Chapter 15
chapter fifteen
priscilla
I’d been about to spill my guts to Juan Pablo. I’d actually been about to suggest that we start hanging out again. But it seems like the universe wasn’t up to seeing me start down the road to self-destruction again, so Patrice and Easton interrupted us just at the right moment.
That had been a couple of hours earlier, and now the party was winding down.
Easton and Patrice had excused themselves and headed out, claiming they had an early start back to Ithaca.
They had to get back because they were leading a community conversation around the school to prison pipeline in Central New York.
I smiled thinking how far those two had come and how the things that seemed destined to tear them apart were now a joint passion.
They’d found common ground and figured out how to build a life together on it.
That line of thinking got me right back to Juan Pablo.
Almost involuntarily, my eyes moved around the room, searching for him.
While I’d been talking to Easton, he’d gone off with Patrice and since then, we’d only caught glimpses of each other.
He was wearing his black diamond studs tonight, with a black turtleneck and fitted jeans.
Black Gucci loafers to match his dad’s brown ones.
Juan Pablo was always out to stunt. I smiled, surprised at the warmth in my chest even that thought brought.
He was a little vain, but he worked hard for that body. Even if his fuckboy tendencies had made me want to kill him on more than one occasion over the years, I had to admit J was damn fine.
“You’re staring, m’ija.” I almost jumped at my mother’s amused voice right behind me.
“Ay, Mamí stop, that’s not very nice.”
She clucked her tongue then moved so she could put her hand in through the crook of my elbow. “Just teasing you a little. He’s been looking at you the same way all night. I wish you kids would just get over yourselves and make up.”
I sighed, feeling defensive and wanting to shove down my own thoughts about finding a way to fix things with Juan Pablo.
I wanted to be a brat and tell my mother that there was no chance anything between J and me could work out ever again.
Because this was part of my issue; sometimes it felt like our relationship was a communal affair.
That everything we did was under a microscope that got passed around to everyone we knew.
It was exhausting, and I didn’t know if it would ever get less so.
“Ma, I don’t have time to get involved with anyone right now. Work is hectic as always, and I have my other projects.”
As soon as I said other projects, my mom’s sunny expression changed.
My parents weren’t exactly in the loop when it came to my side hustle, because no matter how much I wanted to front like I was a grown ass woman and I did whatever I wanted, there was one thing that I was not sure I’d ever be able to do—make a living doing something my parents couldn’t be proud of.
And maybe that was me being vain. But they’d come from the DR because they wanted a future for their kids.
And in the end, it had just been me. After almost a decade of miscarriages and false alarms, my mother finally had me, and I was it.
The vessel for all their hopes and dreams. The reason why they’d left everything behind and come to this country.
The least I could do was hold down a job that could make them feel like I’d been worth all that sacrifice.
No matter how much I told myself what I wanted mattered, I knew I couldn’t bear seeing disappointment in my parents’ eyes.
“Ay, m’ija, you put too much on your plate.
I wish you could relax for a minute, not pile on so much.
More than you need to.” She shook her head and ran the back of her hand over my cheek.
“But you came by it honestly. All you saw in our house was a revolving door of your father and me coming and going to work. I wish we could’ve had more time to sit still. Spend it with you.”
I put an arm around my mother, as we stood in one corner of Rafa’s community center, and thought about that. I had no resentment toward my parents. None. They worked hard so I could have everything I needed. Everything they never got themselves, and I knew from a young age that came at a cost.
“Mamí, I grew up in a home where all I saw where two hardworking people who loved on each other and on me as much as they could. There is literally nothing to be sorry for. As for my side hustles, they’re fun for me and I like staying busy.
I don’t have a relationship or kids that require my time when I’m not working. So, I do things that help me relax.”
My mother’s back went up at my slipping in the no-kids thing, but she kept quiet. That was a fight that we’d put to rest years ago, and finally it seemed she’d accepted that there would be no grandchildren in her future. One more disappointment.
“Are you going to come up for Christmas?”
I shook my head at my mother’s question, as if she had to ask.
“Claro Mamí, where else would I be at Christmas?” I looked around trying to spot J, as I talked to my mom.
For some reason, it seemed important to know where he was right now.
“Patrice and Easton invited a few of us to go up to Easton’s family’s cabin in the mountains for a couple of days after Christmas so I may do that, too. ”
She looked a little disappointed she wouldn’t have me to herself for the whole week, but I’m sure the prospect of me being holed up in a mountain with J mollified her enough to not push. Just as I was about to ask when they wanted to go home, Irene—J’s mom—made an appearance.
“Priscilla, sweetheart. Do you mind giving that boy of mine a ride home? He took an Uber over here, but he’s taking the dogs to his place for a few days, since Rafa and I are going up to the Hudson Valley.
” I wasn’t one hundred percent convinced this wasn’t another ploy of the parents to get J and I together, but the request seemed reasonable enough.
I knew we lived only like ten minutes away from each other, even though I’d never been to his new place.
“Sure. Are the pups ready to go?”
Irene nodded as my mother beamed at this new development. “Yes.” At that same moment, Juan Pablo made an appearance carrying a tote bag with mesh sides, which I assumed carried his parents’ two Yorkies. They were yappy little shits, but they were mostly harmless.
My mother spoke before I could. “Juanpa m’ijo, we’re giving you a ride home today. Pris drove in her truck.” Then like the faker she was, she yawned like she was about to fall asleep on her feet. “Pris is just going to take us home first. We’re driving back first thing tomorrow.”
Wow, my mother legit had no shame, but we all seemed to be playing this game tonight.
“Sure. I’ll bring the truck around and get us going.” I turned to J’s mom, who was doing some kind of elaborate eyeball exchange with her son. “Irene, do you need help with clean up?”
Irene waved me off as if I’d said the craziest thing she’d heard all day.
“Oh no, hon. We got a few kids from the block all primed to go. Juan Pablo offered them twenty-five bucks a piece and they’re all waiting to get started.
” With that, she turned to give her baby boy the beatific smile I’d been seeing my whole life.
“He loves to keep those kids motivated. He’s got half of them on staff helping out one way or another in the afternoons.
” That was followed by a kiss and pinch on the cheek.
This was why I’d kept my distance when I’d come back downstate.
Getting sucked back into the block and J’s family was like a slippery slope.
I had way too many things I needed to figure out and this was all too comfortable.
Comfort was not my friend right now. Not when there was so much about the life I’d built that seemed ill-fitting and restrictive.
Being back here with J and his family would mean having to perform.
Act like everything was great. Chat up his dad about the precinct and the job, and I was so burnt out on all of it.
“You okay, sweetheart?” I practically jumped at my mother’s question.
“Yeah, of course.” Had to keep it moving, because my mother would be able to tell I was in fact, not okay, very easily. “I’ll bring the truck around. See you up front.” I didn’t look at J, because he’d see right through me, too.
Once the cold early-December air hit me, I was able to get it together and soon we were driving out of the Bronx and up to Yonkers. And I should’ve known my mother would still be on her bullshit, because we were barely getting on the expressway when she spoke up from the backseat.
“Mamita, can you take us first? Your daddy is so tired and we have to be on the road in the morning.”
I turned for a second to look at my father’s face and could see he was trying very hard not to bust up. When I looked in the rearview mirror, I saw that Juan Pablo was not faring any better sitting next to my mother. But I also knew there was no winning this, so I smiled and nodded.
“Sure, Ma. Is that okay for you?” I looked at J in the mirror and he just shook his head, grinning.
“Sure. I’m good with that.”
I made a noise that would have to suffice as an acknowledgement and distracted myself by talking with my dad about their plans for the week and what route they were taking up to Ithaca.
The drop-off involved long goodbyes and requests for J to come up and visit soon.
As if this development of me and J driving off with his parents’ dogs to his place was nothing noteworthy.