Chapter 21 #3
I wanted to shrug it off, act like it was no big deal to be shunned by my family, and then I remembered I didn’t have to lie to Nesto. I put my hand over the one he had on my face and nodded.
“My family, well my whole town really, goes to this church. It’s ultra-conservative.
I told you about the pastor before.” He gave me a terse nod, as if he could already tell where I was going with the story.
“It was pretty awful, but my dad’s family has been part of the congregation for generations.
So, when I realized I was gay, I locked all of it way down.
I didn’t want to lose my family, so I told myself I’d just be celibate.
If I didn’t act on it, I could just keep being me.
In Honduras was when I realized celibacy was going to be a lot harder than I thought. ”
I laughed, and looked at Nesto who was sitting very still, like he didn’t want to spook me.
I sighed. “Nothing even happened there, but I had the biggest crush on one of the local guys that came to the church. We just hung out and he took me around the country sightseeing and stuff. I wanted him so bad though, and I was miserable about it the whole time. After I got back, I went to a Christian college, which I actually loved in some ways, but wasn’t exactly a place to explore that side of myself. ”
Nesto nodded as I spoke, and I stopped talking when he looked like he wanted to ask something. “Were you able to confide in anyone? You must have felt so alone.”
“I didn’t tell anyone; I was too scared.
When I was in Rochester for graduate school, I met this guy, Elijah; he was also in school there.
” I closed my eyes for this part. “He was in the closet, too, but we made plans to be together after we graduated. I’d gotten a job in the library at the state college in Cortland, so I’d be close to my family.
I could see them often but was far away enough it wouldn’t be an issue if they needed time once I came out. ”
“Come here, sweetheart.” Nesto patted the spot closer to him. I assume he anticipated where the story was going. Suddenly, I felt cold. Cold like it was winter, not the middle of summer. I went to Nesto, and to my surprise, it helped.
“I was convinced they’d come around. I’d waited so long, and I was the perfect kid. Good student, responsible, no drinking, smoking, church every Sunday. They had to know by then me being gay wouldn’t change any of it right?”
I laughed bitterly, remembering how badly I’d misjudged my family’s reaction.
“One Sunday, Elijah and I agreed we’d each talk to our families. So, I went to my dad’s for dinner and I told them.”
I paused then, because we both knew it had not gone as planned. I was exhausted from talking and reliving that horrible fucking day.
I felt Nesto shift on the couch. He gently took my beer out of my hand. He moved and tugged, until I was sitting with my back against his chest. Neither of us said a word, he just held me tight. After a while I started talking again.
“Take your time, Jude.” I nodded, gulping down tears while Nesto ran his palms up and down my arm. Once I got myself back under control, I started talking again.
“It was a disaster. My father just stood up from the table and told me I was no longer welcome at his house. My sister could barely look at me and said she’d never forgive me for saying those things in front of her children.
” My voice broke at the memory of that. “Micah, her youngest, was just five years old back then. I’m his godfather, you know?
And my sister couldn’t forgive me for saying I’d fallen in love in front of her son. ”
Nesto squeezed me harder and whispered in the gentlest voice I’d heard from him, “I am so sorry.”
I shook my head, my eyes squeezed shut. “That’s the thing, there’s nothing to be sorry for. I had nothing to be sorry for. I didn’t do anything wrong. They were wrong. As much as I love them, they were wrong. I had to work very hard to believe that, but I do believe it now.”
I sagged against Nesto then tipped my face up to look at him. “You deserved better than that.” I knew that now, but it took me a long time to get here.
“Only in the past year, I’ve felt more like I know who I am, who I want to be than at any other point in my life.
I love my job, my house, and it’s been so good with you.
I feel horrible for resenting the timing of all this, even though I’m terrified for my sister.
I’m just worried this is all going to end up sending me back to a bad place.
” Nesto put his fingers on my face, and I realized it was wet with tears.
“Jude, you’re entitled to your feelings. You had to start over on your own, and it’s not selfish to want to keep the peace you fought so hard for.”
“I stayed in town for a year after I came out. None of them talked to me, only my cousin Esther and Jesse ever tried to reach out. I was like a pariah; Pastor Jones even told me to stop coming to church because it was too upsetting for my family. But I stayed, hoping they’d come around.”
Nesto’s face looked thunderous. “I swear I want to go fight people right now for doing that shit to you. That’s just fucking wrong.”
I shrugged, thankful for how fierce he looked on my behalf.
“It was a long time ago. Things fell apart with Elijah, too. His parents were a lot more understanding than mine, and in the end, he decided he wanted to live closer to them. I basically blew up my whole life for a relationship that wasn’t going anywhere.”
“You spoke your truth and that’s no small thing though.”
Nesto was right. It sucked, but in the end, it was the best thing I’d ever done for myself.
“I don’t think I was really in love with Elijah. I think I just needed a reason to tell the truth. So, when I got the job here three years ago, I left and never looked back.”
Nesto’s arms tightened around me, his breath hot on my skin. It felt so good. Like comfort.
“You’re so fucking brave, Jude. I’m not going to say coming out wasn’t rough for me, but my mom supported me every step of the way. I can’t imagine what it was like to have your family turn their backs on you like that.” He kissed my cheek hard. “You’re amazing.”
Why had I ever doubted Nesto?
I put my head back, feeling lighter, but also very much unprepared for my visit with Mary.
“I’m going to go see my sister on Tuesday. My brother-in-law was updating me over text all day, and tonight he confirmed I could come and see her.”
“That’s why you were so focused on your phone today,” he groaned. “Fuck, I had so many things going through my brain. I’m so sorry I was such an asshole to you.”
I shook my head. “I was a basket case today and you were dealing with a lot, too.”
“That’s no excuse. I saw you weren’t yourself, and I should’ve taken the time to talk to you and ask what was wrong. I can get tunnel vision when it comes to the business.”
“You’re here for your business though.”
He made a weird noise and kissed me again.
“Babe, do you want me to come with you on Tuesday? I have a couple of things I need to do, but I can shift some stuff around and drive you there. If you want company, I mean.”
The weight of the whole day seemed to lift off my shoulders at once.
“Are you sure? I know things are really busy with the truck right now, and it’ll be a long day.
It’s almost two hours to Rochester.” I paused, thinking of something, but I made myself say it.
“Also, I’m not sure you would be welcome, at least in my sister’s room.
I’m pretty sure she still won’t be okay with ‘my homosexuality.’”
His face hardened, but he nodded and even managed a smile.
“That’s fine. I can bring my laptop and work while you’re visiting with her. I’m sure they’ll have a cafeteria with shitty coffee I can sit in for a couple of hours, and I have bookkeeping stuff I need to get done anyway.”
I moved closer so our foreheads were touching, and whispered, “Thank you.”
“Of course, anything you need.”
He put his hands on my face and lifted my mouth up to his for a kiss, then stood grabbing my hand.
“Come on, baby, let’s go to bed. We’ve had a long weekend.”
I let him pull me up, feeling a bit dazed, and said, “But you don’t have clothes.”
He smirked, his eyebrows dipping, giving him the mischievous look that made my knees weak.
“I have a bag in the car. I stopped at home for some clothes before I came over. I was hoping you’d take pity on me and let me in.”
I shook my head. “You know I can’t resist you.”
He let out a long breath. “I am so sorry about this entire day. Can we start over? Go back to your bedroom where everything made sense?” It was a relief to hear him say that. To know that we could go back to exploring this thing between us. It’s what I wanted most.
“Yes,” I answered, already walking there, holding his hand tight.