Chapter 38
JAXON
This is it.
Everything was riding on my ability to get through the next five minutes without making an even bigger mess of things. I knew everything I wanted to say, but it was all a big jumble in my head.
“I know I fucked up,” I said. “I didn’t want to say goodbye to you either, but I still should have. Leaving was the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do. At the time, I thought it was because I was doing it for you, even when it wasn’t what I wanted.”
Arguments flashed in those blue eyes, but she didn’t interrupt me even though I saw how much she wanted to.
“I’ve since realized that what I thought was wrong.
It’s been made very clear to me by my mother and by my friend, Kavan, that I acted like a complete idiot.
It just took me some time to sort through it all in my own head. ”
“You told your mother about me?” she whisper-yelled. “Why would you do that?”
“Because I fell in love with you on that island, and the first time she saw me after, she knew something was different. That I was different.”
“You…” She stared up at me with disbelief etched into her expression. “You didn’t fall in love with me. You wouldn’t have left me if you had.”
“Oh, but I did.” I threaded my fingers into the soft locks at the nape of her neck.
“That’s why I left, even if I didn’t necessarily realize it at the time.
I left because I couldn’t stand to come home with you and not have you being mine.
I left because I promised to protect you and I thought that was what I was doing.
I left because I couldn’t stand the thought of not being with you, but I also thought it was too soon after your relationship fell apart to even broach the subject. ”
My chest was heaving by this point, but at least the jumble was vanishing, and finding the words I needed was starting to come easier.
“The thing is, Linds, I thought leaving you would protect you from me. From the feelings I had for you when I didn’t think you could possibly be in a place where you could reciprocate. ”
Moisture clung to her lashes and her teeth sank into her lower lip. “That wasn’t for you to decide.”
A smirk crept onto my lips when I remembered Kavan saying those exact same words to me when we’d first gotten back.
I shook my head and brought my forehead down to hers.
“So I’ve been told. When I left that morning though, I wasn’t thinking about it like that.
I never meant to hurt you. In fact, I was trying to save you from being hurt. ”
“I don’t need you to save me, Jaxon.” Her voice was quiet and laced with pain, but she hadn’t pushed me away yet. “How could you not have realized how much it would hurt me to be walked out on for the second time in little over a week? Especially after the night we had together.”
Agony twisted my insides into knots. “I’m so sorry, baby. I don’t know how I didn’t realize it. I just didn’t. I was so caught up in what I thought was right that I never stopped to consider just how fucking wrong I might be.”
“You were, Jaxon. Wrong, I mean.”
“I know,” I whispered, winding one arm around her waist and holding her to me. “I wish there was a way to go back. I wish I could take away all the pain I caused you. I’d rather have been tortured for a week than to have had you feeling that way for even a minute.”
“I hope you’re ready to sign up for a couple of years of torture then,” she mumbled, “because if it’s a week for every minute, it’s going to be a lot of weeks.”
“If it would take your pain away, I’d do it in a heartbeat,” I said firmly. “That being said, I’m also glad I left.”
She stiffened against me, and I rushed out my explanation for that statement.
“If I hadn’t left the way I had, I never would have been forced to really face how I feel about you.
After spending every minute together and then suddenly no longer having you in my life, it became glaringly obvious how much I care about you. ”
“You needed to hurt me to realize how much you love me?” she asked, her voice strained. “I hope you know how fucked up that sounds.”
“I do, but I didn’t mean that I’m glad you got hurt. I will never, ever forgive myself for hurting you and I know you probably won’t forgive me either. What I meant was that I never even let myself consider that I’d fallen in love with you because I thought it was way too fast.”
Lindsay kept quiet, hearing me out while my heart thundered underneath her ear.
“It took losing you for me to realize that just because it happened fast didn’t make it any less true.
I fell head over fucking heels for you, so fast and so hard that I didn’t even realize it was happening until it was too late. ”
“How do I know you’re not lying?”
“Why would I lie to you about this?” I pulled back to look into her eyes, stroking my thumb along her cheekbone.
“Why would I leave an Air Force convention where the only thing I did was talk about you to a total stranger, only to come here to tell you everything? You’ve already told me my job is safe, and I trusted you when you said it.
There’s no reason for me to be lying, and I’m not. ”
“I don’t mean to sound like a broken record, but I just don’t know how to trust you about any of this.
I trusted you so completely, and yet you took that trust and tossed it against the bungalow walls and left it shattered all over the floors.
I can’t think of any ulterior motives for you to be here, but I also can’t just forget how I felt when I woke up without you. ”
Panic flared up inside me. I hadn’t thought this would be easy, but I also still hadn’t quite realized the extent of the damage I’d caused to our relationship.
“There’s nothing I can say that will make you trust me again, but if you’ll let me, I’ll spend every day for the rest of my life proving it to you.”
“The rest of your life?” Her eyes flew wide open. “Are you?—”
“No.” I laughed softly, closing my eyes as I wound a hand into her hair again. “I’m not proposing. I would if I thought it would help convince you of how serious I am, but I don’t think it would, and I’m not fucking up again, Lindsay.”
Her chest deflated against mine as she let out a relieved sigh. “Thank God.”
“I will tell you this, though. You’re the only woman I want. I am going to marry you one day if you’ll have me. I promise that by the time I ask, you’ll know with every fiber of your being how much I love you and I would rather die before I hurt you again.”
“Die? That’s a little dramatic.” The slight lightness in her tone sparked the kind of hope in my chest that I’d never felt before.
“It might be dramatic, but it’s also true.
I might not be asking you to marry me, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not making promises I intend on keeping.
I will love you for the rest of my life, even though I’m not putting a ring on your finger tonight.
I’m yours, Linds. What you do with me is up to you, but it doesn’t make me any less yours. ”
When she pulled away, I thought it was over. I thought she was about to tell me that my five minutes were up and to get the fuck out of her office. But then she looked up at me, and my knees damn near buckled in relief.
“It might only have been a week, Jaxon. I know some people will think that we’re crazy or infatuated or maybe even that we’re just plain stupid, but I love you too.”
My heart swelled to three times its normal size, but she wasn’t done yet. She planted her palms over my chest, one of them directly over the organ that felt like it was only beating for her now.
“I wasn’t ready to admit that was what I was feeling back on the island either, but I planned on talking to you that morning. I wanted to tell you that my feelings were real and to ask if you felt the same way.”
I groaned. “Fuck. I’m such an idiot. I could’ve saved us both so much fucking heartache if I’d stayed for that conversation.”
“Maybe, but like you said, the time apart really did put things in perspective. You are an idiot, though. I’m just thankful that you’re my idiot.”
“All yours, Linds. Forever. If people think that makes me crazy, they can all go fuck themselves.”
“Eloquently put, as always.” She trembled in my arms and I froze, again thinking that she was crying until I looked down and realized she was laughing. “This time, however, I agree with you completely. I don’t care what anyone else thinks.”
“The time we spent apart might have helped put things in perspective, but I’m pretty done with that now. I never want to be away from you ever again.”
“That might prove to be a little difficult, considering we’ve both got jobs to do and yours requires you being away all the time.”
“Yeah.” I lowered my head and nuzzled her neck. “I’ve been thinking about that, and I have a plan. I’m too young to retire as a pilot, but?—”
“I’d never ask you to do that. I was just teasing.” She pressed a kiss to my chest. “I know this thing in here would wither up if you had to stop flying.”
“The only thing that would make it wither up would be losing you.” I said it without any hesitation whatsoever.
“There’s a position available as a senior ground instructor.
I’ve already discussed it with Steve, and he’s agreed to letting me split my time between flying and instructing.
They’ve been on my ass about teaching for a while actually. ”
“That’s funny. I thought my department was responsible for appointing people to available positions.
” She smiled. “Luckily, you know someone in HR who knows you’ll be perfect for the job.
I’ll be sure to put in a good word for you, even if I won’t be able to handle the appointment myself. Conflict of interest and all.”
“Why do you have a conflict?” I asked, my grin already spreading.
She shrugged, her eyes shining as she looked up into mine. “I can’t exactly appoint my boyfriend who swept me off my feet in every way imaginable, now can I?”
“Boyfriend?” I asked the question with my mouth so close to hers that our lips were brushing when they moved.
“Boyfriend,” she said decisively. “Possibly future husband if he plays his cards right.”
“I like the sound of that.” Realizing for the first time since the conversation started that we were still standing in the hallway outside her office, I curled my hands around hers on my chest and cocked my head.
“Since we’ve established that I don’t want to be away from you for longer than strictly necessary for us to do our jobs, are we going to your place or mine? ”
“Mine,” she whispered. “We can figure the rest out later.”