Chapter 41
NATALIE
As soon as I was out of his sight, I pulled to the side of the road and stopped for a minute. My heart was twisted up in my guts. Truthfully, I was still in shock. And cold.
I wiped my tears and tried to get my emotions under control.
I couldn’t believe he’d thrown me out. It was still dark.
The streets were empty. It had apparently rained at some point in the night.
I turned on my windshield wipers to wipe away the water droplets clinging to the windshield.
I wished I had an internal wiper. I wanted to wipe away all of it.
I didn’t know if I wanted to wipe away everything between us or just tonight.
I took a couple deep breaths and got my head straight before pulling back onto the road and driving home. The last thing I wanted to do was to have a cop pull up to see if I was okay. I was not dressed for a cop encounter.
I grabbed my things and trekked across the cold pavement. Weird, because I couldn’t remember feeling the cold sidewalk when I left his apartment. I had truly been numb. Now that the shock from being thrown out in the wee hours of the morning was easing, I was faced with a new round of shock.
The violence did trouble me. I told him it didn’t, but it had scared the shit out of me. I had no idea what to do in the moment. For a flash of a second, I thought he might actually hurt me. The horror of that thought was going to haunt me for quite some time.
I shivered from the cold. Knowing it would be impossible for me to sleep, I ran a hot bath.
I wanted to soak in the heat and some of my favorite bubbles.
I lit my lavender candle, dumped in a healthy amount of the lavender bubble bath, and stripped out of the pajamas.
I sank into the hot water and inhaled the calming scent of the lavender.
At least it was supposed to calm a person down.
It was something my mom had encouraged me to try a long time ago when the anxiety got really bad.
I wasn’t sure it really worked, but if there was even a chance, I was going to do it.
I closed my eyes and rested my head against the inflatable pillow.
The look on Hudson’s face when he had my arm in the tight grip kept flashing through my head.
His eyes were so dark. I knew he wasn’t really looking at me in that moment.
The man could be very intimidating with little effort.
He was a strong man. The deadness in his eyes made him look inhuman.
I wondered if that was the look he had on his face when he faced off against the many enemies he’d encountered during his life.
I lifted my arm from under the bubbles. I wiped away the bubbles and stared at the arm he’d been squeezing so tight. The redness had faded, just like I told him it would. A couple of faint bruises were forming, but it wasn’t horrible.
I had no idea how I could ever convince him I wasn’t afraid of him.
I could never be truly afraid of him. In the moment, there had been some fear, but it was mostly because it was such a shock.
While I was crushed to have lost him after only having him a short while, my heart hurt more for him.
I knew he was a strong, capable man, but everyone needed someone.
It wasn’t arrogant to believe I was an important part of his life.
I knew I was. We didn’t tell each other our deepest, darkest secrets, but I was someone to lean on.
I was a warm body to be there for him, even if we weren’t talking. I was a security blanket of sorts.
“What happens now?”
What would he do? Would he be okay? Would he spiral down a deep, dark hole? How was I supposed to see him every day at the shop? Seeing him and not being able to steal a kiss or have him want to reach out and touch me was going to be brutally painful.
This was why workplace romances were such a bad idea. Now, I had to deal with seeing the man I felt deeply for and know he didn’t want me around. That cut deep. There was no way it wouldn’t be awkward. I would be hiding in my office a lot. I couldn’t face him.
“Shit. Hux.”
I needed to tell Hux. Hudson needed someone to be there for him, whether he thought he needed it or not. He needed his brother and sister now more than ever.
I got out of the tub and dried off. My wrist was a little tender, but I would never tell him that. He didn’t need to know.
After making a cup of coffee and some toast, I sat down in my house that was too quiet.
Oddly enough, I could feel him around me.
He’d spent a lot of time here the last couple of weeks.
I could smell him. How in the hell was I supposed to just pick up and move on?
I had never felt like this about anyone before.
My mind drifted back to the schoolgirl crush I had on Hudson over twenty years ago.
Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined I would actually be with him.
They always said never meet your idols. I wouldn’t call Hudson my idol, but he was a man I looked up to.
I admired him. He was good, even if he couldn’t see it.
I wallowed in the memories of our childhood together for a while before deciding to call Hux.
Normally, I would have called Hux right when it happened.
I would have poured my heart out and he would have commiserated with me.
We would have talked about how awful the piece of shit guy was that threw me out in my pajamas in the middle of the night.
Unfortunately, it wasn’t quite so easy to do that when I was dealing with a brother situation. I knew Hux idolized his brother. I didn’t want to tarnish that image of him. But Hux would want to know.
“Hello,” he answered with sleep in his voice.
“Did I wake you up?” I asked. That was an obvious answer, but it seemed like the right thing to say.
“What time is it?” he groaned.
“Uh, six-ish,” I answered.
“Why in the hell are you calling me at six in the morning?” he complained. “I’m sleeping.”
“Because I need to talk to you,” I said.
“Right now? I thought you guys were having some romantic night together. Why aren’t you in bed?”
“Because he threw me out of his apartment a couple hours ago,” I said, sighing. “After he nearly killed me.”
“He what?” He was awake now. “You’re hurt?”
“I’m fine,” I said.
“What happened? Where are you?”
“I’m at home,” I said.
“He kicked you out?” he questioned. “Like actually kicked you out, or you left?”
“He didn’t physically kick me out, but he was close to it,” I said.
“Fuck. Dammit. I’ll be there in fifteen.”
The line went dead before I could tell him he didn’t need to rush over. I figured I better put some clothes on for the coming conversation. I pulled on a pair of sweats and a hoodie. I didn’t care that I looked rough. How was a girl supposed to look after the morning I had?
Hux showed up just under fifteen minutes. “I need coffee,” he said and walked straight to my coffeemaker. He popped a pod in and then turned to look at me. “You look like hell.”
“Thanks.”
“What the hell happened?”
I took a deep breath. “He had a nightmare. I did just like the experts said. I got out of bed and put some distance between us. I turned on a light and called his name a few times. I spoke to him calmly and assured him he was home and everything was okay. He wouldn’t wake up.
I moved to the other side of the bed, still out of his reach.
Unfortunately, they don’t tell you these guys are faster than ninjas. ”
“Did he hurt you?” he asked.
“No. Not really.”
“What does that mean?”
“He didn’t hurt me,” I answered. “He had my arm and was squeezing and twisting but I’m okay. I shouted at him, but he wasn’t hearing me. I had to slap him across the face to wake him up.”
“Fuck,” he hissed. “Shit. And Hudson? Does he know what he did?”
“Yes,” I said, nodding. “He feels awful. You can’t be upset with him for what he did when he wasn’t even awake.”
“Why did he throw you out?” He turned to grab the cup of coffee and helped himself to the creamer I kept in the fridge. “Were you pissed at him for what he did? I wouldn’t blame you if you were.”
“No! Absolutely not! He threw me out because he said he was too dangerous. It’s a bullshit excuse, Hux.”
He sighed and sipped his coffee. “He threw you out because he was afraid he would hurt you.”
“Yes, but I think I can decide if I’m scared or not. I know better now. I’ll stay back.”
“I don’t know, Nat,” he said. “I think I’m going to have to side with Hudson on this one.”
“Hux! No! He needs me! I’m not afraid of him. He would never hurt anyone.”
He raised an eyebrow. “He’s having these nightmares because he hurt people and people hurt him.”
“That was his old life. He’s not that man anymore. He’s trying to build a life for himself here. That’s what we want for him.”
“Yes, but do you know what it would do to him if he truly hurt you?” he asked. “It would kill him, Nat. It would send him over a dark cliff. I don’t think we would ever get him back.”
“So, you think we shouldn’t see each other anymore?” I folded my arms across my chest and glared at him.
“No, but I think it’s a good idea for him to keep working through the PTSD. You are helping him, but you can’t put yourself in jeopardy. This is something he might need to do by himself. If it’s only happening at night, then maybe you should cease the overnights for a while.”
“That’s what I said, but he completely broke it off,” I said. “He acted like he never wanted to see or talk to me again. He’s trying to save me from him, but I don’t need to be saved. I’m a big girl. I understand the risk.”
“Natalie, you’re being just a little ridiculous here,” he said.
“Hudson needs some time. I doubt he is completely cutting you out of his life. You two can still do that stuff you do without you staying the night. I don’t want to discuss details, but if that’s what you’re worried about missing out on, trust me, Hudson is going to be more than happy to satisfy your needs. ”
I rolled my eyes. “It’s not about the sex.”
“Gross. Don’t say the word.”
“Grow up,” I shot back. “It’s not just sex. I truly care about him. I understand I might need to avoid sleepovers, but I don’t want to lose him altogether.”
“You won’t,” he said. “I’ll talk to him. I’m sure he was just really freaked out. He’ll calm down and be rational.”
“He was really serious, Hux. I think he would have carried my ass out of his apartment if I didn’t leave on my own two feet. How am I supposed to look at him on Monday? How are we supposed to work together if he doesn’t want to see me? I don’t want to make this any harder on him.”
“Why don’t you take a couple days off?” he said. “If you want, you can work from here. I’ll talk to Hudson and we’ll figure this out.”
“I’m worried about him,” I said quietly.
“I know. Me too. I’ll talk to him. You just told me he was doing so much better. This is a minor hiccup. We’ll get him back on the right track.”
I wiped the tears that had silently been rolling down my cheeks. “Okay.”