41. Kelsey
Kelsey
I’m curled up on the couch in the back room of the stadium in Vegas while Riot’s voice floats through the air. The guys are playing their song ‘Pandemonium’ for sound check while I have my session with Dr. Applegate. My toes bounce on the buttery leather cushions.
While I will never be able to listen to ‘Chokehold’ without feeling Riot’s betrayal, ‘Pandemonium’ reminds me of summertime in L.A. Of skateboards and ice cream and a boy with fluffy dark hair and gray eyes that made my heart flutter.
“He’s taken to sleeping next to the bed,” I tell Dr. Applegate. I don’t know when Riot started doing it, or if he’s been watching over me since he kicked down the bathroom door and found me with a handful of pills.
“How does that make you feel?” she asks.
I don’t know how I feel about him being there when I wake up in the middle of the night, my heart beating out of my chest after a nightmare where Marco is chasing me. Or with tears flowing down my face as everything I’ve lost hits me afresh.
“I crawled out of Kodiak’s arms and onto Riot’s lap last night while I sobbed my heart out,” I confess. “He didn’t say one word to try and fix me or distract me.”
He’d held me to his chest and let me soak his shirt with my tears. He’d been wearing his cross around his neck again. I’d felt it through his shirt.
Dr. Applegate says that grief comes out eventually whether we want it to or not. I’d delayed it with my need to survive. Skipped the part where I cried and put all my drive into anger and hate.
She might be right.
“It doesn’t change that he and I are broken beyond repair. It doesn’t mean I can ever get past the betrayal and the hurt.”
“Of course. You’ve been through a lot. He’s been a big part of that.” She rests her chin on her twined hands. “It’s okay to not want to continue a relationship after what happened. But it’s also okay if you are conflicted. Do you think maybe the reason you want to hate him is because of that?”
“Maybe.” Why else would I have wanted him jealous? Want him to fight for me? Am I really that vindictive? Or is it something less easy to name, and far more devastating to acknowledge?
We talk about it for a while, until our session draws to an end.
“I’m going to leave you with a little homework,” she says.
“You lost your child. So did he. You’ve had a long time to dwell in that heartache.
He’s probably still coming to terms with the fact he had no idea.
Perhaps you could have a little ceremony to say goodbye to Harlowe.
Perhaps it will lead to communication that will help you put the past to rest. Give you some closure.
Allow you both to move on. Separately, or together. ”
I wipe away a tear that escapes the corner of my eye. “I think that’s a good idea.”
“Great,” she says. “Do you want some time before our next session? We could move to two sessions a week if that works for you.”
We end our conversation as the guys come into the green room. They’re amped to play Vegas. The venue is huge. The crowd will be massive. And then they have an entire week off before we get back on the road again.
Riot sees my red eyes and sits on the couch next to me. He holds a bottle of water in both hands between his knees. “I’ve written a new song. About Harlowe. It’s how I process things.”
“I know.” Dr. Applegate is right. We need to have a conversation about our baby. We need to find a way for us both to move on.
“I want to share it with the guys. Maybe even play it at some point.” His shoulders rise and fall as he takes a labored breath.
My heart screams. “No.”
“Kels—”
“No.” I snap, jumping off the couch. How dare he try to profit from my heartbreak. It was one thing to write hate songs about me. It’s quite another to bring her into it. “Don’t you dare, Riot Maddox.”
I run out of the green room, brushing angry tears from my cheeks.
He catches up to me. Gripping my wrist, he pulls me into his chest. He cradles the back of my head while I leave smudges of mascara all over his white T-shirt. “I won’t, Kelsey. I won’t. I don’t want to do anything that hurts you.”
“Promise me.” I sob into his chest. “I couldn’t bear it.”
“I promise,” he murmurs into my hair.
I tip my head back. I need to see it in his eyes. I need to believe him.
His gray eyes are dark with agony. “Kelsey.”
I hate this pain inside me. I want it to go away. I want to feel something else. I want to feel... I press up on tiptoe.
My mouth collides with his in a kiss full of pain and need. It’s explosive and emotional and hungry. We devour each other, our tongues thrusting against one another in twisted promise.
He breaks away first. “I shouldn’t have done that. I don’t deserve... I don’t want to pressure you in any way.”
I touch my fingertips to my lips. The fact that I kissed him... the fact that I want him no matter how much I hate him or how much I’m hurting... “Would you do something for me?”
“Anything.”
“Dr. Applegate thinks we should have a ceremony to say goodbye to our baby girl. Will you do that with me?”
“When do you want to do it?” he asks.
“Can we fly home to L.A. and do it at the tree house on Rebel’s property in the next couple of days? I’d like to do it somewhere filled with better memories.”
“I’ll call Rebel and book the flights,” he says.
“I’ll need to get the ashes. I never had the money to collect her.
” I wanted to so bad, but every cent I had was going to immediate survival.
I’d been tempted to use Bronx’s card so many times since I agreed to his deal, but the idea that he would read the charges and ask questions I wasn’t prepared to answer kept me frozen.
“I hate that I never got to bring her home, but now I finally can.”
“Let me take care of the arrangements?” he asks. “You shouldn’t have had to take this all on alone. I should have been there. I’m sorry I wasn’t, but from here on we’re in this together. So tell me where she is and I’ll bring our baby home. We’ll lay her to rest together.”
I hug him, my eyes burning with emotion that is overwhelming. “Thank you.”