Chapter 26
chapter twenty-six
jude
By the time I made it up to Mary’s room it was past one. I waved at the nurses at the station as I passed them. I’d visited enough by now that I recognized some of them.
As I walked to her room, I wondered how she was doing today. She’d lost so much weight in the past few weeks; she didn’t look much like herself anymore. She’d been so frail last week, I wondered if I’d only get a few more chances to see my sister.
When I got to Mary’s room, I noticed there was a man in there already.
He was sitting off to the far side of the room, in a chair by the little round table that held the homemade cards and flowers people brought Mary.
His back was to the door, head down, like he was on a phone call, but when I knocked on the door he turned around.
I almost gasped in surprise when I saw his face.
It was our old pastor, Paul Jones. He was still as handsome and imposing as I remembered.
He’d be in his mid-sixties now, but he could still suck all the air out of a room.
Pastor Jones.
His was a face I could have gone the rest of my life without seeing again. The embodiment of every self-loathing thought I’d had as a teen. Every moment of absolute despair, knowing my family would cast me out if they knew the truth about me, sitting right here in my sister’s hospital room.
He stood when he saw me, as if he’d been waiting for me, and my heart sank. I hoped this wasn’t some kind of intervention. I wanted to believe Mary wouldn’t do this to me. That she wouldn’t betray my trust like this by using Pastor Jones to ambush me. I walked in hoping my unease was unnecessary.
I ignored Pastor Jones and looked over at the bed.
Mary’s eyes looked regretful, but I could see the stubborn set in her jaw.
Whatever it was she’d planned for this visit, she was going to see it through.
I let a long breath out as I got closer, knowing this conversation would wound me, but I sat down on the chair anyway.
In some sick way, I felt I owed Mary this, her last attempt at saving my soul.
“How are you doing today?” I tried to keep a jovial tone, taking her hand as a tear rolled down her cheek.
“Pastor Jones came to pray with us.” Just those few words brought on a coughing fit. It had a dry rattling sound. Her bony shoulders shook so violently I was afraid her IV would come out.
I gestured at Pastor Jones, who just stood there like a statue, to pass me the pitcher. I poured some water and passed it to Mary after she finished coughing. She drank deeply and slumped against her pillow, breathing hard.
She turned her face to me after a moment. “I’m so weak now, the hospice will be better. They’ll be more mindful of my comfort.”
“Oh Mary,” I croaked, unable to say more.
“I’m getting ready, Jude. Soon I’ll be with Mama and Daddy.” She looked at Pastor Jones, and he gave her a comforting smile, which I assumed was his way of encouraging her on whatever was about to happen. I nodded, ignoring the stare he was sending in my direction.
After a moment, he cleared his throat. “Jude, I’m here at Mary’s request to talk about your salvation, son.
Your sister is dying, and she’s worried about the state of your soul as much as her own.
She loves you and wants more than anything to see you turn away from the life of sin and perdition you’re living.
She doesn’t want to leave this world without hearing you repent and say you accept our Lord in your heart once again. ”
Mary looked at me, her face pleading.
I was surprised that I could still be stunned by his words.
It was like I felt everything, and nothing in that moment.
I felt the humiliation of being with people who truly believed they were saving me from myself.
I felt pity for my sister and me and how this last chance we’d had for some closure would go to waste.
I felt rage toward men like Pastor Jones, who spent their life spewing hate and still felt entitled to tell the rest of us how wretched we were.
Most of all, though, I felt scared, because for a moment I wanted to do it.
If I could just say this now and let my sister have this.
Let her die in peace knowing I would not burn in the hell she was certain I was condemned to.
But then I reminded myself I’d been through too much to betray myself like this, even for Mary.
I took her hand and I kissed her palm. In a strangled voice, my eyes full of tears, I shook my head and said, “I can’t, Mary.
And what’s more, I don’t believe I have to.
There’s nothing wrong with who I am or how I live.
I can’t say something I don’t believe is true.
” Pastor Jones rumbled from the side, but I held up my hand to stop him from saying whatever he was going to say.
Mary looked away for a moment and then turned her face back toward me.
“Jude, I’ve appreciated your visits, and I hope you know how much I love you, but I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to come back.
I fear seeing you may weaken my resolve, and I’m concerned for the state of my own soul.
I can’t condone your lifestyle, and I’m afraid I may be tempted to if you keep coming to see me. ”
I knew it was coming, and still it felt like a punch to the gut. Shame filled every cell in my body. I nodded, unable to talk, and after squeezing her hand one more time, I stood up.
“I’m sorry, Mary. I love you.”
I didn’t bother even looking at Pastor Jones as I walked out of the room.
As I got to the end of the hallway I felt like my body was floating.
The humiliation and hurt churning in my body like sludge.
I saw a restroom down the hall and I hurried inside.
I went into a stall and just sat there, my eyes dry.
I don’t know how long I stayed there, but after a while I got up and splashed some cold water on my face.
When I walked out of the bathroom I saw Amos heading toward me.
I was about to turn the other way, but he grabbed my arm and pushed me against the wall.
“I don’t care what you told Mary in there.
You will never be welcome into this family again.
You’re an embarrassment, coming into this hospital holding hands with that man.
You’re disgusting.” I pushed his hand away, trying to control the tremors in my body, shaking from sorrow and anger.
“Let go of me, Amos. You don’t get to treat me like this again. I don’t care what you think of me.” I gasped, trying to keep my composure. “I just told Mary the same thing I told all of you four years ago. I won’t apologize for who I am.”
With that I started down the hall without looking back.
I was all right. I had been on my own for a long time, I didn’t need redemption and I didn’t need forgiveness.
I got on the elevator, telling myself I would be fine over and over again.
As I stepped out into the lobby I wished Nesto was waiting for me outside the elevator like he usually did.
I stopped and pulled out my phone to call him, the need to talk with him so strong my hands shook.
It was almost two and I hoped he was out of his meeting by now. I dialed his number and sagged with relief when he picked up after two rings, but before I could say a word he cut me off. “Hey, I can’t talk right now. I’ve got something important going on. I’ll call you later okay?”
With that, he disconnected the call.
I stood there holding the phone to my ear with no one on the other end for a long moment. Then I snapped out of my daze and started for my car.
I should have learned my lesson a long time ago, but I never did.
Nesto
It was really happening.
OuNYe was going to be a brick-and-mortar restaurant.
The space I’d just walked through with Harold was perfect.
It was an old showroom space lined with floor to ceiling windows, so people walking on the busy street in downtown Ithaca could see what was happening inside.
Harold had called in one of the architects he worked with for the meeting, and the three of us brainstormed for hours about what we would do to the space.
We talked about building booths along the back and side walls and have the bar just as you came in.
On the walls we’d have massive full color photographs of the islands.
We’d have eat-in on one side, and take-out service in a separate area that would replicate the way OuNYe served out of the truck.
The truck would stay open, of course. I’d already been approached by Cornell, asking if I could setup there during the academic year, and during the summer there was the Farmers’ Market.
Things were looking pretty damn good for OuNYe’s future in Ithaca.
As I walked to my car, I processed the meeting I’d just left.
In the end Ithaca had been a risk that paid off.
Then there was Jude. Things had been hectic for the last few weeks, because I’d been working my ass off to get everything with the business on track.
I was so close to being able to tell him I had a solid foundation for us to build on.
I remembered he’d called about half an hour ago when we were finishing up with the architect.
As I walked back to my car, I pulled out my phone to call him back when I saw I had like ten notifications.
A few missed calls, texts, and voicemails.
I looked at the time and saw that it was past two-thirty.
Shit, I was with Harold for more than four hours.
I stopped at a corner so I could listen to the voicemail from Jude when a call from my mom came in.
“Hey, Mamí, I have awesome news.”
“That’s great, m’ijo, I was just calling to ask if you guys are on the road coming back already. How did it go?”
For a second I had no idea what she was talking about and then my heart sank. Shit, I was supposed to meet Jude to go to the hospital today. That was why he called, and I didn’t even let him talk. Just barked that I’d call later and hung up on him.
Oh shit, this was his last visit before Mary went to hospice.
“Nesto, are you there?”
“Mamí, se me olvido. I totally forgot about the visit. I was at a meeting with Harold. Let me let you go; I have to call to see if he’s still waiting for me.”
“Ernesto.” Her voice was full of disappointment. “Pero, m’ijo, it’s almost three—”
“Mamí! I gotta go.”
I ended the call and tapped my phone so I could listen to Jude’s voicemail. Guilt flooded my chest as I played the message. It was Jude letting me know he was going to drive on his own. To anyone else he would have sounded like he was totally fine, but I could hear the flatness in his voice.
Dammit.
I tried to call him, but it went straight to voicemail.
I read Carmen’s message, but she just said she was worried about Jude going to the visit alone.
Fuck, it was literally the only thing Jude asked me for in the entire time we’d been dating, and I had completely dropped the ball, after I’d promised him I’d be there for every visit.
I knew I’d been slacking the last few weeks, too.
I’d made my big declaration that night in Aurora, but since we’d gotten back, I’d been busier and busier.
Jude always pushed me to do what I needed to for OuNYe, but I knew I was going back to my old ways.
Taking the person I was with for granted when work got crazy.
I started walking to my car again, feeling like a complete asshole. This visit was going to be a hard one. Mary didn’t have much time left.
By the time I got to my car I’d called him four times, but they all went straight to voicemail.
A feeling of dread started to creep in. If he’d missed his visit, or worse if something went wrong while he was there all alone, I’d never forgive myself.
I didn’t know what to do. I tried calling Carmen to ask if she’d talked to him, but her phone was switched off, too.
I got in the car and started driving, then called my mom on the Bluetooth.
“?Qué paso, m’ijo? Did you get in touch with him?”
“No, I almost want to drive over there, but he’s probably on his way back by now.
Maybe I should go to his place and wait for him.
I know I don’t need to treat him like a baby, but I could tell he was nervous for this one.
And I’ve been so busy trying to get everything on lock with the business… Mamí, I don’t know what to do.”
My mom breathed out on the other side of the line. “Ernesto, I know this thing between you is new, but I also know it’s important. You love him, m’ijo, and I know he cares about you. You let him down.”
“I know. I know. I’m going to let you go, Mamí, okay? I’ll talk to you later.” I cut her off before she started lecturing me again, because I really couldn’t deal with “I told you so” right now.
The feeling I’d done something irreversible wouldn’t quit.
Jude didn’t like letting others see his pain, and he didn’t trust easily.
I feared I’d broken what he’d given me. Not for missing the visit, because if something had come up with the truck and I’d let him know in advance he would have been fine.
What I worried was he’d think he wasn’t a priority for me.
I parked my car across the street from the truck, thinking of what to do, and came up blank.
I’d blown my chance to be there for Jude today, and now I had to deal with whatever the consequences were.
When I thought about OuNYe and the big news of today, the elation I should’ve felt at being so close to having my restaurant fell completely flat.