Chapter 23 #3
My head and heart were pounding and my mouth was bone-dry, waiting for a reaction from Easton. His throat moved, and he closed his eyes, the boxes still clutched to his chest.
“Patrice, I understand why you were upset that night. I get it. I just,” he said, moving a little closer to where I was standing, his eyes sad, but there was still just a glimmer of something there that made me hold on to hope.
“I can’t keep getting pushed away every time things go awry.
My parents have made me feel like I wasn’t enough my whole life.
I can’t do that with you, too, no matter how much I love you.
I know that you don’t think you and I could ever be on the same side of the things that you fight for—”
“No,” I said, shaking my head hard, finally getting closer.
“Easton that’s the thing, what’s not possible is for me to do any of this alone.
I’m not in control of any of this. This is not just my fight, to keep doing this, I have to be whole.
I need a partner and I need an ally.” I took a chance and, one by one, placed the boxes on the floor and moved until we were just inches apart, so close I could feel his warmth.
“I need you. You’re not just enough, you’re everything.
” I was gasping for breath at this point.
I felt like I’d put everything on the line.
“I can’t keep getting gutted, Patrice. I can’t.” Even as he said it, he pushed closer, but this time I would not leave him hanging. Never again would I let him think that he was in this alone.
“I talked to Priscilla.” His eyebrows shot up at that, his face completely surprised.
“What, again?”
I almost smiled at how put off he was that his friend didn’t spill the beans.
“Yes, I called her and she told me that I had to stop cheating myself out of joy, that I was letting my baggage not only have my past, but I was letting it rob me now. I don’t want to keep cheating myself.”
He closed his eyes and I counted, holding my breath, one, two, three.
When those green eyes were on me again, they were joined by a hint of a smile.
“You can come inside.” I felt a jolt in my chest like my heart had gotten a jump-start.
I tried to look for anger or resentment, but there was nothing, just that same hopeful smile that Easton always seemed to be able to give me, even when I was sure I didn’t deserve it. “These boxes are for Ari’s move.”
Of course, they were.
“Ah.”
When we got to the living room, we made our way to the couch and Easton kept looking at me in that way that meant that serious conversation was not going to happen for much longer, so I said the rest of what needed to be said.
“Will that interview affect your job?” I asked as I grabbed his hand, unable to stop touching him now that I’d started.
He smiled again and he leaned back on the couch.
“No, Cindy was upset that I pulled out of the race, but she also knows that she should’ve never pushed me into it like that.
And that we all have a lot to answer this community for.
” He sighed, and even though his eyes looked tired, they had a fire in them that I hadn’t seen there before.
“As for the interview, I had to say that, because you were right, that us keeping quiet is not going to make things any better. I have to step up, we all do. Day called me tonight and said he wants to have a meeting and talk about doing anti-racism training with recruits that we’d talked about. ”
I nodded, surprised at the news. “Holy shit, that’s huge.”
“It’s a start.” There was that strong voice that I’d heard only in the courtroom, the one that said, “I will get this done.”
“He wants to work with some community organizations that do this work, ask for their expertise. I was hoping you could help with that, or if you can’t, at least put us in touch with some of the ones you work with.”
“Yeah, of course. I’d be happy to help.”
Instead of answering, he leaned over, grabbed my sweater and pulled me in for a slow and chaste kiss, as if he needed to work himself up to being like we’d been before.
“You could be it for me, Patrice. You know that right?” he told me in a clear, strong voice. Brave as he always was to show me his heart, even when I’d handled it so poorly.
But this time I would not waste another minute, second guessing this enormous gift I’d been given. “I know, you’re it for me. I’ve known it since that day at the Brew and Wine festival last summer.”
He smiled and shook his head as he got close enough to press our foreheads together, “Now, I know that is bullshit, but I appreciate you saying it.”
I smiled again, in that helpless way that only happened with Easton, “It’s true.
I knew it then and I know it now. I’m here, aren’t I?
Like Nesto’s been telling me since I took the Cornell job, I could front like I was here for a million different reasons, but I knew very well that one big one was you. ”
This time, the smile was big and the kiss was long and deep. When we pulled apart, the glint in his eyes looked a lot like my future, “That’s a good place to start.”