Chapter 29
chapter twenty-nine
priscilla
I don’t know if it was the light snow on the window or the small fireplace crackling in our room, or the earlier conversation with J that made me feel like it was safe to share some of what was going on with me. I mean if I couldn’t do it with these guys, who could I do it with?
I took a sip from my mimosa and patted Camilo’s shoulder. “I’m sort of struggling with my job.” I sighed, hating to feel like I was whining, but grateful that I had a captive and sympathetic audience. “My lieutenant is being an asshole.”
“Oh no, babe, that sucks. You were so hopeful this precinct would be better.” Camilo’s eyes were full of worry and he immediately went full social worker on me. “Is it just a temporary thing? Any chance you can be assigned to another lieutenant?”
I shook my head, wondering if spilling my guts about this was the best idea.
“Not right now. I’ve only been there a year, and it wouldn’t look good.
” I slumped against the headboard and took another large gulp from my now almost empty glass.
“Jumping from precinct to precinct is not a good look. So, I need to ride this out and hope things change. And not by me getting demoted.”
Milo’s stank face, as always, was just on this side of over the top. “You do such good work and you know I live for cops who actually understand systemic oppression, but hon, have you ever thought about doing the side hustle full time?”
I very discreetly directed my gaze to Juan Pablo and saw him perk up as if his antennas were getting pinged.
I did give him credit for not interjecting.
Because he looked like a chipmunk with his cheeks full of nuts right now, and still held his opinion all the way in.
I almost laughed at how hard he was concentrating on what Camilo was saying.
It was like he was almost trying to give him talking points by telepathy.
And usually I’d hedge about stuff like this, especially when Nesto and Jude walked into the room and settled on the little love seat by the fireplace.
Not a second later, Patrice and Easton came in and sat on the bed with J.
It seemed like we were in for a kiki like the old days and I was on the hook for the first round of true confessions.
The thing was, I wanted to say it—talk about this stuff with my friends.
I sat up straighter and bent my knees in front of me until I could cross my arms around them. They were all waiting to hear, not telling me what to do, or talking over me.
“It’s not that I haven’t thought about it.
I love it, you know that, Milo. But the risk of leaving a job with security to try this out—it scares me.
For what I envision, I’d need a storefront with a studio space, and there is no way I can find that in the city for a price I can pay,” I said, feeling discouraged.
“I want to have a place open to the public for classes and workshops. And the blog and podcast seem to be doing well, but I don’t know if people would actually be interested in my stuff for the long run.
” There were various huffs and puffs coming from every direction and Juanpa in particular looked like he was going to burst. But to my surprise, the one who spoke up first was Tom.
“If you’re serious about a storefront, let me know.
My business partners and I bought a building on Lenox Avenue we’re rehabbing with the intention of selecting some nonprofits or minority-owned businesses to operate there.
We’re planning to go through a committee for the selection process,” he looked over at Milo and smiled with that besotted smile he always had for him.
“But you would come pre-approved, of course. Camilo is a devoted follower of your podcast and what we want are businesses or agencies that are bringing something to the community that wasn’t there before.
People with missions that will enrich the lives of those who’ve been there for generations.
Consider it a formal offer.” The last part was delivered with a kind smile, and then a blush after Camilo gave him a loud kiss on the lips.
My heart skipped a beat at the possibility.
At the idea that if I wanted it, I could have a space to give my business a serious try.
To finally explore this dream I’d had burning in me for a while now.
But just under that flame of hope was very real fear.
That I’d let down my parents or worry or embarrass them.
Still, it was undeniable that I wanted it.
That the offer Tom was so casually making felt like it could alter my life forever.
Fill a space that was growing emptier by the day.
I looked at Easton, whose intense gaze told me that like J, he wanted to say more, to push me to grab this chance.
But being a cop had been my dream, always, and I didn’t know how to feel about the relief rocking just from the possibility of being able to do something else.
I wondered if it was me, if I was not suited for it all along.
If instead of stubbornly refusing to consider anything else, if I would’ve been better off going in another direction like Juan Pablo did.
If I’d wasted all these years.
I was a mess of conflicting feelings, but for the first time in a really long time, I felt almost brave enough to admit that I didn’t know what I was doing.
That I felt lost. I turned to look at J, whose brown eyes were trained on me like he was trying to decipher what was going on through my head word by word.
As if it meant everything for him to be able to do so.
I let myself feel the love these men had for me.
I took it in even though right now I couldn’t reach for what they were offering.
“Thanks, Tom. I’ll keep it in mind. I’m not ready to give up on the NYPD yet. I practically start shaking just at the thought of not being a cop anymore. It’s who I am.”
Multiple protests cropped up at once and Easton actually stood up. “Pris, you know that’s not true.” I had to laugh at my friend’s obvious affront.
“Okay, East, chill.” I said, handing him over my glass. “Let’s get some more wine and take this party downstairs, because even if I love the attention of seven gorgeous men on me, I am not so into this ‘True Confessions’ moment. Thank you again, Tom, truly.”
I pointed a finger at Camilo for the next part. “And that’s not a greenlight for you to try and wear me down until I say yes either.”
He clutched a hand to his chest like the little drama queen he was. “What, me? When have I ever told people what to do with their life?”
That finally got the tension to break as everyone proceeded to laugh their ass off at Camilo’s shamelessness.
Soon they were all getting up and walking out of the crowded bedroom and headed downstairs.
When it was just J and I left in the room, I felt his hand on my shoulder and the slightest brush of a beard on the nape of my neck.
With my hair up in a pineapple, the bare skin there tingled with Juan Pablo so close.
There were a thousand reasons for me not to lean into him or to tighten the arms by my hip around my waist, but I couldn’t come up with a single one.
“You all right?” The huskiness in his voice eased me, and I wanted to rest my head there forever.
“I am. I’m good,” I said and meant it. I closed my eyes, expecting him to say something that would make things weird or would make me pull away.
In the past he would’ve pushed against me tighter, pressed his lips to my ears, making me shiver.
I almost hoped he would, but I also trusted he wouldn’t cross the boundary, or any other, I asked of him.
He just swayed with me for a moment. Letting the conversation and the lifeline Tom had so casually handed over sink in. He knew there was no way I could talk about it. That there was no decision I could make right now. But knowing that my friends had my back meant something.
And seeing J hold back from trying to fix things was the most meaningful of all.