19. Hana
“The guys scored,” Paloma said after I’d finished telling them about growing up down the street from Paxton, my brother’s struggles, and my mom’s vindictive control, all of which had contributed to Paxton’s eventual decision to break up with me.
After a brief hesitation, I added the details about my miscarriage and Paxton not responding to the texts I’d sent him until he showed up in California.
Millie sat, a piece of popcorn almost to her lips, just staring.
Ida Jane growled. “I’m going to throttle him.”
“I could whack him with my putter,” Keelie offered.
“Oh! They scored twice,” Naomi said, glancing over at the game. “And you didn’t have his number anymore. You told us that, Hana. His father changed it, remember?”
Paloma rose from her wingback chair and headed into the kitchen. She came back with the pitcher of virgin mojitos Naomi had mixed and topped off our glasses. “Silas didn’t sign him out of the draft because of his behavior after he broke up with you,” she noted. “He said Naese was less grounded, wilder, than he’d originally thought. If Lewis had worked out instead of choking for the first forty games, I’m not sure Silas would have ever considered Naese again.” She squeezed my hand gently. “I just thought you should know that.”
“Well, I can’t say I want bad things for Pax,” I told them. “He was my safe harbor for years.”
“Until he betrayed you,” Ida Jane said.
“Led around by his dick.” Naomi shook her head.
“Some of them do go wild,” Millie said.
A look of understanding passed between Ida Jane, Millie, and Naomi—one I didn’t totally comprehend. But I realized we were part of the same sisterhood. We’d gotten involved with men who had much more extensive sexual histories than we did.
“I don’t like how that makes me feel,” I said. I wrapped my hands around my elbows.
“None of us do,” Naomi said quietly.
“I’m not sure it’s a good idea to be here now, but I couldn’t stay in that lab with Jeremy, not after what Jeremy did,” I said. “He manipulated me. And no man should grab and threaten a woman—or anyone.”
“You got that right,” Millie said. “If you ever want to learn self-defense, I’ve been thinking about teaching a class.”
“Ooooh, I’d like that for Trix and me,” Paloma said. “Beatrix is our daughter,” she explained to me.
“Cool. Now that I’ve decided not to return to my position, I’m looking for something to do,” Millie said.
“Besides blow millions of bucks?” Ida Jane said. She bumped shoulders with her friend.
Millie sighed. “Yes, Idge, besides that.”
Keelie wrapped a supportive arm around my shoulders. “If it doesn’t work out with Naese, just tell one of us. We’ll help you get on your feet. You shouldn’t have to stay trapped in a situation where you aren’t happy simply because it’s what’s available. And for the record, I’ve always found Naese to be far more even-keel than some of these boneheads. No disrespect.” She offered a smile to the group.
“You can throw Silas into the group of boneheads in his youth,” Paloma noted. “It’s part of why he was disappointed in Naese and didn’t draft him like he’d originally planned. It’s not that he doesn’t believe in second chances?—”
“Silas is great about second chances,” Keelie piped in.
“And our guys managed to get past their mistakes and make solid decisions for their current circumstances and their futures,” Ida Jane said. “I mean, by the time I met Maxim, he was years past sowing wild oats.”
“Same with Adam,” Naomi added.
“And Silas,” Paloma said. “And Naese.”
“It doesn’t make your stomach knot to know they’ve had those experiences with other women?” I asked.
“Every damn time I thought about it, for years,” Naomi said. “Which was too often.” She took a sip of her drink and set it aside with a sigh. She smiled at her son playing with his toes on the thick, soft blanket at her feet. “But there came a point that I had to decide: was I going to focus on a past I couldn’t change or create a life and a future I wanted—that I controlled?”
She grimaced. “I detest Adam’s past. He knows that. He works hard to ensure I know I’m his priority now. Well, me and this little guy. But I had to choose to forgive him for things he did before I knew him.”
I licked my lips. “That’s the difference. I was with Paxton, and he left me—alone—so he could party and hook up.”
“But now you know it was his father’s urging,” Keelie said.
“And your mother, too, from what Paxton and your brother told you,” Ida Jane added. “I mean, that’s a lot of pressure.”
I stared down at my hands in my lap. “If he loved me enough, wouldn’t he have fought for me—for us?”
“Sounds like a question you’ll need to ask him,” Paloma said. “And while I’m not defending his choice, he was young. Young people often listen to their parents.”
“As good a job as you’ve done talking through the original sticking point and breakup, there still seem to be things you two need to work out,” Ida Jane said.
“I get the sense there’s more to the story than possibly even Naese knows,” Paloma said, watching me carefully.
I’d wondered the same thing. It just seemed odd that once Paxton and I had gotten serious, like marriage serious, his dad had started pushing for us to break up. I knew Mr. Naese and my mother didn’t get along, but that shouldn’t have had any bearing on my relationship with Paxton. I worried my lower lip.
“I think you need to know what that is so you can decide whether or not you can forgive Naese for his choice,” Millie said.
“And if I can’t?” I looked over at Ida Jane. “That’s why I left after the game. There doesn’t seem to be a point to building a relationship with you all—as wonderful as you’ve been—if I’m going to lose you.”
“That’s not how the CATS work,” Paloma said. “We’re a tight-knit group. A family. And we still support our CATS, even if they divorce or break up.”
“It can get awkward if the new partner shows up at the same event as a former partner, but I don’t think we’ve had any serious issues,” Keelie said, glancing around to confirm. The others nodded.
“I’m the quiet one,” I said. “I don’t make friends that quickly or easily.”
“Neither do most of us, contrary to how we may seem,” Naomi said. “A lot of us have our own trauma, our own reasons not to trust easily. I think that’s a big part of why we can be so welcoming.”
Brooks started to cry, which set off Bree. Both Keelie and Millie moved away to deal with their babies.
When they all headed out, with apologies, a few minutes later, all I could do was exhale in relief. Paloma caught me doing so and smiled. “We’re a lot, I know, but our hearts are good.”
“They are,” I agreed.
She gave me a friendly side hug and then she, too, was gone.
I stared around the large, empty house and sighed. “Well, time to clean up.”
By the time I’d put everything away, I was too tired to climb the stairs. I settled on the couch and tucked myself in.
“I’ll move my stuff to the guest room tomorrow,” I mumbled as I closed my eyes.
I have no idea how long I’d been out when a set of warm arms slid around me, cuddling me to thick pectoral muscle. “Pax,” I mumbled, snuggling closer to his familiar smell and solid bulk.
“Right here, baby.”
He carried me up the stairs and helped me into bed. He smoothed my hair from my face. I lifted one droopy eyelid and offered him a smile. Pax grinned back. He knelt next to the bed with a soft, happy expression. “Ah, Hana, I’m glad you’re here, in my house, in this bed, where you belong.”
I bit my lip because in that moment, I wanted nothing more than to belong to him. I clasped his wrist as he lifted his hand from my temple. “Stay with me?”
His smile turned dazzling. “Nothing I want more.”
I buried into the pillows, lulled into slumber by the softness. He slid in behind me and his arm wrapped around my middle, his nose buried in my hair.
“I love you, Hana,” he said. His voice cracked. “I’ve missed you terribly.”
And for the first time, I truly believed him.