20. Paxton
Holding Hana in my arms again was a dream come true. She was warm and soft and smelled delicious—like Hana. I slid into a deep, welcome rest and woke more refreshed than I’d been in months, possibly years…and with a raging hard-on nestled between Hana’s slender thighs. I yawned as I snuggled my hips closer. Hana whimpered, pressing her cute butt against my groin.
Awake now, I rocked forward again, groaning at how good the friction felt against my dick. Much to my surprise, Hana wiggled her ass and arched even closer.
“You feel good,” I murmured.
“More, Paxton.” She panted as she pressed back. “I need more!”
I smiled, enjoying her demanding tone. I tightened my arm across her waist and splayed my fingers over her belly as I rocked against her. She whimpered my name. I ground into her soft ass and thighs again and again.
Our breathing quickened, and sweat bloomed along her neck. I nuzzled into her warm skin and licked the saltiness as I rocked back and forth. “Han…not going to last… You’re so special to me, baby…so sweet.”
“T-touch me,” Hana begged. “I need to come. Gah—I need to come!” Her soft voice shrilled as she thrust her hips back against me. I shifted my hips so I could bump against her soft, sweet little ass. We panted as we ground together, our limbs and breaths intertwined.
She keened as she stiffened, her body wound tight, like she might break. And she did… I picked up the pace as her juices soaked her panties and my briefs. Delicious tension built at the base of my spine, my balls drew up tight…and I crested, too.
The release went on and on, thick and rich, draining in the best possible way. It was only after a moment, when my breathing began to even out, that I realized Hana had removed my hand from her knee.
I sat up. “Did I hurt you?” I asked, horror seeping through the relaxation and euphoria.
She shook her head but kept her chin tilted to her chest. “No. I should shower.”
“Hana…”
“It’s fine, Pax. Really.” She smiled over her shoulder, but it didn’t reach her normally warm brown eyes. “It was really, really good. Thank you.”
She scooted off the bed and wobbled toward the bathroom. I looked at my saturated underwear and flopped onto my back with a curse. I glanced over at the closed bathroom door and finally understood how the women I’d slept with during that first year Hana and I were apart must have felt. I’d thanked them for getting me off, then I’d jetted out of their lives.
“Rejection fucking sucks,” I muttered.
It was even worse from the person I loved, but I should have known Hana wasn’t ready for intimacy.
Before, we’d shared everything. Been each other’s first and learned to love together. Now, we’d had our own lives, lovers, and disappointments that didn’t include the other person. Relearning and realigning together wasn’t as easy as one amazingly good orgasm. Unfortunately.
And I’d need to be vulnerable, put myself out there, if I wanted to reconnect to Hana. She’d been brave enough to come here, to give me this chance. I wasn’t going to mess it up.
So if she needed a bit of space to regroup, I’d give it to her, but that didn’t mean I’d let her hide from our chemistry, from how good we’d been together. She and I both deserved this chance to explore each other’s bodies and hearts. We also deserved that happy-ever-after so many of my teammates were living.
As I stared at the ceiling, I vowed to get there with her. Whatever it took. I was all in.
* * *
Hana
I pulledin a breath as I stared at my flushed face in the mirror. “You dry-humped Paxton to the best orgasm you’ve had in years.”
My lips twisted because the only others that compared to the tingling deliciousness still sizzling through my body right now were the climaxes Paxton had given me years ago. He’d learned to play my body to perfection—or maybe my body had wanted him to play it to perfection and capitulated easily. Whatever the reason, I was still giddy from the high-school-style sex session.
“We shouldn’t have done that,” I muttered. “We can’t do that again.”
I gave myself a nod, even though I wasn’t sure why I was acting this way. I yearned to crawl back into bed with Pax and rub against him everywhere until he made me come and come and come until I passed out.
Yet that seemed irresponsible. Hedonistic…perfect.
No! Right the urge and get in the shower. Get clean and gain perspective.
“Staying here was a mistake,” I said.
“It’s not a mistake,” Paxton called through the door. “We’re not a mistake. What happened in our bed wasn’t a mistake. And I’m glad you’re here. Don’t make it weird, Han.”
I couldn’t help but smile, even as I rolled my eyes. “Don’t make it weird,” I whispered.
Everything was weird.
And I was happy, most probably because of the weirdness.
After my shower and a fresh set of clothes over my brace, I squared my shoulders and headed into the empty bedroom. I blinked. Where was Paxton? Didn’t he want to talk? We should talk.
My nose twitched at the scent of coffee. I headed down the stairs, holding the banister for support. Paxton was in the kitchen, his damp hair curling at his neck and ears. He wore track pants and a dark T-shirt that had been washed one too many times to call it black.
“Hey,” he said cautiously. He raised his mug and took a sip, seemingly so he didn’t say anything else. After setting it down, he picked up another thick, ceramic mug and offered it to me. The tea tag fluttered, and I noted that it was a brand of breakfast tea I’d preferred when I was in college.
Warmth saturated my chest as I realized how hard he was trying. Still, my steps were hesitant as I eased toward him, accepting the offering. Our fingers brushed, and his pupils dilated as I took a breath.
The air between us seemed to crackle as we stared at each other. Eventually his face softened, and he stepped back, leaving me bereft and thankful—two mutually exclusive options that were somehow deeply connected. Emotions were hard to grapple with, but I needed to do so.
“So…” I began. I took a fortifying sip of tea, wincing slightly at the heat on my palate. “So…I don’t regret what we did.”
Paxton’s chest expanded and his Adam’s apple dipped. “Good.” His voice was rough, a bit scratchy with emotion. “Good. I don’t either.”
“We still have incredible chemistry.”
Paxton nodded as he lowered his mug. A drop of coffee settled in the dip between the two halves of his lower lip, and I fantasized about leaning up to lick it off. Instead, I sipped from my mug.
“But we’re going at a breakneck speed, and you want to take things slower,” he said. “Be more measured, right?”
I stared at Paxton, and my heart cried out that no, I should shove him against the wall and ravish him. I yearned to feel him inside me, surrounding me, loving and cherishing me.
But that wasn’t smart. That was falling back into the previous pattern that had left me in a hospital bed in tears. It was my turn to heave a deep, cleansing breath. “I don’t blame you for my accident,” I said, because it needed saying. He wasn’t responsible, and I should alleviate any guilt he felt. “Aiki drove that car into the other driver. Aiki insisted on coming with my mother. Aiki is the reason my leg’s never going to be the same.”
That needed to be said, too.
Paxton settled his hips against the counter behind him, seeming to wait patiently for me to finish my thought and work through my emotions.
“So, yeah. That’s that part of our current situation—the past we needed to work through. And I have to say, jumping back into an intimate relationship with you would be satisfying,” I told him.
Paxton’s lips quirked in that partial grin I loved so much.
“But it would also mean I’ve fully accepted and forgiven you,” I continued. “That I’m ready to move forward.” I cleared my throat and forced myself to meet Paxton’s sad eyes. “I’m not there yet.”
His lush lips compressed. “I get that. I respect that. Which is why I suggested you come here, stay with me—get to know me again. I’m not going to pressure you, Hana. It’s too important for us to be together. I won’t push you for even some delicious sex before you’re ready. I don’t want you to have doubts you can’t overcome. I’ll be here for you, and for now, that’s as a friend. Just know that I want more. Much more than that.” He paused a moment, and then laid his last cards on the table. “I want forever. For us to be a family, whatever form that takes. Kids, no kids, fur kids…whatever we decide works for us. That’s what I want, with you.”
I nodded because my throat was too tight for words.
“I need more than that, Hana,” he said after a moment.
I took another sip of my tea and cleared my throat. “I’m pretty sure I want that, too, with you. I just need—I need time, Pax. To trust in this, in loving you, again.”
“Can you say it?” he asked hesitantly. He swallowed, his Adam’s apple dipping low. “Please.”
I knew what he needed, because I’d needed the words as well as the actions. I needed it all, and I should have known he did, too. “I love you, Paxton.”
He closed his eyes and every muscle in his face, then in his shoulders, relaxed. “I love you, too.”
Before I figured out what to say, Paxton’s stomach rumbled loudly. He placed a hand against it and grimaced. “Any chance I can talk you into firing up this insane contraption so we can eat something?”
I set my mug aside with a smile. “If you’re sure…”
“It was for you, Han. Of course I’m sure.”
Delight danced across my skin. “Yeah, I’d love to whip up something. What do you want? Eggs? An omelet? Pancakes?”
“Yes,” Paxton moaned, clutching his abdomen. I noted the faint ridges of muscle as the shirt settled there. He was built for explosive speed and precision, pretty much the opposite of me.
That was okay. I was small next to his large frame. I was quieter next to his voice for opinions and feelings. I was cautious while he was more than willing to jump quickly into something he cared about.
We were opposites in many ways, except when it came to each other. In that, we’d always been in sync. And after a few minutes, we once again fell into an easy rhythm of Paxton cutting and chopping and mixing while I ordered him around.
We made omelets with avocado, spinach, tomato, and bacon and then a thick stack of whole-wheat power pancakes held together with bananas, topped with sliced strawberries and blueberries.
While we worked, we discussed Paxton’s upcoming game schedule and my new position, which I’d start on Monday. It was companionable—nice. It was everything I’d missed and yearned for the past few years.
After Paxton had demolished the majority of both dishes and proclaimed the expensive range more than worth it, he sat back in his chair and stared at me over the rim of his second and last cup of coffee. “Would you be willing to come to our game on Tuesday? I know you’re just starting your job and it may be a lot, but you can sit in the owner’s box with Gunnar—I asked him, and he’s delighted to host you. There’s plenty of food, and you’ll have more room to stretch your leg than if you’re down in the stands. I can drive you home afterward, if you want to wait for me.”
Instead of answering his question, I asked, “How are you going to get around if I have your car?”
“Well, I have another vehicle. But more than likely I’ll have one of the guys swing by and pick me up. There’s a reason we’re all in this neighborhood.”
I smiled at him as I set my knife and fork at the edge of my plate, aligned just so, as my mother had always insisted. She’d been a stickler for proper etiquette. It was a habit I’d chosen to maintain after her death.
Most of her habits I hadn’t liked—including the berating and belittling she often did of me and Aiki. It was no wonder my brother had turned to substances. Living with a person who never saw you as good enough, never praised you or said they loved you—that messed with self-confidence and the ability to be open to new relationships.
I still had some stuff to work out and through.
“I’d love to come to your game,” I told him, pushing my concerns away. Paxton hadn’t asked me to do something I didn’t want to do. Supporting him and his work was important, and he’d shown a great capacity for cheering me on; I could and would offer him the same. “Let’s plan on that. But I might be a little late. I really want to learn the applications the team’s using so I can be up to speed and helpful when they do the next simulation.”
Paxton nodded. “Of course. That’s in late March, right?”
I smiled because he was just as interested in the work I was doing as I was. “Yes. Dr. Gerenstein said we’ll test some of my theory on the alloys to keep them from getting too cold and brittle in space. Up to now, it’s all been theoretical because I haven’t had access to the practical application.”
“Even with Space Elevated?”
“Nope. We had simulations, but nothing as state of the art as the zero-gravity lab here.”
“You’re great at math, so I’m sure you nailed it,” Paxton said. He glanced at the clock. I raised my eyebrows.
“We were invited over to Cormac and Keelie’s for a barbecue. That is, if you’re interested…”
My smile widened. “Oh yeah, let’s go. After I clean this up?—”
“I’ll clean up,” Paxton said firmly. “You made the food?—”
“You helped!”
“And I enjoyed eating it. Now you can get ready or relax, whatever you want, while I clean up in here. Then we’ll head on over, okay?”
* * *
And that’show we spent the next couple of weeks: enjoying each other’s company, me attending Paxton’s home games and discussing my work with him on the late-night rides home. We no longer slept together because Paxton respected my need for time and space, and I restrained from inviting him in. I missed him in the bed, but the time to get to know each other was invaluable.
Whenever Paxton was within reach, I found myself touching him Typically, it was just being close, but he liked to hold hands or sling his arm over my shoulders. I loved placing my palm on his thick, hard thigh when we sat on the couch.
It was a slow dance of reconnecting and letting the thrum of desire reach a fever pitch between us. I loved every second of our intricate maneuvering. The euphoria of falling in love with Paxton all over again spilled into my work, letting me connect more easily with my new teammates.
Everything was going well, yet I couldn’t help that niggle of doubt that kept slithering into my consciousness. It kept asking me if I deserved to be this happy when it had been my choice to leave school that day that had inadvertently caused my mother’s death.