38. Kelsey
Kelsey
This tour with L.A. Riot is exactly the bad idea I thought it would be. Riot thinks he can make things better with a few words, an apology, and his cock. But nothing between us can ever be good again.
I run into the bathroom and close the door. Lock it and slide down to the floor. I hurt him tonight. Good. He deserves it.
Nothing in my life will ever be okay again. My life ended the day Harlowe died. I tried to pretend that wasn’t the case, but I just keep going through the motions.
What’s the point anymore?
I can’t move on. I can’t forgive him. I’m barely surviving. And now Marco is after me and the last place I want to be is stuck on a bus with the man who shattered my heart into a million tiny shards.
I’m done.
Curling into the fetal position on the cold tiles, I bury my face in my hands and cry until I can’t anymore. Until my face is numb and my head hurts. It’s still nothing compared to the pain in my chest.
What am I even holding on for? Why am I still pretending I am strong?
I drag myself up from the floor, my feet propelling me toward the vanity and the shelves in the cabinet behind the mirror that are filled with medication. With razors and products that are poison when ingested.
My hands shake hard as I rifle through them. Cotton swabs and condoms rain down all around me. I latch onto a bottle of sleeping pills.
Bronx’s prescription.
I cry harder. And pour them into my cupped palm.
“Kelsey,” Riot calls from outside. “What’s going on in there? Let me in.”
I’ve already let him in tonight. I told him everything. Showed him all the broken pieces inside me that I’ve been trying to keep together. It only made everything hurt more.
“Talk to me,” he pleads.
“What?” Golden’s groggy voice comes through the panel. “Are you doing?”
“I need to get in there,” Riot says. A thump shakes the whole panel. “I’m worried she’s going to hurt herself.”
“Kelsey? Why would she do that?” Bronx’s tone changes to one of concern.
“I hurt her all right,” Riot’s voice cracks.
“That bad?” Bronx asks.
“Worse,” Riot says.
I count the pills in my hand that would have taken away all my pain. They wouldn’t kick in quick enough.
Another thump follows. And then another. Crack. Part of the frame splits from the wall and swings in with the door.
Riot is the first one inside. He grabs my hand and shakes it over the sink, scattering the pills. They roll around the basin and plink one by one into the drain.
He grabs my head between his hands. Tips my chin up and gets in my face. His gaze searches mine. “Did you take any?”
I could go to sleep and never wake up.
“Kelsey, did you take any of those pills?” He shakes me. “Tell me, honestly. Or do I need to stick my fingers down your throat?”
If only I had... this would all go away.
“Scary Girl,” Kodiak’s voice reaches that space inside me that he makes feel safe. “Did you take any?”
“No.” But I wanted to. Oh, I wanted to.
“Thank God.” Riot wraps his arms tight around me as I start to sob again. His heart beats strong under my ear. “Bronx, call Sam. Tell him we’re coming to him.”
Riot scoops me up and carries me through the bus and out into the cold night. It’s still raining as he strides from our bus to the one Sam is on. I notice that we’re soaked and water is dripping from his hair, but I don’t feel it.
I can’t feel anything.
Sam’s expression is full of concern when Riot puts me in front of him.
“She’s not okay, Doc.”
Sam doesn’t flirt with me and he doesn’t smile, but that’s okay because I don’t feel like doing those things either. “How are you doing, Kelsey? I heard you were thinking about taking some sleeping tablets. But you changed your mind?”
“I didn’t take any.” I want to cease to exist.
“I’m very glad to hear that,” he says. “You are far too important to all of us.”
Riot’s arm stays around me. He nuzzles the top of my head. “You mean everything to us. To me. You’ve been hurting, you’re still hurting, and I can’t fix it. But I am not going anywhere. And neither are you.”
“I am so tired.” I rest my cheek on his chest. How can I trust him? Or even believe him. I just don’t have the energy to fight him.
“You want to sleep? Let Sam check you over and I’ll take you back to our bus. You can sleep in my bed. Or next to Kodiak. Or Bronx. Or Golden. As long as you have one of us with you.” He strokes my hair. “As long as you’re not alone.”
“Kodiak.” I see the hurt in his gaze. He wants me to pick him, but I can’t. Not now. Maybe not ever.
He nods. “Doc?”
Sam takes over. “You want anyone with you? Or would you rather we speak alone?”
“I told him everything,” I say.
“Good.” Sam sends Riot a sympathetic look. “Now, I have a lot of questions to ask Kelsey. If you interrupt, I will kick you off this bus.”
He asks me why I wanted to hurt myself and why I didn’t. He asks me a heap of other questions that I mumble responses to.
Riot stays a quiet, solid wall while I spill my broken thoughts for Sam.
Why didn’t I take the pills? Why did knowing that I could be saved stop me from trying? Why am I still holding on?
“I’m going to call a friend of mine. Meg is a psychologist. I want her opinion before I decide whether we need to put you on a 72-hour hold.
Or if you can stay on the bus in a supervised capacity.
” He pats my knee as he puts the call through.
“Sorry to wake you, Meg. I have a friend here who is struggling. Could you spare us some time?”
The woman on the other end of the phone introduces herself to me as Dr. Applegate and asks more of the same questions. We end up talking for a while. Eventually, I hand the phone back to Sam and they decide I can stay on the bus as long as I’m supervised and commit to daily check-ins with her.
I agree because she’s kind like Sam. Because talking about it with Riot made everything hurt more, but she promises that there is light on the other side and it kind of seems like she knows what she’s talking about. I hope she does.
“I’ll make sure she doesn’t miss a single appointment,” Riot promises Sam. He tenses. Something deeper than concern flickers in his unwavering gaze. “We also need the morning after pill.”
Shit.
I didn’t think. I was aware... when he was inside me... when I could feel how hot he was... feel his cum. But then the conversation had turned to Harlowe, and I...
I drag my shaking hand through my knotty hair. My fingers get caught in the snags and bring more tears to my eyes.
“Kelsey is that what you want to do?” Sam asks gently.
I don’t know. I’ve already lost one child. What if Riot and I accidentally made another tonight?
“It’s okay if it is,” Riot says. “And if it’s not. Either way I’m here.”
“It’s up to you,” Sam says. He takes the medication out of his kit and puts it on the table in front of me along with a bottle of water. “Can I speak to you a minute, Riot?”
Riot nods.
They move to the other end of the room. Where they can see me but talk without me hearing them. Sam makes fast and rough gestures with his hands.
Riot stands there and takes it.
I twist the lid of the bottle and swallow some of the cold water.
My gaze stays on the medication Sam put in front of me.
I don’t know if I want to take the pill or not.
It’s not a decision I can make right now when all I want is to go to sleep.
I pocket the plastic bag with the single pill inside.
Perhaps in the morning I’ll have a clearer head.
“Ready?” Riot comes back.
“Yeah.”
He carries me back to our bus and inside.
The guys are in the front lounge waiting for us. Kodiak stops pacing when we enter. Bronx and Golden stand up and rush toward us.
“You scared us, Special K.” Golden strokes my hair back from my face.
“Fucking almost had a heart attack.” Kodiak rubs a fist over the left side of his chest.
Bronx grips Riot’s shoulder. Squeezes. “You both okay?”
“Not really,” Riot says.
“Are you going to keep her with you tonight?” Bronx asks him.
Riot looks to me. “You still want Kodiak?”
“Yes,” I croak.
“Come on,” he tells Kodiak, carrying me into the bedroom. He places me on the bed and pulls the covers up over me while Kodiak stands by awkwardly.
I don’t fight it. I’m too damn tired.
“She wants you. She doesn’t want me. I’ve done too much damage. Hurt her too much. I’m trusting you with the most important person in my life,” he tells Kodiak.
The most important... how can he say that when it’s too late?
I shut my eyes. I don’t need to see his face to hear the remorse in his voice. It’s not enough to undo the damage between us.
“I’ll take good care of her,” Kodiak says. “I’ll watch her all night.”
“You’ll watch her for as many nights as she needs you.
Until she forgives me for all the ways I’ve hurt her.
” Riot sits beside me. He strokes my hair.
“I promise you, Kelsey. I might never deserve it, but I am not going to give up on earning your forgiveness. I’ll do whatever it takes to see you whole and happy again. Even if that has to be without me.”
I’d convinced myself that my heart was too shattered to break any more. I was wrong. The tears come again. So many of them.
The bed shifts as he gets up. “Look after her like she’s your entire fucking world.”
“I will.” The bed shifts again as Kodiak’s weight presses into the mattress.
Riot lingers. I count my breaths between the end of their conversation and when the door closes behind him.
Kodiak moves onto his side, wraps both arms around me and pulls me to his chest. The entire length of his body cradles mine. “I’m right here. I’ve got you. I’m not going to let you go. You’re safe with me. Go ahead and let it all out.”
And I do.
I cry the tears I didn’t cry when Riot broke my heart. Like I should have when our baby died. I sob over losing my best friend. And I cry for myself. How am I supposed to recover from here?
Is that even possible?