Chapter 24
HUDSON
It helped. Talking to her made me feel a little better. Carrying Murray’s death all these years was far more taxing than I thought it was. It was just something I lived with. I never paid attention to those feelings that were always just below the surface.
I slowly turned and took in the sight of her standing behind the large ship’s wheel.
Her hair was loose and blowing in the cool breeze.
There was a pop of color on her cheeks. She looked happy and at peace.
And, of course, gorgeous. She was right where she was supposed to be. She belonged on the water.
“What do you think?” I asked her.
“About?”
“Being out here,” I said, smiling. “You’re sailing. You’re on the water. How are you feeling?”
She took a deep breath with both hands still on the wheel. “I’m feeling a lot of things. It’s hard to pinpoint it.”
“Are you afraid?” I asked.
“I don’t know if it’s fear I feel,” she replied. “There’s this coil in my stomach. It feels like a spring. Any moment things might get crazy.”
“Anxiety?” I guessed.
“Maybe. I’m glad you told me about your dream. That’s what I’m focused on.”
“How so?”
“I just think about what you lived through and you’re here,” she said. “You’re functioning, and despite the nightmare, you’re still in good shape.”
I chuckled at the idea. “I’m not sure that’s accurate.”
“I’m sorry I freaked out on you this morning,” she said. “I was worried. I know you’re not sleeping. I didn’t want to make you feel bad or worry you. But I was afraid I would make things worse.”
“How would you possibly make it worse?” I asked.
“What if I would have slept through the restless nightmare? What if you would have accidentally hit me?”
I flinched. The idea killed me. It tore at my soul to think I could ever hurt her. “That would have been bad,” I agreed. “I can’t even think about that. I honestly don’t know what I would have done had I hurt you.”
“I know,” she said with a soft smile. “I know you would never intentionally do it. You weren’t swinging, but you were clearly upset and fighting something.
Even a person that has never been through what you have is prone to lashing out in their sleep.
You’re just a bigger guy trained to kill with a paperclip. ”
She was trying to add humor to the situation, which I appreciated. I was a little embarrassed by the situation. “More like a thumbtack,” I joked.
“I hope you know I wasn’t trying to make you feel bad,” she said.
“I know. I get it. I’m sorry I was so short. I was embarrassed. Humiliated and ashamed.”
“No!” She reached out and grabbed my arm. “Don’t be. That was not my intention. I only wanted to bring your attention to what was happening.”
I scoffed. “Trust me, I know. I wake up on the floor or choking myself with the bed sheet.”
“Guess it’s a good thing you’re not in a real bed,” she said. “You knock that noggin again and it’s hard to say what might happen.”
“No shit,” I muttered.
“I think there might be some water in the fridge downstairs,” she said. “We usually keep water on board in case someone wants to take it out for a test run.”
“Yeah, it’s hotter than shit today,” I complained. “I thought we were done with the heat.”
“Apparently not,” she said, laughing.
I went below deck, admiring the space with a couch on one side and a narrow door on the other side that led to a bedroom.
I pulled open the fridge and removed two bottles of water.
It had been a while since I’d been on a boat.
An actual boat, not a ship. I could see myself spending a week or so sailing down the coast with Natalie.
We would have total privacy. It would be just the two of us.
No noise. No people. Just the two of us.
I carried the waters back upstairs. She looked a little more relaxed. I hoped the longer we were out, the more comfortable she felt. “Here you go.” I handed her a bottle.
“Thanks.”
She sucked down some water before putting the bottle in the little cupholder on the side of the wheel.
“Look at that,” I said with a small laugh.
“Look at what?” she asked.
“You’re a natural,” I said with a shrug. “You belong there. You’re sailing, Nat. You’re sailing!”
I threw an arm around her and hugged her against my body before dropping a kiss on the side of her head. I was so happy for her. She had just conquered something huge. She had to be feeling like a giant. She was stiff, telling me she was still a little anxious. It was understandable.
“I’m sailing,” she said. “I think I’m still in shock. I’m standing here at the wheel. The boat is performing just like I designed. It’s so easy and smooth. It’s perfect.”
“It is perfect.”
“Why hasn’t this sold yet?” she asked. “Seriously, this is an amazing sailboat!”
I had to laugh. “It is. Feel like you want to take that lifejacket off?”
“No.”
“Okay, okay,” I said and moved away from her once again.
The boat glided across the smooth water. It was a beautiful day with very few clouds in the sky, which explained why it was so damn hot. I stared out at the sea of blue and had a thought. Why in the hell was I standing here burning under the hot sun?
“Can we put down anchor here?” I asked.
“What? Why?”
“I want to go for a swim,” I replied. “It’s hot. We should take advantage of the calm water and the absence of anyone else out here.”
She was shaking her head. “I don’t know. It could get bad.”
“Babe, look at the sky. Remember all that knowledge you have stashed somewhere in that beautiful brain. You know how to read the sky. Feel the air. There isn’t going to be a storm, at least not for the next several hours. Check your phone. Look at the radar. Use the tools you have.”
She looked up at the sky and then to the horizon that seemed to be at the edge of the world. “I’ll drop anchor.”
I grinned and pulled off my shirt before kicking off my shoes. “You might want to look away if you’re prone to blushing.”
“What are you doing?” she asked with horror.
“I’m going swimming,” I said and unbuttoned my shorts. I hooked my fingers in my briefs. “This is the part where you might want to look away.”
“You’re going in naked?” she gasped.
“I don’t want to have to wear wet underwear,” I said. “I’ll chafe. Trust me, I don’t need chafed balls.”
I realized that might have been just a little too much information. I was used to hanging out with guys. Guys that would understand just how bad sack rack could be.
“I—” She looked away flustered.
I laughed and stripped out of my briefs. “Trust me, if you’ve never been swimming naked, you’re missing out. It is the ultimate in freedom. Zero restrictions. It’s all about living footloose and fancy free.”
“Naked,” she hissed. “We’re not that alone. There are boats everywhere. You might not be able to see them right now, but we’re not all that alone.”
“I’ll be in the water,” I replied. “You should join me.”
I stepped to the edge, and without hesitation, I dove in headfirst. The water washed over my naked body. The bubbles as I descended tickled my face and skin. I swam away from the boat before popping my head up. I shook my head and wiped the saltwater from my face before looking toward the boat.
She was standing with her hands on her hips. “I cannot believe you did that. I didn’t even set the anchor yet.”
“I wasn’t worried you would leave me behind,” I said, laughing. “You’re missing out. You should come in.”
“I don’t think so,” she said with a grimace. “I’m on the boat in the water. I think that’s pushing me far enough for one day. It’s been twenty years since I’ve been in the water. I don’t even go in the hot tub.”
“You could wear the lifejacket,” I offered.
“I suppose you think I should swim naked,” she said.
“You can swim fully dressed,” I replied. “Whatever you’re most comfortable doing. Just know, you’ll be stuck in wet, clingy clothes on the trip back to the dock. I would bet with that pale blue shirt, it’s going to give one hell of a peep show.”
“You’re assuming I’m getting in the water,” she shot back.
“You won’t regret it,” I said. “You’re going to feel like a whole new woman.”
“I already do,” she shot back. “I’m on a boat.”
I leaned my head back with my arms spread out. “This is such an amazing feeling. I wish I could swim all day. I just want to float away.”
“You do look like you’re enjoying yourself,” she said.
I looked up to find her smiling at me. “I am, but I would enjoy it more if you were with me.”
“It’s tempting, but I don’t know.” She gnawed on her lower lip. Her eyes scanned the water. “I guess it’s pretty silly to ask how deep it is.”
I laughed. “I don’t think I’m going to find out without a scuba kit.”
I could see her weighing the options. I knew she wanted to get in.
That inner mermaid was begging to return to the sea.
It was scary. I could admit that. Few people would be okay with jumping overboard and into the wide-open water.
But I remembered Natalie as being one of those few people who would jump overboard.
She wouldn’t have thought twice about it.
The boat bobbed up and down on the gentle water with her in serious contemplation.
I wasn’t going to pressure her to do it.
If it was too much, it was too much. She’d already taken some big strides today.
We both had. I truly felt free for the first time in a while.
The water made me buoyant after telling her about Murray.
Unfortunately, it was just one of the many burdens I carried around on my shoulders.
I turned and dove under the surface once again.