Chapter 27
chapter twenty-seven
nesto
“He said he’ll call you tomorrow.” Carmen’s voice was off and she sounded worried. When I’d called earlier asking for Jude, she hadn’t berated me or even told me I’d fucked up, just said she’d call me back in five minutes. Now after three tries, all she had was he’d call tomorrow.
I tried not to sound as desperate as I felt when I answered. “Can you at least tell me if he’s all right? Did something happen at the visit?”
She sighed wearily. “I’m sorry, Nesto. All he said was he’ll call you tomorrow.”
“But why isn’t he home? I came by his place twice, and he’s not there.”
This time her voice sounded wooden, like she was forcing herself to sound neutral. “He’ll call you tomorrow. When he says he’ll do something, he does.”
Ouch. That fucking hurt, but I deserved it.
“Gracias, Carmen. Buenas noches.”
“Bye, Nesto.”
It was nine p.m. and I was sitting on my couch after hours of frantically trying to get in touch with Jude.
I’d gone to his place, called, texted and got no reply.
I almost went to Carmen’s house, but I’d only been there a few times, and felt like I would be overstepping by showing up unannounced.
If Jude didn’t want to talk to me, I’d just have to wait until he was ready.
I tried to think of the last time I’d felt this helpless or scared and couldn’t come up with much.
This is what my mom and Milo warned me about.
I got tunnel vision when I went after something and could forget everyone around me.
I’d been so hell-bent on not messing up my second chance with Harold, I’d let down the person that mattered most to me.
I hadn’t even gotten around to telling my mom about the restaurant space. Once I realized how bad I’d fucked up with Jude, everything else seemed unimportant. I hoped I’d get the chance to make things right with him, but I wasn’t even sure I deserved it.
I was trying to convince myself Jude just needed some space, and we’d be fine when my phone buzzed. I picked it up immediately, hoping it was him calling, when I saw Milo’s number. Of course, Jiminy Cricket himself, calling me when I was primed for my reckoning.
“Hey.” My voice sounded awful.
“What happened?” This motherfucker really did have superpowers.
“I just said hello.”
Milo clicked his tongue and sighed like I was trying his patience. “You sound like someone died. I haven’t heard you this fucked up since…well, ever actually. Did something happen with Jude?”
“I fucked up.”
“Would you care to elaborate?”
I ran my hands over my face, thinking Milo would not bullshit me about this. He’d give it to me straight and he’d also lost his dad to cancer, so he knew firsthand what it was like to be in Jude’s situation. So I gave him a rundown of what was going on.
I expected Milo to interrupt me every two words, or to call me a moron and then yell at me for being a thoughtless prick. To my surprise he just quietly listened until I was done. When I finished talking, he sighed heavily.
“You need to show him he wasn’t wrong to count on you. Jude let you into his life, a very painful part of his life and trusted you had his back.”
I cringed at that, trying to hide from the hard truth. Again, I tried to deflect. “Maybe I’m overreacting. I don’t even know if something happened at the visit.”
Milo’s usual snide self finally came back, and he scoffed at my bullshit. “If everything was fine at the visit, do you think he’d be icing you out and hiding somewhere?”
And that was exactly where I avoided going all day. Something went very wrong on that visit, and whatever it was, Jude had to walk out of there and drive home on his own. Then when he tried to call me, I hung up on him.
“How do I make this better?”
“By showing him where he stands in your life. When I say show him, I mean it, too. You’ve already told him you loved him and wanted to be with him and then went right back to your workaholic ways.
So, talking won’t do much. You need to make changes, Nesto, and let him see for himself he’s a priority in your life. ”
I had no clue what I was supposed to do, so I just gave him a shaky “okay.”
Milo chuckled sadly at my pitiful answer.
“I know you think you know fuck all about how to do that, but you have it in you. There isn’t a better son, brother, or friend than you.
You’re a good man; you know how to love right.
Just be there for him, make him see how much what you guys have matters to you. ”
I sighed. “Thanks, Milo.”
“You’re welcome, pa, I love you.”
After we disconnected, I went to bed thinking about what I would do if I got a chance to make things right with Jude.
Jude
“Stop looking at me like that,” I told Carmen when she kept staring at me over her monitor.
After the visit with Mary, I’d gone to Carmen’s house.
I didn’t want to see Nesto if he stopped by my place, but I didn’t want to be alone either.
This morning, I’d gotten up at five a.m. and driven home without waking her up.
I’d needed a change of clothes and to be in my own space before facing the world again.
When I walked into the office with a big smile, acting like everything was totally fine, I knew I’d pushed her right over the edge.
“I’m just worried about you, Jude.”
“I’m fine, Carmen. I’m going to go get some fresh air. I’ll be back in a few.” I walked out of the library, ignoring the concerned look on her face.
I hated myself for feeling the way I did.
Discarded and let down. After Nesto hung up on me, I’d just gone to my car and sat there for hours.
Eventually Jesse found me and apologized for what happened.
He was so angry at Pastor Jones and Amos and frustrated with Mary.
I told him I was fine, and he obviously didn’t believe me.
He asked why my boyfriend wasn’t with me like usual.
I spluttered at that, because I didn’t realize he knew about Nesto.
He smiled and said he’d seen us arrive together a couple of times.
When I told him Nesto forgot about the visit, the look of pity on his face almost broke me.
There I was, four years later, the same pathetic Jude who was discarded by the people he was foolish enough to love.
Before I drove away, Jesse asked me to stay in touch and promised to send me updates about Mary. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever see him or the kids again. I knew I’d probably never see Mary again. I’d headed to Ithaca feeling like a husk.
Now hours and hours later, I still felt numb. I couldn’t even cry.
It had all dried up.
The truth was, deep down I suspected things with Mary would end up like they did. But I’d gone to see her anyway, because in the back of my mind I was counting on Nesto to help me through it. I let myself rely on him, and in the end, he couldn’t make me a priority.
And whose fault was that?
Mine.
I knew I was being unfair, that he had no way of knowing the visit he flaked out on would be the one where my family managed to emotionally eviscerate me again.
But I knew better than to let myself rely on what I felt.
People who loved you could hurt you. If you opened yourself up to love, you opened yourself to pain and disappointment.
I’d let my guard down once more and was in that old familiar place again.
I got to a small park in the middle of downtown, which was usually empty this early in the day, and sat down on a bench.
It wasn’t even eight yet, so there was only one other person in the whole place.
I looked over at the little church on the edge of the park, trying to put off the call I had to make.
After a minute, I pulled out my phone and called Nesto.
He picked up after the first ring, sounding tired but alert.
“Jude.”
“Hi.”
He let out a long breath, “I’m so sorry, babe. So fucking sorry. It won’t happen again. I know I broke my promise to be at every visit, but I swear, next week I’ll be there one-hundred-percent on time.”
I closed my eyes at the anguish in his voice, hardening myself to it. “You don’t need to worry about that. I’m not going back for more visits.” I tried to keep my tone light, but it sounded fraught to my own ears.
Nesto’s silence was heavy, like he was trying to figure out what I wasn’t saying.
“Did something happen with Mary?” he asked, his voice hesitant.
I wanted to say nothing, keep him in the dark. To go and hide with my hurt and my shame, but the worry in his voice made me say it.
“She asked our old pastor to come and talk to me about my soul. Ummm…she’s worried about my salvation, and since she doesn’t have a lot of time left, she asked him to help her. Amos was there, too. He let me know no matter what I said to Mary, I’d never be welcome into the family again.”
“Oh, babe. No.”
“It’s fine. I told Mary I couldn’t do what she was asking, so she requested I not come visit again.
She and Pastor Jones are worried for her soul if she continues to see me.
” I had to stop and clear my throat because it was closing up.
“You know, because she loves me so much and she’ll be tempted to forgive me. ”
Nesto muttered a curse under his breath, as I squeezed my eyes shut.
“Jude, what they did is not okay. I get that your sister has her beliefs, but this is not about you, baby. It’s not. You’re perfect just the way you are. You hear me, mi amor?”
I almost broke down when I heard the endearment but steeled myself to get on with why I called before it got harder.
“I’ll be all right. Don’t worry about me.
” I paused for a moment to take a breath but quickly pushed on.
“So, just to let you know, things are going to be pretty intense with the mobile library launch in a week. You know how it is. You have the party at Mr. Sheridan’s, too, so you’ll have lots going on.
Oh, and congratulations on the space, Ari said you were there yesterday.
” I knew I was in a hysterical ramble, but if I stopped I’d start sobbing.
“Wait, what are you saying?”
“I just need some space. I know you have a lot of important things happening, so I think it’s best to part ways now.”
“No baby, please don’t do this.” Nesto’s voice sounded panicked and like he was about to cry.
I shut my eyes, trying not to let it get to me.
“I’m sorry I let you down, Jude. I can fix this.
I won’t ever take you for granted again.
” That last part came out in a shudder, and it took everything in me not to give in.
“Every time it’s come down to your business or me, you’ve picked your business and I get that. It’s what you’re here to do,” I said with finality. “I just wanted you so much, I let things slide so I could have you a little bit longer, you know? But I’m too tired now.”
“Jude, please.”
My throat made a clicking sound as I worked to keep myself under control. “I understand I can’t be a priority for you. I don’t want to stretch this out anymore, when I know what’s going to happen. How things will end for me. Goodbye, Nesto. Take care, okay?”
I ended the call and turned the phone off before putting it in my pocket.
As I walked back to my office I let the feeling of utter devastation settle into my bones. The sharp pain almost suffocating me. I would try hard to never forget how much this hurt the next time I was tempted to open myself up to love.