Chapter 25
Amy: I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For
He still loves me! Yes, I admit, I’m still on a high from the reading with Mark.
He’s definitely the real deal. I feel so sure that he reached James.
There were so many things he told me that he could never have known otherwise.
The only question is whether James really will wait for me for so long.
It’s probably easy for him to think that now – but what if I’m here for another fifty years?
Will he really wait that long? I feel like I would wait a thousand years for him, probably more – but I’m not the one in heaven.
For now, I’m just trying to hold on to the belief that he still loves me, and that he’s not with anyone else yet.
And if I show him I’m still loyal to him, that I’m not interested in anyone else, maybe I really can keep him for me.
Part of me feels really guilty for wishing celibacy on him, I know it’s selfish of me, but I just really, really want him for myself, and what happens if he hooks up with some woman now and falls for her and then can’t bear to split up with her?
I’m counting on being with him in the afterlife, for all eternity.
I don’t have a problem with never dating anyone else in this life.
I’d much rather that than having to try to pretend that anyone could even begin to take the place of James.
It’s other people who have a problem with it.
But they don’t seem to understand. What are you meant to do if you are absolutely certain that there is only one person in this world that you are meant to be with, and that person has gone?
Are you just meant to pretend that someone else will do?
That someone else can somehow take the place of an irreplaceable person?
I’m convinced that James was my soulmate, the only one I was meant to be with.
Anyway, there are definitely no men on the agenda today, as I’m going on a girls’ shopping trip.
Olive is keen to get the dresses sorted, so we’re off to look for her wedding outfit and the dresses for me and the mini bridesmaids.
The little girls are not coming with us, or we’d never get anything done.
They’re completely adorable, but they are quite a handful.
I suggested we invite Elle along, as she has a great eye for colour, and Olive doesn’t want to wear white this time round.
‘This time it’s completely different,’ she says. ‘One of the joys of getting married at this age is no one is going to dare tell me what to do. So, I shall get married when I want, where I want, and wearing whatever I want.’
Olive might look meek, but she definitely knows her mind.
It’s one of the many things I admire about her.
It’s easier for my generation, but in her day, girls were brought up to be a bit more accommodating, do what they were told, and it sounds as though she was a bit more like that back in the day.
But over time, she grew into such an independent woman.
It sounds like it was good for Colin too.
Olive’s grateful that when he knew he was dying, he didn’t have to worry about how she would manage on her own.
He knew she was a fighter and she would get through it.
Some days I wish I had a bit more of her fighting spirit.
The really good news is that Olive really is going to be able to get married where she wants, because we finally got the matter of the venue resolved.
Heather and Ann had collared Paul one day – Ann had come up to the crem specially to air her grievances.
I bet Paul would never have told us about it, he’s so discreet.
But I happened to walk into the café when the conversation was mid-flow, and as it was at that point a little heated, it was impossible not to hear every word of what Ann and Heather were saying.
‘That’s all very well, Paul,’ says Heather. ‘It’s clear you have a soft spot for Olive and Joe. But it’s not your job to have favourites. You really have no idea how hurtful it is. This is about people who’ve experienced bereavement first hand. If you’d lost someone you love, you might understand.’
That’s decided me. I have to go and say something before they really upset Paul.
Paul is so sweet-natured, he doesn’t deserve to be treated like this.
I’m just marching over to their table to give them a piece of my mind when Paul replies calmly, but firmly ‘Actually, Ann, that’s where you’re wrong.
I have every idea about bereavement, about loss, about grief.
But I refuse to let it make me bitter. And it certainly doesn’t make me want to jeopardise the chance of happiness for others.
We see plenty of sorrow here, that’s the nature of a crematorium.
And I do all I can to smooth the path for the people who are going through loss, at least while they’re here.
But that doesn’t mean to say this place has to be exclusively about sorrow.
Happiness can, and does, live alongside sorrow.
And if the chance of happiness appears here, I really don’t believe it’s my job to turn it away. ’
Wow! Go Paul! Ann is speechless. And Heather just looks like she wishes the ground would swallow her up. How to fall out with your boss in two easy steps.
As you can imagine, after that embarrassing moment, Ann has never mentioned the objection again. And Heather has gone strangely silent on the subject too – in fact I’ve heard a rumour that she might be looking for a job elsewhere.
So now Paul has finally been able to give Joe and Olive the green light on using the chapel and hospitality suite. And they are so relieved – well, we all are. We know it’s the perfect place for them to be married.
Joe and Olive got so lucky finding each other. They had both had such happy marriages before. How amazing is that, to find yet more love? So, I have proof that people can find true love a second time round. It’s just not for me.
We’re starting our dress search in Chipping Wotton, where most of us in the FFC live.
It’s a really charming historic market town on the edge of the Cotswolds.
One of the things I love about it is that it’s full of little independent shops, with only a few high street names dotted in amongst the unique shopfronts and cafés.
It’s a fabulous place to live – not many miles away from Bristol, so when you want the bright lights and big city, it’s there on the doorstep, but for day-to-day life, this is lovely and friendly.
People come to this area for holidays because it’s idyllic, and it makes me think there must be so many who wish they could stay and live here, and I remind myself that I’m lucky to be someone who gets to do that.
Elle knows most of the shop owners in Chipping Wotton through her florist shop, and of course, with a fair amount of her business coming from weddings, she has an obvious connection to the two bridalwear shops.
I’ve never had a reason to go in either of them before, but Elle says the owners are lovely, and are sure to be able to help.
So, we’re all set for a perfect girly shopping trip, and have high hopes of finding the dream wedding dress for Olive.
But two hours and many, many dresses later, our shopping excursion can only be described as a bit of a fail.
It turns out that the standard dress designs available are really not what someone in their seventies is looking for in the way of a wedding outfit.
Both of the shop owners were eager to help, but they are incredibly busy with existing bespoke orders, and with Olive’s wedding so soon, they simply couldn’t promise to create a made-to-measure wedding dress in time.
‘So, what next?’ asks Elle, as we mull over the problem, while tucking into salted caramel brownies in the cosy armchairs in my favourite coffee shop.
‘Are you both free all day?’ I ask.
‘I am,’ replies Olive. ‘No other plans.’
‘Yep, same,’ says Elle.
‘So, why don’t we head over to Westwater?’ I suggest.
Westwater is a huge shopping mall on the outskirts of Bristol, and it has just about every shop you could possibly imagine.
I don’t go there all that often. I get most of what I need in Chipping Wotton, but it could be the perfect solution for today.
As well as the dresses, we’re also looking for shoes, accessories and all sorts.
And besides, it will be good to go somewhere different for a change.
Our first stop at the mall is the Wedding Wardrobe.
It has a fabulous window display with dresses in some gorgeous colours, as well as white.
Stepping inside, we are greeted by a really helpful assistant, Zoe, who sits us down with a portfolio of dress styles and a glass of bubbly each while we chat through Olive’s thoughts on dresses for herself and the bridesmaids.
Zoe fetches some template bridal dresses for Olive to try on, and apparently these can be customised to add style features as well as to fit her exactly.
A few minutes later, Olive emerges from the changing room in an amazing twenties-style dress – I wouldn’t be able to resist the urge to start doing the Charleston if I was wearing it.
‘What do you reckon, ladies?’ she asks.
‘I love it!’ I reply.
Elle doesn’t seem to share my enthusiasm.
‘I’m not sure. It might look a bit out of place, unless you do the whole wedding in a twenties theme – and that’s a lot of work.’
Olive looks a little crestfallen.
‘But anything’s doable – just needs some planning,’ Elle adds hastily, seeing Olive’s face.
‘No, you’re right,’ replies Olive. ‘I’ve always wanted a dress like this, but I do agree, the wedding is not the time or place for it. Better to go with something more timeless.’