Chapter 23
NATALIE
Iprobably should have been a little more resolute in my conviction to stay away from Hudson. But dammit, he showed up and I couldn’t say no. I didn’t blame him for the trouble he was dealing with. I just wanted to help. Unfortunately, I didn’t know how to help.
“Where are we going?” I asked.
He was holding my hand and leading me to work. I wasn’t really planning on working today. “I want to do something with you.”
“Hudson, we already did that,” I said, laughing.
“Not that, but if that’s on the table, I’m not going to dismiss it,” he replied.
We walked down the dock toward the end of the row of slips. “This is yours, right?” he asked.
“It’s one of my designs,” I answered. “It’s for sale after a deal fell through.”
“So, technically you and the business own it?”
“Yes,” I said, nodding.
“Good. Let’s go for a cruise.”
“Uh, no.”
“Please?” he asked. “There is a lot I’d like to talk to you about.
I know the kind of trauma I’m dealing with.
I suspect your fear to get on a boat is because of your trauma.
You said you wanted to help. I would like to help you as well.
I was thinking we could help each other. Let’s tackle this together.”
“I can’t,” I said with a shake of my head. “I don’t want to.”
“And I don’t want to talk about the shit that’s been plaguing me,” he replied.
“Touché,” I said with a soft smile.
“You trusted me once,” he said. “Trust me again. Nothing will happen to you. There are lifejackets, I’m assuming. And unless I’m completely unconscious, I will save you.”
“I know you think you will, but shit happens,” I said. “Even the best swimmers can drown. If the boat capsizes and knocks us both out and knocks me into the water, you might not be able to find me.”
“You designed this boat,” he said. “You helped build it, right?”
“Yes, but—”
“No.” He shook his head. “You can come up with a million different scenarios about what might happen. The dock we’re standing on could sink.
A meteor could fall from the sky and take us out.
There might be some other freak accident that takes us out.
There is risk to living. You do what you can to mitigate the risk, but you don’t stop living. You can’t.”
“That’s a lot easier said than done,” I countered.
“I know,” he said, nodding. “Just like you telling me I need to talk about it and work through it.”
He was making some very valid points that seemed to be putting me in my place left and right. “I’m not sure it’s the same.”
“Doesn’t have to be the same, but we both have some baggage, wouldn’t you say?”
“Yes,” I agreed.
“I remember you being a fish when you were younger,” he said, smiling. “You were always dragging Hux to the water or out on the boat with your dad. He loved it. I remember when our families would get together on that one boat your dad had before he got the little Catalina.”
The memory hurt. “I remember too.”
“You loved it. Don’t deprive yourself of something you love because fear is standing in your way. What happened to your father was a freak accident. He wouldn’t want you to stop doing something you love. You of all people should understand how short life is. Don’t hold back.”
I was terrified, but everything he was saying was true. I had told myself the same thing a million times. “Hudson,” I groaned.
“While you sail, I’ll tell you about the dream,” he said. “Gus thinks talking about it might help me get rid of it in a way. I’ll never be completely free of it, but it’ll see the light of day and be a lot less burdensome.”
I wanted to help him. “Fine. I’ll try.”
His face lit up. “Really?”
“Don’t wait or I might change my mind.”
Once again, he helped me onto the vessel.
Before I moved away from the side of the boat, he handed me a lifejacket.
I quickly snapped it on and felt slightly better.
Prior to my father’s drowning, I rarely wore a lifejacket when we were on the water.
At least, not with my dad, but if Mom was around, I had to.
I used to be an excellent swimmer. And back then I had been young and invincible.
I never imagined death could cloud my life.
My dad was also an amazing swimmer. It didn’t save him from drowning in a freak storm.
“Let’s move away from the edge,” Hudson said gently. “That makes me nervous.”
He was right. I was more likely to faint and fall in if I continued to stand on the edge. The wake could knock me in. “Right,” I said, nodding. “Of course.”
This particular model had a ship’s wheel.
I took my position at the wheel and got used to the feel of it in my hands.
It was like riding a bike. I remembered the feel.
I knew what to do. It felt natural. With his help, we were able to get out to the open water.
The fear I had been feeling started to ebb.
I still had a white-knuckle grip on the wheel, but I wasn’t nearly as terrified as I had been.
“How do you feel?” Hudson asked.
“I don’t know.”
“Do you feel free?” he asked as he stood beside me.
“I’m not sure I would say free,” I said. “I don’t know, it’s weird. It’s strange to be here. Part of me keeps thinking this is another one of those dreams I’m going to wake up from soon.”
“It’s not a dream,” he said. His hand rested against the small of my back. The man had a knack for making me feel safe. I was nervous, but I wasn’t necessarily scared.
“So, we’re out here, conquering fears and all that,” I joked. “Are you ready to conquer yours?”
“I guess I knew that was coming.”
“You got me out here. I used to be a good swimmer, but I don’t think I can make it back to land. So, I’m out here facing my fears. It’s time for you to face yours.”
He was quiet for so long I thought maybe he wasn’t going to tell me. If he wanted to go back on the deal, there was little I could do.
“You were right,” he said in a deep voice. “It was a nightmare, but it was a nightmare born of the truth. So, a memory. It’s just one of many, but I think it bothers me the most because it was the first time I lost someone.”
I wasn’t sure if I should say a word. What did one say in a moment like that? I chose to say nothing.
“I was still pretty green,” he said. “It was only our second mission. It was supposed to be fairly simple. We were going in to rescue some hostages. We got the hostages out, but things went sideways. A couple guys from our team moved with the hostages while me and a few of the guys hung back to cover their exit. Two of our guys got pinned down. I guess we were all pinned. We were taking fire. It was only going to get worse. I made a call. We were going to lay down cover fire so our two guys could get out. Murray—”
The way he said the name told me there was a connection. I could hear the pain in his voice. I reached out and touched his hand. It was all I could do to let him know I was listening. I heard him. I heard the pain.
He cleared his throat. “They had to cross the road. It was less than twenty feet. Murray got hit almost immediately. I didn’t realize what happened—until I saw him lying in the road.
We don’t leave anyone behind. I wanted to pull him out of the road.
My team told me he was dead, but I convinced myself he moved.
I convinced myself he was playing dead to avoid getting hit again.
I came up with some stupid idea to get him.
When the others wouldn’t do what I wanted, I ran into the road to grab him.
I grabbed him and started to pull. I got hit.
Apparently, I got hit earlier. I just didn’t realize it.
It was all a blur. I had Murray, and then someone had me.
I let go of him. I fought like hell to go back for him, but they dragged me away. ”
My heart was racing just listening to his story. He was saying it without any emotion. It was like he was telling the story from the third person. Like he didn’t live it.
“You were hit?” I managed to get out.
“I was,” he said. “Three times.”
“Wow. I’m sorry. Go ahead. What happened?”
“It was a bit of a rough go, but they got me to a hospital. They had to send in another team to extract Murray.”
“Did he make it?” I asked. I had a feeling I already knew the answer.
“No. They were right. He was shot in the head. He was dead before he hit the ground. I put my team at risk because I didn’t want to listen to them. I nearly got myself killed.”
“You were shot.” The words felt foreign on my tongue. Those were not normal words. “Where?”
“Arm, leg, and head.”
My eyes widened. “What? Your head?”
He chuckled. “That wasn’t even the worst one. My helmet stopped the bullet for the most part. It gave me a concussion and scrambled my brains. It was the arm that almost killed me. The bullet nicked an artery. Thankfully, my team was smart enough to put a tourniquet on.”
It took me a minute to digest everything he was telling me. He had nearly been killed. The fact he was standing here was nothing short of a miracle. My heart felt like it was going to explode. To think he might not be here today was too horrible to think about.
“And you are reliving that moment,” I said softly.
“Yes,” he said, nodding. “It was a long time ago. I haven’t had the nightmares in a long time. I don’t know what brought it on.”
“Did you know him well?” I asked. “Murray.”
“I did,” he said on a sigh. “He was one of the guys I had risen through the ranks with. I don’t know if it would have been any different if it was one of the other guys.
It just sucked. I thought I was over it.
At least as much as I could be. I managed to get out of the hospital in time to meet him back home.
They weren’t going to let me out, but I had to be here to bring him home. ”
“Is he buried somewhere local?” I asked.
“No. His family is in Arizona. That’s where he was laid to rest.”
“Maybe you need to visit him,” I offered. “I’m sure you’ve got the money for a plane ticket. Hux and I can keep an eye on the guys at the shop. You need to take some time.”
“I don’t want to do that,” he said. “I visited him once when I was on leave. I said what I needed to say.”
“Are you sure?” I asked. “Maybe you have unfinished business.”
“I think our business is finished,” he said. “It’s not as bad as it seemed this morning. I know that sounds like another excuse, but I swear, this is new. I haven’t had anything like this, not since it happened.”
“Is it always the same dream?” I asked.
“No. But recently, yes.”
“There are other, uh, incidents?” I questioned gently.
“There are, but by the time those happened, I was more battle hardened, I guess. It didn’t hit as hard as it did with Murray. I think I almost expected it.”
“You lost more guys?” I asked.
“No. Thankfully, no.”
“Were you shot again?” I asked.
He smiled and shook his head. “No. Was almost blown up once, but it didn’t get me. There was a helicopter crash, but we all made it out okay.”
“Holy shit,” I gasped. “It’s no wonder you have nightmares. Any normal person would.”
“I am normal,” he insisted. “I’ve had a couple bad dreams, but I swear, I’m not normally like this. I’ll be okay. I’ll get through this. I don’t know if I need time or what, but I don’t want to lose you from my life.”
“I understand,” I said. “Thank you for telling me.”
“You’re welcome. You know, this is really nice. I like it out here. It’s been too long since I’ve been sailing—just sailing. This might be good for me.”
He walked away and stared out at the water. I didn’t disturb him. The man had a lot to think about.
My dad used to say being on the water was the best place to think. I didn’t know what to think about Hudson, but I cared about him.
I was out on a boat on the open water, and instead of focusing on myself, all I could think about was helping him.