Chapter 15 #2
I don’t understand why Heather has sided with Ann on this issue, but it’s really not helpful. It’s made Ann so much more determined to dig her heels in and fight against the wedding going ahead.
So now Olive’s starting to get stressed about the whole thing, and Joe is all for looking into alternative venues to hold the wedding at, just to avoid the confrontation.
I get where he’s coming from – he doesn’t want trouble.
But I feel they have every right to get married at the crem.
It holds so much meaning for them both, and it truly is a beautiful place.
In a moment of madness, I’ve offered to talk to Heather and Ann, in the hope that we can avoid bothering Cathy and Giles with this dispute.
So, I need to find a way to convince Ann to drop her objection to the wedding.
And now I’m thinking I probably shouldn’t have been so ambitious as to take on this challenge.
We’re meeting in the crem café at midday.
I’m kind of dreading this. Not that I’m scared of Ann or anything – well, okay, maybe I’m a little bit intimidated, if I’m honest. But the outcome of this meeting is so important for Olive and Joe, and I really don’t want to let them down.
She and Heather are going to be two tough nuts to crack.
And I’m not at my most assertive right now.
Worse still, I don’t have James here to boost my confidence.
You know how some people are convinced they’re not good enough at their job and are worried about getting caught out?
They call it imposter syndrome, don’t they?
For me it used to be about being a grown-up.
When I first graduated from uni I didn’t feel like a proper grown-up, I always felt like I was just playing at being an adult, like some kind of jumped-up teenager who gets to play at real life because their parents have gone away for the weekend.
Going to the supermarket and doing a proper weekly shop felt so weird, as did buying a car, and moving out of student accommodation into a flat for young professionals.
James changed all of that. Somehow, being with him made me feel like I really had grown up, perhaps because he always seemed so grown up and sophisticated himself.
Never arrogant, just self-assured. I loved that about him.
Well, I loved everything about him. But I particularly loved that aspect because it made me feel safe.
And right now, having to face down Ann and Heather, I could so do with a confidence boost from James.
Sometimes I just feel so incredibly alone without him.
Actually, I need to get a move on – not much time for wallowing after all.
When I arrive at the crem café, Ann and Heather are already there, deep in conversation. Oh god, that probably means they’ve got their game plan all sorted. I’m now feeling really on the back foot. But I’d love to get this sorted for Olive and Joe, and to avoid the others getting stressed about it.
Ann and Heather are seated at a table for four, both on one side, so I’m going to have to sit on the other side, and it’s going to feel confrontational before we even begin. Happy days! Oh, why on earth did I offer to do this?
Then something in my head tells me, just to go for it. Almost like I can hear James calling out ‘You’ve got this!’ like he always used to.
Okay, here we go.
‘Morning ladies!’ I greet them in my brightest voice. ‘Lovely to see you.’
‘Hello Amy,’ replies Heather, overtly checking her watch.
I know I’m not late, so she can’t catch me out on that one. So maybe some small talk will break the ice. ‘Isn’t it mild today?’
‘Can we just get down to business,’ interrupts Heather. ‘I’ve not got much time to spare.’
‘Oh, okay. Right. Well, as you probably know, there’s such a long wait to get most wedding venues, and the thing is, Joe and Olive just want to—’
‘We’ve not got a problem with Joe and Olive. I understand they want to get married quickly, but it’s just not appropriate to hold the wedding here. It’s the principle of the thing. It’s nothing personal.’
Actually, it feels very personal from where I’m sitting.
And ‘it’s nothing personal’ is such a pointless expression.
Whenever someone says that, you can pretty much guarantee it is very much something personal.
It’s a bit like, ‘with all due respect’ – when someone says that, you immediately know there’s not going to be an ounce of respect forthcoming, even when some is due.
Okay, I can do objection handling at work. So I can do it here. Here goes.
‘But you know they met here, after all – this is the place that brought them together.’
‘But you must see that this is a place for mourning, not for celebrating.’
‘I agree, people do need to be able to mourn and grieve here. I’m still grieving for my boyfriend. But grief is rooted in love, it’s not a kind of dark, separate thing. We only grieve for the people we love.’
Ann looks at me, as if considering this point. I decide to seize the moment.
‘Joe and Olive just got lucky and found yet more love. Don’t you think we should be happy for them? And support them as they start a new chapter in their lives. And where better for them to mark their union than here?’ I add, hoping I have maybe got through to them.
‘That’s not the point though, is it? Holding a wedding here is basically having a party in a graveyard,’ chips in Heather.
Great, really helpful, Heather. Just when I might have been making a bit of headway with Ann.
‘But the plan is to hold it late afternoon. The days are at their longest then, so there’s no problem for the light, and that way there’s no risk of causing disruption.
All the funeral services and wakes will have finished long before the wedding, and people don’t usually hang around beyond the wake.
So the chances are, no one will even see the wedding. ’
‘That doesn’t alter the fact that it’s disrespectful.’
‘How?’
‘It just is! Weddings and funerals don’t go together.’
I know she’s being irrational, but how do you argue with that?
I can feel any influence I had ebbing away.
Turns out I haven’t got the strength to deal with this today after all.
I can feel the familiar lump forming in my throat.
I have to go, right now. I really don’t want to start crying in front of them – I don’t want them thinking they’ve reduced me to tears.
Because it’s really not about them. It’s about James.
It’s always about James – and how lonely and empty my life feels without him.