24. Hana
Isat on the couch in my spot in Paxton’s—our—living room, totally sauced and grinning. Paxton and I shared family, but we were not related. I gulped as I realized, once again, now close I’d come to losing Paxton the way I’d always wanted him: as my lover. My partner. If that test had reached different results, I would have lost this chance Paxton had given us.
And I’d almost lost it anyway because of the fear that he’d hurt me again—because I’d conflated physical pain with emotional pain, and it was hard to let that go. But I wanted what these amazing women I’d met had with their partners. I wanted to receive what Pax was offering me. Desperately. And that yearning was finally stronger than the fear.
Keelie sprawled next to me like a starfish, seemingly boneless. “I can’t handle all this drama,” she muttered. “Y’all are too much. I thought my daddy leaving us for another family was bad, but Naese’s father fathering your brother? Gross!”
“You know, sharing a brother is awesome,” I said. “I plan to get to know him again, now that he’s clean.”
“He’s in prison, Hana.”
“I know. But I want a relationship with him, I think. But we’ve decided Paxton’s father needs to step up—actually be a dad to Aiki. That’s not something he’s had since he was small.”
“Maybe that’ll help Aiki stay sober and find purpose,” she said.
I shrugged. “Maybe. But I know I need to be a better sister, no matter what Sawyer does. Aiki’s been mean and lashed out, but at least now I can kind of understand why.”
“Nothing gave him the right to endanger people’s lives.” Scrunching her nose, Keelie reached for her glass and downed the dregs of her drink. With a sigh and a smack of her lips she rose unsteadily and headed toward the kitchen. “These are way better than mocktails,” she said with a faint hiccup.
Cormac intercepted and tucked her under his protective arm. Good call. She was plastered. But then again, so was I. At least I thought I was. I’d never been drunk before, but this light-headed feeling—almost floating—was delicious. I giggled.
Paxton plopped down next to me, and I blinked up at him. He grinned indulgently. “You look shattered.”
“I am. But in the best way, Pax.”
“Yeah?”
I nodded, and my mind seemed to continue rolling. Weird. I struggled but managed to refocus on Paxton’s face. He stared at me intently, waiting. Oh, right! “I was terrified you’d hurt me, but you haven’t. You won’t. My mind made up those scenarios because I thought I should protect myself.” I touched his cheek. “I don’t need to. You keep telling me you love me, showing me you love me, and I know you do. You’ve proven it often.” I inhaled. “I’m not going to be afraid anymore, Paxton. I know what’s on the line, and our happiness matters.”
His eyes lit up, and a smile bloomed across his face. “You matter, Hana. Your happiness.”
I blinked, and my eyelids tried to glue together. I shook my head. What are we talking about? “So does yours, Pax. We deserve a future. A happy one, now that the way ahead is clear.”
He wrapped his arm around me and gently folded me closer to his large, warm body. But something was weird. Finally, the strangeness dawned on me.
“I can’t feel my lips,” I said against his neck.
“Not even if I do this?” he asked as he kissed me.
“Mmm... I like that,” I mumbled against his mouth.
“Me, too,” he said.
“And, yes, I can feel that, but maybe you should kiss my neck to see if that’s numb.”
Paxton’s smile grew, and I knew he liked this game. I wasn’t an exhibitionist, normally—but the cocktails Ida Jane and Paloma had made had eased my usual inhibitions. Paxton trailed his lips from the corner of my mouth across my cheek, leaving a trail of fire in their wake. I shivered and bit my lip to keep from moaning aloud. Paxton’s dark chuckle caused another shiver to race along my spine and build a deep heat in my belly. My hands found his shoulders as my world began to spin.
He nipped my earlobe, eliciting a gasp as pleasure exploded through my body, shooting outward from my fingertips.
“I think we need to get a drink or two into you some other time,” he said against my throat. “We’ll find a limit where you’re not so close to unconsciousness. Because, Hana, the little sounds you’re making and the way you’re rubbing yourself all over me has me so hard for you.”
“Do something about it.” I gasped.
He kissed his way back up my neck and jawline to my lips, where he pressed a chaste peck. “Not a chance. Like I said, you’re plastered. And I’ve waited this long to make you mine again. I’m more than willing to wait another day—but I’m not saying it won’t be hard.”
I giggled until I realized what he’d said, and then I pouted, which caused Paxton to chuckle as he flicked my lower lip. My lids felt heavy as I stared up into his beautiful eyes. He wrapped an arm around my shoulders and kissed the top of my head as his thighs flexed. “I love you. So very much.”
I nuzzled into his chest and mumbled how much I loved him, too.
* * *
I woke with a groan.My pounding head was immediately eclipsed by nausea, and I barely fell out of the bed in a tangle of sheets in time to crawl to the bathroom and regurgitate last night’s festivities.
After what had to be years of lying limply against the toilet, I managed to haul my aching body upward and into the shower.
Once there I frowned, surprised by how quiet the house was. Where was Pax? I’d expected him to snuggle me all night. The fact that I was now handling my first hangover alone caused my heart to throb along with my head.
After I showered and there was still no sign of Paxton, I dressed in soft clothes that didn’t annoy my hypersensitive skin. Brushing my hair and teeth were a torture of hypersensitivity, and I stumbled out of our bedroom in a haze of annoyance and vague illness.
“Morning,” Naomi said cheerily.
“I hate you,” I informed her.
“You, Keelie, and Ida Jane.” She pointed to a blanket-clad bundle with blond hair poking out the top at the other end of the couch. “You three and Paloma hit the booze pretty hard.”
“Where is Paloma?”
“She went home with Coach, but I have a feeling she’s not fairing much better than you this morning.”
“Where’s Paxton?” I asked.
“The guys went to the rink. You know, to practice. Because they play hockey for a living and are deep in the playoffs.”
“Snark less,” Ida Jane mumbled. “It’s making my head hurt more.”
“Yes, darling,” Naomi sang. I winced. She cackled.
“I want to go to the rink,” I said.
Ida Jane peeked out over the top of her blanket. Her eyes were bloodshot, and her face was pallid. “Why?”
“Because I need to see Pax.”
Naomi rose from the couch and stretched her arms over her head. “Sure. I’ll drive.”
“Where are we going?” Millie asked as she popped out of the kitchen. She had a cup of steaming coffee that I would have shanked her for if I’d had the energy.
“To the arena,” Naomi said. She glanced at me, then at Ida Jane. “After we get these two some painkillers, grease, and caffeine.”
Ida Jane and I slumped at the breakfast bar as we ate the fried sausage and potatoes Naomi placed in front of us. “I wanted to use the range,” Ida Jane said on a sigh. “But Mrs. Naese did a good job with it.”
“Where is she?” I asked.
“She left about ten minutes before you got up.”
“Where?” I asked.
Millie pursed her lips. “To see the lawyer I recommended. About a divorce.”
I nodded. “Good. I hope she takes Mr. Naese to the cleaners.”
Naomi chuckled. “Look at you, Hana! Growing some claws.”
“It’s the quiet ones.” Ida Jane shook her head.
“Well, we never worried about that with you,” Millie said, bumping her friend’s shoulder.
Now that I’d had a few bites of food and the painkiller washed down with strong, black coffee, I was feeling more human.
“So, I really think we should go to the spa or shopping today,” Naomi said.
“I want to go to the rink,” I said again. I was stuck on the need to be near Paxton, and no amount of suggestions or cajoling would change my mind.
We collected a couple of the other partners and wives who’d come over yesterday and stayed at our place last night. I should have been embarrassed by my lack of memory, but most of them had clearly partied hard, too, so I figured my poor hostess skills would be forgiven.
* * *
The pulsingbeat of Ginuwine’s “Pony” blared through the stadium’s speaker system as Millie, Ida Jane, Keelie, Naomi, and I made our way out toward the ice. Naomi was in the front, and she stopped so suddenly, we bonked into her.
“That can’t be what they’re practicing to,” Millie said.
“Unless Coach has a new plan, no,” Keelie said.
“The hell is going on?” I asked. I was getting better at cursing and telling people my mind. I liked this more assertive version of myself, and Paxton did, too.
“I’m glad you ladies showed up,” Paloma said, joining us. “I wanted to call you, but Silas swore me to secrecy.”
“What’s going on?” Millie asked, pushing forward.
After a few nudges and a firm shove from Ida Jane, who was tiny even compared to me, Naomi moved and the rest of us stepped onto the rink floor.
A collective gasp sighed around us. The guys were on skates, but without their pads or gloves or helmets. They wore, well, way less than I was used to seeing them wear on the ice—as in next to nothing because those tight compression pants molded to their firm muscles.
“Holy McMoley,” Ida Jane whispered. “Maxim’s doing…”
Keelie fanned her face. Her eyes went glassy as she focused on her husband, who was swinging his hips even as he skated backward. “They… I never knew Cormac could move like that!”
It was like that crazy dream I’d had watching Magic Mike—the dream that merged male-stripper dance moves with hockey. And, oh my gawd, did these guys pull it off better than I’d imagined.
Millie whimpered, and Naomi whispered a few choice words about Adam’s ass.
The song ended, and the guys regrouped in the middle of the ice. Cormac and Cruz each said a few words before Paxton cupped his hands and yelled, “Again!” up at the sound booth.
He turned back to the guys huddled at the far end of the ice. “This has to be perfect.”
“This has to be a surprise,” Naomi muttered.
“It is,” Paloma said, grinning.
“We shouldn’t be here. They’re obviously working so hard to make it—crap! They noticed us!” Naomi turned around, eyes wild. “Lie,” she hissed. “We saw nothing!”
As one, the guys turned toward us as we milled around, trying to appear nonchalant.
Pax skated over, stopping just at the edge of the ice. He studied me for a moment. “We were practicing,” he said.
“What for?” I asked, trying to ignore the image branded in my brain. Paxton was much better looking than the actor in the movie, and the heat in his eyes was for me. Only me.
I could get drunk all over again off of how much this man loved me. Instead, I took a steadying breath and met his lust-filled gaze with my own.
“A surprise,” he said, his lips kicking up a bit. “But I think you, Miss Nosey, ruined it.”
I gasped. “I did not! I just came to see you?—”
His breath fanned my cheek, tickling the nerve-endings he’d sent into overdrive last night. “Because you wanted to see me?”
“Yes,” I breathed.
“I crave you, too. Naked and staring up at me with those big, soft eyes.” He pulled back enough to see me. After a moment, he leaned in close and murmured against my ear. “Just like that, though I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to be buried inside you right now.”
“For the love of hockey, will you tell me what’s goin’ on?” Ida Jane complained.
“And how I can get season tickets to this show?” Millie added. She sent Stolly a sultry look that I nearly missed thanks to the sensual daze I found myself in.
Stol chuckled and winked at Millie.
“Wanna see what we’ve been working on for you, Han?” Paxton asked. He slid his nose down my cheek. Because he was on skates, he was even taller than normal, so he was basically bent over me. I slid my hands up his warm, thick biceps to his shoulders. I hovered my lips over his and whispered, “Yes.”
“Fuuuuuuck.” Much to my surprise, he didn’t kiss me. Instead, he pushed back, using the momentum to skate away.
“Looks like we’re finished practicing,” Maxim said.
“Time for the main event,” Cormac called. He shot Keelie a smoldering look, and she whimpered as she gripped at my arm.
“Pull yourself together, woman,” Naomi snapped.
“Can’t. He’s damn potent.” Keelie gasped.
“No kidding,” Naomi agreed. “That’s why we have to show them they don’t own us.”
“But they do,” Millie said with wide eyes.
“They really, really do,” I said.
Naomi tossed her hands up. “You’re right. Okay. Let’s sit down. I don’t think our legs will be able to withstand this level of sex appeal.”
My hangover faded still further as I perched on the edge of my seat.
Whoever was manning the sound booth had a great flair for drama because they dropped the lights as the pulsing beat pummeled my ears. But it was Paxton’s ability to move his body—his hips gyrating, his thick thighs and tight butt flexing as he and the guys worked through the dance routine he’d modified for skates—that really got the job done.
His stuttering hips caught my attention, and I licked my lips, but it was the fact that he’d remembered my throwaway comment—that he’d enlisted his teammates in this crazy scheme because he knew I’d find pleasure in the outcome—that pushed me from the teetering edge of love into full-blown adoration.
I’d loved Paxton since I was a child and looked into those bright, curious eyes for the first time. But now he’d become the center of my world. I’d proven I could live without him. I’d finished my degree and even found a new position I loved. I was my own person, but I wanted my destiny intertwined with Pax’s. I planned to spend my days proving to him that he not only deserved my love but made me better because of his willingness to support and love me back.
The dance number ended with the guys on their knees, leaning back until their bare shoulders were against the ice. Their heavy breathing and sweat-slicked bodies showed just how hard they’d pushed themselves.
Naomi wolf whistled while Ida Jane, Keelie, Millie, and I screamed our approval.
“That was a hell of a show.” Paloma stood next to me, her arms crossed.
“One they need to repeat when I’m not hungover and can really appreciate it,” Ida Jane added.
“How did you know about this?” Naomi asked.
Paloma grinned. “Who you do think is running the sound and light board?”
“Coach?” We all gasped.
Paloma’s delighted laugh cut off when she turned back to the ice. “Oh. Well, Hana, I don’t think your show’s over just yet.”
We turned our attention back to the ice, and I frowned because Paxton was no longer there.
“Stand up,” Paloma suggested.
Naomi, Keelie, Ida Jane, and Millie were all clutching hands. I swallowed as I rose on unsteady legs. Paxton was just inside the boards, on his knee, which is why I hadn’t seen him.
On his knee…
A small box nestled in his large hand. He wasn’t… My fingertips went to my lips.
“Hana, I love you,” Paxton said, his voice strong.
I squeaked.
“I’ve always loved, and I always will love you,” he continued.
He was.
“I want you to be in my life, as my wife, always.” His throat worked as he swallowed the emotion that poured from his beautiful eyes.
“We paid for me doubting us before—you so much more than me, and I hate that with every fiber of my being, which is why I want you to know I won’t ever, ever doubt us again.”
I couldn’t speak. Too many scenarios flashed through my mind as I struggled to breathe through the shock.
Pax shifted, and I realized he must be cold, his knee achy from the hard ice. That broke me from my trance, and I shot forward, scrambling through the door so I could throw myself into his arms.
“I know it’s soon,” he said into my hair. “I’m not going to push you right now?—”
“Push. Push hard,” I said. I wrapped my arms tighter around his neck, practically strangling him as I used my good leg to push off the ice and wrap my thighs around his hips.
He chuckled. “No way. I’m not going to push you ever. But I will tell you that I want to marry you right now. Tomorrow. The next day—next week, next month—whenever you’re ready.”
“Oh…oh! How did you… We were just—I can’t believe…”
He slid one hand to cradle the back of my head while the other settled under my butt. “Breathe, baby.”
I leaned back as I blinked up at him. Mere months ago, I’d been tracing raindrops down a window, wishing I could disappear. But now, I held my love, my lover, the other half of my soul between my arms and legs.
“We were just grappling with the fact that we might be related!” I exclaimed.
Paxton smiled. “There is not and never will be anything relational about the way I love you, Hana.” He nipped my lower lip. Electricity blossomed hot and fast between us. “What’s the biologic effect about genetic sexual attraction?”
“The Westermarck Effect. But you never saw me with your mother as an infant, so it wouldn’t apply.”
“I love it when you talk science. Makes me hot.” He kissed me. “Now, I have to point out that from the time you moved in down the street, you were in our house enough that I saw you with my mother every day, Hana. Enough that I would have definitely felt brotherly toward you. I never did because you’re mine. My soul mate. My love. My joy.”
He winked, and I appreciated that he didn’t lay his happiness at my feet. I couldn’t make him happy, not indefinitely, but together, we could build something that grew happiness for both of us.
I laughed. “We weren’t raised as siblings, but I see your point. Though mainly I think you’re just bullheaded and refused to believe it was possible.” I closed my eyes as the fear and anxiety of waiting for the test results washed over me again. “Thank you for having faith in us, Pax. I needed that confidence boost.” I snuggled into his warm embrace. I was home. Finally.
“I’m here for you, however you need me.”
“Well…” I bit my lip, enjoying how his pupils blew wide. “I’m going to need you to show me how much you love me. I mean, if you only love me a little bit then we should probably wait to get married…”
Baiting Pax was fun. Everything about this life we were building together brought me joy. He stared at me, a stern expression crossing his face. “As soon as we get home, Hana Sato, I’m going to worship every inch of you.”
I sucked in a breath. “Promise?” I whispered.
He hugged me tighter, as if he couldn’t bear not to be touching me. I reveled in this connection. How I’d missed it. I’d never take it for granted, I knew. Neither would Paxton.
“Oh yes, I can promise you that,” Paxton rumbled under my ear. “I’d promise you the moon, if I could.”
“I don’t need the moon, Pax,” I said. “I need you.”
“That, my beautiful Hana, you already have.”