Chapter 42
HUDSON
Icarried the basket of clean clothes back into my apartment.
I was doing my best to stay busy. Laundry and the dishes from last night weren’t enough.
I texted Bernie at the search and rescue to let him know my plans had changed and I was available should the need arise.
Someone else could take the weekend off.
Again, I felt a little macabre hoping someone would get lost and need me to save them. I needed to feel useful.
“Hudson,” I heard Hux call out.
“Come in,” I said.
He opened the door and nodded as he looked around my apartment. “Shit, it looks like someone lives here.”
“I wonder why. You know, most people knock on the door. Unless something has changed during my time overseas, I believe that is the traditional way to ask for entry into someone’s home.”
“I saw you come in,” he said. “I called your name, but you ignored me.”
“Didn’t hear you. I suppose you’re here because of Nat.”
“Yep,” he said, nodding. “What the hell?”
“Which part?” I asked with a sigh. I grabbed two sodas from the fridge and tossed one at him. “I’m sure she told you what happened. All of it was fucked.”
“She told me enough,” he said.
“Is she okay?” I asked.
“She’s fine.”
“Don’t lie,” I warned.
“She has one tiny little bruise, but Nat always bruises super easy. You could look at her wrong and she would bruise.”
“Fuck,” I hissed. “I knew it.”
“You didn’t have to put her out in the cold,” he lectured. “She said she offered to sleep on the couch. That wasn’t cool.”
“It wasn’t cool I laid hands on her,” I countered.
“And there was a good reason for that,” he said. “You and I both know it. So does she. She isn’t mad at you for that. She’s a little pissed at you for tossing her out in the cold, but she’ll get over it.”
“I had to make her leave,” I said. “You have to understand that.”
“I understand why you thought it was for the best,” he said, nodding. “She does as well. Now that you’ve had some time to calm down and process, I think you two should talk.”
“There’s nothing to say,” I told him. “Natalie is going to tell me it’s okay and she wants to be with me. She’ll say it’s her decision and blah, blah, blah.”
He smirked. “You do know her pretty well.”
“Yeah, I do. I also know she deserves better than I have to offer. I can’t promise it won’t happen again.
I can’t promise it won’t be worse the next time.
Do you know what that does to a man? To know I could inadvertently hurt someone I care a great deal about?
I have always been in control of everything in my life.
I ran missions. I decided how far we ran in PT.
I decided when we hit the hay. I have always lived by rules and a code.
Out here, I don’t know who I am. Am I the guy that kicks the shit out of his girlfriend in the middle of the night because he’s out of control?
I can’t be that guy, Hux. You have to understand that.
I cannot be someone who hurts an innocent woman whose only mistake was getting too close to me. ”
He nodded with understanding. “I get it. I do. I think you have a lot to work through. You’re not permanently damaged.
This will get better. I have no doubt in my mind you are going to find a way to work through this.
She knows that as well. She’s willing to wait but you have to talk to her and let her know you aren’t totally through with her. ”
“I have to be,” I said.
“No, you don’t. Relationships take work no matter what the situation.
Your relationship with her is going to take a little more work than the average one, but trust me, Nat is one of the few women that can put in the work.
She’s not going to give up on you and she would never turn her back on you.
She’s loyal to a fault. You can trust her with anything.
She wouldn’t even tell me your secrets. Don’t let that get away from you. ”
“Natalie is looking for a white knight,” I said.
“I’m not him. She wants the whole fairytale with kids and growing old together.
I’m not sure I can ever be that guy. She doesn’t need a guy that might fly off the handle because someone looked at him funny.
The father of her kids can’t be a loose cannon.
What kind of father would I be if my kids can’t be in the same room with me when I’m asleep?
What if I fall asleep on the couch for a quick nap and one of the kids startles me? ”
I saw the pity in his eyes, and it made me sick. I was not to be pitied.
“You are getting way ahead of yourself,” he said.
“You are taking today and assuming this is your entire future. You’re going to counseling.
You’re not doing that to stay right where you are.
You’re doing it so you can work through this.
You’re trying to get better. That’s what she’s focused on.
I don’t know what the hell the two of you have been talking about, but kids seems like something you might want to pump the brakes on.
You’ve been together a month. That’s fast.”
“I’m not talking about kids tomorrow, but I don’t know if I’m ever going to be better,” I said.
“I do,” he said, nodding. “I know you will. You’re going to be fine. Give yourself some time. You’re so used to being good at everything, you never had to struggle like the rest of us mortals. This is something that will take a little time to overcome, but you will get over it.”
“I appreciate your confidence, but I’m just not feeling it,” I said.
“I told her to take a couple days off from the shop,” he said. “That’ll give you both some space while this settles down.”
“I’m not going to run her out of her business,” I said. “She has more right to be there than I do.”
“I think a couple days off would be good for her,” he said. “She can work from home if she wants. She doesn’t have to be in the office.”
“Are you sure she’s okay?” I asked.
“She really is fine,” he insisted. “Nat is small, but she’s not a pushover. She builds boats. She’s not the average lady.”
I couldn’t help but smile. “You’ve got that right.”
My phone beeped with a text. I checked it and felt my spirits lift.
“I’ve got to go,” I said and headed for my bedroom to grab my go bag.
I was much more prepared now. I had packed my own gear, stuff I was familiar with and knew would be useful in a search and rescue mission.
I jerked my shirt over my head and pulled on the long-sleeved shirt made with a wicking material that would keep my skin dry. It was what I wore on missions.
“Where are you going?” Hux asked.
“Got a rescue,” I replied. “Eight-year-old kid lost.”
“Shit,” he said. “Go.”
I was already out the door with the expectation Hux would lock up for me. I drove straight to headquarters, listened to the briefing, and was put in charge of the team headed into the forest to find the boy.
The situation wasn’t nearly as dire as the young couple perceived, in my opinion. The weather was decent, and we had plenty of daylight to work with. Bernie was getting a drone operator to put his eyes in the sky.
“Here!” A frantic woman waved at us when the UTV approached a group of people on the edge of the road. “Find my son!”
“That’s what we’re going to do,” I assured her. “Bernie is going to be here soon. He’s the chief. We’ll be radioing in to him with regular updates. You do your best to stay calm. Drink some water and have a seat.”
I knew it was pointless to tell a terrified mother to relax, but I did it anyway.
My group of four set out, looking for any sign of the boy.
It was a little tough to find signs of his direction.
The group had searched for him for an hour before calling for help.
The area was trampled. Our usual clues were destroyed.
“Sam!” I called out. “Sam, call out if you can hear us!”
“I think I heard something,” one of the guys said.
We all stopped and listened.
“Help!” a small voice to the east called out.
“Let’s go,” I said. We jogged, while watching our step through the trees.
I was the first one to the boy. He was sitting on a downed log with mud on his face and hands. Trails of skin were visible under the mud from his tears. “Hey, buddy,” I said and knelt in front of him. “My name is Hudson. I bet your name is Sam.”
The boy nodded. “I lost my shoes in the mud,” he said.
I looked at one bare foot and one in a mud-covered sock. “You sure did. Did you fall down?”
“No. Yes. I was trying to catch a bug. I got stuck in the mud and then I fell.”
“Did you get hurt?”
He shook his head. His wide eyes were taking in the four adults surrounding him. I imagined it was pretty intimidating. “No. I got lost. I can’t find my mom.”
“We know where your mom is,” I said. “Is it cool if I give you a piggyback ride back to her?”
“I’ll take your pack,” one of the guys said.
I shrugged it off and pulled out a bottle of water before handing it over. “Why don’t you get a big drink and then we’ll go?”
Sam nodded while drinking. He downed half the bottle before handing it back. “My mom is going to be so mad at me.”
“I think she’s just going to be happy to see you,” I assured him.
“I lost my school shoes,” he said with a sigh.
“She’s not going to care. She is going to be happy you’re okay.”
I turned around and gestured for him to climb on my back. I stood, hooking my arms under his legs, and off we went. It was a pretty easy rescue but still very rewarding. We delivered the boy to his mom, who declined any medical treatment.
“You’re good with kids,” Bernie said.
I shrugged. “I remember being that age and getting into trouble more than once for doing stupid shit.”
He chuckled and patted me on the back. “Why am I not surprised? Thanks for covering today.”
“I’m glad I was here.”
I went home feeling monumentally better. I was still not convinced I was ever going to be a good dad or a decent husband, but at least I could help out a kid in need.