Chapter 24
James: Connected
Amy’s been writing in her letters for two weeks about seeing this medium – she seems to think this guy could be the one.
Personally, I’m not convinced. She thinks that every time.
It’s that eternal optimism. Even though she gets sad and low over what’s happened, her underlying hope just can’t be repressed.
Amazing really. Not sure I’d be able to match that level of hope and perseverance if it was the other way round and I was the one left behind. In fact, I know I wouldn’t.
The thing is, I have been playing around with this Earthcomms app a lot, and sometimes I can now get faint messages through to Amy, and usually she receives them, but then almost immediately dismisses them, thinking they must be in her imagination.
I think it’s because, for whatever reason, the app doesn’t work well for me and the messages aren’t clear.
I know she’s desperate to believe that we can connect, so it’s not that – it’s just the evidence is so weak for her.
But it’s frustrating because she needs to be acting on these messages, she needs to start a new chapter in her life.
Daphne’s here with me for the medium session. I’ve asked her to help me out because she’s so much better at these things than I am. I’ve just switched on the viewer to see what’s going on when there’s a knock at the door. ‘Daphne, do you mind setting this up please?’
‘Of course.’ And she takes the phone from me and starts tapping away.
When I open the door one of the kids from the cycling club is standing there.
‘James, can you help me with my bike? The chain’s loose.’
Timing! But I’d better sort it out, it won’t take long. Probably quicker than trying to direct him to Andy’s house. Then I can get back and listen to the reading in peace. Chances are the medium will be some kind of fake anyway.
When I get back in the room, Daphne looks up, smiling.
‘He’s good, this one. He even picked up that there was a child with you.’
‘Seriously? He told Amy that? What’s she going to think?’
‘It’s okay. She knows now it’s not yours. Although if she’d carried on thinking it was, perhaps that would have convinced her to let go of you.’
‘Yeah, in a pretty brutal way though. Well, I’m just astonished that there’s actually a genuine medium for once.’
‘Come on, James. Less of the cynicism. Now’s your chance to talk to Amy,’ prompts Daphne.
Okay. Right. If this guy really can get the message through to Amy, then this is it. The moment I’ve been waiting for. My chance to let her go, set her free. It’s the right thing to do. I have to do this. I do.
I start typing: ‘Darling Amy’, no, delete ‘darling’, that’s not going to help.
‘Dear’ is better. ‘Dear Amy, you know you are everything to me, but it’s been over a year now, you have your life to live.
You need to put me in the past, find someone new.
And maybe…’ No, delete those last two words.
Don’t put ideas in her head about me waiting for her, waiting until she gets here.
It’s not going to help if she knows that.
So, finally, this medium is the real deal.
He picks up every message I send. But it’s not as simple as that.
I’ve said all the right things, and Daphne’s been here making sure of that, and making sure I select all the right options.
But of course, what I didn’t realise is that a good medium seems to be able to tell what’s in your mind.
So this guy Mark has been relaying to Amy exactly what I’m thinking.
Like, that I still want her, that I haven’t moved on either, that I’ll be waiting for her.
It feels so weird when you experience a real medium – it’s like they suck the truth out of you, so you can’t get away with anything else – because they can bypass all the bullshit you’re trying to say, to try to do the right thing, even if you really don’t mean it.
To be honest, I’m not sure the bullshit would have washed with Amy anyway, she knows me too well, even though she can be slightly on the gullible side at times.
I’m not saying that as a criticism. I love that she is so ready to expect the best from people and assume that they are being as open and honest as she is.
Besides, I’d hate her to lose her trust in me. As I see it, if you break the trust between you, it’s pretty much game over for a relationship. But then it pretty much is now anyway – I mean, we couldn’t be further apart if we tried. Death is the great divide.
This whole thing is so bloody unfair – why did it have to be us who got split apart?
So many couples who don’t even really want to be together, and this doesn’t happen to them.
Why did it have to happen to us, two people who actually do want to be together?
We had plans. Plans that we needed a whole lifetime for, not just a few years – plans to see more of the world together, eventually have kids together, grow old together.
But, of course, I know railing against the universe isn’t going to change anything.
So now what do I do? Do I really have to move on, just so that Amy can?
And how the hell do I do that, when she’s still the only woman I want?
But if I can’t do it, how can I expect her to?
It’s a thousand times worse for her. Every day she wakes up in our old life, surrounded by my books, trophies, and bikes, things from my life in the army.
Then there are all the things from our life together – furniture, paintings, records we chose together, and so many reminders of fabulous holidays, like the Ken Done mugs from Sydney, carved bowls from Bali, and a whole collection of crystal glasses we amassed on trips to visit friends in Ireland.
In a way, I’m lucky I have none of that, none of the constant reminders which must make being alone so much more painful.
It’s not that there’s any shortage of women to date up here.
And from what I’ve heard, it’s much more plain sailing than dating back on Earth, because people are so laid back here.
If a date doesn’t work out, people don’t go through the whole cycle of anger, resentment and recriminations that can often happen back there.
So, in theory, it shouldn’t seem like such a big deal.
But for me it still feels all wrong. It feels like I’d just be faking it.
Because I’m still completely in love with Amy.
So now I’m just heading out to my local for a couple of beers before closing time, hoping that going out will just take my mind off the whole fiasco.
And I can just sit quietly and get on with the design I’m playing around with for a new road bike.
I’ve just sat down at my usual table when Andy walks in.
‘Thought I might find you here. How did it go?’
‘You don’t want to know.’
‘That bad?’
‘Worse.’
‘Ah.’
I go over to the bar and order a pint for Andy.
‘So, what you going to do about it?’ he asks as I set his beer down.
‘I don’t know.’ I knock back some of my pint.
‘How about I fix you up on a date? Help get Amy off your mind? Maia’s got loads of friends – must be one of them desperate enough to take you on.’
‘Ha ha. No, I’m good thanks. Pretty busy right now with the cycling club and then there’s chess with The Boss and—’
Andy interrupts me with clucking noises like a chicken.
‘Ah, shut up,’ I retort. But if I’m honest, he’s got a point.
I would be shit-scared to go on a date. I mean, I haven’t been single in years.
I can’t even imagine dating now. Trouble is, once I met Amy, that was it.
She was everything to me, everything I ever wanted and more.
And now the idea of being out there trying to find someone who could even begin to take her place seems laughable.
But then, what if it genuinely could help Amy?
It’s as if Andy has read my mind, because he starts up again.
‘How about Talia? She could be right up your street, and I’m sure she’s not seeing anyone right now. I’ll ask Maia to arrange something.’
‘Hang on! I don’t want to—’
‘Oh, come on, Talia’s lovely. How bad can a date be?’
‘It’s just Amy—’
‘I know, you love Amy. But Amy’s not here. How much longer are you going to carry on moping around over her?’
‘I’m not moping around!’ I retort.
Andy gives me an ‘Are you serious?’ look. He finishes his pint and gets up to go.
‘I’ll talk to Maia.’
‘But—’
‘Don’t argue!’ he calls, as he heads out of the door.