5. Benji
Thankfully, it’s public record when someone buys a house and we were able to track down Derek pretty easily. I’ve been reeling for days, so by the time Jack pulls his Jeep up to a shady looking house that’s tucked deep into the Deschutes River Woods I’m completely on edge. The driveway is longer than those in most of the surrounding neighborhoods and the view of the house is completely obscured until we’re well over the property line. Something about it feels remote even though we’re only five minutes and a few turns away from a major road.
I steal a nervous glance at Jack. He looks so classically handsome sitting in the driver’s seat of his Jeep, his thick thighs spread a bit wide, Ray Bans perched on his nose. Normally I find the local lumberjack chic cringy but Jack even makes the checked red and black flannel he’s sporting look good.
I’m honestly not sure how to proceed now that I know he’s mistakenly thought I was lusting after his sister for half my life. I can kind of see why he’s taken such an offense to my very presence but now that the air is somewhat cleared and he knows I’m not in fact trying to bang Jess, I’m unsure of how to act.
I can’t help but wonder what that conversation with Jess was like and if Jack has put together my big dumb gay crush on him. I’m fairly certain the man is straight but he was also completely certain that I liked women. There’s some weird lingering hope that maybe, just maybe, Jack actually does like men… especially after that night where I’m now certain he watched me stroke it on his couch. It feels like the wrong time to ask but the lingering questions are hard to ignore after fifteen years of pining.
I was honestly shocked when Jack showed up this morning, though I really wish he had shot me a text before coming over so that he didn’t see me in the midst of a total mental breakdown. We didn’t exchange numbers last time though so he really had no choice other than showing up unannounced.
It’s been days without any updates on Jessica and any lingering hope I had that her ghost was just a dream has faded. I’m not sure I’ll ever get over losing her. After pretty much losing my family when I came out, Jess and her parents became my family. When she was orphaned a few years ago we became even closer. Now that she’s gone, the least I can do is summon all of my courage and ask Derek if he knows anything.
There’s just one thing that has me feeling really hesitant, something that Jack doesn’t know. I’m honestly not sure how he’ll react because Derek was his best friend at one point. I probably should have told him on the drive over but I didn’t want him to react poorly while driving.
“Jack, there’s something you should probably know about Derek and Jessica.”
Jack shifts in his seat so that he’s facing me and slips his sunglasses off. There’s confusion marking his features but I can also see fear there.
“Did he do something that I don’t know about?” Jack’s voice is tense and deep, practically rumbling out of his wide chest.
“No, it’s just that uh, well.”
“Just come out and say what you need to say, Benji.”
“Jessica and Derek actually were in a relationship for a while in high school. They kept it from you at first because Jessica was worried that if you found out they were having sex it would ruin your friendship with Derek.”
“They were fucking?” Jack scowls and looks away.
The anger crossing his features doesn’t surprise me. Jessica kept their relationship from her brother, her parents, and the police.
“They were sneaking around for like six months but she decided to end things when Derek started talking about getting married after high school. You know how Jess was, she wasn’t the type to get married young and the level of commitment he wanted just kind of spooked her.”
“Were you covering for her back then?”
“Well, yeah. She was my best friend, of course I covered for her. Sometimes, I’d sleep over at your house and Jess would slip out in the middle of the night to be with Derek. One time you came into her room and I had to pretend she was taking a shower, only the shower wasn’t running-”
“I remember that. For a while I was convinced you guys had just had sex or something and that’s why you were acting so weird.” There’s a hint of sadness in his voice that catches me off guard.
“The idea of me being with your sister really bothered you, huh?”
“Well, yeah.”
“Why?”
The word hangs in the silence for a moment. Despite everything going on with Jessica disappearing this question has been bouncing around my mind for the last few days. Why on Earth does the thought of me liking Jess or touching her upset him to such a point that he genuinely started hating me?
“I just…look, let's talk about this later. Is there anything else I need to know about Derek before we go knock on his door making accusations?” The hint of bitterness in his tone gives away his hurt. Jessica loved Jack but she wasn’t always the most forthcoming because he had a tendency to play the part of an overprotective brother.
“To my knowledge, that was the only secret Jess kept buried about the Derek situation. I just thought that it might be helpful if you knew the context before the stalking started.”
“It did feel really surreal when he suddenly was obsessed with my sister so I guess this gives some much needed clarity to the whole situation. I just wish Jess had been honest with me at the time. It wasn’t okay what he did but it does make more sense now.” Jack shrugs and throws open the Jeep door, jumping down in a smooth practiced motion. “Let’s get this over with and then I’ll take you out to lunch and we can talk.”
I scramble out of the Jeep, hissing a little when my ankles hit the ground a little too hard. Jack’s lifted Jeep never fails to make me feel small. Our feet crunch against the gravel as we close the last distance to the porch. The wood on the front steps is peeling and in bad shape, it creeks and sags under our weight in a way that makes me a bit nervous.
Thankfully Jack seems to be fine taking the lead so I kind of hide behind his big body while he knocks. A dog barks from somewhere inside the house and there’s some shuffling from the other side of the door. Pretty much everyone in Bend has a dog, it’s practically dog town USA, so it’s almost comforting to hear.
Derek opens the door and stares at Jack for a moment before his eyes shift to me and confusion crosses his features.
“I honestly thought one of you would have come by sooner but it’s a little weird seeing you together.”
“Have the police talked to you?” Again, I’m thankful for Jack taking the lead because Derek has grown up to be a big guy. He towers over me but is still an inch or two shorter than Jack, who has squared his shoulders like he’s ready to fight.
“Yeah, of course. They came by a few days ago but I haven’t seen Jessica in a few years. The last time I saw her she sold me this house.”
“She what?” The question explodes from me because Jess definitely never mentioned seeing Derek, let alone being hired by him. I knew the restraining order had expired at some point but she never seemed worried about it. I guess she thought Derek wasn’t much of a threat anymore.
“We bumped into each other a few years ago when I was looking for an agent to buy a house with. She showed me a couple of places and then I settled on this one. I don’t think I’ve seen her since closing.”
Derek stares at us for a moment before stepping aside and walking into his living room. Jack immediately follows and I tentatively step inside. The place is small and definitely dated but it seems tidy. His couch looks like something he bought on Facebook Marketplace from some college kids and there’s a massive bong sitting on the side table. Derek takes a seat, looking all too comfortable, but Jack and I continue standing.
“Why would Jessica want to work with you after everything that happened?” Jack’s voice is low and there’s an accusation hanging in his words.
“Listen Jack, you don’t really know the full story-”
“Yeah, Benji caught me up on the fact that you and Jess dated but it really doesn’t explain why she would want anything to do with you after all of the craziness after.”
“I know it’s no excuse but I was young and really dumb. I thought that if I could just show her how dedicated I was she would come back around. Instead, that kind of escalated.” Derek shrugs like this completely explains the way he stalked Jessica and ultimately threatened her a few times.
“No shit things escalated. You threatened to kidnap her at one point!” My voice cracks a bit and I awkwardly shuffle from foot to foot.
“I wanted to take her to Vegas to elope. At the time, I thought Jess actually did want to be together but was afraid of what her big brother would think if he knew she was fucking his best friend.”
“You left her a note saying that if she didn’t agree to go with you, you’d put her in your trunk. In what world could that be interpreted as anything but a threat?” The muscle in Jack’s jaw twitches and it’s clear that Derek’s relaxed attitude about the whole incident is setting him off.
There’s something deeply disturbing about how nonchalant Derek is about the threats and stalking. It’s quite clear he doesn’t think he did anything wrong and his boys will be boys attitude doesn’t bode well for his involvement with Jessica’s disappearance.
The thing I’m struggling to wrap my head around is why Jess would agree to work with him after everything that happened. While Jess has a crazy work ethic and is downright obsessed with moving up the ladder to be the top agent at the brokerage this would still be a stretch for even her.
“Why did she agree to work with you?”
“I think she mostly just wanted to make a sale. When we bumped into each other the restraining order had finally expired so I went over to apologize and explain my perspective. It came up that I was looking to buy something small with some inheritance I got and she kind of jumped at the opportunity. We only had to look at a few places before she found this one.” Derek shrugs and makes a vague motion around him like the place she found is perfect. “This place has a full acre, that's impossible to find in city limits but she somehow did. Eventually I’ll remodel the house but-”
“You don’t seem very concerned that Jessica is missing.” Jack interrupts, his voice clipped and annoyed.
“Honestly, I think she’s just having a whirlwind romance or some shit. I’m sure she’ll turn up soon.”
“Jessica wouldn’t just take off for days without letting people know and she definitely wouldn’t miss work without prearranging her absence. She hasn’t taken a vacation in years.” I know my best friend and she isn’t the whirlwind type, she wouldn’t risk her career for some tinder date.
“Like I said, I haven’t seen her. I know I was a dipshit when we were young-”
“That’s putting it mildly.” Jack mumbles.
“But I wouldn’t hurt her, especially all these years later. I moved on a long time ago and so did she. She wouldn’t have worked with me if she thought I was a threat.”
The walk back to the Jeep is silent but the moment Jack closes his door he turns to face me with a grim facial expression. I shift uncomfortably and reach over to click the lock on the door, feeling unsettled after the bizarre encounter.
“I don’t trust him.”
“I don’t either, his attitude about the whole thing was weirdly casual and he acted like Jess going missing was almost to be expected or something.” I stare at Jack for a moment before he finally turns away and starts the car.
The ride back to the main streets is short but I still feel shaken up as we leave the woods behind. Something about Derek’s attitude was really disturbing and I’m not sure if it’s guilt I’m picking up or if he still harbors ill will towards Jess for their shared history and is glad she’s gone missing.
Jack makes a few quick turns before pulling into a hole in the wall Mexican restaurant that Jessica and I loved to go to. We used to order their perfect margarita, which was basically two margaritas worth since it came with a refill on the side. Jack had to pick us up a few times because we were too trashed to drive after our dinner dates.
“Did you ever come here with Jess?” I ask, wondering if maybe Jack and his sister had a similar fondness for the drinks and food.
“No, I just know you like it here so I thought it was a good pick. Jess often invited me but I felt like I was invading your date or something.”
“It wasn’t a date-”
“I know that now. At the time though I still thought you had feelings and I didn’t want to sit around and watch you make gaga eyes at my sister.”
“Honestly, we mostly drank margaritas, ate an ungodly amount of chips and salsa, and then we’d smash a tray of fajitas together.” I can’t help but smile fondly thinking about all of the times we spent laughing at stupid shit while tipsy and enjoying a total carb-fest.
“Well, if we get too smashed to drive my place is only a ten minute walk from here and you can just crash with me.” Jack shrugs and slips out of the Jeep before I can respond to his sudden sleepover invitation.
I clamber my way out of the Jeep and hiss a little when my feet hit the ground again, cursing my weak ankles.
Jack leads the way into the restaurant, holding up the door for me to enter first. I can’t help but shoot him an incredulous look because this is an entirely different Jack than the one I’ve known for fifteen years.
“Who are you and what have you done with Jack Jansen?”
Jack just laughs and walks to the hostess. The restaurant is small and we’re seated next to a small fireplace that adds a lovely warmth and glow to the space. The table the hostess selected is what Jess and I called the prime spot because it of its close proximity to the fireplace and distance from the bar and bathrooms. Jack and I slide into the booth on opposite sides and I’m struck with another wave of sadness as I consider that I may never get to do this with my best friend again.
“I miss her, too.” Jack’s voice is quiet and he slides a hand across the table to lay across my own.
“Honestly, you’re kind of freaking me out with the sudden personality change, Jack. I don’t think you’ve ever intentionally touched me before and you’ve certainly never taken me on a date- er out to a meal so to speak.”
“It’s different now that I know you aren’t in love with Jessica.” Jack shrugs like this explains everything when really it explains absolutely nothing.
“Are you really that overprotective of Jessica? I just don’t get it, you never seemed to care who she was dating but the idea of me wanting her has made you hate me for half my life?”
Before Jack can respond a waitress drops off chips and salsa and takes our drink orders. Jack surprises me again by ordering for me and I can’t help the flutter my heart does because this is starting to feel like a date. It didn’t slip past me that Jack didn’t correct me when I accidentally called it a date.
As soon as the waitress steps away the silence hangs around the table and Jack finally clears his throat before addressing the elephant in the room.
“I don’t care who my sister dates.”
“Then why did you care if I was interested in her.”
“Benji, I just… I just didn’t want you to be into her.”
“Do you really disapprove of me so much that I’m like the only guy you don’t want her seeing?” I can’t hide the hurt in my voice; I’ve never understood why Jack hates me so much and this conversation certainly isn’t bringing any clarity.
“This isn’t coming out right.” Jack runs a hand through his auburn hair and down his face which is pinched in a grimace. “I was jealous.”
I stare at Jack trying to process exactly what he means by jealous. It almost sounds like he’s confessing to having a crush on me when we were young but that doesn’t line up with the sheer amount of animosity he’s shown me over the years. I guess the confusion is written on my face because Jack continues before I can even ask for clarification.
“I hated the idea of you pining after my sister and the idea of you two having sex makes me so irrationally angry that I can’t help but lash out. I had no idea you were gay; I thought you were my sister’s unobtainable gorgeous best friend. I had kind of resigned myself to it.”
“To what?”
“To pining after you forever.” Jack’s brown eyes are wide and vulnerable, his voice is so soft that it takes a moment for the words to sink in.
“I’m sorry but what? You hate me.” My voice comes out high pitched, laced with panic because there’s no way that Jack, the man who has hated me and scorned me any chance he got, is saying he’s actually been in love with me this whole time.
Jack pining for me makes exactly zero sense, especially when I’ve been over here actually pining away for him for over a decade.
“Honestly, I was planning to take this secret to the grave. I know I’ve been an asshole to you and I understand if I’m not…not what you want. And I also know my timing is shit. I should be focused on Jessica but I can’t help the way my heart is constantly in my throat now that I know I’ve wasted all of these years.”
“You don’t hate me?”
“No, I’ve never hated you. I just hated not being able to have you.”
I must be staring at Jack like he’s grown a second head because he takes a long drink from his margarita, downing nearly half of it in one go. I follow suit, downing a huge portion of my drink in the hope that it gives me some liquid courage.
The timing is complete shit. We should be focusing on finding Jessica but other than pretending to be Watson and Holmes there isn’t much we can really do. And maybe, maybe a distraction from the inevitable tragedy is just what we need.
I also know that horrible timing aside I should still be mad that he’s been treating me poorly for years because he was feeling a little jealous. It’s hard to be mad though when the man of my dreams is saying all the words I’ve fantasized about hearing a million times. I lick my lips and decide to say fuck it because I’ve been so hung up on Jack for all of these years that I’m not going to let some asshole remarks on his part stand in the way.
“Then have me.”