Chapter 23 #2
‘Says he wishes he’d had more time with you. He’s holding his chest. Ooh, yes I can feel it’s harder to breathe right now. I’m getting a pain here. He had some sort of chest condition.’
Oh no. This really doesn’t make sense. Should I just leave now, instead of wasting more time getting my hopes up?
‘He’s showing me an image from life, him with a baby in his arms. He looks so proud.
And a young lady, maybe in her mid-twenties, with him – a glamorous lady, wealthy, I’d say.
This is from many years ago, when he was this side of life, in the physical world, and these two – the lady and the baby, they’re still here.
Ah. He’s saying that’s his daughter – I think her name begins with an S, maybe So… something, and the baby is—’
‘Me? My mum’s called Sophia.’ The penny’s dropped.
And now I’m almost trembling. ‘I think that’s my grandfather.
Oh my goodness, yes, he had a chest condition.
But I never really knew him, he died when I was tiny.
’ This is unreal. All this time I’ve been tackling these terrifying doubts about whether there really is an afterlife and now surely this is evidence. There is an afterlife. There is more!
‘Well, he’s just come through to say how proud he is of you. He’s so sad for you that you’ve had such a lot of heartache, and he wants you to know he loves you and he’s looking out for you.’
‘Oh, that’s so sweet of him. I wish I’d known him.’
‘Well, he definitely wishes he’d been here longer with you, but he’s still with you in spirit, honey. Oh, and he’s saying you definitely did the right thing not going on that holiday with your mum – you’d have hated it.’
I can’t help laughing at that. It’s lovely to know my grandfather is looking out for me.
But I’m still reeling from the shock of hearing something so convincing.
And I’m really itching to hear from James.
And now I’m starting to feel nervous again.
Mark clearly has the gift, so now if I don’t hear from James, it must mean he simply doesn’t want to contact me, which means he doesn’t love me any more, which means there’s nothing left for me any more – not in this life, and not in eternity.
And now there’s an enormous lump forming in my throat just thinking about that.
‘There’s someone else here for you.’
I’m instantly on red alert.
‘Tall.’
Well, that’s promising.
‘Blond.’
So far so good.
‘And blue eyes. Very blue eyes.’
And now I’m crying. Surely that’s got to be him. His eyes are the most gorgeous, dreamy cornflower blue.
‘This young man – James – he hasn’t forgotten about you. Far from it. I’d say he’s been jumping through hoops to try to reach you.’
Hang on. I never mentioned James’ name to Mark. I deliberately avoided using his name. This is really happening!
‘Oh my god. Is he there?’
‘Oh yes, honey. You may even sense his presence with a physical sensation – a warm glow or something like that.’
Oh, I just want to see him, hear him.
‘Is he okay?’ I ask, eagerly.
‘He is, honey. He’s fine. Fit and healthy.’
‘Oh wow! That is so good to know.’
‘Was he a funny man? Jovial? But sincere, kind?’ asks Mark.
‘That’s exactly him.’ Tears are flooding my eyes as I’m reminded again how fabulous James was.
‘I thought so,’ says Mark. ‘He’s making me smile. It’s just his energy. It’s so—’
‘Magnetic!’ we say in unison.
‘Yeah, he really is,’ I add. ‘Really magnetic.’
‘I can see why he’s such a loss. A lot of other people must be feeling the loss too.’
‘They are, although most people are handling it a lot better than I am.’ I’m feeling guilty now.
‘Don’t beat yourself up about it, honey. Everyone manages grief differently. There’s no right or wrong way. It’s just a case of finding a way through it.’
‘Yes, and I know connecting with him is going to help me feel a whole lot better about things. I am so grateful he’s there. If only I could see him for myself. Can you tell me what he’s up to?’
‘Well, let’s see. Hmm. Right now it looks as though he’s – ooh not sure. I think he’s… Hmm. There’s a young child with him.’
A child? Oh my god! He can’t have had a family up there? Not already? Can you even have a baby in the afterlife?
‘How old? I mean, how old is the child?’ I can’t help sounding anxious now.
‘Oh, let’s see. Maybe seven.’
‘Seven years? Not months?’
‘Yes, about seven years old.’
Okay, so that can’t be his. Even if he’d met someone straightaway when he got there that would only have given them (Them?
Ouch, that hurts!) time to have a baby at most. Unless they have some kind of rapid gestation up in heaven?
What if you can have a baby in nine weeks instead of months – or nine days – or nine hours?
Oh no, it could be like that episode of Wandavision, when Wanda gets pregnant and has her baby boys in the space of a few hours.
It would make sense, wouldn’t it? Obviously, I’ve never experienced it, but it seems like pregnancy is pretty challenging.
I know Becky had a really tough time with morning sickness.
So, I guess if women do get pregnant in heaven, they’ve probably sped it up to avoid nine months of varying degrees of torture.
So, could James really have a child already?
‘Is it James’ child?’ I ask.
‘Let’s see.’ There’s a pause. ‘No, definitely not his.’
‘Oh, thank god for that.’ I am flooded with relief.
‘You know the sad thing is, honey, I get the impression he shouldn’t really be there. That this crossing should never have happened.’
‘That’s exactly how I feel,’ I reply. ‘But I thought most people must feel that way when they’ve lost someone.’
‘I think that’s true when the loss is personal to you, but from my perspective, as an independent party, I don’t often feel it. But something about this situation makes me feel this crossing really happened much too early. I can’t explain that feeling, all I know is it’s there.’
I nod, I don’t want to dissolve into tears again, but the fact that Mark also thinks James was taken too early is so overwhelmingly sad.
‘Also, I sense that he’s worried about you,’ Mark adds quietly.
‘Really? Why? Is something bad going to happen?’ But what more bad stuff could happen? He’s dead – that’s about as bad as it gets for me.
‘No, nothing like that. He’s worried about the ongoing grief. It’s been over a year now, hasn’t it, honey? And I gather that you’ve not seen anyone else since. Not tried to move on. He’s sending a message to say that it’s time you did.’
‘Oh.’ And now I’m crying again. ‘Doesn’t he love me any more?’
‘He just keeps sending through this message to move on.’
‘So, he has stopped loving me? He’s moved on?’ In my head I’m willing Mark to contradict me.
‘Hmm. That’s a good question.’ Mark goes quiet again for a few moments. ‘Apparently not.’
‘So he’s not seeing someone up there?’
‘No, he’s not. He’s trying not to let me know that. But I can tell. He seems to be more focused on you still.’
‘But he could meet someone there?’ Oh, this is bad.
‘Well, yes, of course.’
‘So can you ask him to wait for me?’ I ask desperately.
‘He knows that you want him to wait. And I think he intends to. But he doesn’t mean for you to know that. He’s trying to do the right thing for you, honey. He’s trying to get you to start afresh. He wants you to lead a full life, and he believes that should be with someone else.’
‘So he still loves me, he’s still mine!’
Mark nods.
‘He definitely still loves you. And he’ll be there waiting for you when you get there. But that doesn’t mean to say you shouldn’t let other men into your life in the meantime. He’s adamant he doesn’t want you to be lonely in this life.’
‘But I won’t be lonely. I’ve got him. He’s just a bit further away than I’d like, so I just need to get better at working out how to communicate with him.’
I can’t help feeling that Mark looks a bit concerned as we say goodbye.
‘Remember what I said, James thinks you should let other people into your life,’ he calls, as I’m heading down the path.
I turn back to him.
‘I know. Thanks for everything,’ I call back and wave. But it’s not going to make a blind bit of difference. James is still mine, and he’s the only one I want. More meditating, working out how to reach him direct, that’s all I need. So we can still be together.