Chapter 31
Amy: Wedding Bells
Oh my god! I just woke up from the worst nightmare.
James was hanging out with Andy, one of his friends from the army, and Andy had fixed James up with a blind date for a night.
And even though James wasn’t keen on the idea, he and the girl, who looked like some kind of super-tall supermodel, really hit it off and ended up going back to his place and, well the rest is too awful.
Oh, this is so bad. If he goes off with someone else I’ve lost him for good.
But come on, who am I kidding? I’ve already lost him for good.
He’s dead, isn’t he? Why can’t I just accept that it’s over?
What is it with this supercharged hope of mine?
This hope that keeps making me think that it can’t be over, it just can’t be.
That this amount of love surely can’t be for nothing, it can’t simply go to waste.
I know it’s completely selfish of me, but I don’t want him to find someone else.
I just want him to wait for me. Because what if he falls in love with someone else more than he did with me?
Then I’ll never get him back, even when I get to the afterlife.
And the thought of never getting back together is too terrible to bear.
But I can’t wallow any longer now. I’m going to have to snap out of this self-pity.
Because today is the big day – finally. Now that has sunk in, I’m starting to feel nervous.
And it’s not even my wedding! We’ve been planning this day for months now, and I just want everything to go really smoothly for Joe and Olive. They deserve a perfect day.
Gareth has really kindly agreed to be my ‘plus one’ for the day.
I’ve got bridesmaid duties to perform first, helping out with the mini bridesmaids, so he’s going straight to the chapel, and I’ll meet him there.
I know I’m going to be so glad to have him to hang out with on a day like today, especially as I’m starting to feel a bit emotional already.
It’s strange, although James and I hadn’t planned to get married, somehow seeing the joy of other people preparing for their wedding has made me feel some real twinges of envy and regret.
It’s not really the wedding itself, or the official nature of being married, it’s just the long-term togetherness which I’m feeling envious of.
It’s not just any old wedding that makes me feel like this.
This isn’t the first wedding I’ve been to since James died.
In fact, this is the third wedding I’ve made it to, and I ducked out of a couple in the early weeks after he’d gone.
I suppose I’m at that age where lots of friends are tying the knot.
People seem to get married for all sorts of reasons.
Not all of them great ones. Security, respectability, pressure from a partner or from family, the appeal of a big wedding day and party – one, two or even all of the above seem to feature for so many couples.
Sheer joy in each other’s company and boundless love seem to be less common reasons, as far as I can tell.
And that’s probably why most weddings don’t make me feel sad or envious.
But this one is different. Joe and Olive have such a beautiful bond of love and understanding.
It seems just like what I knew with James, just like what I’ve lost.
Anyway, I have to ‘do a Carol’ today and find a stiff upper lip. This is Joe and Olive’s big day, and I really am happy for them. Now where did I put that super-strength waterproof mascara?
My dress looks fabulous, and I can’t wait to put it on, but first I need to go round to Olive’s house.
I’m doing my make-up at home, but I’m getting dressed there, along with Olive and the tiny bridesmaids, Joe’s two granddaughters, Millie and Katie.
Millie’s six and Katie’s just turned three, and they are so cute.
Katie’s a little bit young for the job of bridesmaid really, but Millie was desperate to be a bridesmaid, and Olive couldn’t really ask one of the girls without asking her sister to be a bridesmaid too.
So I’m going to have my hands full keeping them in line.
But I’m not taking any chances – I have a plentiful supply of chocolate stashed in my little silk bag.
When I arrive at Olive’s, Janice answers the door. She’s been taking care of anything that needs doing while Elle helps Olive get ready.
‘Oh, you look lovely, sweetie.’ Janice gives me a hug.
‘Thanks, Janice. You do too.’
Janice doesn’t normally wear much make-up, but it looks as though Elle has persuaded her to wear a little bit extra today, and it’s given a real glow to her delicate features.
‘How’s the bride-to-be? Presumably not nervous?’ I ask.
‘Do you know what, I actually think she is. Not like Olive, is it?’
‘Well, it is a big day, even if it’s not the first time.’
Olive has a beautiful home. This is where she and Joe will be living after the wedding.
Joe has a gorgeous cottage too, but they’re going to let that out to holidaymakers for now, until they decide whether to sell it.
I make my way up the elegant art deco staircase to Olive’s bedroom.
The bride-to-be is sitting next to an antique dressing table, with an array of cosmetics neatly laid out on it.
She’s dressed in a fluffy bathrobe, and Elle is just helping her with the final touches to her make-up.
I can see her face in the mirror before she turns round to greet me, and she looks amazing!
Her hair, which still has a lot of chestnut brown in it, has been styled elegantly in bouncy waves and the subtle shades of peach in her make-up give her the radiance of a bride half her age.
‘Olive, you look fabulous!’
‘Amy, I’m so glad you’re here.’ Olive gets up and gives me a hug. ‘And not just because we promised we’d wait till you arrived to crack open the bubbly.’
‘Oh no,’ I shake my head. ‘None for me. I’ll be under the table before you even get married if I start drinking already.’ I’m actually a bit worried that drinking this early will make me more emotional, and I really don’t want to start crying at this stage.
‘Come on now, sweetie, one small glass won’t harm,’ encourages Janice.
Oh dear, I don’t want to seem like a real wet blanket. Better have a few sips.
‘Okay, go on then.’ I reply.
‘Impressive show of resistance there, Amy.’ Elle laughs at me.
The little bridesmaids come bouncing into the room, clearly super-excited already. Janice pops open the bottle of champagne expertly – she must be more of a drinker than I thought – and pours glasses for the grown-ups, and fizzy apple juice for Millie and Katie.
‘Here’s to Olive and Joe. We wish you every happiness for your life together.’
‘To Olive and Joe!’ we chime as we clink glasses.
‘Right. I’d better get in my dress,’ says Olive eagerly. ‘Don’t want to keep Joe waiting.’
So, Janice and I polish off the rest of the bubbly while Elle helps Olive with her outfit. A sleek knee-length shift dress in a rose gold fabric, with a neat little cropped jacket in cream, all finished with cream and gold accessories. Joe is going to be completely bowled over when he sees her.
And now we’re waiting outside the chapel.
It feels so strange to be at the crem in our posh outfits, and for such a special occasion.
Strange, but wonderful too. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve been here, but it’s always been about James and my grief.
Today is different. It’s about two people who love each other being united, not about two people who love each other being apart.
Everyone’s here now. Most of us in the FFC are solo – I suppose that’s the nature of our little group, but not Liz.
Evidently Steve did call her, because here he is, her date for the wedding, and he and Liz are beaming.
He definitely looks more at home in his expensive-looking suit than he did in his boating gear, and even though Liz has got to be over twenty years his senior, she’s so youthful, you’d honestly never know it.
In fact, they look fabulous together. I can’t help feeling a twinge of envy.
Not that I’d want to be with Steve. No, I’m just remembering those heady days when I first met James and we were just getting to know each other, and that complete fascination I felt and eagerness to know more and more about him, and to spend every waking moment with him.
And every non-waking moment too. Not that that feeling ever really subsided.
I turn and move away a little from the crowd, as I can feel my eyes starting to well up, and that’s when I see a very welcome, familiar face heading across the car park towards us.
It’s Gareth. Caring, as ever, he’s clearly clocked the emotion on my face, and he draws me close for a warm hug.
‘You okay?’ he whispers.
I nod and hold onto the hug a little longer.
‘Thanks so much for coming, Gareth.’
He steps back, reaches into his jacket pocket and discreetly hands me a tissue.
‘Here, I came prepared. Like a good boy scout, as James would say. Weddings are always a challenge.’ He smiles, that lovely gentle smile of his. He’s going to make someone very happy, if he gets lucky enough to find love again one day.
‘Come on, there are some people I’d like you to meet,’ I say, taking Gareth’s hand and leading him over to the little huddle of my lovely FFC friends.