8. Jack
After our trip out to see Eric, I dropped Benji off at his place so that he could get some work done. That was three days ago and most of my texts have sat on read or been answered with short one word answers. It’s honestly starting to fuck with my head because I thought we had cleared the air and found a way to be together, at least in some capacity.
I’ve spent the last few days spiraling a bit and wondering if maybe Benji came to his senses and realized that after all of my assholery, I’m actually not worth it. I also spiral on the fact that we were tipsy when we hooked up so maybe in the sober light of day he’s seeing things differently.
It’s a weird position that I’ve never found myself in before because I’ve honestly never really cared if the person I was seeing wanted to end things. I’ve had no shortage of lovers over the years but things never moved past the superficial stage and with Benji there is no superficial stage. I’ve been completely smitten for so long that his rejection makes my chest feel heavy anytime I picture his face, which is pretty constant.
So, it comes as a complete surprise when my bartender Brittany walks into my office and announces that I have a visitor waiting at the bar. I can’t help the way my heart skips a beat wondering if it’s Benji and if it is…if he’s here to call the whole thing off.
Benji isn’t hard to spot; my eyes have always been drawn to him even in a crowded room. He’s sitting at the far end of the bar at one of the tables for two near the wood stove. I can’t help but pause to take in his appearance. He looks a lot more put together than he was when I showed up to his house a few days ago but there are still visible circles under his eyes and he looks weary. His curls are pushed to one side of his forehead in a familiar swoop caused by Benji repeatedly pushing them out of his eyes. His bangs are always on the longer side but he refuses to trim them until it’s absolutely necessary.
The noise level tonight is pretty low since it’s a hockey night and not a football night. On Mondays, Thursdays, and Sundays the football crowd usually takes over around this time and things get loud and rowdy as everyone cheers and groans. The hockey fans are rowdy but far fewer in numbers since the sport isn’t as popular here.
Benji takes a sip of his mojito and his eyes flick up to meet mine, as though he can feel me studying him. There’s an awkward pause while we both just stare and then he offers a small smile and uses his hand to gesture towards the seat across from him.
I feel like I’m walking to the gallows as I cross the room. Benji shifts uncomfortably when I take a seat. What I really want is to lean in and capture his lips, to feel his body pressed against my own for the first time in days.
“Hey.” Benji’s voice is soft and his tone is so casual that it throws me off for a moment.
“You’ve been avoiding me.” I’ve never been one to beat around the bush and I can’t stand the idea of making small talk for twenty minutes before he rips my heart out of my chest.
“I…have. I just don’t really know how to navigate this, what you want or I guess where we stand after…after what happened.”
“What happened?” I can feel annoyance rising, partially because I’ve been stewing in these emotions for days. “We made love, or I thought we did maybe it was just a fuck to you, and you seem to be totally bailing. I thought I made what I wanted really clear, Benji.”
“I’m not good at this, I’ve never really had a relationship-not that I assume that’s what this is-”
“That’s what I thought we were doing.” I interrupt because it’s clear Benji has been spiraling a bit too. Maybe he’s been feeling just as insecure and at a loss as I’ve been.
“I just wasn’t sure.”
“I meant it when I said I want you to be mine. But, I also understand if now that you’re sober and maybe thinking about what an ass I’ve been…” I scrub a hand through my hair, pulling on the ends a little bit to try and ground myself.
“Jack, of course I still want you. I’ve always wanted you. I just got scared that maybe I misinterpreted things.” The insecure waver in his voice kills me and I know the only way I can help ease his mind is to put all of my cards on the table.
“Baby, let me be perfectly clear then. I want you now and I want you tomorrow. If you let me, I’ll spend the rest of our lives making the last fifteen years up to you.”
“The rest of our lives.” Benji repeats quietly, his voice barely a whisper. His green eyes lookup and search mine, almost as though he’s looking for some sign that I’m lying or tricking him. It breaks my heart a little but I’ve fostered that distrust for the years of being a dick to him, so of course he’s weary.
“The rest of our lives.” I repeat firmly.
“Do you feel… guilty?”
“For being an asshole for this long? Yes-”
“No, for getting together given the circumstances. Like, I feel like I should be focused on finding my best friend and instead I’m getting dicked down by her brother.”
“Fuck, I love hearing you say you’re getting dicked down.”
“Jack!”
“No, I don’t feel that guilty for our timing. It’s not the best timing, I wish our circumstances were different but I also feel like Jess would want this. She’d want us to take care of each other and from the sounds of it she was rooting for us to eventually get together.”
“I just feel like I could be doing more to find her.”
“Benji, you aren’t a detective and neither am I. We’ve handed what we could over to the police. We’ve gone further than we probably should have by questioning sketchy dudes. What more could we possibly do?”
“There was a road, a like forest service road, by Eric’s house. It seemed like it ran right along his property.” Benji shrugs like this is something he’s spent a lot of time contemplating.
“Baby, if you want to go off roading down some bumpy old road that hasn’t been used in years then we’ll go Jeeping. If it’s giving you a, fuck I don’t know, a vibe? Then let’s do it.”
“It’s not like I’m psychic but I do…I just have this weird feeling about that road that I can’t shake.”
“Then we’ll do it. It’s already dark though so we’re going to have to go tomorrow.”
“You…you’re willing to just go off on some random wild goose hunt with me because I have a weird feeling?”
“I’ll go on a wild ghost hunt with you. I told you, I’m going to prove to you that I can be better, Benji. If you’ll let me, I’ll take you anywhere you want to go. Plus, I want to find out what happened to my sister just as bad as you do and who knows? Maybe that road will help us find her.”
“I guess it is a ghost hunt at this point.” Benji looks so sad and resigned that I can’t help but reach out to place my hand over his. “I’m kind of freaked out that you aren’t freaking out more.”
“I think part of me is still in denial. Like until we actually find her I can still hope that she’s safe. I didn’t see her ghost so I still have this level of plausible deniability. If we find Jess and she isn’t okay…” I run a hand through my auburn hair again and cringe because I’m torn between believing Benji when he says he saw her ghost and needing to keep my hope alive. “If she’s really gone… I’m going to fall apart. Maybe I’m putting off the inevitable but I just have to hope that somehow maybe…”
Benji nods and places his other hand over mine, giving me a soft understanding smile because of course he understands. Soft, sweet Benji has always been understanding and it’s no different even now. Even when being understanding also means accepting that I don’t fully believe him. My hope and my belief in Benji are at odds with each other.
“So, tomorrow we can take your Jeep? I don’t think my Civic can make it down that road. I thought about trying it but I was worried I’d get stuck and who knows how the cell reception is out there.”
“No.” I practically growl, my tone comes much firmer than I had intended and Benji flinches back in response.
“You don’t want to go?”
“No to you going down some sketchy ass road alone. Especially in that death trap of a Civic. We can take the Jeep tomorrow but I want you to promise you won’t do dangerous shit like that Benji. I can’t…I can’t lose you too.”
“I… I won’t do anything unless you’re with me, Jack.” Benji promises and he looks so sweet that I can’t help but lean in and kiss his lips. It’s just a brief contact but Benji gasps and touches his lips when I pull away.
“Aren’t you worried about people seeing? Everyone thinks you’re straight.” Benji’s eyes shift around the room like he thinks everyone will be watching but of course no one cares.
“First of all, I’ll kiss you anywhere you’ll let me. I don’t give a single fuck what other people think. And second, my staff has seen me uh take home the occasional guy. They know I’m bi. I kind of assume most people know at this point. Jessica definitely did.”
“How did I not know then?”
“I don’t think I even look at other people when you’re in the room. You’re all I see so it’s not like you would see me checking out guys. I never really dated seriously because I could never find anyone who draws my attention the way you do.”
“God, Jack. You really do know how to turn on the charm when you want to.”
“You wanna finish your drink and then stay the night, Benji?”
“I just ordered this so I wasn’t sitting at an empty table. Let’s go upstairs.”
I grunt and stand up quickly, the chair squeaking and nearly toppling over in the process. I right it with one hand and then hold out my other for Benji to take. As soon as his hand is in mine I pull him to his feet and flush against my chest. I’m tempted to pick him up and carry him bridal style to my apartment but I show restraint and instead fuse my mouth over his. I kiss him like it could be our last because just half an hour ago I was worried I would never get this again and now that I have it I’m going to savor it.
Benji lets me ravish his mouth for a moment and his hands slide into my hair and tug lightly. The urgency of his tongue against mine makes me momentarily forget that we’re in public. My hands begin to wander, sliding under his shirt to feel his warm, soft skin. Benji has always been lean and I can feel the shift of soft muscle, so different from my own gym-built abs.
He groans into the kiss and I feel his erection press against my thigh. It snaps my attention back to the fact that we’re still very much in public and I’m literally at work. I take Benji’s hand and lead him to my office so I can lock up for the night. My bartender and bouncer will close the actual bar around one but I like to keep my office locked when I’m not present.
“You want to get frisky in your office?” Benji asks, leaning against me as I lean over to grab my keys and cell phone.
“Eventually, I’m going to eat your ass and fuck you over my desk. Tonight though I want to take my time and I can’t do that here.” I watch as a lovely blush colors Benji’s cheeks and neck and I immediately decide that making him blush is going to be a new hobby of mine. He wears the color so well and I love how he shifts trying to find some relief from the erection obviously tenting his jeans.
I quickly turn off the light and lock my office door, guiding Benji down the hall to the back exit. The street light illuminates the quick walk up the stairs and I practically jam my key into the lock in my haste to get Benji underneath me.
As soon as we’re inside it’s like a repeat from last time and I slam Benji up against the door. My lips find his and I take my time exploring his mouth until he’s practically shaking, his hands wandering desperately along my back, chest, and into my hair.
Last time, I was so desperate to have my first taste of Benji that I couldn’t take my time. Now, I want to taste every inch of his body until he’s pleading with me to fill him. Hearing Benji beg for my cock last time was fucking magnificent and I’m determined to get him to beg for it again.
I pull away long enough to guide Benji to the couch, flicking on the lamp as we go. I push him so that he’s seated and crawling over him so my thighs are on either side of his. He looks tiny underneath me like this and I’m again reveling in our size difference.
I begin licking at his neck, letting my tongue taste his skin and occasionally pausing to suck and bite at the spots that make him moan and tremble. Once I’ve had my fill of his neck, I pull off his shirt and slide to the ground so I’m on my knees between his thighs. I lavish attention on each of his nipples, sucking one little tight bud into my mouth and then the other. Benji is bucking against my chest, writhing under my attention.
“Please, Jack.” He pants out, desperation coating his voice as one of his hands tries to reach for his pant button. I bat his hand away and continue kissing down his chest, enjoying the way he squirms when I kiss his sensitive belly and dip my tongue into his belly button. I kiss at his happy trail and then teasingly lavish attention along the lines of his hips.
I’m in no particular hurry so I take my time, enjoying how small he feels even now with me crouched between his thighs. Eventually the desperate pants and groans turn into pleading and begging and I can’t help but relish in the sounds he’s making.
“Please, I can’t… I’m so hard. I need to-” Benji again reaches for his pants and I gleefully push his hand away again. He lets out a long groan when I lean in and lick along the skin just above his pants. “Please don’t tease me. I wasn’t sure if I’d get to have this again… I need you inside of me now.”
“Baby, you’re going to have this forever. We don’t need to rush. I want to take my time with you, memorize every inch of the skin that I’ve spent years fantasizing about. You’re so fucking beautiful, Benji.” And he really is. His legs are spread wide to accommodate my position between them, a flush is coloring his chest all the way up to his cheeks. His green eyes look bright even in the dim light and his curls are a messy halo on his head. He’s so fucking beautiful that I have to take a moment just to drink him in.
I finally decide to take mercy on him, unbuttoning his pants and tapping his thigh so that he lifts while I pull his boxer briefs and jeans down in one quick motion. Now that he’s bare and stretched out in front of me I can’t resist leaning in and lapping at his leaking cock.
“Fuck, Jack.” Benji’s hips buck and he tries to thrust into my mouth.
“You want me to suck you, baby?” I tease just under the head of his cock with my tongue, enjoying the way his breath catches as he stares down at me.
“Please.”
“So polite.” I tease and then finally suck his cock into my mouth, swallowing his entire length. His whole body reacts, a moan slipping past his lips as his legs tremble a bit. I can taste his precum leaking profusely and I back off enough to lick at the tip, swirling my tongue to taste as much of him as I can. “Do you want to come in my mouth, Benji? Or do you want to come on my cock again?”
Benji is gasping and writhing under me when I start sucking again. His eyes are pinched closed but occasionally he pries them open to watch me suck him and then slams them closed again, as though the image is too much and will send him over the edge.
“Cock.” His voice is barely audible, the word is practically gasped out.
“What was that, Benji?” I smirk as he glares down at me. We both know I heard him but I want to hear him say it again.
“I want to come on your cock. Need you inside of me, Jack. Last time, fuck,” I swirl my tongue around the head and Benji breaks off for a second before finally finishing his thought. “Last time, I could feel the stretch from having you inside of me the whole next day. Felt so good knowing who owned my ass.”
“You want me to own your ass again, baby?”
Benji nods desperately and I pull on his hips until his ass is hanging off the edge of the couch and then promptly flip him over. A surprised noise escapes his mouth followed by a gasp when I immediately spread his cheeks and begin feasting on his ass.
His belly is pressed against the couch and his knees and on the ground just in front of the couch, putting him in the perfect position for me to really go to town. I lick desperately at his puckered entrance, swirling and getting it nice and wet. Benji tastes clean, he must have showered just before he came to the bar. When he’s relaxed into it, I slide my tongue past the first ring of muscle and enjoy the way he writhes underneath me.
Once he’s wet and relaxed I begin working a finger in while my tongue lavishes attention on his rim. Benji is pushing back against me, fucking himself on my finger and practically riding my face in his desperation. I pull him a little further back so that his cock and balls are between his legs and I can stroke him with my free hand.
“Fuck, fuck. I’m going to come if you keep doing that. Please, I can’t. Want you inside when I come.”
I release his cock and focus my attention on adding a second finger, scissoring and stretching him but deliberately ignoring his prostate. After only a few minutes, I wet a third finger with spit and slide it in, enjoying the way Benji’s rim stretches around my fingers, swallowing them up as I finger fuck him relentlessly.
“Please, I’m ready. Please, Jack.”
“You want my cock?” I crook my fingers and finally rub his sensitive gland while he rides my hand.
“Just fuck me.” Benji grunts out and wiggles his hips again, both in an attempt to tempt me into action and also to get more friction against his cock.
“We need lube, just wait here.”
“No, no. I’ll be fine, just spit on me.” I pause to consider Benji’s demand. Anal without lube is a little harder but I did eat his ass and he’s still slick from all the spit.
“If it hurts you need to tell me and we’ll pause. Promise me, Benji.”
“I promise, I swear. I just need you inside me right fucking now Jack.”
I chuckle a bit at his desperation, even though my own cock is heavy and leaking in my pants. I pull my fingers free and wipe them on my jeans before I shuck out of them. I spit on my cock a few times and then spit onto Benji’s hole, trying to get things as slick as possible to ease my way.
When I press the head of my cock against his hole it takes only a little pressure before I slip inside, the first few inches sliding past his loosened muscles. We groan in unison and I slowly slide all the way inside.I pull Benji’s hips back and press him forward so that I can massage his prostate with my cock.
I get two shallow thrusts in and suddenly Benji’s cock is exploding, come painting the floor and the couch in front of him. His channel squeezes around me and I fuck him through his orgasm until he’s writhing around from sensitivity.
“Bit of a hair trigger there, Benji. You want me to pull out and come on your face instead?”
“No, please. I just…just use me. I want you to fuck me like I’m your toy, just use me to get off and come in my ass again. Loved feeling you leaking out of me.”
“The fucking things that come out of that dirty mouth, fuck.”
Taking Benji at his word, I start fucking him in earnest. I pause occasionally to spit onto my cock to slick the way, watching my cock disappear inside of him. I relish in the way I can pull out until just the very tip of my cock is spearing open his hole, keeping him stretched as wide as possible before finally fucking back in. It only takes a few minutes of watching him take my cock like a pro before I’m falling over the edge.
I slam as deep as I can go as my cock pulses inside Benji, his name on my lips as I fill him with my come. Once I’m spent, I pause before pulling out so I can enjoy the way my cock slowly softens inside of him. After a few minutes I slip free with a groan and spread Benji’s cheeks so I can watch my come leak out.
Unable to resist, I lean in and lick at my own spend causing Benji to gasp in scandalized shock. Once I’ve had my fill and Benji is clean, I turn him around so that he’s sitting on my thighs and kiss him.
“And you say I have a dirty mouth!” Benji laughs after and I can’t help the wide grin that breaks free.
“Baby, you have no idea.”