much I tried to avoid it.
“Sorry, I’m late,” he said as soon as he was under the covering of the porch. His bright green eyes were hopeful, a hint of nervousness within them as he spoke...and I couldn’t tear mine away from him. After our conversation just twenty-four hours ago, he looked younger. He looked at peace.
Like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders.
“Hannah?”
His voice brought me back to reality. “Huh?”
He fought a smile, I could see it, but he didn’t mention my momentary lapse. “I said I brought food. Italian, from your favorite place...” He paused, his brows furrowing, “Or what used to be your favorite place. I suppose I don’t know if it still is.”
“It is,” I whispered.
The sound of booming thunder startled me, making me jump. Derek didn’t move an inch, his eyes fixed on me, their gentleness forcing me to look away once again. Wordlessly, I opened the door, his footsteps following behind me.
“So, this is your place,” he said, looking around, until his gaze settled on the boxes against the wall. “It’s nice...but you haven’t finished unpacking.”
I snorted. “Yeah. Those boxes are now a permanent part of the decor.”
I heard his quiet laugh, biting down on my lip to not smile at the sound. I liked it, I always had.
“When did you move?” He followed me into the kitchen, setting the food on the island before gazing around. It was smaller...much smaller than the house I had owned when I worked with my mom, than when I was married to Nathan, but it was enough.
“A week before the girls were born. Didn’t have time to unpack.”
“Almost four months later and still no time, huh?”
I shrugged. “I just haven’t gotten around to it.”
Sure. I could say that.
The truth was that no matter how much time passed, it didn’t feel like home. I liked it. It was a roof over our heads, but it wasn’t where I wanted to be. Not that I knew. I didn’t know much of anything anymore.
Derek took out the Styrofoam boxes, handing one to me along with the plastic utensils. The smell invaded the kitchen and my stomach growled; the sound louder than I would have expected. Derek shook his head, his lips pressed into a thin line.
“You’re starving.”
“Nope. Just a little hungry.” He watched as I opened it up, taking the first bite of the tortellini alfredo he brought. I moaned, unable to help the sound as I closed my eyes and took the first bite. He was right—I was starving and hadn”t eaten a full meal all day. When I looked up, his gaze was focused on me, the green eyes I was so familiar making my heart stutter.
We ate in silence, or I did...he took a couple of bites but didn’t eat much else.
After I finished, we walked upstairs to their room. He opened the door quietly, approaching them as they slept soundly. He smiled, lovingly and my chest tightened.
He was beautiful.
Perhaps an odd word for a man, but it was his soul. The soul that carried many scars from his childhood, from heartbreak and yet could still manage to end up on the other side that was beautiful. I was angry, not blind. I left him alone, making my way downstairs as I tried to keep my emotions in check. If I let him be close it was for their sake, not mine. I sighed, walking up to one of the large windows and watching the rain that continued to fall.
His footsteps let me know he was approaching, but I didn”t move, seeing him through the reflection in the window. He stalled, stopping just behind me. Close enough that I could almost feel his clothes brushing against me, but far enough that he wasn”t touching me. I swallowed thickly, unsure of what to do as his eyes met mine through the window.
”Thanks for dinner. I’m surprised you remembered my favorite dish,” I whispered.
I wanted so badly to read his mind, to know where it had traveled. I wanted to know if he was as conflicted as I was, if it hurt him to be close to me as much as it hurt me.
“There’s not a thing I’ve forgotten about you.”
His hands were to his sides, fisted, as if trying to restrain himself. My heart beat wildly. Eager.
And I wasn’t sure I could say a thing, not when he looked at me like that, like I was the only woman in the world.
I hated it.
I loved it.
“Do you ever wonder?” My words were quiet...I wasn’t sure what the hell I was thinking, digging into that territory, into our past like it wouldn’t hurt, but I did it anyway.
Lightning flashed outside, brightening up the world around us, but I didn’t react, not when his eyes were still on me…so feverish.
“Do I wonder what?”
I let the darkness make me brave. I turned around, and though the house was dark, I could see his eyes, shining. Intense.
“What it would be like if we were together? If none of it would have happened.”
I wasn’t sure what I expected him to say. The silence surrounding us was deafening and heavy with unspoken words, but it was the ones he did say that ended it all.
“Does it make a difference if I do wonder?”
My stomach dropped.
I shook my head, disbelief flooding every cell in my body as I realized I’d let myself be vulnerable. I could feel him studying me, trying to read me, trying to understand me so I turned away, knowing that if I let him, he would peel away all the layers that kept me together.
“Stupid question, right?” I said, walking past him.
“Only if you don’t truly want to know the answer to it.”
“What makes you think I don’t want to know the answer?”
He smiled, that smile that told me he had me exactly where he wanted me. The smile that told me that things weren’t over.
It was enough to send my heart racing.
“You’re not ready.”
I’m not.
Derek knew me, more than I liked to admit. I turned around, once again putting distance between us and heard him sigh, the frustration evident in the sound.
I’m such a pain in the ass.
“It’s late,” I whispered, “I think you should leave.”
Derek nodded once, heading toward the door without much hesitation. He knew we would get nowhere—that he was right. I wasn’t ready. He knew better than to push for anything, though part of me wanted him to. Part of me wanted him to tear those walls down without a care.
He stopped at the door, looking at me for a few seconds before speaking again.
“All you have to do is tell me what you need, Hannah, and I’ll give it to you.”
Oh, his words were full of promise...his eyes were too. I knew if I gave in...
“I can’t,” I whispered. I didn’t miss the longing in his eyes, didn’t miss the way his eyes dropped to my lips just briefly.
I wanted him to do it.
I wanted him to take the step because I knew I wouldn’t. Instead, Derek leaned in, his hand cupping my cheek before he tilted my face up to see him...and I didn’t push him away. Entranced by his touch, hypnotized by his adoring gaze, I stayed glued to my place, getting lost in those emerald depths that held so much power over me.
“One day, I’ll kiss you again. And it won’t be because I want it. It’ll be because you need it. It’ll be because you’re done fighting. But until that day comes...I’ll wait. I’ll wait as long as I have to.”
He walked away then, leaving me standing there as his SUV backed out, hoping...wishing, he had kissed me. Because if he had...I would have caved.
Lord knows I was about to.