Chapter 34
Hours passed, and still my mate did not return. Curled in the bed, I stared out the windows at the pale moonlight flickering over the still lake. The night was cloudless and clear, unlike my conscience. Unlike my soul.
Tears leaked from my eyes, creating a downpour all of their own. With Vaeron, our steps were always out of sync, the tune in our heads playing to different melodies.
So why did I expect him to continue our dance when he finally uncovered my deceit rather than dropping my hands and leaving me standing in the middle of the ballroom?
Hateful thoughts thundered in my ears.
Hypocrite.
Murderer.
The faces of the southern recruits who rode around me every day flashed through my mind. The healer who had given me a sleeping draught. Thalessa and the other royal sentinels the males spoke with frequently. Even Elessarum friends whom I hadn’t seen in years.
All of them would have perished had we continued under the false pretense of my prophecy.
I’d wanted everyone else to hurt as much as I did. And oh, how I had succeeded in that. Vaeron hadn’t even closed off his connection after stomping out, and his rage battered me like a hailstorm.
Purple lightning streaked the sky. A sob rose in my chest. And this time, rather than smothering it, I let myself feel. For so long, I’d been focused on surviving. First in hiding. Then at the palace. And now, among soldiers headed to the front of a war I didn’t believe in.
They thought I would save them all. Vaeron thought I saved him.
How could we ever move forward if all we did was stab knives into each other’s backs?
I didn’t want to anymore. The animosity between us was exhausting. I wanted more nights where we danced on the treetops, the world shrunk to only the two of us. Where there was no future to worry about. No war. No cage.
Each hot tear rolled down my cheek, soaking my pillow.
Lyriasthe drifted in, the soft pad of her feet on the floor louder than a death knell. “Are you ready to talk?”
I sniffed, wiping my nose on my sleeve. “No,” I croaked, hoping she’d leave again.
Instead, she sighed and climbed into the bed beside me. Like Heraphia had done so many times when we were younglings. Like I’d done while we were forced to sit in the Divine Atrium and See day after day.
“Where’s Maelsar?” I whispered, my back still to her.
“Trying to find him,” she replied.
I could have helped—our bond would lead me straight to him after all—but I didn’t want to see him. His presence in my mind, in my heart, in my soul was enough.
At this point, if it were possible to rid ourselves of our fated connection, I was certain we’d both try.
“He knows where Vaeron likes to hide,” Lyriasthe added. “After all, they spent centuries here together.”
Because they were friends like Heraphia and I used to be.
It’s your fault she’s dead. You should have done more. She’d be so disappointed in you now.
Hot salt clawed down my cheeks, blurring the night.
“He found out I lied to him about the prophecy,” I admitted, my voice so low I almost hoped Lyriasthe didn’t hear.
But she did. “I figured that’s what this was all about.”
Silence stretched between us, tightening and tightening until I could no longer stand it. “Am I a terrible person for sentencing millions to die because I wanted him to hurt like I was?”
I braced for Lyriasthe to call me selfish. For her to curse my name. For her to hate me. Fuck, I wanted that. Because then I’d have confirmation of how I felt about myself.
“You would never have let it come to that,” she said, shocking me to my core.
I flipped over, brows furrowing. “You’re not mad that I made you keep this secret all this time?”
Her sky-blue eyes searched mine. “Only if you let this be the end. I can see how much you love each other. I can also see how you continue to keep score of your wrongs.”
“I want to stop.” I exhaled, flopping onto my back and staring at the ceiling. “Being loved by Vaeron is a painful, messy thing. It terrifies me. Because this person I feared from my very first vision isn’t the monster I thought he was. But he has the power to hurt me…and he’s used it.”
All the moments I’d shattered because of him flicked through my mind like a litany of sins. But Lyriasthe was right. Holding onto them was only hurting me. “I don’t want to suffer anymore. I have to let go of the past if I want to move forward.”
“We all do,” Lyriasthe murmured. “Sylaira, I’m fucking terrified of what will happen when we reach the front.”
I caught her gaze, one tear slipping out and sliding down her cheek. She shook her head and wiped it away like it never happened.
“Truly?”
“Yes,” she whispered. “I don’t want to die. I haven’t lived enough.”
“Neither have I.” I hadn’t danced for an audience. I hadn’t been the premier in the Sleeping Maiden or the Dark Swan. I hadn’t danced the Ashrain for Vaeron.
The bond twisted behind my ribs like I’d thought my mate into existence. I sat upright, peering into the darkness. Lyriasthe did too, squinting. From the shadows, Vaeron and Maelsar appeared.
The world fell away as I locked eyes with my mate. Through the glacial hue, his soul shone through. The ache of my hatred. The desire to be enough for me. The fierce protectiveness that had won me over time and time again.
“Can we talk?” he rasped.
“Yes,” I whispered.
Lyriasthe gave my hand a squeeze and slid from the bed. “I’ll be right outside if you need me.”
I nodded, and she and Maelsar left us.
Vaeron approached, kicking off his boots and settling on the side of the mattress. Tentatively, he reached for me. I ached to lean into his touch. To seek the comfort only he could offer.
And I knew that if I didn’t, there might never be repairing this rupture. So when his palm cupped my cheek, I lifted my hand and placed it over his.
“Sylaira.” My name was a prayer and a plea wrapped in velvet. “I understand why you lied. You’d just had a vision after I made you believe that you were taking virelthorn.”
He retreated, the warmth of him lingering on my skin. To my shock, he slid off the bed and onto his knees. I edged closer, peering down at him.
“I thought what I was doing was right.”
Fury flickered inside me. Was he seriously going to justify his actions again?
“But I hurt you. Badly. And I should have known there was nothing that could justify doing that. I am sorry.”
My breath hitched. He held my gaze, unwavering and brimming with regret.
And I…believed him.
“Sylaira, please.” He reached up, gripping my knees like he didn’t trust that I wouldn’t flee him. “I am so sorry. For everything. I should have been honest with you about what Iaoth wanted. I should have begged you then to stop taking the virelthorn willingly.”
He paused, and still I said nothing, stunned to my core.
“I am begging you now to forgive my sins against you. I fucking love you, little fugitive. I want to say it every morning and every night. I want to speak it into your mind when you least expect it. I want to worship you as I watch you dance.”
He dropped his head to the bed, inhaling a shaky breath. “I want to be your everything. The place you come to seek comfort. The person you count on to support you. Because I cannot live without you. It’s killing me inside.”
I stroked his hair, and he lifted his face. My fingers fell to his, twining with them. “It’s killing me too. I wanted you to hurt like I was.”
“I know.”
“I forgive you, Vaeron.”
Relief softened his features.
“And I’m sorry too,” I whispered. “After you spoke of regicide, I should have told you the truth. I want them dead. I don’t want everyone else I love to die to make that happen.”
He rose, and I tilted my chin to look up at him. “Will you work with me to make that happen?”
“Yes.”
“Will you tell me everything you See?”
“Yes.”
“Will you lower your walls and let me in?”
“From now on…always,” I promised, more tears stinging the back of my nose. The vines that had been constricting my chest for weeks finally fell away. A choked cry caught in my throat.
“No more secrets between us,” Vaeron swore, clutching me to his chest. The rapid beat of his heart mirrored my own.
“No,” I murmured. Easing back, I looked up into his changing eyes. “But there is one more thing.”
“What’s that, little fugitive?” The way he spoke my nickname rolled a shiver down my spine.
“If we’re going to commit treason together, we need to remove those bronze threads.”
The smile he offered me was downright wicked. Wretched. Devastating. “Once we go down this path, there is no going back.”
“Why would I ever want to return to what once was?” I replied. “I’ve wanted your magic free since the moment they stitched the threads into your skin. Even if I was furious with you. You sacrificed the most important piece of you for me.”
“And I’d do it again,” he swore, capturing the back of my neck, his fingers twisting in my hair.
“You are everything to me. The mirror that shows me my core truth. I thought we couldn’t have been more different, but I was wrong.
Our pain is the same. We’re both bound to fates we didn’t want. But together? We’ll transcend.”
“Then let’s get started,” I said, my voice strong and steady.
“Maelsar!” he called out.
In seconds, his second-in-command appeared in the doorway. “What?”
“Get your blades and some sape.”
Maelsar’s brows furrowed. “What for?”
“It’s time to remove Iaoth’s collar.”