Chapter 30
James: If You Love Somebody Set Them Free
So, surfing has been great. Actually, it’s been amazing. That was the best surf I’ve ever seen. Better than Cornwall, better than South West France, better even than Australia.
The only problem is I’ve not been checking in on Amy like I normally do.
Andy and Luke were adamant we should all have a digital detox, so all phones were confiscated by Andy for the trip.
I know they mean well, they want me to stop thinking about Amy and accept that it’s over.
And maybe they’re right. But I so miss watching her.
It’s not pain, like the grief people feel on Earth when someone they love dies.
I remember that all too well, from when Gran died, and from when first Andy and then Luke were killed.
So I know it’s not like that. But there’s definitely a real emptiness when I can’t see her, and I could swear it’s getting worse.
I know part of the idea is to mix with other people, and I am doing that. Just not quite how Andy had planned. He’s been trying to get me to take Talia out on a date for the evening.
As I walk into the bar, I can see Andy with a tall, slim woman with long dark hair standing next to him. ‘Hey, James, come and meet Talia,’ he calls to me.
I walk over and shake Talia’s hand. ‘Hello, I’m James,’ I say, sounding rather more formal than I’d intended.
‘Good to meet you, James,’ she replies, smiling.
‘Back in a moment,’ says Andy, heading over to where Maia is sitting.
‘You want to grab a drink?’ asks Talia. ‘Or head down to the beach?’
Perhaps it’s obvious how uncomfortable I am with the situation, because she adds, ‘There’s a whole crowd of us going to the beach in a few minutes.’
‘Oh, right. Sounds good,’ I reply, doing my best to sound at ease, without sounding relieved.
‘So where do you go surfing?’ she asks. ‘I’ve not seen you here before, but I was watching you earlier, I can see you’re experienced.’
‘I, err, yeah, I used to surf a lot. But not here. This is the first time since I, you know—’
‘Since you died? Yeah, I know, it’s still weird saying it, isn’t it?
I’ve been here three years now, and it still doesn’t feel like it’s real.
’ She turns and looks out at the beautiful expanse of sea, glittering in the low rays of evening sunshine.
‘I guess it’s because it’s just like another life, not really death after all. Pretty lucky, huh?’
‘Except that there’s still the other life going on down there without us,’ I can’t help saying, sadness creeping into my voice.
‘True. But maybe there comes a time when you have to let go of that. Gradually spend less time thinking about that life, and spend more time in the moment up here,’ she says gently.
I nod. But I’m not convinced. I can’t imagine a time when I don’t want to be watching Amy, seeing what she’s doing, making sure her guardian is keeping her safe.
I’m just wondering if I should make my excuses and head back to the hotel when Gabe appears, all excited because Luke has suggested having a beach barbecue, and it turns out Gabe has never experienced the delights of barbecued food before.
What has he been doing all his life? Never surfed, never had a barbecue, he really hasn’t lived.
So we light a fire, cook supper and toast marshmallows while we watch the sun go down.
Wow, the sunsets up here are stunning. But of course, sunsets are always better shared with your favourite person.
More surfing this morning, then chips at the beach, and the amazing thing is, you don’t get sand in your chips here.
I guess that’s heaven for you. We could have stayed another night, as some of the others were staying on, but I was keen to get back.
Luckily, Andy had promised to run a low-profile cycling event in some woods tomorrow, as well as having guardian work to do, so it suited him to keep to the plan and get on the road.
So, it’s a relief that I’m now back ‘home’.
It took me a long time to even attempt to call this home.
This place felt completely alien to start with.
But recently I’ve tried to stop fighting the fact that I’m here and resign myself to my new reality.
As I said before, there’s lots to like about being here.
But I guess there’s a reason for the saying ‘home is where the heart is’, and my heart’s still with Amy.
I’ve been thinking maybe Gran might have some ideas for what to do about helping Amy, so I’m going to call round now and see if she’s in. When I get there she’s just about to sit down to supper.
‘Oh James, what a lovely surprise! Have you eaten?’
‘No, I’m fine, honestly Gran, I don’t need anything to eat.’
‘Nonsense. Let me get you some – there’s plenty.’
‘I’m fine, really, I just wanted to pick your brains for ideas to help Amy. I didn’t mean to disturb your meal.’
‘You know you’re never a disturbance,’ she replies, ignoring my protests and busying herself serving me out a plateful of the most delicious-smelling cottage pie. ‘So, what’s the problem with Amy?’
‘It’s just the same old, same old – only focused on me, not moving on, not seeing anyone else. I can’t just sit here and watch her spend the rest of her life waiting for us to get back together again. The Boss has tried all he can, but she’s being so stubborn.’
Gran gives me a look.
‘Isn’t that rather a case of the pot calling the kettle black?’
‘Whatever do you mean, Gran?’ I reply, before tucking into the cottage pie.
She laughs.
‘Come on, James, you know exactly what I mean. If they did degrees in stubbornness, you’d have a first.’
‘Harsh!’
‘Now, don’t curl your lip. You know it’s true.’
‘I like to think of it as determination,’ I say, defensively.
‘Call it what you will, it’s the same sort of thing you’re seeing from Amy now.
Is it perseverance, loyalty, stubbornness?
A combination of all of the above? What we can safely say is that poor girl adores you.
And she’s certainly not giving up on you readily.
Maybe The Boss is right. Maybe you’re partly responsible. ’
‘Oh, he’s been telling you about it, has he?’
‘Well, I happened to bump into him the other day and he mentioned, just in passing, about you going on a date, and that it might help Amy as well as you.’
‘Jeez, is he discussing my love life with all and sundry?’
‘I’m hardly all and sundry, am I, James?’ she questions, with a ‘gran’ look. ‘So how did things go with Talia?’
‘I won’t even bother asking how you know about that!’
‘Very wise, James,’ she replies, with a smile. ‘So, tell me all about it.’
‘Nothing to tell. It wasn’t a date. I don’t need a girlfriend.’
She looks at me with concern now.
‘But I think you do. You need to move on, find someone else to love.’
‘But how can I? When I still love Amy?’
‘Precisely because you still love Amy. You need to do this for her. You need to do this to set her free.’