Chapter 23 #2
I tried to keep my face neutral as I always did in crucial moments, but my heart was pounding.
I knew that with every word I said, I was probably making another enemy.
“Denying the reality of what our neighbors experience will not make us safer. We need to do better. I need to do better, and there is a lot that I have to learn. I don’t think I’ve done the work yet to be the kind of DA this county needs, so today I’m officially withdrawing my candidacy for District Attorney. ”
I sat there smiling woodenly and waiting for my very stunned interviewer to react. After a second, she blinked and finally got with it. “That is a very bold statement, since so far there had been no mention of these incidents. Is your partner all right?”
I smiled at her genuine concern. “He’s not my partner, but yes he is all right.” I was certain the wistfulness in my voice had not gone unnoticed.
She extended her hand and for the first time in the meeting, she gave me a real smile. “Thank you, Easton, for being so honest today. I hope you reconsider your run; I think your point of view will add a lot to the conversation.”
With that, the camera was off my face, indicating we were done.
As I thanked her once again, she gave me a knowing look. “Was the person you were talking about Patrice Denis?”
“What makes you say that?”
She laughed and shook her head, looking a little embarrassed. “Don’t worry, this part is off the record. I’ve just seen you guys around town together, and since he was just stopped recently and said someone intervened, I put two and two together.”
I just nodded, not sure how to respond. “Yeah, I was talking about him. When is this going up?” I asked, wondering how much more time I had before my life got really upended for a few days.
She turned around to look at the kid with the camera. He considered for a moment, his attention still on the laptop in front of him. “It’ll be up by the end of the day.”
I left it at that and walked out of the room, hoping that if my career in the DA’s office went down in flames, that I’d least done the right thing.
Patrice
I was getting my stuff together to leave my office after a particularly brutal grading session, when I saw my phone screen flashing with Ari’s number.
So far things had been calm with him. He’d been mostly staying at Yin’s house for the past week.
The new development to his housing situation was that they’d both be moving to the studio in my building in a couple of days.
The levels of excitement they had for this big step in their relationship, at least on Yin’s side, were reaching rapture-like intensity.
And, of course, my mind went to Easton’s help had really been a game-changer for Ari.
I answered the call, thinking once again that I needed to figure out how to reach out to him.
“Hey—”
He didn’t let me get the full greeting in before screaming into the phone, “Did you see the video?” He was so hyped up, I couldn’t tell if the video was supposed to be a bad or a good thing.
I frowned, wondering if there had been another stop.
I quickly opened another tab on my browser and went to the Ithaca Star’s website since they usually put stuff up really fast, but when I got to the homepage, my heart almost beat out of my chest. There was a video up and the face behind the play icon was none other than Easton’s.
The headline to the article read, Easton Archer Withdraws from DA Race and Speaks about Recent Traffic Stops
I only realized I’d been holding my breath when I heard Ari’s voice calling my name loudly. I shook myself out of the trance I was in and answered, as I tried to read the article at the same time. “Sorry. I was looking at the Star’s website. Easton pulled out of the race?”
“Sounds like it, but you should see the video, Patrice. He talks about you, without giving names, of course,” he said, as if he knew what I’d get hung up on.
“You won’t believe all the stuff he said, I wonder if it’s going to affect his job?
” Ari’s astonishment made me hit play on the video, my heart racing as the camera zoomed in on Easton’s face.
He had smudges under his eyes like he did when he was not getting any sleep, and my heart lurched knowing I was at least partly responsible for that.
I spoke into the phone as the woman in the video introduced Easton. “Ari, let me call you back, okay?”
“Sure P. We’ll talk later.”
I ended the call and increased the volume as she asked the first questions.
With every word he said, the need to go and talk to him, to see him, went from an urge to an absolute need.
By the time he told the interviewer that he hadn’t done the work to be a DA yet, I had my coat on and was slinging my backpack on my shoulder.
When I stepped out into the cold November air, I thought about the things Easton said in that interview, the way he took responsibility for his actions.
He had always done that, owned his mistakes.
I got into my car and set up the phone so that I could listen to the interview one more time.
As I made the short drive to my building, I thought about all the ways that Easton had put himself out on the line in our relationship.
How he stayed hopeful and open even when I told him over and over we could never work.
What Priscilla told me was true, I’d let the fear of letting someone in shut me off from really leaning in to the things that brought me joy.
Even in the moments where I was fully with Easton, I let the dread of wondering when the other shoe would drop steal my happiness.
Now here I was, having probably cheated myself out of something amazing.
I didn’t know if Easton would be up for giving me one more chance.
I would not blame him if he didn’t. But I swore I would not let him spend one more day thinking that he wasn’t enough for me.
By the time I was walking into the elevator, I started wondering if Easton even wanted to see me. Still I made myself move. I took a couple of breaths and I tapped in the code to the penthouse floor, feeling completely unprepared for this conversation.
The elevator for Easton’s place basically left you at his door, in a small hallway.
Stepping out of it, I felt like I was the creepiest fucker on earth.
I stood there like an asshole, in front of his door, deciding between calling him or going back to my place and texting him to ask if it was okay for me to come by.
I must’ve been more pressed than I thought, because Easton’s voice coming from the end of the hallway made me jump like a foot in the air.
“What are you doing here?” I turned to see him walking toward me carrying some folded up cardboard boxes.
“Are you moving?” As soon as the question came out of my mouth, I realized how fucking stupid it was, and by the incredulous look Easton was giving me, it seemed like he was having the same thought.
He paused just beyond the door and gave me an assessing look.
He ran his eyes all over me, but I noticed it wasn’t in the appreciative, flirtatious way he usually did.
This was guarded and very far from the warmth I’d become used to.
He looked at me like I was someone he had to be careful with, and that, more than anything, finally brought home just how badly I squandered the gifts that Easton had openly and generously given me.
That stopped now.
“I won’t say I’m sorry because I’ve already done that and continued to act like a clueless fuckboy. But I do want to say thank you.”
“You don’t have to thank me for anything, Patrice, everything that happened between you and me was out of free will and my desire to be with you.”
He was still holding himself tightly, the boxes in a death grip in his hands, and I wanted to move closer. To take them out of his hands and hold him, touch him for the first time in so many days. But I didn’t want to take anything else from Easton that I was not willing to give right back to him.
I swallowed a couple of times, stuck on the fact that he said “happened.” That he was talking about us as if it was all in the past, and I let myself feel that.
It hurt.
“I do have to thank you. For what you did today, for what you did for me that night.” I shook my head, trying hard to find the right words, the ones Easton needed to hear from me.
“I was humiliated that night. I felt so fucking angry that I had to be in that situation, that these things keep happening. But it was not right to take all that out on you.” I closed my eyes for this last part because I was afraid of what I’d see when I said it.
“Because you were right, I would’ve done the same.
If our roles had been reversed, I would’ve done anything I could to get you out of that situation. ”
When I opened my eyes, I saw him dip his head in acknowledgement, but still his lips were sealed. And then it dawned on me, Easton was no longer open to me. I’d lost that.
I needed to pour my soul out right on this hallway, because for some reason, Easton was still willing to let my sorry ass waste his time. I took one deep breath and lifted my eyes to his face, and made sure he saw exactly how much I needed to tell him this.
“It’s funny. I’ve spent so much energy keeping myself as far away as I could from love that could wound me.
” His eyes widened at my words, but still he did not budge.
Even with my heart pounding out of my chest. “Except you never hurt me like I’ve hurt you.
I let my fears turn me into someone who’s careless with the people he loves.
” I shook my head when he gasped and made myself say, “No, not people, you, with you, the man I love.”