15. Benji
“Do you want to spend Christmas at my place or yours? I got a cheap permit and we can go chop our own tree down.”
“Honestly, I’ve always just used a small fake tree with some terrible ornaments I got from the dollar store.”
“I think we can do better than a three foot tall piece of plastic, don’t you?”
Jack chuckles, shaking his head like I’m silly even though we both know his sister had a very similar set up with an even smaller tree. Admittedly, her tiny tree was from Balsam Hill and a much nicer quality than mine. She only had a few ornaments but they were all from Tiffany’s because while Jess wasn’t terribly interested in Christmas decorations, she also wasn’t about to slum it with anything from the local dollar store.
“I’m pretty sure if I take home a real tree it’ll promptly drop all of its needles and die. I don’t have much of a green thumb.”
“Benji, all you do is make sure it’s watered.”
“I once killed a cactus.” Jack arches a brow at me and I shrug. “Maybe we should celebrate at your place. I can still cook our Christmas ham there. The pie and cinnamon rolls I can make ahead of time and then pop them into the oven. I’m sure you also have better decorations than I do.”
“Yeah, I have all of my parent’s decorations. I also set aside a box Jessica had in her closet that was labeled ornaments. I thought it might be nice to have hers on the tree to kind of make it feel like she’s still with us in some way.”
“I think she’ll always be with us in some way. We both loved her and we’ll keep her memory alive. I don’t think there will ever be a day where I don’t think about Jessica for some reason or another. So much of my life was spent with her that I feel like my life can be broken down into three parts: life before Jess, life with Jess, and now life after Jess.”
Jack pulls me in for a tight hug, his hands rubbing my back as we try to comfort each other even though there really is no way to soothe this type of wound. My face is pressed against his ribs and I let his soothing scent wash over me, taking what comfort I can. We stand there for a moment before Jack breaks the silence by calling out to Alexa.
“Alexa, play ‘Two Queens in a King Size Bed by Girl in Red.’”
As soon as the soft melody begins playing, Jack starts gently swaying me. I’ve never heard this song before but the lyrics immediately make me feel oddly emotional so I look down to hide the tears that are welling in my eyes. The tune is soft and slow and the lyrics are pure romance with promises of spending all their time together and kissing on Christmas Day.
One line in particular stands out as we sway and listen “My only wish is one more year and then I want them all. Your freckled cheeks, our tangled feet. The closer, the better it gets, so let's stay right here until forever disappears.”
Jack has been diligently trying to prove to me that he really is in this for the long haul and as we sway together to this sweet melody I finally believe him. He recently slipped me the key to his place and while it felt like a practical move since I have been over there a lot lately, it was also insanely romantic. I’ve never had the key to anyone’s place before and it feels like a big step. I slipped him a key to my place a few days later and I’ve noticed he gets a goofy smile when he fidgets with it. Of course, I got the girliest key I could find, thinking it would mess with him a little bit, but instead he seems totally smitten with the heart covered monstrosity.
The tears I was doing a decent job of concealing have finally won and stream down my face. I don’t usually cry but something about this sweet moment has me feeling an intense surge of an emotion I’ve been afraid to put a name to. When I finally get the courage to look up, Jack cups my face and leans down to give me a soft kiss, just a gentle slide of his lips against my own.
“Don’t cry, baby.”
“I love you, Jack. I’ve always loved you.”
“I love you too, Benji. It’s always been you and it always will be you.”
I stand on my tiptoes and pull Jack down by the back of his neck. The kiss is unhurried and gentle, first our lips pressing against each other and then the gentle slide of his tongue into my mouth. Unlike a lot of our kisses, this kiss isn’t meant to lead to sex and it isn’t naughty. What it undeniably is though is the most romantic kiss of my entire life so far.
“Let’s go get our first Christmas tree together. I want this to be a special year for us, despite everything that led us here.”
“Okay, Jack. Let’s go cut down a tree. Just promise me you won’t go National Lampoon's Christmas and demand that we bring home something massive.”
“Don’t worry, I know how tall my ceilings are and I for one happen to have a very green thumb.”
I look around Jack’s apartment at all of his houseplants and laugh because it practically looks like a nursery.
“Yeah, I think that much is pretty obvious.”
Jack drives us up into the mountains to go hunting for the perfect tree. He pulls onto a random back road and I gulp because it’s pretty much unplowed and the snow is really piled up. Jack throws the Jeep into four-wheel drive and lets out a boisterous laugh as we start bumping along. I panic and grab the oh shit handle as I start really bouncing off my seat.
“Hold on, baby. It’s gonna be bumpy but we don’t have that far to go.”
“What if we get stuck?”
“I have a shovel and a wench, we’ll be fine. I’ve been off roading in the snow a few times and I’ve never actually gotten stuck. Relax and enjoy it!”
Jack looks over at me briefly, his eyes wild with excitement and a look of pure joy crossing his features. His confidence helps me relax a bit but I still have to hold on for dear life to keep my butt on the seat. Thankfully it is a short drive and then Jack pulls to the side, making me cringe as I worry again about possibly getting stuck.
We’re both dressed in heavy coats, tall snow boots, and beanies. I pull on a pair of mittens and Jack barks out a laugh as he pulls on a pair of wool-lined leather gloves that are clearly meant for manual labor because they’re beat up and ugly. We step around to the back of the Jeep and Jack lifts me onto the trunk area so I’m seated with my legs dangling.
“Aren’t you cute with your little mittens.” Jack leans down to kiss my cold nose and pulls my beanie down more to cover my ears. “It’s too deep to walk in without snowshoes.”
Jack motions to two pairs and begins strapping my feet onto the weird, almost tennis racket looking shoes. Once we’re both strapped in, Jack picks me up again and sets me down gently on my feet. This fucking man, always manhandling me and picking me up like I weight absolutely nothing. This is supposed to be a romantic date but my cock is already thickening in my pants with absolutely no regard for the context or the cold.
Jack grabs a handsaw, a thing of rope, and leads me into the forest. We’re all alone and with the thick layer of snow muting all of the sound it feels like we’re the only people in the entire world.
We walk for what feels like an eternity. My feet feel heavy from the snowshoes and my thighs are burning from exertion by the time we finally reach a tree that Jack deems worthy. It’s a smaller fir tree, only about six feet, but it has even branches and won’t require any shaping to look nice.
“Come on, let’s take a picture together with our first tree before I chop it down.”
Jack slips a glove off and retrieves his phone from his pocket before he pulls me into his arms. I smile up at the camera, happily tucked under his arm and our little tree in the frame just to my side. Jack holds up his screen to show me the picture; we both have red noses and look so happy it’s almost disgusting.
“This is definitely going to be my new profile picture.” Jack smiles and leans down to kiss my cold, red nose one more time.
I can’t help but record Jack as he squats down and begins effectively sawing at the trunk. He looks like a sexy lumberjack as he pushes his auburn hair out of his eyes and wipes sweat from his forehead. The efficiency with how quickly he fells the tree is also sort of sexy. He calls out to me to stand way back and once I’m safely out of the way he saws a few more times and the tree falls to the ground with a loud crack.
Jack makes quick work of tying it with the rope, binding all of the branches upwards so they aren’t damaged by the walk back to the car. He’s so adept with the rope that my mind flashes to crazy fantasies of him trussing me up and having his way with me. I swear, this man has turned me into a total horn-dog. Sex is constantly on my mind and I find myself constantly thinking about new ways that Jack could fuck me.
My thoughts keep me distracted so the walk to the car feels more manageable than the walk to the tree was. When we get to the Jeep I stand around awkwardly as Jack pulls out a small step ladder and somehow hoists the entire tree onto the roof rack by himself. My man is a natural fucking lumberjack and by the time he’s tied the tree down my cock is pressed painfully against my zipper.
“Ready to head home, Benji?”
“No.”
“No?” Jack cocks his head in confusion and then smiles and shakes his head when I open up the door to the backseat. “Benji, have you been in the backseat of a Jeep Wrangler? It’s tiny, I don’t think we can actually fuck back there.”
“Just wanna kiss for a bit.”
We both know I’m lying but Jack indulges me and climbs into the back seat. As soon as the door shuts behind me I scramble into his lap, bumping my head on the low ceiling. He isn’t wrong, it really is tiny back here but I’m too desperate to care.
“So hot watching you be all lumberjack-like.”
Jack starts mouthing at my neck and I can’t help but let out a needy whine in response, grinding my hips against his stomach.
“Fuck, you’re already hard.”
“Was hard the whole way back to the car and then you hoisted that huge tree onto the Jeep and now I’m leaking.”
“So fucking desperate for me, aren’t you baby?”
“Always, Jack.”
I pull Jack’s face from my neck and practically begin mauling him with the fervor of my kiss. I’m so worked up that I can feel my cock leaking profusely and I’m sure my briefs are a mess. I slip my tongue into his mouth and Jack obliges, letting me explore and rock my hips against his waist.
We’ve only been kissing for a few minutes when I feel pleasure start tingling down my spine. I should stop grinding but the friction is so fucking good that I can’t, even though it means I’m about to embarrass myself.
My orgasm washes over me and I pull back from Jack and let out a horribly desperate moan as my come paints the inside of my briefs and leaks into my jeans, leaving a very obvious wet patch.
“Fuck Benji, did you just come from making out? I didn’t even touch you.”
“I uh got a little bit worked up.”
Jack stares down at the wet patch and thumbs at it a bit, making me hiss because the head of my cock is still right there. He continues gently stroking for a moment and I can feel my blush spreading from my cheeks all the way down my chest.
“You’re so fucking hot. I love how excited that little eager cock of yours gets. You just can’t hold back, can you?”
“Not with you I can’t.”
“Let’s go home and get our tree set up and then I’ll fuck you under the Christmas lights.”
The drive back is bumpy but we only get stuck for a moment while turning around and Jack is able to get us out quickly. It turns out his Jeep is a beast and trudges through the snow with ease and by the time we get back onto the main road I’m starting to actually enjoy the bumpy experience. The rest of the drive passes by quickly, although the wetness in my pants dries into a crusty, uncomfortable mess.
Jack lets me help haul the tree up his stairs but insists that I hold the top and go up first so he’s bearing the brunt of the weight. We heft the tree into the house and Jack makes quick work of getting the stand set up. I use this time to slip into the bedroom and change into some clean clothes and scrub the dried come from my dick and groin.
Jack has definitely done this more than a few times because after less than twenty minutes we begin stringing the tree with lights. We decided to go with multi-colored lights because we both agreed that it feels more festive than white alone. Christmas music plays softly in the background and Jack even pulls out a festive candle that smells like vanilla and balsam.
It’s all so very domestic and for the first time in years I feel a real sense of home. My own parents haven’t spoken to me in years, we basically went no contact as soon as I turned eighteen. Their disapproval of my sexuality seemed to override their love for me and they haven’t even tried to reach out to repair what they broke.
Now, as I reach around the tree and hand the man of my dreams a string of lights I feel oddly emotional. I feel like I belong here, like this is my home even though I haven’t officially moved in. Jack and I spend most nights together though we do bounce between both of our places. Jack’s apartment feels homier than mine in some ways, partially because of the sheer number of plants, but also because it feels so very Jack-like and Jack himself now feels like home.
Once the lights are strung and we’ve gotten them as evenly distributed we begin pulling out bins of decorations. The first one we open is very small and Jessica’s swirly handwriting is immediately noticeable. There’s a set of three blue baubles, a set of snowmen, and a little green Christmas tree all strung with blue string.
“I remember how excited she was when we bought these.” Jack delicately holds up the snowman and looks over at me with a sad smile.
“She got them after her first really successful year doing real estate. I remember she insisted on driving down to Portland so she could buy them in person. We made a whole day of it and when she finally had her ornaments in hand she had the best smile, like she had finally succeeded in life based on those ornaments alone.”
“Jess definitely had a sense of style and while she wasn’t crazy into Christmas, what few decorations she did have were classy as fuck. Unlike mine.” Jack motions to the box behind him and we both chuckle and shake our heads because Jack’s ornaments that he inherited from his parents practically screamed gaudy 1990s.
“Yeah, she joked with me that she dodged a bullet when you wanted those.”
“I’m sure she did. She told my mom that they were ‘fugly’ and we needed to invest in new ornaments. Personally, I like that they never upgraded them. We had the same ornaments my entire life and now using them brings back a lot of good memories. A lot of the later memories are actually of you spending Christmas with us.”
“And you glaring at me and pouting the whole time. One year I overheard you ask your mom ‘why does he have to be here’ in the most petulant tone ever.”
“I mean, did you stick around and hear what I said next?”
“Nah, I wasn’t about to get caught eavesdropping, so I skedaddled out of there.”
“I told her I thought it was really inappropriate for Jess’ little boyfriend to be at our Christmas and she laughed at me. At the time, I couldn’t figure out why but now I’m pretty sure she thought I was kidding when I called you Jess’ boyfriend.”
“I’m pretty obviously a twink, I think they assumed it went without saying.”
“Apparently, I’m an idiot.”
“We both kind of were. I could have been honest with you about my feelings years ago.”
“I was a dick to you, it makes sense you weren’t going to be vulnerable like that with me.”
“Do you think Jessica thought we’d get here? That we’d end up together eventually? I can’t help but wonder why she never gave us a little push.”
“I think Jessica figured we’d both pull our heads out of our asses eventually. I’m just sad she isn’t here to see us together. It feels so weird celebrating Christmas and pretending nothing has changed even though I lost my sister and my whole life has changed.”
I reach out and lace my fingers through Jack’s, giving him a light squeeze. We stare at the box of ornaments, both contemplating what to do.
“I don’t think either of us is pretending nothing has changed. I think we’re just kind of accepting that there isn’t anything we can do to bring her back or make things go back to how it was. I think acceptance and allowing yourself to be happy despite the grief is sometimes the hardest part. I’m happy we’re celebrating this year together and I’m also devastated that we’re hanging up her ornaments as a type of memorial.”
I reach out and snag one of the little snowmen and hand it to Jack by the string. He frowns for a moment and then nods in acceptance as he hangs it up in the very center of the tree. We distribute the remaining Tiffany’s ornaments so that they’re all clearly on display and then begin filling in the rest of the tree with Jack’s vintage ornaments.
The two sets look like a stark contrast to one another but I like it because the tree feels like we’re paying homage to Jack’s family. I might not have been related to Jessica or her parents but in many ways they were the only family I had for years.
“Okay, time to put up the star.” Jack reaches into the bin and pulls up a gaudy light up star. “We also have a 90s angel but I swear that one is a literal fire hazard.”
“Pass on the angel, I saw one of those go up in flames when I was a kid and I can’t really look at them without cringing. Literal fire hazard for sure.”
Jack hands the star to me and I cock an eyebrow because I’m far too short to be able to reach the top of the tree. Most of the ornaments by the top of the tree were placed there by Jack.
“Up you go, baby.”
“What-” I let out a squeak as Jack picks me up like I’m a literal child and holds me up so I can put the star on the top. I do so as fast as I can because surely this isn’t comfortable for him. Once the star is situated, Jack lets me slide down the length of his body, my back against his firm chest. His arms immediately wrap around me and we spend a moment staring at our very first Christmas tree together.
“Are you ready to christen the tree?”
“You were serious about fucking me next to the tree?”
“I’m always serious about fucking you, Benji. Plus, only one of us came in our pants earlier. I think my balls are still a lovely shade of blue.”
Jack spreads his thick couch blanket on the floor in front of the tree, pulling the edges until it’s flat. He steps away from the tree to flick off all of the lights so that the only glow in the room is coming from the multi-colored lights on the tree. I have to admit, it does make for a cozy, romantic ambiance with the low lights and the soft Christmas music.
He wastes no time and begins stripping down, his cock already hard and pressed against his abs. Jack throws a pillow and a bottle of lube on the blanket and then lays down, staring up at me expectantly. I raise a questioning eyebrow as I begin stripping my own clothes.
“You gonna ride me, baby?”
I bite my lip and nod shyly. Being on top, especially with Jack spread out fully beneath me, makes me feel on display and exposed. It’s a bit silly, really. Especially considering how many times I’ve let this man film me in the most intimate positions. I throw a leg over his waist and Jack stares up at me in awe.
“You’re so fucking pretty, Benji. Wanna watch you sit on my cock.”
I get down on my knees so that his cock is between my cheeks and Jack quickly grabs the lube. He’s clearly worked up because he pushes two fingers inside my hole and begins quickly loosening me up. I lean forward against his chest, panting as his fingers repeatedly graze my prostate but never give quite enough stimulation. By the time he’s worked up to three fingers I’m practically desperate to have him inside of me.
“Please, please. I’m good, I just need you inside of me now.”
“I am inside of you, baby.”
To prove his point, Jack crooks his fingers and massages my prostate, drawing out a slew of fucks as I grind down against him. Pleasure starts pooling in my groin and I let out a high, needy sound.
“Jack, too close. Wanna come on your cock, please.”
“Love when you beg for it.”
Jack slicks his cock and holds it up, nudging it against my loosened hole. My own cock is pressed against my groin, a messy trail of precum leaking all over as I begin sliding down. We fuck so often that Jack slides right in, letting out a low groan as I take him to the hilt in one fluid motion. My ass and thighs are flush against Jack’s pelvis. He stares up at me with a soft smile before placing his hands on my hips, guiding me up the length of his cock and then back down in a slow, sensual slide.
“Topping from the bottom, are we? Thought you wanted me to ride you?”
I begin rolling my hips, sliding up and down his length but mostly just circling my hips so that I can grind his tip against my prostate. My cock twitches and Jack reaches out to give me a long stroke, his fist swallowing the entirety of the shaft, only the very tip showing through. The image does me in and I let out a high sound and grind down one last time as ropes of come paint my chest.
“Fuck baby, I can barely get my hand on this little cock before you start making a mess.”
I bite my lip shyly and lift up so only the tip is inside before I begin riding him in earnest, fucking myself up and down as Jack lets out a surprised groan. I’m determined not to be the only one with a hair trigger today so I clench down on each out stroke, enjoying the way Jack’s eyes roll back and his hips begin desperately jutting up as an unexpected orgasm washes over him. I slide all the way down his cock and then lean to rest my head against his firm chest.
“I think we need to have you on top more often, fuck. I’ve never had someone ride me like that. I can’t believe I came that fast; I’d be embarrassed but thankfully you have that hair trigger yourself and came first.”
I lean over to suck Jack’s nipple into my mouth, enjoying the way he hisses and the feeling of his spent dick twitching inside me.
“Can I keep you warm for a bit?”
Jack runs his hand through my curls and wraps his other arm around my waist, holding me tight against him.
“Anytime you want. There’s nowhere I’d rather be than inside of you.”
We both sigh and relax against each other, turning to stare at the lights on the tree. It’s hard to fathom how I’ve lost so much this year and also seemingly gained everything.