Chapter 16
chapter sixteen
priscilla
We didn’t talk much. Once I’d let my parents into my building and Juan Pablo was comfortably in the front seat with Tita and Pepe yapping their little fool heads in the back, we headed to his place in almost complete silence.
All the way there I had a feeling I couldn’t quite put my finger on.
Not exactly comfortable, but not unpleasant either. It was a new kind of being together.
I wanted him—I always did—but I didn’t feel helpless to it, and that made a difference.
When I took the turn that led to his fancy ass condo, he finally spoke. “You want to come up for a drink?”
It was casual, no innuendo. No suggestive tone.
A friend asking another to come up to his place for a nightcap after an evening of a lot of family time.
I’d pulled into one of the spots of the guest parking lot and looked up at the tall tower where J lived now.
There was a lot of glass and metal and the view of the Hudson had to be amazing.
I took my time to answer. “How far up are you?”
His top lip twitched and I couldn’t tell if he was annoyed or just laughing at my lame ass attempt to avoid giving him an answer. “I’m on the twelfth floor. I bought early so I got one of the units with a view of the river. It’s pretty baller. I have some prosecco in the fridge.”
I laughed at his cajoling tone. He knew all my weaknesses. I didn’t get more time to think about it because Tita and Pepe started bitching again and made the decision for me.
“Just for a minute. It is kind of ridiculous that I haven’t seen your place yet.”
He’d been in it almost two years. At another time, it would’ve seemed impossible for Juan Pablo to be living anywhere were I wasn’t present. A home of his that wasn’t at least partly my own.
I got out of the car and helped J get the dogs out the carrier and on their leashes, so we could let them do their business before going up to his apartment. They were old hats at apartment life, so within a few minutes, we were on the elevator with freshly relieved fluff balls.
“Sorry about Mamí,” I said. “She doesn’t take a day off, ever.”
He laughed and gave me a long look that I couldn’t figure out. That was another thing that happened in these last two years and with this new version of Juan Pablo. He was mysterious and so very calm. Nothing riled him up.
“It’s fine. You know I have mad love for Maritza; besides, Irene isn’t any better.”
This was true, between my mother and his, it was hard to tell who was thirstier for us to get together.
“I was happy she suggested it. I’ve been meaning to invite you over to see my place.” Just as he said that, the elevator doors opened and we walked into a well-lit hallway lined with white doors.
It was nice. Really nice.
I knew his grandfather had promised all his grandkids he’d help them buy their own place when they were ready, and that old man never let his family down.
“This is really bougie, J. You fancy.” My tone was light, but his cheeks flushed.
We got to the last apartment at the end of the hall with Tita and Pepe getting more and more excited the closer we got. He laughed when they started circling around by the door.
“They stay over sometimes, so they’ve got a ton of toys and shit in here. They think this place is their vacation spot.”
“Wow, so this is what you get up to on the weekends these days. How the mighty fall, Juan Pablo Campos.”
“Damn, Pris, you’re savage.” He laughed as he ran a hand over his fade, a flush of red staining his cheeks.
“I do the parents a solid when they want to have some alone time. These little fuckers keep putting scratches on my hardwood floors, too.” I laughed as the toy-sized dogs ran into the apartment with us close behind.
I stepped in and had to take a deep breath.
“J.” I moved to put down my bag and with my jacket still on, turned around the room, words failing me.
What I was seeing was nothing that anyone else would find remotely remarkable, but I was having a hard time controlling my emotions.
I looked at the wall-to-wall bookshelves on one side of the room.
The blown-up photographs I’d taken on our many trips back to DR and PR, and others from trips we’d taken together to Kenya and Ecuador, all hanging from a bright yellow wall.
He even had the leather armchairs with a little table in between.
Just like we’d always talked about.
Like we’d said we’d set up our forever place. A big room with books, art, and a comfortable spot to read together.
He let me look around in silence as he leaned against the mantel of his gas fireplace. It wasn’t a huge room, but there were floor-to-ceiling windows facing the Hudson. I could imagine how great it would be to drink my morning coffee from one of those chairs with J next to me.
I didn’t know why this was getting to me as much as it was. I wondered if he knew what it would do to me to see this room. On second thought, I didn’t need to wonder. He knew exactly what I was thinking. Without any fucking warning, my mouth started moving.
“You know what’s funny?” I asked, giving my back to him as I studied the shelf where he’d put all the travel books we’d pored over before our many trips together.
So many years of shared moments with J and here I was, walking into the place he’d been living for almost two years.
The person that knew me the most in the whole world was in so many ways a stranger now.
That thought filled me with sadness, and soon it was all coming out of me. “I always thought I was the one who wanted all this,” I said, as I lifted a hand to the framed photographs on the wall. “That part of the reason things seemed to always go awry was because I wanted something you didn’t.”
I sat on the arm of the couch, listening to the soft snores of Tita and Pepe who were snuggled up on their little dog beds in one corner of the room. J, who was never one to rush into an answer, especially one that might lead to an argument, took me in. His stance closed off. Cautious.
His arms crossed over his chest and his eyes focused on something far away.
I looked at him and thought once again, how much I missed having him in my life.
How I wished things could be different, that I could be different, and able to let go more.
When he finally spoke, it was like thunder crackling through the room.
“When have you ever known me to do something I didn’t want to do?
” He pushed off the mantel and walked over to stand in front of me.
And because when it came to Juan Pablo Campos my body was a traitorous bitch, I had to dig my fingernails into my palms to keep from touching him.
“The issues we’ve had were never about us not wanting the same things.
They were about us being too stubborn to make the changes we needed to make for that to happen. ”
I could feel my hackles going up, my mouth pursing, ready to curse him out. Tell him that it was easy for him to call me stubborn when he’d never had to wonder if his choices would trap him. But like he’d been doing since we got on that plane to the DR, Juan Pablo surprised me.
“And you know, that’s not fair for me to say.
I never had to wonder what I’d lose when I decided not to go to the academy.
I knew I had a backup plan and Nonno would help me with grad school if I wanted that.
I knew my parents didn’t need my help or would in the future.
Your choices were always harder, and you’ve never shied away from them. ”
He smiled bitterly then, and looked up to the ceiling. “My choices were never that hard, and when it came down to a difficult one, I bailed on the idea of being a cop without a second thought. Even when it meant breaking my promise to you.”
I’d been waiting for him to say that for over ten years, to admit that he’d broken my trust, and it left me cold to realize that hearing the guilt and sadness as he spoke brought me no relief.
I shifted where I was sitting again, trying to keep myself from reaching out to him.
“We were kids, J, and becoming a cop isn’t exactly something you want to do just to keep your girlfriend happy.
” I let myself slide onto the chair, since it was clear this conversation was long from over. “I was unreasonable, and I wonder now…”
Shit, this was something I’d avoided telling even myself, and because this new Juan Pablo always seemed to know the right thing to do, he sat down on the couch next to me and waited me out.
“I wonder if the reason why I could never get past you backing out of the academy was because I was scared I’d made a mistake by joining. ”
At that his eyes widened, as if he couldn’t really believe he’d heard me right.
“It’s hard to remember sometimes that the hard ass thing is not who you are.
” He shook his head and closed his eyes as if the words he needed were somewhere deep inside, in a place where he didn’t think he’d need to go looking ever again.
“I never pushed or asked if things weren’t going well because I thought if I did, it would just start a fight.
Like you’d forget I’d bailed on you and bringing it up would remind you. ”
He was still regarding me with that knowing gaze he’d been sending my way lately, and I decided to say the last of this, and be done.
“It’s not that I did this against my will.
I like being a cop. I feel useful and it gives me purpose.
But it hasn’t been easy and I think in those moments when I want to quit—when I wonder if I can keep tolerating the toxic shit that always seems to be sitting right under the surface—that if I vent to you, I’d get a big ‘I told you so.’ If I mention it to my parents, that they’d be disappointed. ”
The relief of being able to say that felt like an anvil had been lifted off my shoulders. It shouldn’t have come as a surprise that in the end, it was to J I’d been able to say what I’d been holding in for what felt like eons.
He looked down at the little marble top roundtable between us.
I could tell he was trying hard to figure out how to say whatever he was thinking.
“I’m going to say this now, too late probably for it to make a real difference.
” His voice was earnest, like he needed me to hear how important this was.
“I’m sorry I ever made you feel like you couldn’t tell me how you were feeling. ”
I swallowed hard and took a few deep breaths.
This was so much more than I’d been ready to deal with today.
It felt good to hear him say that though, and I knew it was the truth because despite all the ups and downs, he was right, Juan Pablo had never lied to me.
When I finally opened my mouth to speak, I found that I felt light. Freer somehow.
“Thank you, and don’t whine when I’m over here all the time complaining about everything.
You asked for it, Juan Pablo.” I winked at him and he blushed again.
I leaned in closer, just because the more I sat here with him, the less sense it made to have any distance between us.
That old ache of constant want that ravaged me when he was close wreaking havoc on all my boundaries.
My breath caught when his tongue slid over his upper lip, a gesture that was usually a prelude to him doing some inflammatory shit that ended with us in bed. “I feel like this is some sort of truce and I don’t want to ruin it by letting my dick call the shots.”
I actually clapped a hand to my mouth to keep the bark of laughter from coming out, but the way his face broke out into a huge smile told me my eyes were communicating my current state loud and clear.
“What?” He was barely able to choke that out and his cheeks were practically by his eyes.
“You know we keep it real, Pris. I’m glad we could talk, because I’m not gonna lie to you, I’ve been really fucked up about how things have been with us.
” He shook his head and the regret there had to be a mirror image of mine. “I hate it.”
I wanted to glom all this up. To take it all in, tell him we were good to go and that we could start where we’d left off.
But I was scared. The last time everything had blown up between us had changed something in me.
It had hurt so much and for so long, I could still remember the pain.
The way that I couldn’t take a deep breath for weeks.
How for months after, it would hit me out of nowhere that I couldn’t call him when I needed him and I’d just burst into tears.
Even now, just recalling it made me flinch.
The pain of losing the only person whom I could really be myself with.
And that wasn’t even true either. I had friends and family who loved me just like I was, whom I could be myself with, but they weren’t Juan Pablo. No one could ever be what he was to me.
And because that truth was so massive that it felt like it was the load-bearing beam of my life, I stood up from my chair, went over to stand in front of him and pulled him up for a kiss.