9
SELENA
FLASHBACK
The years flew by, and before I knew it, Kai and I were in college. We grew a lot closer. We both decided to live at home instead of staying in the dorms, me because I was shy, him because his mom cried when he mentioned leaving. Kai was already thriving socially at college, and I joined a year later.
I was always more reserved. I wanted more out of life. I was the kind of girl who chose books over parties. I barely dated, actually, I didn't date at all. I wanted love, and all these guys just wanted hookups. But I didn't just want love. I wanted love with him. The boy who became my friend back in high school. Not just my friend, someone I could picture my entire life with.
After the "slutty Sel" incident, I thought Kai would forget I existed. But he didn't. He drove me home that day, sat with me in the cafeteria the next morning, and kept showing up like nothing had changed. I listened to his jokes, his advice, and somehow, he just attached himself to me.
One night, he got bored of his date. The next thing I knew, he was on my balcony, and we were watching superhero shows and my favorite rom-coms. It became our Friday night tradition. I was flattered. He thought I was more interesting than those girls. He would skip dates for me.
My father was strict. He didn't know Kai would sneak in every Friday night, bringing snacks. He didn't know I would fall asleep on Kai's chest or that Kai would sneak out early in the morning. We weren't doing anything wrong. No kissing. No hookups. The most Kai ever did was hold me. But to me, that was everything. He respected me enough.
I watched him go on dates. Watched him buy gifts and post about his girlfriends. I cried at every new one, but then I would tell myself they wouldn't last. I was more special to him. With them, they had his body. With me, I had his soul. And everyone saw us as a package deal.
He had a new girlfriend every season. Not by choice, he preferred hookups, but for some reason, these girls just wouldn't leave him alone. I watched Kai through every phase of his life. Watched his hair grow, watched his tattoos spread across the back of his hand and creep up his neck. His nose ring always stood out. He had the kind of face people didn't forget. And he could dress.
My sister warned me to stay away from him. Apparently, he was labeled the number one fuckboy on campus. I didn't believe it. I believed Kai was different, or at least that he had the potential to change.
I finally made one good friend in book club, Amy. Amy was my best friend. She knew about the feelings I had for Kai. She told me to tell him, but I refused. I didn't want to ruin what we had.
Amy and her boyfriend, Steve, were the kind of couple everyone loved. I tagged along with them everywhere, and they never made me feel like a third wheel. That night, Steve's friend was throwing a big party, and Amy insisted I invite Kai. At first, I didn't want to. I was scared he'd say no. But when I asked, he said yes.
So there I was, standing in front of my mirror, showing Amy my dress while my heart raced. I chose a black dress, safe, familiar. I put on makeup and, for once, I felt pretty.
"He is going to faint when he sees you," Amy said.
"That's an exaggeration," I replied, smiling. "But thank you."
"Sit. Let me curl your hair."
I sat on my bed while she plugged in the curler. Amy was gorgeous, white-blonde hair with pink highlights that somehow worked perfectly. She wore a white dress that made her glow. People said Steve looked plain next to her, but I thought he had the kindest heart, and that mattered more.
"So," Amy said, curling my hair, "do you think he'll make a move tonight? He's finally single."
"I don't think it's a date," I said. "We're just friends. We always hang out."
"Girl," she said, pausing mid-curl, "he said yes to you. Of course it's a date."
My heart sped up. "You think so?"
"Obviously. I can't wait to meet this Kai. Just don't forget me when you run off into the sunset with him."
I laughed. "I could never. You're my best friend. Maybe we'll double date." The idea made me smile more than I expected.
A few hours later, we were ready. It felt like we were going to prom. I was nervous. Steve had already arrived. We were just waiting for Kai to pick us up.
When he finally did, everything in me went still. He looked breathtaking. A maroon shirt that showed off his tattoos, his hair styled but still messy, perfectly imperfect. He stopped in front of me and looked straight into my eyes.
"You look stunning," he said, biting his lip.
I knew that look. His usual look. But this time, it was directed at me.
"You're not so bad yourself," I said. "Nice jacket."
"This old thing?" He shrugged. "I just threw it on."
We laughed.
"So you're Kai?" Amy said, stepping beside me. "I've heard so much about you."
He looked her up and down, smirking. "Hopefully all good things."
She giggled. My stomach tightened.
"In fact," she added, "this one doesn't shut up about you."
I nudged her, my face heating. Kai didn't respond. He just looked away and shook Steve's hand. I went quiet, overthinking his reaction.
We all got into the car. Kai opened the door for me.
"Does Papa Smurf know you're going to a party?" he asked.
"He knows. He trusts Amy."
"And do your parents know?" I teased.
"Not at all, my Sel," he said lightly. "They've been trying to get me to cut you out of my life. Apparently, you're a bad influence."
"Shut up," I laughed.
Before I could move, he pulled me closer, his lips brushing my ear. "You look fucking hot tonight," he whispered. "And if I catch any guy staring, I'm going to lose it. So be a good girl."
I froze. I had never seen him like this before. Flustered, I got into the car.
At the party, his arm stayed around my shoulders. He kept touching me, looking at me, staying close. Everyone assumed we were together. And I didn't correct them. I loved the idea too much. He didn't look at any other girls. Not once.
When the boys ran off, Amy came over, grinning.
"What did I tell you? He's yours."
"You really think so?"
"He can't take his eyes off you."
"I think it's the hair," I said.
"Oh, definitely. I'll hire you for my wedding."
We laughed. Then she checked her phone and groaned. "Steve left. The babysitter wants to go early. Now I have to Uber alone."
"Stay over at my place," I said. "Kai won't mind dropping us."
"You're a lifesaver."
"I know."
I went to grab a drink, choosing something clear. Just in case. Because tonight, something felt different.
I turned back toward the room. And then I saw them.
Kai and Amy.
He was saying something. She was laughing. He set his cup down. Placed his hand on her back. And then they walked toward the stairs together.
My chest tightened. Maybe it's too loud, I told myself. Maybe they just want to talk.
I followed them. Upstairs. Down the hall. They slipped into the office, the door not fully closing. A thin line of light spilled into the hallway.
I stopped outside.
I shouldn't look. I knew I shouldn't.
But I did.
He had her pressed against the desk, his body caging hers, his mouth on her neck. Not gentle. Not soft. Taking.
Her hands were in his hair. Not pushing away. Pulling closer.
"Kai," she breathed.
He kissed her. Hard. Deep. His tongue sliding against hers. She moaned into his mouth.
His hands were already under her shirt. Pushing it up. Palming her skin. Her stomach. Her ribs. The underside of her breasts.
She gasped when he touched her there. Arched into him.
"You want this?" His voice was low. Rough.
"Yes. God, yes."
He pulled her shirt over her head. Tossed it aside. His mouth went to her collarbone. Her chest. Lower.
Her head fell back. Her fingers tightened in his hair.
"Don't stop," she whispered.
He didn't stop. Didn't slow. His mouth was on her, his tongue circling, his teeth grazing. She was shaking.
He pulled back. Looked at her. Her breasts bare. Her lips parted. Her eyes dark.
"You're so beautiful," he said. "You have no idea."
She pulled him back down. Kissed him. Desperate. Hungry.
His hands found the button of her dress. Unfastened. Pulled them down her hips. Her underwear followed.
She stepped out of them. Kicked them aside.
He looked at her. All of her.
"Fuck."
He lifted her onto the desk. She wrapped her legs around his waist. Pulled him close.
His hands were on her thighs. Her hips. Her waist. Everywhere.
He kissed her again. Slower this time. Deeper.
His fingers found her. Slipping between her legs. Finding her wet. Ready.
She gasped against his mouth.
"You're already—"
"Don't stop."
He didn't. His fingers moved. Slow at first. Then faster. Her hips rolled against his hand. Her breath came in ragged gasps.
"Please."
"I know."
He kissed her neck. Her shoulder. Her chest..
She was close. So close. Her nails digging into his back. Her body trembling.
"Come for me."
She did.
Crying out, shaking, falling apart in his arms.
He held her through it. Kissed her through it. Let her ride the wave until she was limp against him.
Then he turned her around.
Pressed her chest against the desk. Her hands splayed across the wood, still trembling from what he'd already done to her.
His arm wrapped around her waist. Pulled her back against him. His other hand tangled in her hair, yanked her head back gently—just enough to expose her throat.
"Look at me," he said.
She turned her head. Met his eyes.
He entered her. Fast. Hard. She cried out, sharp and wounded, like he was splitting her open.
"Oh God. Right there."
Her fingers clawed at the desk. Her knuckles white.
He moved. Deep. Relentless. The desk scraped against the floor with every thrust.
"You feel so good," he growled. "So tight around me."
He entered her. Fast. Hard. She cried out, sharp and wounded, like he was splitting her open. "Oh God. Right there." "Kai. Please." "Please what?" "Harder." He gave her what she asked for. Faster. Deeper. Her moans filled the room. "You're mine," he said. "Say it." "I'm yours." "Say it again." "I'm yours. I'm yours. I'm—"
He reached around. Found her center. Circled his fingers where they were joined.
She shattered.
Crying out, shaking, coming apart against him.
He followed right after. Burying his face in her neck. Groaning. Spent.
They stayed like that for a moment. Breathing together. Shaking together.
Then he pulled out. Adjusted his shirt. Ran a hand through his hair.
She turned around, still catching her breath, lipstick smeared, eyes glassy.
He kissed her forehead. Casual. Easy.
"Give me five minutes," he said. "I'll meet you downstairs."
She nodded. Smoothed her dress. Walked toward the door.
Toward me. I stumbled back just in time, pressing myself against the wall. She opened the door, stepped out, and saw me. Her face went pale. Her mouth opened, then closed. She didn't say a word. She ran. The door stayed open.
I could see him inside, fixing his belt, completely unaware. Then he looked up. Saw me. And froze.
Something flickered in his eyes. Guilt? Recognition? I would never know. He walked toward me slowly, carefully, like I was something fragile he might break even more.
"Hey," he said softly. "You okay? You look upset."
Like he didn't know. Like he had no idea.
"Kai." His name was all I could manage.
He pulled me into a hug. I smelled her on him. Felt his heart still racing against my cheek.
"Shh," he murmured. "It's okay. It didn't mean anything."
The words would live with me forever. It didn't mean anything.
Hours later, I was back in my bed, staring at the blank wall. I felt foolish. Devastated. I had spent the night pretending to be Kai's girlfriend, thinking and hoping that maybe, just maybe, tonight would be the night he finally saw me. But now I was comparing myself to Amy, wondering how effortlessly she caught his attention, something I could never do. The truth was, even if I could rewrite the stars over and over again, it would still end the same way. With me not getting Kai. And that sucked. It sucked because I knew no girl would ever love him the way I did. But life didn't work like that. They didn't choose the girl who loved them the most. They chose the girl who wasn't me.
I was used to it. I just wished I didn't have to be.
Then I heard it. The balcony door. I knew that sound. I'd been listening for it for years.
He stepped inside. I didn't move. Didn't turn around. Just lay there, facing the wall, willing him to disappear.
"Sel." His voice. Soft. Careful.
"Go away, Kai."
The bed dipped behind me.
"No."
"Please. I can't do this tonight."
He didn't move. Didn't speak. Just lay there beside me, close enough that I could feel the heat of him through the sheets.
"You're not mine," I whispered. "I don't get to be upset. I don't get to feel this. You're not mine."
"I know."
"Then why are you here?"
"Because I can't stand the thought of you hurting."
I let out a broken laugh. "You should have thought of that before."
"I know."
"Do you?" I turned over, finally facing him. "Do you actually know what you did? Who she is to me?"
"She's your friend."
"She was my friend. The only one I had. And now I have no one."
"You have me."
I stared at him in the dark. "Do I? Do I have you, Kai? Because it doesn't feel like it. It feels like I'm just… here. Always here. Waiting for you to see me the way I see you."
He reached for me. I let him.
"I see you," he said quietly. "I've always seen you."
"Then what was tonight?"
"A mistake."
"Was it?"
He didn't answer.
"Tell me the truth." I sat up, pulling the covers around me. "Just once. Tell me the truth."
He sat up too, running a hand through his hair, looking at me with those eyes that had always been my undoing. "The truth is…" He paused. "The truth is, I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know why I am the way I am. I see you—really see you—and I know you're the best thing in my life. And then I go and do something like tonight, and I watch you fall apart, and I hate myself for it."
"Then why do you keep doing it?"
"Because I'm scared."
"Of what?"
"Of this." He gestured between us. "Of you. Of what you make me feel. Of what it would mean to actually try with you and fail. Because if I fail with you…" His voice cracked. "If I lose you, I don't think I'd survive it."
I stared at him. "So instead, you just keep me close enough that I don't leave, but far enough that you don't have to risk anything?"
He didn't deny it.
"I love you, Selena."
The words I had waited years to hear. They felt like ash in my mouth.
"No, you don't."
"I do."
"You love what I do for you. You love that I'm always here. That I never leave. That I forgive you no matter what. That's not love, Kai. That's convenience."
"You're my north star."
"Stop saying that."
"It's true."
"It's not true." Tears burned my eyes. "A north star leads you home. But you never come home to me. You just… visit. When it's convenient. When you need someone to hold you after you've broken someone else."
He reached for me again. I let him. I always let him.
"I can't lose you," he said, his voice raw. "You're my best friend. You're the only person who actually sees me. The only person I want to talk to at the end of the night. The only person who makes me feel like I could be… more."
"Then be more."
He went quiet. "I can't."
The words landed like stones.
"What?"
"I can't give you what you want." He met my eyes, and there was real pain there. "I love you. I do. But I'm not in love with you. Not the way you deserve. Not the way you are with me."
The air left my lungs.
"I've tried to feel it. God, I've tried. You're perfect. You're everything. And I think… some part of me wants to be that for you. But I can't force it. And I won't pretend."
"Then what was tonight? What was all of it? The way you look at me, the way you touch me, the way you show up on my balcony every night—"
"Because I love you." He grabbed my hands. "Because you're my person. Because I can't imagine my life without you in it. But that doesn't mean I'm in love with you. And I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
I pulled my hands away. "You're sorry."
"Yes."
"You broke me tonight. You broke me with my best friend. And now you're telling me you're not even in love with me?"
"I'm telling you the truth. For once. Because you deserve that."
I laughed. It was ugly. "The truth. Great. Thanks for the truth."
"Sel—"
"Don't." I held up my hand. "Just… don't."
I sat there in the dark, trying to breathe. Trying to process. Trying not to completely fall apart.
"So what now?" I finally asked.
"I don't know." His voice was small. "I just know I can't lose you. Not as my friend. Not as my person. I'll take whatever you'll give me. I'll be whatever you need. Just… please don't walk away."
"You want me to stay? After everything? After tonight? After telling me you're not in love with me?"
"Yes."
"Why would I do that?"
"Because I'm selfish." He met my eyes. "Because I'm a coward. Because I'd rather have you as my friend than not have you at all. Because I know that's unfair… and I'm asking anyway."
I stared at him.
"I love you," he said again. "Just not the way you need. And I hate that. But I can't change it."
"So I'm supposed to just… accept that? Stay here, be your best friend, watch you date other girls, watch you bring them home while I—"
"No." He shook his head. "I'm not asking you to watch. I'm asking you to stay. To let us figure it out. Maybe…" He hesitated. "Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe feelings change. Maybe if we just… keep being us, something shifts. I don't know. I just know I can't do this without you."
"You want me to wait."
"I want you to exist in my life. However that looks. Whatever that means. I'll take whatever you'll give me."
"That's not fair."
"I know."
"That's not fair to me."
"I know."
Silence stretched between us.
"I don't know if I can do that," I whispered. "I don't know if I can be around you and not want more."
"I understand."
"I might need space."
"I'll give it to you."
"I might need to walk away completely."
His face crumpled—just slightly. "I'll hate it," he said quietly. "But I'll let you. If that's what you need."
I looked at him. Really looked. He was devastated. And somehow, that broke my heart too.
"I don't know what to do," I whispered.
"Neither do I." He reached for my hand. I let him take it. "But I know I don't want to figure it out without you."
We sat there in the dark, hands intertwined, everything heavy between us.
"I'll try," I finally said. "I'll try to just be your friend. But you have to be patient with me. And you have to be honest. No more games. No more Amy."
"There won't be."
"And if it gets too hard—if I can't do it—I have to be able to walk away."
He nodded, swallowing hard. "I understand."
We lay down again. Not touching this time. Just… there.
"I love you," he whispered into the dark.
"I love you too."
I chose to stay. I chose to believe that love could grow—that if I stayed long enough, loved hard enough, fought hard enough, he would eventually feel what I felt.
I chose wrong.
But I didn't know that yet. I was so young. I had years of this ahead of me.