39. Kelsey
Kelsey
Dr. Applegate’s office is airy and light. Her white shelves are full of psychology books and photos of her five poodles. She leans forward, filling the screen of my phone with her kind eyes and nude lipstick. “How are you doing today, Kelsey?”
“We’re in Calgary. It’s cold as balls.” I cross my legs under me on the edge of the stage while Kodiak takes off his woolen beanie and puts it on me, tugging it down to cover my ears. It’s warm from being on his head and smells like him.
He brushes his lips against my forehead. “I’ll give you a few minutes.”
“Thank you.” It’s still hard to smile, my emotions are brittle, but I try for him. He deserves it when he’s been by my side every moment day and night since Riot handed me into his care almost a week ago. He’s the best friend a girl could ask for.
“You need me, come get me.” He leaves to join Coffey and the guys on the other side of the stage where they are running through some last-minute changes to the show for tonight.
“I’m okay,” I tell Dr. Applegate. “Not great, but better. Every day is a little easier than the one before.”
Our daily sessions are helping. I no longer want to give up. But I’m a long way from the woman I once was.
“And the meds that we have you on?” she asks. “Any side effects?”
I’d ended up taking the morning after pill.
It seemed like the right thing to do considering the meds they put me on and how volatile my life is currently.
As much as I want to be a mother one day, a baby with the man I may never be able to forgive while I’m hiding from Marco and trying to get my feet under me...
it’s probably not a good idea. Birth control was my next move. Just in case. “Not that I’ve noticed.”
“That’s good.”
Riot is standing next to Kodiak, his arms crossed. He nods at something Coffey is explaining. His gaze finds mine, concerned and apologetic. It lingers so long my heart hurts. He’s been different with me the last week. Quieter. Watchful. Sweet.
He’s trying. He’s taken a bunk with the guys and given me the bedroom. And when I woke up this morning, my journal and memento box were on the nightstand. Everything but my vibrator. All my personal things, including the letters he accused me of keeping to sell, were intact.
His phone rings and he pulls it out of his pocket to look at the screen before ignoring the call. It’s Sonatina. I’ve seen her name come up on his screen a few times since their video went viral. He never answers her.
He’s doing it for me. Why else would he ignore his manager?
But I meant what I said. He can’t fix what he broke. It’s too late.
I turn my back on him and concentrate on therapy.
“Is there anything you would like to talk about today?” Dr. Applegate asks. “Perhaps we could talk about that thing we were discussing at the end of yesterday’s session.”
“Okay,” I say.
Our session runs for an hour and by the end of it I am exhausted. I don’t want to stay in bed all the time, but going into the nitty-gritty of my life with Dr. Applegate is a heavy exercise. It takes its toll.
“I’ll talk to you tomorrow,” she tells me.
Riot is waiting for me when I end the video chat.
“Where’s Kodiak?” I dust my butt off as he walks over to me. Jasper is behind him.
“He’s giving us a minute.” Riot extends an arm toward me but then curls it up and tugs at his hair. “I get that you don’t want to talk to me, but I wanted to see how you were doing.”
“I’m okay.” I hug my arms around myself, like that will be enough to keep all my damaged pieces together. “Tired.”
“You want to skip the concert tonight?” he asks.
“Yes.”
His gaze lingers, as if he wants to take care of me himself. But he needs to be here with the rest of the band. They need to get ready for another sell-out crowd. Eventually he takes a step back. “Jasper will take you to the bus.”
“Great.” I turn to Jasper. “I’m ready to go.”
I follow Jasper from the stage.
“Kelsey,” Riot calls out to me.
A part of me hesitates. It yearns for him to chase after me. I still love him and I probably always will. But a part of me needs to hate him too. And the whole of me can’t just let him back in.
Still, I want to hear what he has to say. I wanted him to tell me that he wasn’t going to let Kodiak or anyone else look after me. That it had to be him, no matter how much I might hate him. I wanted him to fight for me. “What?”
He swallows hard. Shakes his head. “We’ll talk later.”
“Whatever.” I turn my back on him and follow Jasper.
By the time we get back to the bus, I am yawning.
“Want something for dinner?” Jasper asks as we enter the bus.
“I want to sleep.” I pad toward the back of the bus.
“Riot was clear you were to eat something,” Jasper says. “And to report back.”
“Fine.” I roll my gaze to the ceiling. He’s trying to look after me, but it’s not what I want. “Grilled cheese. Chocolate shake.”
“I’ll order it,” Jasper says.
I leave him to it and go to the bedroom to get changed into my pajamas. Riot had all my stuff moved in here. One of Kodiak’s flannels is on the bed, and I tug it on over my tank top, drawing the two sides together until they overlap.
Crawling under the covers, I turn on the TV. The shopping channel is on. I watch it blindly until Jasper brings in my food. He sits with me while I pick the bread off the cheese. When I can’t stand to tear up the pieces any smaller, he takes the plate and leaves.
I flip through the channels until I find some movie I haven’t seen before. When I get hungry, I raccoon through the stash of candy in the kitchenette.
My phone buzzes around the time the concert ends.
Jasper said you didn’t eat.
Wasn’t hungry.
I’ll get someone to grab you something. Anything you want.
What can I say to make this conversation end? What will make him leave me alone?
I want Kodiak.
That should do it.