Chapter 21 #2
I was grateful Jesse let me know about Mary, but I was also resentful it was all happening now.
The sad news and sudden influx of contact with my family had my emotions all over the place today, adding all that to the fight with Nesto, I was a wreck.
Which only made me feel guiltier because my sister was dying, and here I was fretting because it was messing with my love life.
“Stop that, Jude. You’ve had an awful day and he made it worse, instead of realizing there was something wrong.” She threw her hands up as she moved around getting her things. “Don’t get me wrong. I like him, but he fucked up, and he needs to apologize for that.”
I knew she was right, but whenever something went awry, I tended to place the blame squarely on myself.
Carmen moved toward the door when we heard the doorbell, but I stood up before she could get there. “I’ll get it. I need to tell Nesto what’s been going on, at least he’ll know I haven’t lost my mind.”
I opened the door and saw this day had taken its toll on Nesto, too. His usually calm and confident face looked drawn.
“Hi,” I said as he stood there looking unsure.
He was quiet for a second and then moved to kiss my cheek, but pulled back before he reached me, which only ramped up my anxiety. “Hey, is it okay that I came over?”
I nodded, dying inside. “Of course it is,” I said as I pulled him into the house.
We almost ran into Carmen. She was getting her shoes on; her purse already perched on her shoulder.
She smiled at me and glared at Nesto. “I’m taking off, hon, Ted is trying to make dinner, and I need to hurry over there before he hurts himself or sets the house on fire.
You’d think a man with three Ivy League degrees could manage making spaghetti.
” She shook her head, an amused smile on her lips despite the death stare she was sending in Nesto’s direction. “But you’d be wrong.”
“You know you love it. Now you get to go home, open a jar of sauce, and boil some noodles and have him worship at your feet.”
“You know me too well, friend.” She looked at Nesto as she got to the door. “I hope you worked on an apology on your way here.”
Nesto looked mortified and I rushed to try to rein in the situation. “Carmen!”
She ignored my horrified tone and held up her phone. “Text me if you need anything. I’ll see you in the morning.”
She walked out, leaving us standing in the living room in tense silence. For a moment I didn’t know where to start, but Nesto spoke before I could.
“I’m so sorry.”
What?
“You don’t have to apologize to me. I was late and you were stressed.”
He shook his head and came closer. He looked like he wasn’t sure if his touch was welcome.
“Today was hard, but there is no excuse for the way I talked to you. You didn’t make me late.
You didn’t do anything. You came to support me this weekend and when shit got stressful I took it out on you.
” He ran his hands over his face and he looked so tired, but his eyes were determined.
“That chance with Sheridan is gone and I’ll have to figure out something else, but I want to know what’s going on with you, babe.
You weren’t yourself all day, and I know it was probably more than just me being an asshole to you. ”
I exhaled and moved closer to him. I knew I should hold myself back more or play hard to get, but I couldn’t. It was such a relief to have him here.
“I did have a tough morning and thank you for apologizing. You didn’t have to do that.” Nesto’s face fell and I took his hand.
“I did though, my behavior was at peak fuckboy today.” I laughed at that; I couldn’t help it. “I’m only grateful that you’re ten times the better person than me, because I don’t know if would’ve let my trifling ass in tonight.”
It was useless trying to resist him, I pushed up and kissed him.
We stood there for a few minutes, me holding on to him for dear life while he kissed my hair and face and ran his arms up and down my back, apologizing and soothing me.
Not demanding anything, just giving me the comfort and quiet I needed.
Finally, I pushed away from him and walked over to the kitchen, pulling him along with me.
“I know I need to tell you what happened, but I don’t even know where to start.”
That was my big fear; that I would open myself up to someone and once they heard about all my baggage, they’d realize I wasn’t worth the trouble. After all, my own flesh and blood chose their beliefs over me.
I exhaled, not sure what to say, but feeling like if I didn’t have him close, I’d completely fall apart. As soon as I leaned against him, he embraced me in his strong arms, and immediately the day’s stress seemed less daunting.
He felt so solid against me, and I was so weary.
When we pulled apart Nesto leaned against the counter, his shoulders still tense. I could tell he was trying very hard not to ask questions. Suddenly he started moving to the fridge as he talked.
“Did you eat? You want me to make you something?”
Hearing that was what finally took the edge off my nerves. Nesto coming by at the end of the day and making dinner seemed so normal.
So like us.
My stomach grumbled as I watched him pull out bread and cheese, a reminder that I hadn’t eaten since breakfast.
“I haven’t actually, but you don’t have to do that. You’re always feeding me.”
He peered over his shoulder as he got busy shredding cheese.
“I want to, please, babe. Today sucked, and the only things that make sense right now are making food and you.”
How could I say no to that? “Okay, thank you.”
His face looked tired, but his shoulders loosened a bit. His hands kept moving, sure and nimble, as he worked on making what looked like a very fancy grilled cheese. When he spoke again his voice was almost pleading.
“I just want to know if you’re all right, if you can’t forgive me right now I understand, but if there’s any way I can help with whatever was going on today, I swear I won’t let you down.”
He glanced up then, like he was searching for something in the ceiling, and started talking again. “Did I push you too far last night? I hadn’t been like that with you before, and I know I can be intense in bed. Maybe I made you uncomfortable.”
I almost laughed at that, because of all the things that had happened in the last twenty-four hours, what we’d done together last night was definitely a silver lining.
“I was perfectly happy with how things were. I don’t want you to feel pressured or like I need more.”
“Are you sure?” He looked spooked. It was so wild to see Nesto like this, unsure.
I should’ve known he’d worry about it. We hadn’t had sex like that before, and it had been the first time I’d asked him to stay over. I had to remember my family would not even be on his radar; I’d barely talked to him about them.
I immediately made my way to him and pulled him so we were face to face. I put my hands against his chest, tugging his chin down, so he’d look at me.
“Last night was amazing,” I said, shaking my head. “I’m thirty years old and I had no idea I could let go like that.” I hugged him, wanting to get closer. “I loved it. You make me feel so good. I can’t get enough of you, of us together.”
I could feel Nesto exhale and relax. He kissed me softly and I was ready to leave the conversation for later when we broke apart.
“Okay, I’m glad I didn’t fuck all the way up, but what happened?” He turned around again to finish my sandwich and for a few minutes I watched him efficiently prepare my dinner, thinking about how to explain today to him.
He turned on the skillet, buttered bread, placed the Monterey Jack and sharp Cheddar he’d shredded, and added mustard and a slice of tomato. The smell of the butter toasting the bread on the pan made my stomach grumble again.
He smiled at that and lifted an eyebrow as he worked. After a few moments, he tossed the perfectly toasted bread onto my wooden cutting board and ran the knife down the center, making two perfect triangles. When he was done, he turned to me again, my dinner on a plate in his hands.
“Jude, I’ve tried to be respectful because I know it’s hard for you to talk about personal stuff, but if something is wrong, I really hope you can trust me enough to say something.”
I sighed and spoke in a low voice. I didn’t want to talk about any of this stuff, but if I didn’t it would just fester.
“I heard from my family today. My brother-in-law let me know my sister’s cancer is back.”
“I’m so sorry.” Nesto’s eyes softened and that only made the hole in my gut wider. I hated seeing pity on people’s faces. “When was the last time you saw your sister?”
Before I answered, I moved to grab a couple of beers from the fridge, then gestured for him to follow me to the living room. We sat on my couch, each against one end, our legs stretched out and tangled together. I took the sandwich from him and bit into it, suddenly feeling famished.
“Thanks again.”
He nodded and watched me eat in silence. I finished the whole thing in a few bites and took a long sip of my beer, as he patiently waited for me to start talking.
“I haven’t really talked with anyone in my family since I came out to them about four years ago.” His eyes widened, but he didn’t say anything. I looked away, shame almost choking me. “I told you about my sister Mary, she’s the one who got me into reading.”
He nodded. “Yeah, I remember. She took you to the library every week.”
I smiled, of course he remembered. “Right, she basically raised me and my two younger siblings after my mom died when I was eight. Mary was nineteen and had just gotten married, but she took us home with her. She and Jesse—her husband—took care of us. My dad was never very nurturing, and after mom died he sort of shut down.”
Nesto leaned over so he could touch my face, his eyes full of concern. “I didn’t realize you’ve been on your own this whole time.”